Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Mine ended just before lockdown. We didn't talk for two months and then he sent me a message to check if I was still angry. I told him, too little, too late.
I work with him so still have professional contact, and I have seen a different side to him. He's not the guy I thought he was.

Anyway, I am pleased about that as it helps my stick to my guns.

I just wish this phase would pass quickly...

I am a betrayed wife, but I’m not here to judge anybody. I want to try to help all involved avoid an absolute shitshow (discovery is hell on a stick for everyone) and a colossal amount of pain which is all too often the sorry outcome of most affairs. The happy ending statistics make dire reading. It truly is not worth it. There are no winners.

I’ve read all the posts and from an outside viewpoint, there is a general similarity between most of the posts here.

Many of you say you have a good marriage, spouse, and the security of family life. Some of you say you love your good, decent spouses and don’t want to hurt them or disrupt the lives of your children. You just need that spark, better sex, more spice to your lives. You have ‘fallen in love’. Some of you are single and your married AP is apparently only still with his wife because for some reason ‘the time’s not right’.

Your APs (or Ex -APs) give you excitement, connection, a spark, etc etc. Of course they do. They are existing with you in a bubble where real life doesn’t intrude, a sanctuary where you can escape to. The illicit nature of affairs, the secrecy and mystique of the unavailability, the stolen moments and longing, heighten feelings until the AP has become an obsession almost like a drug, the high and excitement of it all cannot possibly compare with anyone’s marriage or long term partner. This does not necessarily mean that your AP is your soulmate. It means that you are choosing to get your needs met outside of your relationship rather than within it. All of your focus is turned outwards.
APs who are not single are lying to their partners. They are experts at lying and deceiving. Experts at telling people exactly what they want to hear and manipulating them. Do you honestly think that what they have with you is so ‘different’? That they are incapable of lying to you, of telling you exactly what you want to hear to keep the sex and excitement going? Who ever told their mistress/ OM that actually their wife/ husband was a good decent spouse and a fantastic parent, and that actually they enjoy their happy, secure family life? That they actually want both relationships in order to be ‘happy’? Are they ever going to tell you that you are a provider of excitement, a fantasy, an escape? Of course not.

Seeking out happiness is human nature. The trouble with seeking it via an affair, is that in order to maintain your need for ‘happiness’, you need to ignore the needs of your spouse or partner and lie to them and deceive them, somehow managing to convince yourself that this is the best way to keep everybody happy. Your needs and choices must come first. However:
You are in a partnership. There are two people who deserve happiness here. Your partners deserve the same luxury of choice. You can only have your family security and affair excitement in tandem, because one person in the triangle is ignorant of what is happening. If they knew, would they agree to this arrangement? Do they not deserve excitement and happiness too? They deserve to know how you feel. They deserve to know that their life is not what they think it is. To discover this shatters people. You are risking the mental and sexual health of others to find your happiness. Please think long and hard about this, surely nobody wants to cause another human being agony like this? A person you do not know and who has never harmed you?

I applaud the posters here who have ended their affairs and decided to live an honest life and have an honest relationship with themselves. I’m truly sorry you have been hurt by people who lived out their fantasy through you and hope you find happiness with someone who can be completely yours.

My husband told his AP all sorts of nonsense in order to keep the excitement going. Our marriage wasn’t a bad one, let alone dead. I did still love him and I showed it. We were still sleeping in the same bed. We were having sex. He did tell me he loved me. We didn’t have “boring” weekends. He just wanted the fantasy and ego boost as well. If his AP asked him anything about his marriage, about me, about what we did together, he lied. He knew she didn’t want to hear it. The truth would have killed the affair stone dead. So he lied to her as well as me. He had no intention of leaving his family. Ever. She even asked him if she was his midlife crisis. Even then she knew deep down that she was being spun a yarn, but she’d fallen in love with him and only heard what she wanted to hear. Despite knowing from the off that he was a deceiver and a liar, she decided she was so special to him compared to his awful wife, that he couldn’t possibly be lying to her. She was his saviour. Saving this poor taken-for-granted man from his unhappy home life with a disinterested wife. Didn’t he deserve some happiness and excitement? It was all lies. In reality he was even lying to himself. Reading posts here the pattern sounds depressingly familiar.

