Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

Thankyou Hidingtonothing, I am quite a strong person on the inside, I can put up with a lot without giving up/blowing up, but on the outside I probably look weak to him as I don't scream and shout back like a lot of women would, and I just end up doing what he wants.. The only reason I do that though is the kids, so they don't have to see or hear more than they already do, my son gets it in the neck sometimes too, not half as bad as me but he does end up in tears half the time his dad tells him off, I can see he's scared of him but he's always playing around with him etc seems like self preservation to me, making friends with the bully so he doesn't get bullied too.
If it wasn't for the kids he'd probably have had something hard whacked round his head by now and I'd be long gone.
Neither child was planned, but I wouldn't change them for the world.

Your poor son. You need to get him out.

I know, I just don't know how. I have no savings, can't go to my Mums there's no room. I feel stuck with him. I kinda hope one day he just kicks me out so I can just take the kids and go, he can't blame me for splitting up the family then, which is what he would always do if I went of my own accord. Probably turn my son against me for taking him away from his dad etc I just don't know how I'd cope with that.

Thankyou Hidingtonothing, I am quite a strong person on the inside,

But your children aren't.

The only reason I do that though is the kids, so they don't have to see or hear more than they already do, my son gets it in the neck sometimes too, not half as bad as me but he does end up in tears half the time his dad tells him off, I can see he's scared of him but he's always playing around with him etc seems like self preservation to me, making friends with the bully so he doesn't get bullied too.

Please read that again. And again.
And make plans for when this is all over.
This is abuse.

So, what are you going to do to protect your children?

Who gives a shit if he says it's your fault if you split up!? His fucked up opinion counts for nothing. He is nothing. The people who count, you and the dc, know what you're living with.

You have a job, you're on maternity leave, so go back as soon as you can. If you only have joint accounts or he has control of your account, open a new one of your own secretly. You can open a basic bank account online easily. When you're ready to make a break, you can get your job to pay your wages paid into it directly. If possible, start squirreling money away. Get cashback when buying groceries or just small bank transfers into your account if he won't notice.

Speak to Women's Aid. They will help you work out an exit strategy. They have an online chat as well as phone line.

With regard to housing, do you rent or own, is it in joint names, or his? Look at Shelter website for information on your housing rights. They also have an online chat.

As you are in a domestic abuse situation, you may be able to get him out with an occupation order and non-molestation order.

There is help out there available to you. You only have to start making steps. You are not trapped. He is not God.

Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/

Info about housing england.shelter.org.uk/legal/relationship_breakdown

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Info about emotional abuse www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

My son hears all this and talks about it now and then, he knows his dad does nothing round the house, he knows the way he is is wrong, he says he'd never treat his wife that way when he grows up, the poor lads 7 and is just used to it, he knows its wrong though.
^
you realise though if your son keeps seeing hour BF behaviour he will end up like him, even if now he says its wrong.

How can you allow your kids grow up with a role model like your partner? If you don't leave for your sake, do it for your kids.

We've had a huge fight today because I rolled my eyes at something he said, he said it with a tone that he uses a lot when he's annoyed and it really pisses me off.

He's basically told me to get out, to take the baby and go, our son can stay here (bf says he hates me anyway because I'm weak, respects him because he disciplines him properly) and we can swap weekly, I said no way and that I don't have to leave, he can leave if he doesn't want me. He said the house isn't anything to do with me because he pays the rent even though he knows I'm lead tenent, he was there when we signed for the house!
He's just been telling me he hates me, has no respect for me because my life's going nowhere I'm in a dead end job and I have no friends, all this said in front our our children. My son started to cry and he told him don't worry this is the best thing for you. He honestly thinks I'm the problem and I'm the reason we're falling apart. I said you hate me because I don't live up to your expectations you are shallow. He just dismissed that he doesn't care what I think of him apparently. Him and son then went out to play football in the garden laughing and joking with him like nothing had happened... He said my head is fucked up as I'm always forgetting things and doing things wrong, I said that's because I'm with you and it's horrible! He just laughed like he's something amazing.
Tell me I'm not going crazy please.

You will never realise how bad this is until after you have left - for the record if I didnt know better I would ask if you were having a relationship with my Ex Husband.

It took me 8 shitty long years to leave for good, and now 6 years later, I still have moments of clarity when I realise how poorly treated I was.

Put your ducks in a row and make your move, the sooner the better.

For what it's worth, I have an amazing DP now, treats me and the DCs like we're made of something precious, everything is pretty much equal and I am happier than I've ever been.
The DCs are a lot happier too.

I find it so hard to read these sort of threads I can't understand why anyone would want to stay with someone like that. He clearly has no idea how hard doing 'your one job' is! If it was me I'd leaved for the whole day. I mean leave the kids with him and all and do nothing to get them ready for the day. They will be fine for the day. No dinner for him. Just me and the kids no washing done. When he then got pissed I'd say why should I do these things for you when you have no respect for me. I still pay towards the bills and this is no equal share of responsibility. Either sharpen up or ship out!

why are you not leaving? take both kids and go to a refuge

Of course it's not you. You're being emotionally abused.

