Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

He sounds like my ex.

My life was a lot easier and happier when he became an ex !

He's a wanker.

Hth

Sorry op but your partner is a 24 carat c u n t. Totally unreasonable and extremely entitled. Sorry if my reaction comes across quite strong but your experience has my blood boiling. Op, why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this?

What a twat. Kick him out!

I had a feeling you'd all say this!
I know he's in the wrong I think I'm just so bloody used to it when it happens I just kinda roll my eyes now, it's so predictable. Feel like I've got 3 kids.
I think I allow it because he's not 'all bad' yes he's a twat, he even says it himself, he knows he can be a right c u n t but he says he's always been like that, it's like he's accepted it himself and just cracks on with life that way.. When he's not being a sulky bastard he's really nice, anything I ask for I get, anything I need I get, but this is mainly money based.. If I say I need £50 for a food shop, there will usually be £100 put in my account within the hour, I think this is his main issue, he said earlier 'anything you tell me you need you get, you need money I give it to you no questions asked.. But you pullbyour face at making me a sandwich and grabbing me a drink from the fridge when I ask you to'. Which I admit is true! But its more the WAY he asks for it, not that he's asked for it, if that makes sense.
He's a Jekyll and Hyde pretty much, nice til I piss him off or behave ungrateful or whatever, then a twat to punish me for it, his own words! He does it on purpose, to get me back for complaining about catering to him when he caters to me financially with no problem.
Dunno if that makes a difference though?

No - he is. He’s well out of order. He sounds like a sexist throw-back to the 1950s and he needs rapid and effective re-education.

You don’t mention it but I assume a lot of your time is spent caring for your DC. That is actually an exhausting full-time job for the first few years of parenthood. That is why you’re on mat leave. Not as a housekeeper and chef. And, btw, you being at home looking after the child you both created is what allows him to go out to work. If you return to work, you will be paying someone to do that job. (Personally I would recommend returning to work at least part time because he sounds like someone who will give you a hard time over money. Plus it may be your choice in any event - it was mine).

It sounds like because you’re not being paid to do that job, he doesn’t value your contribution. He might currently be earning money and paying the rent but you are raising your child. That is a huge contribution to your shared lives and he needs to get with the programme, value it properly and share the domestic load. That is what a good partner and father does.

I think he is pretty clear and consistent. You're to do everything around the house, he can order you around, and he'll pay the bills. He isn't open to any changes. I don't think you're missing anything. As long as you are in this relationship, this will be how it works. It wouldn't be okay for me but it's not my choice that's important.

Yeah you're right, I tell him he's misogynistic and acts like he's from the 50s, he just laughs and doesn't take it seriously, I think his mum and dad had this set up when he was a kid so it's all he really knows (not making excuses for him at all) albeit his dad's much nicer and does help around the house now that they're older and don't have kids to look after anymore.
But it's just so annoying it's like he cannot understand why I'd ever expect him to do housework, weird though because a few years ago when he was out of work he cooked all the time and would do housework (tidying and cleaning) if I ever took our eldest out shopping etc.
But now he's in a good job earning good money its as though he's too good for it now and just leaves it all to me.
He'll often order takeaways and say I'll get takeout tonight so you don't have to cook babe, so like he's nice at times like that! Just don't know why he can't be nice all the time!? It's really confusing and bloody tiring being with someone who's so up and down backwards and forwards. It's like being with 2 completely different men.

I could not live like this.
For comparison I work 4 days and dh 5.
I'm off work due to cv, dh is not.
In normal life he does more around the house than me, my job is more stressful than his, he acknowledges this. I spend my day off looking after my dgd who is only little.
Now I'm off I do most of the house work and have cooked all our meals, but he would be happy to cook in the evening it's just I'd rather we eat earlier seeing that we can at the moment.
What you describe is a horrible man child, sounds like you'd be better off a single parent receiving maintenance but it's what you're prepared to put up with...

Why on earth would an adult need another adult to get them a drink or make them a sandwich? That’s not taking care of the house, that’s being a slave.

I’ve just finished mat leave. When I was on mat leave, I was on mat leave. Not cooking, cleaning and picking up shite for an adult that can do it themselves leave. My work and the government pay maternity/paternity leave so that a mother/father can bond with their child so that they can become an asset for the society not so some random bloke doesn’t have to do washing up and regresses to childhood. Why on earth does your partner think that your leave should revolve around him?