Ask yourself honestly why you are not leaving your partner to be with your AP. Ask yourself honestly, if you are single, why your married AP has not left their marriage to be with you. The longer it goes on, the more excuses (lies) you will hear and the less likely your happy ending becomes. Remember that when they leave your bed they are going home to somebody else’s. Every single time.

Everyone in the sorry mess deserves better. Even though I am a betrayed wife, I believe that the OW also deserves better and needs to detach from their ‘relationship’ with the AP (it isn’t a real relationship, it’s operating in a bubble. A dose of reality usually pops the bubble in the most painful way imaginable for all concerned) and work on their own self esteem. You are worth far more than a man who can’t or won’t commit to you. Who only gives you the slivers of time he can spare. Whatever he says, you are not his priority and you deserve better. For your own self-worth, please don’t add participating in being the source of excruciating pain to a stranger who never meant you a minute’s harm, to the guilt you already carry.

As long as you continue putting your energy into your affair, you are sucking the energy out of your primary relationship. Maybe your marriage or partnership would be way better if both parties discussed their problems and focused all their attention and energy there instead of elsewhere. I read the other day that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side of the fence, it’s greener where you water it.

Excellent post @Thewookiemustgo.

Thank you @Ruminating2020. I went through hell, my husband went through hell and though I’ve never contacted her, I’m pretty sure after 14 months of lies and hoping, his AP went through hell too. Shitshow doesn’t begin to describe the utter devastation caused.
Hope it helps someone stay away from either causing or enduring the most awful emotional pain imaginable. Apologies for the essays. Can never write a short post. 😳

Don't apologise @Thewookiemustgo you wrote eloquently and it is important that your voice is heard.You sound like an amazing and very empathetic person. Are you still with your husband?

My own personal experience was I was friends with a coworker at a new place of work after having a baby, and then he disclosed his feelings to me around Christmas. I did the whole I'm flattered but married etc and told dh that day but fast forward a few weeks we were having an emotional affair. It was and still is the absolute worst experience of my life without exception.

Because I had already told dh and told the OM that dh knew, I was under the false impression that I would never cross the line.
It became a very toxic mess with the OM with repeated conversations on a weekly basis about why I didn't want to go any further but I had only myself to blame for putting myself in that position. T

I betrayed my husband and led the OM on. Those are the worst things that anyone can do to another being. I hurt them both and lost my integrity.

I have NCd with the OM even though he made several attempts to contact me by phone and email. It was far easier for me to get over the AP because when he wasn't there, I felt safe.

However the guilt and shame of my selfish actions will always be there, which is a reminder that I will resolve never to do anything like that again. I don't even know whether I'd trust myself so I would go as far as not being alone with a male acquaintance.

I don't know how the AP is feeling after this as his only emotions that he displayed at the time were glee, disappointment and anger. I am hoping that he has reflected on this too and will avoid doing the same thing again.

dh does not hold my actions against me as he says that he knew I would never have left him or go down the physical route. He is a truly amazing and forgiving man and I still cannot believe what I nearly lost over a bit of attention. My EA taught me to appreciate my dh more and that he will always represent the real thing for me. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.

Those of you who are at the start of the affair, please withdraw immediately. Cut off contact if you can. Those of you who are single and considering a relationship with a married person, just don't for the sake of your and everyone's emotional and mental well being. You will never replace the spouse and even if you do, why do you want to be with a cheater?

If it is a decision between the affair and your integrity, it is always, always your integrity. You may regret not exploring the what if but that does not compare with the devastation it will certainly cause.

