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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp constantly moans about my boobs

346 replies

Mumofthree1984 · 13/04/2020 16:05

Sorry for the rant but I'm so so so pissed off. Dp constantly moans about my boobs, yes they are quite big a 38 DD/E he hated me wearing balcony bras so I took him with me to get fitted in M&S into full cup bras (his choice) a pack of two padded and 2 lacey, he was ok with these at the time. My black padded one has somehow gone missing, I'm. Sure it's in the house somewhere but with 5 of us living here probably got mixed up somewhere. Any way he hates me wearing low cut tops, when I say low cut they aren't the type that my tits are literally hanging out, in fact u can't even see my cleavage just my chest. He says it's if I. Lean forward u can see done some of them. This is becoming very very very draining. I even ripped a bra off in an argument well actually 2 now, we were going up to the cemetary to visit my dads grave, all ready to leave and he starts, we'll that tops a bit revealing, i was so angry, it's not even showing anything! I ripped the top. Off anf the bra, so. Now I'm. Down to 1 bra yes 1, i refuse to buy anymore, I can't afford it, i said why don't we just cut my boobs off, that's the last option we have. I'm not wearing turtle necks all year, so. Now I'm sat in my pyjamas really annoyed whilst he is in my room. Going through all my tops! I've had enough seriously enough

OP posts:
user765 · 14/04/2020 00:14

I had this from my ex who was abusive and controlling, constant digs about my body and boobs (but mine were too small), calling me fat. I am a size 8-10 but over time I became ashamed of my body and believed his comments were justified. All his doing. It wasn’t until we separated that I realised how very wrong his behaviour was and also like others have said, it all stems from his problems. But the fact that you are covering up and stressing about bras suggests you are changing your behavior as a result of his bullying.

I would suggest start complaining about his body, perhaps the size of his d**k and see how he likes it. However, in my experience, this resulted in some aggressive threatening behavior. Instead, I would be seriously considering leaving this man once the lockdown is over. That doesn’t necessarily mean pack your bags one day and leave as that is not realistic for many people, but begin the mental process of re-evaluating your life with a man who is basically trying to erode your confidence and make you feel ashamed of yourself.

Men have this things with boobs as it’s like a stamp of their possession and a marker for other men. These are not just little digs about something trivial. This is an outward expression of something much deeper.

My ex used to make constant comments about my body but did admit it was because he didn’t like other men looking at my bum. And that was his excuse for years of body shaming me. After children his control escalated into emotional and psychological abuse and then physical.

You having visible boobs makes you more desireable to other men, and therefore threatens his position. Please be clear that I am in no way justifying this, as this is very controlling behavior and in no way justified. I really feel for you as your post reminded me of years of hiding in my bedroom in tears because of the things a man would say to me. You are so much better than that xx

GinghamStyle · 14/04/2020 00:22

I’m just had a look at your other threads and I can totally see why you’re minimising this behaviour. I recently ended a year and a few months relationship with someone that I thought was my soul mate, my One. When times were good, we had some great, happy, funny times. Great sex. The best sex. I’ve never had sex like it before and I don’t know if I ever will again. I trusted him like I’ve never trusted anybody. But unfortunately, the version of him that I love doesn’t really exist. It’s just an act he plays. It’s not sustainable. The real him, he shows me with his actions: the manipulation, the corse words, the mind games, not fulfilling promises, the lies, the shouting, the intimidation, trashing my house... - the list literally goes on...

Now I have a non-molestation order in place and when the police finally get round to charging him for breaching it, they’re going to recommend that it’s in place indefinitely.

When he was in a good mood, he was the best I’ve ever had - when things were going his way, that is. When they weren’t.... it’s a different story. The worst thing is that I minimised it all and it took me a long time - too long - to put my son first and to finally say No More.

I’ve dated more than my fair share of men of this sort in my time. Right now, I’m 91 days single. I honestly don’t trust myself to date again any time soon. But, my relationship with my son has never been better. My world has become predictable again. I’ve re-establishes close ties to my best friends and up until Corona hit, I had a pretty busy 2020 planned visiting them all, making time for me again and enjoying some very overdue and well deserved mum-son time!

Every now and again, I’ll think back to my relationship and things will come to mind that I let slide at the time because I couldn’t face another argument or worse, times I became defensive over something that should never have been called into question. I’ve been such a fool, but that’s in the past now. I’ve got to move forward making the right choices for me and for my son - and for now, that means no more boyfriends for the foreseeable future. I’ve downloaded an app to count the days that I’m single. I remember being thrilled about getting to 30. I’ve not checked it much during the last few weeks and I’m so happy to be on 91 today. 3 months. I’ve had more clarity during these past 3 months than I have for the past 3 years!

Sending you strength and courage xx

On another note though, I’d suggest that you do the bra intervention (otherwise called boob or bust) and measure yourself and get some bras that fit properly. M&S are renowned for sizing badly and having a bra that fits you well might make you fall in love with your boobs and your figure again. xx

Dannyandsandy · 14/04/2020 04:04

this has to be a wind up post? If not, please leave OP. You deserve better than this. X

AngryRedhead · 14/04/2020 04:24

38DD boobs aren’t big though. Very large around the torso, but fairly small cup size.