Have you looked at the links I posted?
Are you ready to contact domestic abuse services?
Are you ready to consider taking action?

Neither me nor my DH are perfect and we've both said things we didn't mean in anger but that is a whole other level OP, it made me feel sick to read the way he speaks to you. I know the practicalities are far from easy but you have to find a way to get away from him, I really think it's time to ask for some help now

He really doesn't see how he's so bad, he thinks he just has a right to say how he feels no matter how it hurts the other person, in his words he's just being honest and real.
Anyway huge argument today because I rolled my eyes like I mentioned, he wanted me to go, now he's saying he will go but only if I pay next month's rent which is due in 4days, he said he will leave this week if I agree to take over the rent, I currently get less that £700 a month on mat leave and the rents £620, I have £15 in the bank.
Otherwise he told me to go to my Mums with baby til he leaves in a few weeks and I said no because he expected me to leave my son here with him until then.
How do I pay this rent? And how will I continue to pay it and stay in my house on £700 a month.???
Advice anyone please, do I contact universal credit and claim? Can I even get it while on mat leave?
He's even saying he's taking everything he's paid gor which includes all electronics and white goods, baby's pram and car seat!
He said he won't ever give me a penny and if the kids need anything they will get it when they are with him in his new amazing home.
I feel like I'm going to collapse, how will I survive financially once he leaves???

Don't leave your home if you're lead tenant, and don't leave your son. Have him leave.

You can apply online for benefits - universal credit should top you up as a single parent on a low income, so you should be able to cover your rent etc. (It may take a few weeks to come through). You may be entitled to an advance. You can get single person discount on Council Tax etc.

Speak to your landlord about having him taken off the tenancy and you may be able to arrange something about the rent. (You can't be evicted at this time as far as I know because of Covid, and anyway it takes ages). Speak to them tho, as they're more likely to be sympathetic if they know what's going on rather than if you just fail to pay rent.

www.entitledto.co.uk/ Benefits calculator

www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Your partner will also be liable for child support, so as soon as he's gone, put in a CMS claim against him.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I have looked at some of them thank you for that, I'm just trying to do it whenever he's not around.
I don't want to go to a refuge or anything like that, I just want to be in my home where my children feel settled. I can't take my eldest somewhere like that I just can't, it's not his fault.
What could a domestic abuse service do for me? We just had another talk he's all excited about his new life without me and blah blah blah the kids are gonna love it when they're at his, which they probably will because he'll give them everything they want and act like the best dad ever when he has them, I told you he's very manipulative. I asked him why he can love the kids and treat them like he adores them but not me, he said they're my blood and when I look at them I see me, when I look at you I don't see anything. Wow.
I said why do you think you're so special? He said I'm not special I'm nothing, but I can do better than you.
He basically has also just said he wants a woman who will do the housework and cooking without complaining because she wants to look after him, as he looks after her financially. Is he from 1950 or what? I said no woman wants that! We want someone who will help us! He said well if the woman I was with didn't want to do that for me then I wouldn't be with her anymore. He says it's because he doesn't like doing housework and cooking so he will never do it, therefore she's just going to have to do it all. Is he real? He said women 40 years ago did it so why not now? I just don't believe his thought process its bizarre isn't it?!

Thankyou category12, I will call them, he told me to anyway so if I can't pay he doesn't get in bother, he wants his name off.
I just don't want to live in poverty with my babies while he lives like a king on his wage and they prefer being at his house than mine. I can't lose them to him.

Well he won't be rich when he has his own rent to pay and maintenance to you will he...

I cannot believe what I've just read!

I'm not an expert in any shape or form, but I believe Wikivorce has a lot of useful information.

In your shoes I'd also ring a family solicitor to get an idea of the best way to proceed and what you might be entitled to in terms of child and spousal support.

There's also a Divorce forum somewhere on Mumsnet, and one entitled Legal Matters.

I don't think they're married, FlowerArranger.

Thankyou FlowerArranger, yes we are not married so I wouldn't get spousal, just child, but he said he won't pay it.
True he won't have as much money when he's paying all the extra bills and buying his own food all month, good point. Also I just did a check and I think I'm entitled to around £1300 a month and taking away all bills and food I'd have about £260 left over which is much more than I thought! Maybe I won't end up in the gutter. I also did the better off at work calculations and going back pt 16hrs I'd apparently get even more help, hopefully I worked it out properly.
Tiny light at the end of a scary tunnel I suppose.
He's just come into the room and told me he's ordered himself some tea and got me some too because he knows I haven't eaten all day. 2hrs after saying he'll never spend a penny on me again.
His whole being is a mindfuck.

He doesn't get a choice with child maintenance what a dick!