These recent posts are what I need to hear right now. I’m in position of trying to extract myself. I know I’ve done so much wrong. I found this thread a few days ago and it’s prompted me to end it. I’m 2 years in. Can’t do it anymore. Think I’ve been living in a completely compartmentalised way. I have an eating disorder which is completely out of control as well as an increasing dependency on alcohol. Even in the midst of feeling like I can’t end it I realise I’m on self destruct and have been for ages. It’s all my fault but I want to stop. I told him yesterday. He was upset said he’d respect it but would always respond if I got in touch. I wanted him to be angry and block me so I could use that to move on. I have to see him most days.
My rational self tells me that none of what I’m feeling is real.

Whilst I completely understand this viewpoint, it sounds like you had a decent marriage that your DH/DP was willing to throw away. Whilst I’m not saying that anyone deserves to be the cheated-on partner, sometimes it is like banging your head against a brick wall. Some partners have been told how unhappy their other half is and they don’t take it seriously. The partnership in this case can feel very one-sided. I’m not justifying an affair in the slightest and actually, the person doing the cheating is often filled with guilt and hates doing what they’re doing (amongst the enjoyable aspects).

For me, when I had my affair, we had 3 young children who were witnessing lots of squabbling. This squabbling came about because my DH neglected my feelings about intimacy and actually just plain affection. It had chipped away at my confidence for so long that I didn’t feel able to even get a job again. I was feeling so low and despite me talking to DH about this, this situation didn’t improve. My DH would say sorry and that I should go and find someone who can fulfil my needs but of course he didn’t mean it. However, despite not really wanting me to leave and find someone else, he wouldn’t compromise and I was miserable. I was put in a position where if I left for my own happiness, my children would suffer. They would be without their dad (and he’s actually a good dad) and he would be without them. Financially, we would all have been in a mess and the children’s hobbies would have had to stop. I should have probably sucked it up and ‘took one for the team’ but I didn’t.

When I had my affair, yes I deceived my DH and lied and covered my back, just as you said. I hated doing it because he wasn’t a terrible man who deserved this but he had known how unhappy I was. This other man may have been an awful person to cheat with me and it probably wouldn’t have worked in real life, but he was kind and affectionate. He made me feel special and gave me confidence.

My affair ended and I told my DH. He was of course devastated, but we worked through this. I said I wouldn’t do it again (and I won’t) and he said he would try harder too (he hasn’t really). So now we’re back to square one almost, but with me now forever being a cheat!

Despite all this though, I now have confidence, I know I am loveable and attractive to someone. I have forged a good career and everyone is happier because I have other things to occupy me so I’m not moaning about the issues in my marriage. That doesn’t mean anything has been resolved though.

I totally get your post and lots of people will have been deceived and been completely in the dark about some illicit affair. Some people will have been the model wife or husband and yet still been cheated on. For some though, they will be like my DH. They will have known this was coming and have chosen to ignore it. If you don’t fertilise the grass, it dies! My DH didn’t deserve me cheating on him but equally I didn’t deserve the treatment I’ve had either. It’s not always easy to up and leave and although putting up with it is the noble and right thing to do, it’s hard when you feel so low and sad that you don’t want to exist anymore.

I realised the OM was a narcissist, managed to extricate myself.. left my unhappy marriage and then fell madly in love with the most amazing man I have ever met.