This is awful for you. I think you need to draw some boundaries. But he's so abusive that I'd hesitate to inflame the situation at the moment. I would be having a serious talk when you have freedom to get away from further punishment if you need to.

I feel sorry for you that you cannot see what an impact this will have on your children and their view on relationships. This isn't just about him expecting you to do all housework, it is the complete lack of respect.

Your bar is too low, he gets a take-away and you are so grateful. In contast I am a SAHM with a Dh who cooks at the weekend, loves spending time with the children who are now teenagers and sets an example of how you treat females in general.

Dh was raised by a SAHM and she raised him right. Your Dh would have to do all his own cooking and cleaning if he was a single parent. Ever thought of it like that? Did he come straight from his parents house and move in with you?

Him being a sulky bastard as you put it just shows you that this is abusive. He does this to punish you for something he judges as wrong, you won't do it again because of the resulting behaviour. You will find that you will stop being yourself in fear of upsetting him, walking on eggshells constantly worrying about what you have said, done or not done.

All this is true. I know its abusive, I've always known it, I just don't know what to do, I've tried to change it, stand up for myself etc just makes it worse really, he can't stand me talking back to him when he thinks he's in the right.
If we didn't have the kids I know I'd have leftbyeats ago, I just known if I do leave it'll be a whole load of drama I don't want, plus I'd have to share the kids with him and I don't want them away from me for days at a time. I sometimes just picture the day they're grown up and moving out and smile that I won't feel the need to stay anymore.

Also, his mum was really mean to him for a lot of his childhood, don't think that's helped his views and attitudes towards women. They get on now but it clearly still has an effect on him doesn't it...

tell him to fuck off and LTB

Haha I've thought about it a million times. We nearly broke up just before I got pregnant.. He wouldn't leave and I told him no way in hell was I leaving with our son a week before Christmas, a few days later we made up and I'm still here. Just goes round and round in a shitty boring cycle.
I was fed up of it years ago just don't have the guts to go. Makes me feel very weak and stupid but I know I'm not the only one going through this, that's what helps me get through the day!

You can't change him. Abusing you is a deliberate choice.

Do you want your children to grow up and treat others like this or accept being treated like this because they think it's normal to be abused by people who claim to love you?

Do you want them to grow up believing abuse is what love looks like?

It's not possible for children to grow up in an abusive environment and reach adulthood entirely unaffected and well adjusted, able to live happy lives with healthy relationships. It messes them up into adulthood.

If you stay it's not for their benefit, it's for yourself.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

My ex is like this. They make the verbal battering so awful its not worth the fight. You end up just doing their shit. Please get rid of him.

My thoughts are that you're shacked up with a vile, abusive misogynist.

He's a sexist prick.

He might be giving you housekeeping money (big deal, it is 'family' money anyway) but giving you money does not entitle him to behave as though you are his servant, to do his bidding and make him a sandwich.

Invoice him for 50 % of childcare. After cv get a cleaner and bill him 50 % for her..
Ltb and I bet he won't put himself out to have the dc much anyway.

You're all totally right. My son hears all this and talks about it now and then, he knows his dad does nothing round the house, he knows the way he is is wrong, he says he'd never treat his wife that way when he grows up, the poor lads 7 and is just used to it, he knows its wrong though.
The thing I worry about the most is how the kids will be when they're older, if our daughter will allow a man to treat her this way, but I tell you I'll spot it a mile off and he'll be told to never go near her again, my mum spotted this year's ago she just doesn't rock the boat and say anything to him because of the kids I think.
I fucking hate it I really do, I look at him and think who do you think you are treating anybody, not just me, like this. I'm a chilled empathetic, kind person and I think that's why he sticks with me even though he makes out I'm useless, because he knows I'm soft and will just keep pandering to him whereas a lot of women wouldn't.
One day I will just snap and that will be it though, I'm just waiting on that day.

Only half way through your original post.

Those excuses are bullshit.

I'm by no means perfect but I work full time, 12hr shifts and pay pretty much everything.
Mortgage, bills ect.

Had our first kid November last year.

I still do plenty of housework, as for cooking lol.
You don't need to be a cook to throw a pie in an oven and steam some veg.

Just because one partner is working that doesn't absolve you of doing anything else. Tell him to buck his ideas up.
If I moaned about a meal that was cooked for me I end up fucking wearing it 😂

And rightly so.