Am I Missing Something Here???

[Cmarie74]

To make it easy for everyone I'll give a quick back story.. Iive been on mat leave since sept19 and partner still works full time. 2 kids together.

Now, am I the unreasonable one to be annoyed that he doesn't help with housework or cooking at all, and never did while I was working full time before New baby's birth..
I do every household job on my own and make every meal for us all. He has always said I'm not a great cook, which I'm not, but definitely not the worst, but still I try and he doesn't offer to help cook or cook instead of me, will just complain when he doesn't like the food. Sometimes full blown rows over it that can last in a few days sulking and snarky comments. All housework, I do, don't actually bother asking him to help me but when he does get shitty over it not being done right or that I've not done enough, I will comment that maybe of he helped it would get done a lot faster and more often. He literally says 'that's not my job, that's your job. I work and I pay the rent.' that's his excuse as to why he refuses to do anything at home. He's even more on it now that I'm at home all day and don't work, yeh during this lockdown where he's also at home all day he hasn't lifted a finger and still states that he's still paying all the rent and buys food when my money runs out (I pay all utilities and food til my account is empty) and that the only reason he's at home is because he's not allowed to go to work at the moment. He says my days haven't changed so why would I need help now?
He's just complained that we've ran out of the bread he eats and said something to the effect of 'your one job is to look after the household and you can't even do that one thing'.. But we all know that one job is more like 10 jobs in 1, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, ironing, childcare etc which can't all be done perfectly every single day by one person. He doesn't seem to understand that!
Are most men like this or am I the one just being abit lazy in expecting abit of help round OUR house!?
He can getting really mean about it aswell and I just think jesus christ I can't be that bad can I???
Thoughts please!

He's an abusive bastard. Sat about on his arse while you cook and clean and then he has audacity to criticise what you do!

Honestly get rid. This will escalate. Sounds exactly like my ex. He never lifted a finger in the house or with the children but still felt he had the right to tell me how everything should be done and berate me when it wasn't up to his impossible standards.

The best thing I did was get rid of him.

And yes he was another one who never paid a penny for his children and threatened to get custody of them.

Ime games console controls work less effectively if you drop a glass of water on them.

Nowt as satisfying in throwing a useless man child dh out..
Ime..

.

Do you think he purposely got you pregnant in order to keep you trapped? Because that would be my first assumption, looking at the timeline.

You know that you need to go. I know nothing is possible right now with CV. If you feel it's SAFE to do so, stop all the housemaid shit and tell him your job right now is to homeschool the 7yo and look after the baby, everything else is up to him.

Your poor little lad. 7 years old and he already knows his dad is a wrong'un.

House is in your name? Speak to the landlord then get him out. (after lockdown maybe)

And stop washing, cooking cleaning for him. Do it for you and the kids.

He can sort himself out.

Next time he asks when tea is, what would happen if you answered 'I don't know, when are you making it?' or what's for tea 'I don't know, what are you cooking?'

I suppose, like my XH, he would just start on how lazy you were for not making it. Feed yourself and the kids. Let him sort himself out. That might shift his arse off the sofa for a few minutes, at least.

Does he do any diy or gardening? I can't imagine that a grown man believes he doesn't have to contribute to chores because he works. If you split up who would clean his house or get shopping? Has he ever lived alone?

a good job earning good money he assumes that money=power, which sadly is common thinking for abusive men.

Would you want to stay in the house you are currently in? The council used to have a deposit scheme but not sure if it still exists. There will be ways to leave this man.

When I threw exh out ll was more than happy to take him off the tenancy. Didn't even speak to ex!! New one arrived in the post no problem!!

I didn't mean what did he do for a job, but what does he do when he is not doing his share of running the family house? While you are being his skivvy?