Ah, @Ruminating2020, you’re very kind, but a lot of hard lessons and reading have got me to where I am now. For a long time I didn’t want to understand, I was consumed with pain, rage and humiliation. I thought I was a worthless has-been and a total failure. Our relationship was 34 years old. His AP was not much older. I was not as empathetic then as I am now. In the beginning I wanted justice where there was none to be had. If I had exacted justice for myself, by telling everyone what he had done (I fantasised about putting a massive photo of the pair of them on huge billboards round my neighbourhood and their workplaces with a caption I won’t repeat here) the fallout for my family would have been devastating. I made a choice to remain silent until I knew the facts. Although I was devastated and could not forgive my husband or his AP, I would never have forgiven myself for the pain my children would have gone through if I had outed them to everyone. I kept my dignity and preserved my children’s well-being. In short, I pretended. I got up in the morning as if everything was fine and sorted out our children for school with a smile. He went to work and I would collapse and howl. I would be physically sick. I got through the day like a zombie then got my shit together later to cook dinner and be fine for the kids. Bed and the night could not come fast enough. I just wanted to die during those awful first days. The shock was making me ill. I had no idea, not an inkling, and felt so foolish. Didn’t trust myself any more to know anything about anyone. My loyal and much loved husband was actually a man I didn’t recognise. I got through my beloved parents’ deaths with less agony. I wasn’t understanding or empathetic at all at the start. So no, an amazing person I am not. I wanted revenge and I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me. Not a nice person. I hated the person they were turning me into, so I decided to try to understand why. From all sides. I’m an imperfect human, like anyone. I’m just prepared to leave denial behind and look at life how it actually is now, rather than the way I wanted it to be.

Don’t beat yourself up. Learn and be wiser and a person of integrity. The past is the past. We all make mistakes, we all fail at some point. I tell my children that the most important thing afterwards isn’t that we failed or made a mistake. All of us will at some point in our lives. The most important thing is what do I do next? What did I learn? How can I put things right? Do this and forgive yourself. Learn why you did it. Your spouse should not feature in the answer. Love and cherish them if you can, be honest and leave if you can’t. You sound like you have a lovely marriage. I wish you nothing but happiness together. X

I’ve been there. Very serious and a lot of awful dishonesty to my really quite wonderful dp of 30 years now. I think it was like a drug. I look back and just don’t even recognise myself or my behaviour. 10 years on I do sometimes think about it. Don’t for a second regret ending it. It was real and meaningful but a shameful period.
I went cold turkey despite neither of us wanting to at all.
I’m glad I did.
Possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Good luck op.

Mine was not married. Which possibly made it harder as I could just have left and started a new relationship - possibly less awful overall. Not sure about that though.

I’m sorry @Rgy3250999, but you are still blaming your spouse. If you raise the issues at hand to your spouse and your spouse will not engage in a discussion, or make changes to improve, you have to decide as a couple what to do next. Two choices only. Stay and keep trying, monogamously, or end it. Not easy at all, life is never that simple, but absolutely necessary. Cheating is never acceptable. Never the third choice no matter how shit the situation or how much of an obstinate idiot your spouse is. There are no excuses, no matter how recalcitrant your spouse is. After banging your head on a brick wall, after giving him an opportunity to turn things around, he did not. He did not deserve a second chance from you. You tried and he wouldn’t listen. However, despite this, he absolutely 100% did not deserve to have you cheat on him. It was never an option. You almost make it sound as if he had it coming. You took the dishonest path rather than deal with the truth. Be fair on everyone and leave your relationship if it’s unsalvageable. That way you might both find happiness.

My marriage was not perfect and neither am I. My husband chose to check out of our marriage and seek excitement elsewhere rather than discuss his feelings and give me and himself a chance to put things right. I’m
not trying to say he trashed a perfect marriage. I’m sure I could have invested more in our relationship and so could he. He trashed the absolute trust that the woman who loved him and will always love him had for him. He trashed his honour and integrity. He trashed his life. Nobody regrets it more than he does.

