Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

NEver agree to ever weekend. Do not back down on that. If he wants them more than every other weekend, he can have two nights in the week one week. Him having all the fun time and you all the stressful time is not acceptable or fair.

Thanks Calleigh, I always thought if I offered every other weekend I'd always suggest at least one week night the week he doesn't have them, seems fair to me. Even if he can't keep them for the night due to work or whatever I'd suggest taking them out for tea or something like that.

Hopefully you're starting to see what life could look like if you split up with him, and it's not so scary and not what he says it would be. He doesn't call the shots. He's just a bully.

Yeah I am starting to picture what it could be like, looked at what I'd get with UC and I'd have plenty to live on I think, besides the rent my bills aren't too high etc I would cope. Thanks everyone for your kind words and support

even if he can't keep them for the night due to work or whatever

Can you choose not to parent when you might need to work or whatever?

No?

Then he arranges his work and whatever around his parental responsibilities.

You are not the only parent.

He is not only a parent when it is convenient for him.

That's true, it can't all be down to when it's convenient for one person. If we couldn't come to an agreement I'd have to go through mediation, he can't make all the bloody rules by law can he, its not what he wants if what the kids need and that's that.

Well done @Cmarie74 for waking up to this when your children are young. I'm in the same place as you, looking at how to start again on my own but I'm 55 and endured more than 25 years of this type of behaviour.

I completely understand how hard it is to leave, especially when they are in the 'nice' phase and how easy it is to go on hoping that things will get better but they don't.

I really woke up when my 18 year old daughter started a relationship with a guy who did all the same things to her. The guilt and shame I felt at realising that I had taught her that this is how relationships are was crushing. Thankfully she now knows how to spot red flags and I am on my way out.

It won't get better, it will get worse and your spirit will be broken. Good luck on the next scary but exciting phase of your life.

Thankyou somefantasticplace that was really nice. I'm so sorry you've dealt with this shite for so long, you're a strong woman, your daughter will be too.
It's hard isn't it, he's gone back into his nice phase now, I'm just keeping my distance though and being civil, just looking at him is pissing me off but like you said it's hard to walk away even when love has faded, I wish he'd just left the other day. Maybe he still might, maybe I will.
Did your daughter ever act the way her dad acts? Or did she just end up with someone like him? I think I'm more scared of my kids behaving that way than being with someone like that, if you know what I mean.. Because I can't change their future behaviour but I would make sure they can recognise it in someone else.

Thankfully she never acted that way, sadly ended up more like me - someone who avoided arguments and had low self-esteem.

I also have a DS who is almost an adult and he isn't like my stbxh either. We have talked about this openly and about my worries that they have seen an unhealthy relationship. They both love their dad and love me and just want us both to be happy but see that won't happen if we stay together.

I wish I had been stronger much earlier and can't understand why I didn't see the situation as abusive sooner but I'm trying to look ahead now.

I'm so glad for you, and then, that they didn't turn out like him. That's my main hope for my two, my son acts out now and again and I think oh god please not you too, but I don't know if its his age and just his natural personality, I'll see when he gets older I suppose. I've spoken to him about his dad's behaviour since he was around 4, always told him that it's not right and he understands that thankfully, I always wanted to make sure he knew being angry and aggressive wasn't the way to deal with people, he sometimes gets that way but he's hoping he just grows out of it like most do.

You and your girl will be fine once you're out I'm sure, and you can both build up confidence together ❤️

Nrft but wow. Just wow. I hope you run with decision to ltb. Do not stay with this prick. Cant even call him a man. Hes not.

I'll see when he gets older I suppose.

No. Deal with it now and any time it arises. You must always expect to be spoken to with respect, and if you don't get that there needs to be a consequence and apology. Every time.

Calleigh you're right, when he does act badly I always call him out on it, he doesn't get away with speaking to me like that, even his Dad tells him off for it, weird.

Wow indeed hairwizard, sometimes I just don't know how or why I deal with it, I look at him sometimes and think yep I'm done, then the next day it's like nothing happened and my mind tricks itself into thinking oh no its gonna be alright now, even though I know it isn't, honestly it's the strangest fucking thing I've ever dealt with (excuse my French) and I know one day my body will follow my mind out the door.

Children don't learn about relationships by you telling them, they absorb what they grow up with. It's no good telling a child it's not the way to be, when you make it their normal.

Agreed. You tell him his dad's behaviour isn't right, but if you chose not to walk away from such treatment, then your actions would speak louder and they would be saying that it's not so bad really.