I’m 32D and I look practically flat chested sometimes. My mum was a size J, that’s more what the OP sounds like. Perhaps the OP hasn’t been properly measured, but it’s a bit weird to mention your bra size, especially when it’s a bra size that most women know doesn’t mean huge boobs.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2020 04:40

The point of the OP isn't the size of her boobs, AngryRedhead.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 14/04/2020 06:11

The OP isn’t listening folks.

CtrlU · 14/04/2020 06:58

His insecure and your a desperate mug

The end Wink

KatherineJaneway · 14/04/2020 07:08

There is no way he will let me go alone

Its just this one poxy issue, just this one, everything else is fine

He won't let you go out alone and constantly berates you for what you wear. You have a huge issue here, it is not 'fine'.

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2020 07:16

It’s clearly not the one issue, he won’t let you go out and do some thing you need to do on your own! Also, it is a particularly huge issue if you are even contemplating a baby. How will he cope when your boobs explode? When you’re trying to get breastfeeding established? Can you imagine him when you had to feed a baby in public? Wouldn’t you spend the entire first 6 months of a baby tiptoeing around going sick with anxiety trying not to upset him because your boobs are front and centre every few hours?

ReallyLoveChickens · 14/04/2020 07:18

What a miserable life.

joystir59 · 14/04/2020 07:23

Wear what you feel comfortable with and tell him to fuck off

BackseatCookers · 14/04/2020 07:31

@Mumofthree1984

  1. Would a lovely man ever ever ever not let you do that alone if you wanted to? Not let you visit your own fathers grave alone?
  1. What would your dad think of him treating you this way?
SummerWhisper · 14/04/2020 07:32

It's one poxy issue that will permeate into every aspect of your life - this one poxy issue is control - and that makes him a very dangerous man. He has merely started with your breasts as a testing ground to check how much control he can exert. It will escalate. He will ruin your life and your children's lives.

Original poster
Mumofthree1984 · 14/04/2020 08:32

Sorry everyone I had an early night, I'm. So stressed, I'm. Still working, still taking dc to school, everything is so stressful, he has apologised this morning and said he shouldn't feel so insecure, but I've a feeling like u all say it will not go away

OP posts:
LovingLola · 14/04/2020 08:33

It won’t.
Tell him to leave.

fluffymummykins · 14/04/2020 08:37

It sounds like he is controlling. He should accept you how you are. My ex dictated what I wore and bought my underwear for me. Hence why he is an ex.

Easier said than done, but get rid of him.

SueEllenMishke · 14/04/2020 08:41

It won't go away. It will get worse.
If you don't 'get over it' and accept his apology he will tell you you are being unreasonable over a minor issue.
He's controlling, abusive and is judging other men by his poor standards. Because he will perve over other women and their boobs he thinks all men do.

Lucked · 14/04/2020 08:43

You are a fool to stay with him. You say that there are no other issues but I think that is because you are living a life bound by confidence issues. Work and home and him.

Do you go out without him? Exercising or seeing friends (before lockdown)?

Tigersneeze · 14/04/2020 08:43

be is body shaming you.

he is controlling what you wear.

You mentioned he is not allowing to go out.

so he is controlling what you do, and what you think about yourself.

you ripping up your own bras - there is a lot of anger and frustration you direct at your bras, that anger should be directed at HIM.

Cant you see that however "great" he is otherwise, it's a slippery slope into a more and more controlling relationship.

I hope you will be able to take ok board how many pp here saw this too, because at the moment you cant see your situation clearly.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 14/04/2020 08:45

Just this bloody issue with my boobs, which without a beast reduction

You definitely need a beast reduction. He's the beast and he needs to be reduced! Get rid OP he's an abusive bully. It's "just" the boobs now bit it'll be something else and get worse and worse.

Gwynfluff · 14/04/2020 08:47

Cup size is relative to the band size. So DD on a 38 band is bigger than in say a 32 or a 34. Bit strange to suggest the OP is over estimating her size as some posters are. Most common measuring error is to over do the band size, so if this went down, cup size would go up.

Original poster
Mumofthree1984 · 14/04/2020 08:56

Yes I go out with friends and with the dc but wouldn't let me go alone yesterday as he said he didn't want me to go. Out upset, I can't deal with his insecurities as well as my own, sorry if I go quiet ladies I'm at work now, thank you all so much for your Input so far, its a great help x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofthree1984 · 14/04/2020 08:59

I wouldn't say I was a desperate mug, as I said he is well unless it is an act is a nice man deep down with a big heart, he. Shows a lot of empathy for people, he even helped me move a dead cat out of the road as I wanted to trace the owner, he stopped all the traffic on a dual carriage way and moved the cat for me and retrieved the info on its collar, there is no way my ex would have done that, it's little things like that where I think arghhhh

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 14/04/2020 09:05

FFS you don't leave parties because it is annoying how they leave the loo seat up and nothing is perfect but this is abusive and I feel so sorry for your children. There shouldn't be any "poxy" issues in a good relationship Hmm. This man is creepy and I think he's read your history.

SunshineCake · 14/04/2020 09:06

There's no helping her