You will like yourself a whole lot more if you deal in truth and honesty. No excuses. It’s hard and painful but there is light and a better life at the end of the tunnel. You just have to look inside yourself for the reasons you cheated and not externally. I hope you find happiness and manage to get your life to a place where you put the ‘cheat’ label you have given yourself in your past where it belongs and be the person you want to be. Don’t let it define your future. It doesn’t have to. It refers to your behaviour, not you as a person. Your spouse has to deal with his own issues or leave. You can make better choices and you deserve to be happy. X

@parttimecarriemathison you sound in so much pain. My heart goes out to you. You are dealing with a myriad of serious issues and your affair is not serving you at all.
To me, the good news is that you are seeing this and realising that the affair operates in its own compartment or bubble. It’s not real life. It’s a fantasy and an escape. The reasons you used the AP as a drug to dull your pain have followed you into the bubble, and been compounded by your feelings for a man who has not made himself fully available to you for two years. That is a long, long time to live with uncertainty and pain, and it is no surprise that your eating disorder has been exacerbated and you need alcohol to make it all go away. Your insight does you credit. You sound as if you need some space for yourself to figure out what is going on with you. You don’t like the person you have become. Things can honestly change for the better for you. Get this man out of your life and just knowing you have done something worthy and honest should make you feel so much better about yourself. You deserve someone who can give you all of themselves. Don’t be satisfied with the crumbs of someone else’s life. You are worth more than that. You probably already know that eating disorders can be about control. It sounds like there is so little that you can control in your life at present. Your AP calls all the shots. The one thing under your control is your eating. This could be partly why your eating disorder is worsening. Take back control of your own life. Please be kind to yourself. You need help, not blame. Decide to put this behind you and not beat yourself up. Please believe that you are making a really positive step for yourself and taking back control of your life. It takes a lot of strength to get through the days in as much pain as you sound for as long as you have. You clearly have this strength and are to be admired for the huge effort you are making. This courageous person seeking to live a better life is the real you. The past is the past, leave it there where it belongs. You deserve a happy life, even if you don’t believe that yourself yet. Try to get some help and things will start to improve. Baby steps and compassion for yourself. Sending love X

There isn’t only two choices though. Things aren’t that black and white. I had got so low and felt so empty in my marriage that I couldn’t do the ‘right thing’ anymore, but to leave would have devastated everyone far more than the affair. My husband didn’t want me to cheat and still doesn’t like what I did, but if I had told him then about my two choices and said I was leaving, he would have found that far worse. My children, who are the innocent parties would have been brought into this and have been terribly upset and possibly irreparably.

Even now, my husband is quite happy with life. My children love their life. They live close to their friends, they have a lovely home, lots of opportunities for hobbies and as a result, are doing really well at school. I wasn’t happy with the lack of affection and intimacy but the boost to my confidence has helped me to cope with my marriage not being fulfilling.

In your circumstances, I can totally understand why you think the way you do, but your situation isn’t everyone’s. Your black and white view wouldn’t work for us though and even my husband wouldn’t agree that he’d rather I had left. Sometimes people try to make the best of things to get through to when the kids leave home. At that point, maybe we will split or maybe the alone time will turn things around and make things better - who knows!

@Gyh863 - honestly, he is awful 😕. He’s totally not interested in me any more but still wants us to be friends (as I’m useful to him in the hobby group) And I’m also pretty sure he’s seeing someone else (or multiple others!)at the moment.
I still don’t know why I’m totally addicted to him, but sadly, I am. If he messaged me right now, I know I would jump all over it and Id be back to fawning over him, telling myself he wants me just as much as I want him, when it couldn’t be further from the truth - it would just be boredom on his part.
The fact that we now have mutual friends is where I’m really coming unstuck with the NC. Our hobby friends think we are just friends as we live local to each other and I’m sure someone will comment soon enough that we don’t seem to be talking. I actually broke this morning and messaged him - just to say hello/have a good week etc (I know, I know!). He did reply but only to tell me how much of a wonderful weekend he had just had, which obviously made me feel even worse and really angry with myself I bothered to get in contact - stupidly because I was worried he was cross with me for not contacting him for 5 days! Jeez, I’m such a fucking idiot - I wish so much I could erase the last 2 years, I’ve never been so bloody miserable - but I just. Can’t. Stop. Wanting him 😭😭.
Sorry for the waffle, I’m aware I’m not making much sense here 😕😕

