Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

Very strange. Thanks for checking in❤️
Hasn't said a bad word to me all day today but hasn't really spoke to me much either, hasn't mentioned moving out again and is just keeping himself to himself, still all nicey nicey with the kids but basically ignoring me unless he needs to speak to me. Hasn't asked me for anything all day but I made us all dinner and tea so as not to seem the cunt he says I am. He also said at dinner time 'do you want me to take you shopping, we need food don't we' I just said OK. Dropped me off with the baby to shop and took son to play football (not allowed in shops as groups it seems) then picked us up when we were done. I've cried 3 times in private today because I don't know what the fuck he's thinking or doing now.

He is messing with your head deliberately to maintain the power dynamic in your relationship.

All part of the abusers script!

He's probably got no intention of moving out really. He just wants you crying and begging him to stay. Maybe he suspects he's pushing it too far, so he's pretending everything's normal to reel you back in.

Sound like my ex. He got worse over the 10 years we were together, I now cherish the day I kicked his lazy wobbly ass out my home. I have a actual man now, who goes to work full time and does overtime, helps with chores, meals and I've never once had to ask him to help me kids.
I couldnt ever live like I did with my ex ever again. Tell him to pull his finger out

Id second he has no intention of moving out. Why would he? Youre still doing everything for him because you are too scared not too.

His behaviour isnt bizarre or baffling. He is literally following the step-by-step guide how to be an abuser. Abusers have mean and nice cycles. It is designed to mess with your head.

You need to get the ball rolling on uc, child maintanence etc. When are you due back at work?

Just read this thread...yet another fabulous, strong, powerful woman ground into the dirt by a misogynist, egotistical pig who she gave all her power to and put on a pedestal, raised her family in a toxic abusive environment because she couldn’t bring herself to “break up the family” even though he broke her and her children.

OP, wake up. WAKE UP!! He’s literally destroying your DS, he’s only what 7? Act now! You have given this piece of shit ( who is just another sexist, backwards, stupid abusive pig ) FAR too much fanfare and power. For what...for what? Money? YOU can make money. YOU can be the breadwinner...it’s YOU! You’re the fucking hero of your children’s life! Step up to the plate sweetheart and be that hero your children are so desperate for! Don’t you know that you are worth 10 of him? Look at how he’s fucking with your head. It’s confusing you right? Imagine being a CHILD in that situation! Not understanding anything about what’s going on around you. It’s too sad, honestly. Get them out if that toxic environment and give them and yourself a bloody chance to break that cycle. Get him out, get in benefits, talk to your LL, talk to your mum, get him OUT! Please! You OWE it to them to provide the best childhood you possibly could and I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but you’re letting them down. You really, really are. And you know it.

@Cmarie74... As PPs have explained: your partner is following the classic abuser's script. "Horrible - nicey-nicey - horrible", and so on. Ad infinitum. Unless you put a stop to it. And the only way to stop it is to get rid of him.

He will not change. This is who he is. A despicable POS who DELIBERATELY, in a very calculated manner, abuses his life-partner, the mother of his children, the person who bends over backward for him and who he promised to love and cherish...

Do what you need to do. Take your power back. Your children will thank you one day.

Your post has made me cry, thank you.
I know I'm strong really and a good person, but he tells me I'm the exact opposite, weak and a dickhead apparently. He says I'm bitter about doing anything for him and he doesn't understand why. I said it's because you're so mean to me! He still doesn't get it, he told me the other day I should count myself lucky to have someone who would do everything he does for me, apparently the last 8yrs for me have been stress free and I've wanted for nothing. He's so delusional.
I know I'm letting my kids down and that's what kills me the most, especially my son, he already speaks to me the way his dad does sometimes when he's frustrated, he knows it's wrong but it's all he knows.
I can't believe I let myself get in this mess.

You are not letting your kids down, HE is

This man views your relationship as a transaction, not as a partnership. You need to get out.

So now is the time to make plans to get him out.

Thankyou, I feel like I let them down so much by staying, when really I know he's the problem not me, so really it's him letting them down the most. He just does not see that, he thinks because he's nice to them and buys whatever they need that he's a good parent, he doesn't understand how much he's going to ruin them hy treating me like this, he honestly believes he isn't affecting them I'm sure.
I just wish he'd disappear, but I don't know how to make him go.
He's a big guy, not fat just tall and built well, I can't remove him myself, I can't do anything. He's honestly the scariest person I've ever met, coupled with being one of the nicest too (when he's on his best behaviour) I feel so sad that I was tricked into thinking he would change all those years ago and I've just been waiting it out believing one day he'd see how awful he is and make a change himself. He knows he's a bastard he says it himself! But why is he happy to live that way!? I don't get it.

