Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

Sounds like he's a paid employee? If so, then child support can be taken straight out of his pay packet eventually, if he's going to be a jerk about it.

Don't let a tiny bit of decency from him make you forget everything that's gone on. It won't last.

I know, it never does. That's what's so horrible about the whole thing, hes nice then mean then nice then mean, even when he's nice I can't relax because I know the next wave of mean will be along soon.
It's like he's doesn't understand he's abusive at all, or if he does he will not admit it. I told him tonight that he is, he's adamant he isn't. Baffling.

Do you think he might have read this post? Just with you saying he offered to make you breakfast/a drink and his antagonistic behaviour? Be careful and clear your history regularly. Don't feel you have to say no to offer of drinks and takeaway etc, it doesn't mean you are forgiving him for years of abuse. Say yes to him leaving and you taking over the rent. If you apply for universal credit the day he leaves it will be backdated. Then contact your landlady/landlord and explain he was abusive and has left and you are waiting for housing benefit. Offer to pay what you can after food etc until it comes through. Hopefully they will be fine to wait but if they are not happy, they can't evict you at present anyway. Let him go. He thinks you need him to pay the rent.

You could also go to the good bank etc until universal credit comes through. You would be entitled to free school meals for your son too, some schools are delivering lunches and some are sending out supermarket vouchers.

And you can bet he will be showing his loving side now he has lost some of his power. You will wonder if you are going mad, is he really that bad? Maybe he will start to be like this all the time and everyone can be happy... Don't let him take the power back. It will only be temporary. He's shown what he really thinks about you, about all women.

Well, of course he's not going to see it like that.

We all like to be the heroes of our own lives, we don't customarily go round thinking we're not justified in what we do. You're not going to be able to make him see or admit he's abusive and in the wrong.

My mum stayed 'for us'. She's still there years after we've all left dancing to his tune.

I wish she would have left years ago, I know it's hard though op. I still love him, he's my dad I'll always love him. But I think I would've grown up to be a happier, more well adjusted person if he had been there less.

You can do it op. He's trying every trick in the book at the moment to get to you.

Telling you the kids will prefer living with him - bollocks, kids like time and attention, they couldn't give a shit about a nice house or 'stuff'

Telling you about his wonderful life - bollocks, he'll have less money than now AND have lost his cook, cleaner, and general skivvy

Telling you he won't pay CM - bollocks, go via cms and they'll take it from his wages

Telling you, you can't afford it - bollocks, UC will see you through until you can go back to work, then there's benefits to help with childcare etc

The truth here OP, is that 'he' thinks he's getting the best deal, but you'll come out in too. Might be a bit difficult for a few months but I guarantee he'll be a snivelling, begging, man wanting to come back .he thinks he's on the up, and you are down, but that will change very quickly and you'll end up happy, contented with happy kids who want to spend time with you, he'll be a sad old man child.

I know you've said there's no room at your mum's but have you actually checked with her? Im sure if she knew how bad things were for you at home she would make room. Sleeping on a floor or a sofa is preferable to this surely? Obviously I mean to take both your kids.

You'll have a few weeks of shutdown then to sort out your finances, check what benefits you may be entitled to etc.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. You're all right. I don't think he's seen this though, if he had he'd go ballistic for sure, not nice again. He'll do his best to find a new gf ASAP to do all that shit for him, he'll be lucky if he does. He said he just wants a woman who loves and looks after him that he can love and spoil. In reality he just wants a gorgeous 25yr old who will adore him and clean up after him, he might find one he's so charming but she'd see the real him eventually and he'd be on his own again.
My mum lives in a 2bed cottage, tiny, her spare room my old room is now full of her stuff. She probably would let us in but it would be terrible it's so small. I'm hoping with UC I can just stay here for the next few months until I can maybe find somewhere cheaper, but with an extra bedroom for baby when she's older, I don't want to be moving them every few years.
I think kids do prefer love and attention yes, I can give them that, my sons is a little spoiled though that's what worries me, he likes all the technology etc I won't be able to give him all that, not as much as his dad anyway, I just hope he sees its not important.
I would look into food banks etc thanks for that I wouldn't have though of it otherwise. Just to get me through the first little while.
You've all been a great help, especially the ones who have been through it, to tell me it will be ok eventually, thankyou.