@Thewookiemustgo your sympathy is misplaced. We are both married. I’ve somehow managed to push the guilt away even though I would wake up in the early hours in cold sweat thinking about the pain it would cause. Then somehow I’d push that away and just get caught up in the treadmill of work (big senior management role) and parenting and bingeing and purging and drinking. He just seemed to be the only pockets of time where everything stopped briefly and I wasn’t expected to perform. I always looked up to him for his integrity before we crossed that line and now I just don’t know what to believe. There are definitely deep feelings on both sides but they cannot be real if they only exist in that bubble.
I have wronged everybody and been so selfish. I tell myself I’ll stop and then can’t do it but I have cut him out now. It is going to take so much to stay resolute. He cannot understand but says he will stay away from me if that’s what I ask. He’s been through trauma in the last twelve months and I also feel guilt to cause him distress by doing this now. But if not now, when. If he sought comfort at home then he might be able to heal things there. And I want that for him if that’s where long term happiness is.

I have name changed. Ten years ago I was posting on here in 'agony' having let an affair turn my life upside down. I got hammered, absolutely ripped apart, from mners when I turned to this site needing support. I'm ashamed of my behaviour and 100% no contact was the only way to get over it. I pined for six years. My relationship with DH is settled, but we're not so much married as friends. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I totally lost my peace of mind back then but have since got it back and it feels wonderful. I wish i didn't go through it. I wasted all those years with my young kids at the time. I wish I had prevented the pain as it was all such a waste. I'd do anything to go back and be able to enjoy the moments I missed with my kids, because I was so distracted. I still have feelings for him, but without putting too fine a point on it I pretend he's dead. If he had died I would have to have moved on. So that's what I do. Pretend he's dead.

@Thewookiemustgo Even so, your responses to this thread are very gracious and your reaction in the past it completely understandable. Of course you were hurt and in emotional turmoil and even though you thought of taking revenge on your husband and the OW, you didn't act on it, so you showed remarkable restraint and dignity.

You showed that you were and still are a good person, and a much better one than your dh and ow, because you thought of the consequences before acting impulsively. This is something that cheaters fail to do when they make a decision to act selfishly and I include myself in that censure.

I see you are using your experiences for good and contributing to the thread in a non judgemental way.

Thank you for your kind words. I am extremely blessed to be married to dh and will cherish and honour him more than I ever have before. I have since learnt a lot about myself and my character deficiencies that led to my behaviour which I take full responsibility for.

@Rgy3250999 I am still married. I know about grey areas, life is one big grey area sometimes. I did not want my husband to leave and devastate our children and us too, and neither did he. He hates himself for what he did and he hates what he did. It’s a huge regret for him and always will be. He learned a huge life lesson and appreciates what he has. I still love him, he loves me and always will. If he decides to cheat again instead of talking about his issues with me, then he will lose everything. He only gets one chance at this. It would be agony for everyone but I’d never trust him again.

I understand feeling low and dead inside in a relationship. But there really were only two choices at that crossroads, by your own admission. The words you choose show that you knew this. In describing your dilemma as being that you could ‘no longer do the right thing‘, it follows that the only thing that was left as a choice was the wrong one. Whilst it is only my point of view, granted, and I respect yours, the point I am making is that your husband never got a choice. You decided for him that he and the family were better off not knowing that they were being deceived and and not as appealing as your AP. That they were better off not knowing they were not enough for you. That way you and they could both be happy. Ignorance is bliss.
It isn’t. It’s dishonest.

When you find out it leaves you feeling that everything you had was fake. That you wish they had given you a choice before doing this. I understand why you did what you did, that it seemed like the best way to solve your problems at the time without causing distress to your family. You felt you couldn’t be happy any more doing the right thing. That’s the grey area for you, that doing the right thing wasn’t black and white, wasn’t that simple. No, it wasn’t that simple and never is. But it doesn’t mean you had no choice other than to do this. Nobody’s own happiness is more important than anyone else’s.