You can "get your partner to leave your home or stop them coming back – this is called an ‘occupation order’. You can start an application for a non-molestation order or an occupation order on the CourtNav website."
flows.courtnav.org.uk/register

Lots of useful information online, @Cmarie74:

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/domestic-abuse-violence/advice-if-your-partner-is-violent-or-abusive/

www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/blog/2016/02/01/i-scared-partner-wont-leave-property-can-i/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

And, finally, the national organisation that supports single parents:

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Thanks you for all that FlowerArranger
Just a question, with all this going on, even if he left he would still see the children wouldn't he, I mean he's not the kind of person (I don't think) to disappear on his kids, he thinks they need him no matter what, he would be too ashamed to be an absent father anyway, too much pride in himself. He wouldn't want to look bad to everyone else.
With an abusive coparent, what's the best way to deal with that and how would I go about schedules without court, I don't think I could afford it we'd probably end up working it all out just us, mostly by his choice, he's way too proud to go to court I think unless I stopped him from seeing them completely.
Anyone here give their kids to other parent every weekend? As that's what he makes out he would want and I'd just have to go along with it. I'd hate that.

No, every weekend would be massively unfair, as he'd get all the leisure time and you'd have all the school runs/childcare/work days.

Something fairer would be every other weekend and an evening during the week, for example.

Ideally you'd agree something convenient and fair to you both. Mediation would usually be the first stop if unable to resolve between you. Court if that fails. As there's abuse, things may need to be done differently, so advice from domestic abuse support services would help you. But no way do you need to accept him having them every weekend.

He is paying you to be a slave.

As long as you offer reasonable access, he can demand what the hell he wants, but it doesn't mean he gets it. (But stuff about access is why if you leave, you really mustn't leave your ds with him).

You are jumping into the future too much. And finding ways to avoid having to leave or upset anyone in the present. You can leave first and sort the mediation out later. Do one step at a time.
Your son has learned the game of kiss the arse of the person who's most aggressive and abusive. Think you learned that one too. And that bullying women is a great way to get them to make your dinner for you.
Have you ever shown your anger to this man?

You are completely dependent on his attitude towards you to tell you who you are. That's not the truth of you. You are a good person. Don't believe the Story that he likes to tell himself about you out loud.
You are enabling him with your responses.
He tells himself a Story about you to make himself feel better. It's not the truth of you. Get your head out of his feelings and into your own feelings.
You are saying you'd prefer to stay and have yourself and the kids treated like shit 24/7 for years and years, than for them to go and stay with him every other weekend? You are their mother, they will never, ever love anyone as much as you. A weekend with him every 2 weeks won't change anything, it'll just mean you and them are so much happier and freer. You fear abandonment and this man plays into that fear with his push and pull behaviour.

The great thing about separating from him is that the kids don't see his treatment of you any more. That bad role model is instantly removed from their lives.

And I don't mean their father is removed from their lives, just that that aspect of him, him as husband, is not an aspect they'll see any more.

Thanks Sadie, it's true I wouldn't really mind him having them every other weekend, that would just be my time to deep clean the house in peace and have 2 nights undisturbed sleep, it would fly by and I'm sure I'd get used to it quite quickly. I just know he'll try for every weekend and I'd have a huge fight on my hands to make him back down from that I'm sure.
If the aspect of him as a partner is removed I'm sure he'd probably be a decent dad to them, away from me, he doesn't seem to get angered by them the way he does with me, although he can snap at our son but it never lasts long.
That would be best for all of us, it's just getting there.
I rarely show my anger to him, I get too sad and defeated to argue most of the time, I just walk away or give in. Me getting mad would make him worse I think. Doesn't seem like he likes women standing up for themselves.
Ugh I just want this to end its been so long, I'm so tired of it. I just want to be happy and hav emy kids grow up happy and normal!

He will use "the script"....

I want the DC 50:50 and I will never see them again, I will have the DC full time and he will bounce between the 2!

Yeah I just can't guess what he'd do really, he'd either say he wants them all the time but then hardly have them and make excuses as to why, or he'd have them all the time and try to have them even more than arranged to piss me off. It's gonna be one or the other.

Oh God not every weekend! I didn't know any better and had a decade of this. I just seemed to see my dd in uniform, sort homework, cook tea, bath and bed. Relentless. Joyless. I could not organise a trip to the cinema, zoo, nothing.
We are as close as you like now, but I just seemed to get all the work and very little fun as she was growing up.

Oh no willow that's awful, see that's what I have always dreaded in a breakup, losing the fun weekend time. Literally seeing them after school and that's basically it, it would be soul destroying, my worst nightmare.
Glad you have her back now ❤️