He's a lazy bastard.
Your job at home is MUCH harder than his.
He wants to try swapping jobs with you!
I bet he wouldn't last a day let alone a night with your baby.

Ah just see your update.
Good luck 💐

He's a misogynistic fuck wit and your life will be easier without him. My husband pays all the bills and does at least half of the housework because we agree that raising kids and working from home is not a reason to be left with all the crap jobs.

I second all of the claims that your partner is a pathetic man child. He knows perfectly well what he’s doing and is doing it to scare and unsettle like all this other behaviour which is also designed to get you comply with what he wants.

The best thing you can do is assume that everything he says in wrong, and that it’s all because he thinks he is the most important.

Wrong. Your kids are the most important thing. Show that against this fool and you have nothing to fear. Keep a diary of what you do in the home and for the children. It will help you if there are contact disputes.

You are equal to him. Get making more decisions. He hasn’t got that yet, but eventually it will dawn.

You are doing so well OP to take all this on board, it's great to see your reality check and your strength and self esteem growing. I just want to give some warning, if he is anything like my ex he will likely dig his heels in about leaving when he realises you don't need him. But if you do manage to get him out he will probably come back to you at some point and beg for you back. With my ex, it was tears that won me round the first (and second) time. By the third time we had a baby daughter and he has been agressive to me in front of her and that was the last straw. When he sobbed and sobbed a few months after I kicked him out it didn't work that time. It sounds like all he has going for him is his looks. He probably will find girlfriends easily, but he sure as hell won't keep them.

It was the Mumsnet relationship board and other online support forums that made me realise how flawed and unhealthy my situation was over 10 years ago, and what was normal in a loving relationship in huge contrast to mine. I had nothing to compare a healthy relationship with as a child. This is one of the reasons why I'm so invested in this, and telling you it isn't okay or acceptable. I really feel there is hope for you to ditch this loser.

Thank you. This board really does help, helps to know I'm not the only one and all the insights from you all telling me that's he's the problem, not me.
Our son just woke up Im in his room settling him back to sleep, baby wakes up and starts to cry, I go back in our room where she is and he's rolling over saying 'fucksake' because he's been woken... He's unbelievable. I can be up all hours of the night with both of them but god forbid he gets woken up.
He will probably change his mind like you say, he's done this before.
His looks and money are all he has to offer, and his fake charm and financial generosity, but only when he's in a good mood. Good luck to any new women is all I can say.

Are Nancy to his Bill Sykes OP??

What do you mean? I know their story, Oliver twist. But in what sense do you mean am i Nancy to his bill? You mean do I give as good as I get? She was a little fiesty from what I remember!

Just read your thread OP - what an arse he is!
Can you speak to your landlord, see if he can wait for his rent? Lots of landlords are taking reductions in rent due to the lockdown etc. He may be prepared to help you out.
Try not to back down because you're worried about the financial side of things. There is help out there. Good luck!

financial generosity what the man who makes you pay for everything and then makes a big deal out of giving you 'his' money. All money should be family money.

Dont leave your flat, @Cmarie74. Not just beause your mum's house is too small, but finding a rental as a single mum with low earnings and dependent on UC is not easy.

Don't worry too much about going in arrears; a lot of people are falling behind during the C19 crisis. But do talk to your landlord and keep him/her updated on what is going on. If you have been a good tenant, they won't want to lose you, provided you show willingness to pay back any arrears.

OP, you talk a lot about finances and how much your boyfriend earns and how he holds all the power.

From what I can see, he works on a manual warehousing job and I’d imagine he’s not on huge money.

What he earns isn’t out of your reach- if you get away from him and focus on creating a career for yourself, you’ll be able to earn too.

There is lots of little extras as a single parent that you might not have thought of, often slightly reduced utilities, reduced council tax, you would probably get free school meals even if you carry on working, warm home scheme, healthy start vouchers.

How are things today OP? Hope you're ok