No-one is ‘better off’ being deceived. These are the justifications you gave yourself at the time and are still using to excuse yourself. But please don’t fool yourself that your ‘grey area’ was anything but excuses to enable your conscience to more comfortably take the wrong choice rather than the right one. Two choices only. The second choice isn’t to leave the marriage necessarily, it’s to address the problems in the marriage openly and honestly. Still possible in doing the right thing to avoid hurting everyone. Your husband never got a chance to put things right, because you preferred the excitement of your AP and chose to put your happiness ahead of his. Once your husband knows, the choices are his. He never got one.

My point is that whilst no, I would not have been happy if my husband had left, I was left in the dark and offered no choice in this dysfunctional set up. Given the choice, no, I would not have been happier living the lie I had no idea I was living.

Life is actually not simple precisely because of the fact that when right and wrong are concerned, the choices are hard and usually narrow. Not grey. We construct the grey areas to soften the edges of life’s hard choices and to justify doing something we know is wrong, and to convince ourselves that wrong is sometimes right. It never is.

I wish you all the best for your marriage and I can see how much your family mean to you and your desire to protect them is admirable. The best protection you can give them is to be honest about your feelings if you need to and work through them with your husband. Cheating hurts everyone involved, is never worth it and has no justification.

But I did tell my DH that he wasn’t enough for me. I may not have specifically said I was about to cheat, but he knew I was unhappy. Just as I chose to cheat, he also chose to withdraw from our relationship and leave me feeling empty. He didn’t consult with me about this or take my feelings on board.

Of course the cheater is always in the wrong, but partners sometimes there is wrong on both sides. It sounds like you were kept more in the dark about your husbands intentions than my husband was. My husband clearly new had bad things were for him to even suggest I should find someone else. Of course, it was a throw away comment (made several times) but it shows his stance, that things weren’t really going to change and I was unhappy. If I had actually gone through with that and left, everyone would have been devastated.

@parttimecarriemathison, my sympathy is not misplaced. You are not the devil incarnate. You are a human being in pain and turmoil, living a busy stressful life, and making poor choices to try to escape your pain. Your guilt and remorse shows you are actually a good person making bad mistakes. I’m not excusing you, but I’m not going to change my mind and judge you. I can hardly give my husband a second chance then come on here and attack OWs for the same behaviour. I only censure my husband’s OW because she chose to continue to pursue him with full knowledge that he had a wife and children after I found out and he wanted to end it and have nothing more to do with her. She would not respect his decision, despite knowing all along what she had got herself into and the risks attached to living a married man. She actually said she couldn’t see any reason why he still wouldn’t see her, 🤷🏼‍♀️ and cared nothing for the pain and devastation she had helped to cause. She only cared about herself. It was all about her in the end. He finally saw what was actually motivating her.

I am worried about your mental health and eating disorder. I have had mental health and eating issues many years ago and it’s a scary place to be. You need some help.

So.... If the high of your affair was such an amazing escape and so good for you, surely you would feel better than this?
Choose a better path for yourself and all involved. Once your mental health is in a good place you will be able to make whatever decisions you need to then. At present the affair seems to be clouding the issues you have and making things worse. You might feel a bit better stopping the affair and getting rid of your ongoing guilt, and learn to put it in the past. When you know you are being honest with your husband and not risking another woman’s mental health by enabling her husband to deceive her, you will start to find the person you want to be. You will miss your AP to begin with, of course, he has been meeting some of your emotional needs and you his. The bubble and distorted lens is the problem. It keeps the affair in the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship without real life butting in.
Please stop beating yourself up and make a plan of action to extricate yourself. It will give you better perspective on whether your AP is ‘real’ love, or a fantasy crutch to help ease the pain and help you avoid dealing with your mental health and relationship issues. A counsellor or trusted friend would help you enormously. You will get through this, just take one step at a time and the results will astonish you. Put this on the past. Life can honestly be better than this. I know. XX