Thanks guys, to him money does mean power, its obvious, he's like a drill sergeant.
Can be nice and caring and then within seconds he's blowing up, usually over something I say or have/have not done.
As far as I know he's only lived with one ex and she was much older than him, probably mothered him abit, and his parents obviously, and me.
When he's in a good mood he goes on about jowni do everything for him and the kids and he'd be fucked without me, says things like 'you take a lot of shit off me don't you?' kinda looks guilty about it.. Its like it's something he can't fully control, he gets mad he turns into someone else.. He can't fully see how awful he's being until he calms down. It's weird.

Why have you had another child with him?

Kick him out.

We didn't plan our second, I'd been on contraception since our first was 6m old, I got caught between switching birth control, didn't think id get pregnant as I wasn't even menstruating anymore.
The thing that upsets me the most is the kids, that they have to deal with it all. If it was just me I'd take it for so long and then be gone when I realised he wouldn't change, but the kids keep me there when they should be my main reason for leaving.. I think you can only understand this if you've been through it yourself.
Before this relationship I'd have never imagined I'd ever stay with someone like this no matter how many kids we might have. But it's different when it actually happens. You feel like you can't leave because he would always be there anyway, for the kids, like there's no getting rid of him if we have something (children) connecting us.

My partner of 10 years has never once asked me to make him a sandwich or fetch him a snack. We might encourage the other to get the next beers from the fridge if we are drinking together but that's it. It's never an order. If one of us is making a cup of tea or a sandwich we will ask the other if they want one, even if we know they don't like what were making, it's just basic manners. Ordering you to make him food and get drinks is horrendous, but to complain if you don't do it willingly is abusive. So what if he gives you household money when you request it? That doesn't mean he isn't abusive. For a start, he probably gets a kick out of being in charge of the (joint) money, and abusive people aren't vile all of the time. If they were, very few people would stay in relationships like that. I think your perception of normal relationships is more skewed than you think it is. I say that as someone who was once in an abusive relationship, I'm not being patronising, just desperately hoping you see you and your children are worth more than that.

Part of me used to think him asking me to make him stuff and get drinks etc was quite normal, til he started getting angry when I told him to do it himself, now if I do anything more than just get it I'm lazy and ungrateful for everything he does fo rme, he seems to think he does laot for me, not sure where he gets that idea from.
This evening hes still in a mood with me (been mad at me since Wednesday we've barely talked and when we do he's telling me to do something or just acting the victim because he apparently can't even get a decent meal) he was sat with our baby I walked in the room, 'get me a beer and a frosted glass.' no please, didn't even look at me, I just did it because I didn't want him shouting at me in front of her, makes me feel so pathetic. Another thing he hates is when I mutter things during arguments usually as I'm walking away, apparently that makes me a coward, I do it as I think it's better than saying it to his face and getting more shit, but he also hates when I say things to his face so I can't win either way! Everything I do, he can find a problem with.

OP, seriously, this is wrong, you know it’s wrong and you know it’ll fuck your kids up. It doesn’t matter whether they recognise it’s wrong or not, it’ll still fuck them up. My DP’s dad was similar to your H, she knew it was wrong and it’s still fucked her up.

You have a choice here, you can choose to put up with his shit or leave, your kids do not. You are making their choices for them, choices that will shape the rest of their lives’. If you want to make bad choices for your kids that will fuck up the rest of their lives’ then do crack on putting up with his shit. If you don’t then you know what you have to do.

And as for him taking the kids for some of the time if you leave, he can’t even be arsed to look after them with your help, what makes you think he’ll want to cook for them, bathe them, help them dress, wash their clothes and clean up after them when you aren’t around?

That’s life I’m afraid, when you have kids with a shit they have a shit as a parent, it’s not an excuse to keep them living with a shit. My DS’s father is still a no good lying narcissist alcoholic shitbag, but DS lives with me so he takes his cues in life from me. He’s now 12 and has decided his father is too much of a shit to be bothered with, which is a decision he has been able to make because I got us out of there. Just think about it. Yes leaving an abusive shitbag is hard, but it’s far easier than living with one.