@Rgy3250999 your husband chose to withdraw, therefore there were clearly serious issues in your marriage which needed pursuing to an honest conclusion. He was not right to avoid dealing with this and very unfair to you. Of course you deserve to be happy. Your marriage needed help. However, you were not driven to cheat, you chose to. No matter how much wrong there is on both sides, he should have clearly not withdrawn and been more loving towards you, the emptiness was no doubt horrible, but if you had told him you were actually getting involved with another man because of it, what would he have said? Would he have agreed or might it have been the kick in the arse he clearly needed? I honestly agree with you about issues on both sides, I was and am not a saint, my marriage was not as it should have been, but everything must be dealt with from inside the marriage. That was the agreement you made when you married him. His breaking the agreement to live and cherish you risks the relationship ending. It does not excuse an affair. I am not perfect but I am not to blame for my husband’s choices. Your husband, whilst clearly needing an ultimatum to either engage with the marriage or end it, as it is very unfair to keep you unhappy, is still not to blame for yours.

If you can live with your husband whilst missing your AP for the sake of the children, and that is what feels right for you, then I hope it all works out for all of you. I do think that you all deserve to be happy though. I also appreciate the respectful debate, @Rgy, it’s refreshing to find so many nice people on threads where usually a couple of posts in there’s a bloodbath! X

I do agree that it would have been nicer to sort the issues, but even after the affair, his attitudes to things is very much the same. I have avoided getting bogged down again in bringing this up with him though because it doesn’t change anything and causes friction between us that the kids pick up on. I now have a great career and some new friends which has helped to take my mind off things.

I do still think about AP on a daily basis and I do miss him and the feelings I had at that time. I’m not silly enough to think we could have made a go of it in a relationship sense though and even at the time, I recognised that things were nice because of the bubble they were in. Some people are just naturally more affectionate and caring though and I do miss that.

For now we are plodding on. I don’t want my DH to do anything through force and I think it would be like that I’d he changed. The longer this has gone on, the more my feelings have changed towards him and I’m not sure I could ever feel the way I want to with him. Of course, things may change when the kids leave home and we have more time for each other. We do get on and see eye to eye on a lot of things, so it’s not an awful marriage, as long as I can ignore the missing part. Whatever happens though, there’s no more cheating.

@HeronLanyon

I’ve been there. Very serious and a lot of awful dishonesty to my really quite wonderful dp of 30 years now. I think it was like a drug. I look back and just don’t even recognise myself or my behaviour. 10 years on I do sometimes think about it. Don’t for a second regret ending it. It was real and meaningful but a shameful period. I went cold turkey despite neither of us wanting to at all. I’m glad I did. Possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Good luck op.

This. Absolutely this. @HeronLanyon your honesty and insight is inspiring. I hope those considering ending their affairs read this, as well as those in the middle of one. You have articulated exactly how my husband feels, aside from the feelings for his AP. They evaporated. He also said that it was like a drug, but does not believe that it was ‘real’ in that he did not love her and would rather forget it than reminisce. He has no fond memories of her or the affair as it reminds him of who he became and what he did to me. The shame and guilt erased any good feelings about it. He is and was horrified at himself. His was a classic midlife crisis affair with a younger woman who took his ego (and his wallet) to eye watering levels. So glad you’re happy with your dp. We celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary this year and have been together since we were 19. We’re bruised and battered but not broken. That was a brilliant post. XX

Bloody hell thewookiemustgo I am full of admiration for you And everyone who somehow manages to get through it.
I cannot believe I imperilled my relationship. I cannot believe that somehow I got through it and so did my AP who I loved a lot and who I know loved me.
Blimey life is full on sometimes.