Thank you Mrs Fuckery 😘

Your 'job' duties have increased by 1/3 as he is now home all day, you have an extra child to look after

You need to start building yourself up OP, til you're strong enough to leave him. That's what my focus would be in your shoes, quietly building your confidence and resources so you can get rid.

Yes you will always have to co-parent with him, yes he will always be a pain in your butt to some extent but that's still a massive improvement on being his slave 24/7.

Do the Freedom Programme, in person if you possibly can but the online version is still worth doing if not. Read Lundy Bancroft (link to free pdf version here www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf) and try really hard to do little things for yourself which make you happy, to remind you that you do matter, even though he treats you like you don't.

And you have support here, yes you will get some frustrated posters who can't understand why you don't just go, but you will also get those who understand the process you have to go through to get to that point and will support you for as long as you need. You can do this, you just need to get to the point where you believe you can

Shocked reading this. He is treating you like a servant. He is controlling and abusive. End this now. Your kids will thank you.

Jesus OP, just reading your posts give me the rage. How can you find someone who treats you like a skivvy attractive in any sense. Ueghhhh I'd have NO respect for Gina nd have to leave. I'm embarrassed for him he's such a twat

Staying isn't "for the kids" - or it's certainly doing them no favours. What you're showing them is a totally dysfunctional, disrespectful relationship and that's the model they're likely to recreate in their own lives. They may start treating you like he does.

By leaving, you'd be showing them it isn't acceptable to treat your partner that way and that living like this isn't OK. You'd be taking them out of an atmosphere that is toxic - so they might be with him some of the time, but they wouldn't be living it 24/7 and they would have respite and security with you.

Thank you for that, I said this to my mum today, I just need to build myself up to the day when I just think Fuck This.
I didn't even realise how bad he is til I read everyone's replies, I'm glad it's not just me being over sensitive, I sometimes used to think I was, obviously not!
I'm not scared to be alone, never have been a woman that 'needs' a partner, even with 2 kids it wouldn't be hard as I do all the work anyway, it would actually be easier as I wouldn't be looking after him aswell!
I'll take a look at the freedom progect, I've heard about it but never gone into it any.
He's a good looking man, from the outside I think any woman would think he looks like a great bf, but I don't find it attractive at all, I just look at him sometimes and think who the fuck do you think you are? It's bizarre.
I am embarrassed for him actually, he thinks he's so right and he couldn't be more wrong, I don't kkow how he isn't embarrassed of himself, maybe he is but he doesn't bloody show it.
He's been nicer today, no name calling or shouting, but still asking me for things, I've made dinner and tea and got him 1 drink from the fridge, which is a lot less than usual tbh, I think he's trying to act like he doesn't really need me this past week, been making his own breakfast and brews in the morning, even asked me this morning if I wanted one, he got a flat NO. I'm a grown up I can make my own drinks like most women do, I literally never ask him to do anything for me, unless it's something I can't actually do, which isn't much. It just makes me see him as a nasty overgrown child.
I'm just praying it doesn't affect the kids too much. I'm hoping my disposition rubs off on them more, I'm very calm and chilled and personable, he isn't. He acts like he is, but I see right through it, I hope they will too the older they get.

They will see him for what he is don't worry, but they also need to see that you did your best to protect them from it, and the best way to do that is to leave him as soon as you feel able.

It will feel impossible to start with, the practicalities, the upheaval, the effect on the kids and the fear and worry about what he might do to make things difficult afterwards. You don't have to have all the answers, most of it will work itself out along the way but for now you just need to believe that there will be a way through it all.

You sound stronger already, and like your eyes are opening to how bad things are, the replies you've had here speak volumes. I have no doubt whatsoever that you can do this, you sound very capable to me and far too good to spend your life being this mans servant

I sometimes just picture the day they're grown up and moving out and smile that I won't feel the need to stay anymore

I don’t get this. There’s obviously something in this for you or you wouldn’t have had another baby and pushed the day you could leave out by 7 years.

Your boyfriend sounds like a total prick but you knew what he was like yet went on to have another child with him.

Boot him out.