Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Thank you for your honesty @Dozycuntlaters and @Dadaist - You’ve confirmed my fears. I guess the answer is that there is very little to nothing I can do. Heartbreaking. I wish I could make her see/make it better.

So many posts on this topic. Can't really add anything except that it took me five years to get over an emotional affair. And even then, I still look him up, but I think it's more the rat hitting the food lever, just what I need to get my emotional dose. I think I am now completely neutral about infidelity: if you seek it, it is because you are missing something. Up to you how to address that gap: in your marriage or outside it.

The hell of it is: we can ask a lot of our partners. But sometimes, no fault of their own, they just can't, or won't, give us what we need (in the same way: we should be perfectly honest that we cannot always give them what they need). Should we then seek what we need elsewhere? Is leaving better/kinder? Or do you try to instruct your partner about what you need, knowing that they might not get it? (And knowing that you might not get what they think they need?)

I suppose what I am trying to say is: sometimes a marriage is over. Sometimes people just cannot deliver what their partners need.

@damnmeifyouwish

"Someone who has always accepted me for me including the bads bits- quite literally we know the best and worse of each other."

But you've never actually lived together have you?

"My marriage is shit. It’s going to end."

Your husband sounds like he's done many things wrong, but perhaps you can be very hard to live with at times.

"In the last week my AP and I have had a massive row. He became really unkind and dismissive over what we had emotionally."

If you actually lived with him this would happen more often. Real couples, not people who just meet fleetingly, do disagree over things.

My affair is complicated, especially now that my marriage ended when I walked out, but i have real feelings for him.

I think the way you get over it is to really focus on what the worst case scenario would be for your life and more importantly, your children's lives, if your spouse found out and it all went pear shaped.
Can you live with the probability of only seeing your children every other weekend, assuming they want to see you at all? Selling your house or having to move out because your spouse gets to stay in it with your children? The trauma of telling your children and the effect that will have on them for the rest of their lives?
I'm not condemning people who are in horrible or abusive relationships, who have found some comfort. But honestly, that's not the reality for most. Being a bit bored/getting off on the thrill of secrecy is not worth nuking your lives for.
There are a lot of self indulgent woe is me type posts and those people would do better to focus on the consequences for yourselves if you cannot behave well for other people's sakes.

I had a 4.5 year affair with a work colleague. I never dreamt I could be "the other woman" but I fell in madly in love and it made me weak.
I had never been a jealous person but as the years went by it consumed me, to the point I could not physically eat and nearly took my own life. It was when I reached this point that something snapped in me, I got another job and cut all contact. I work in the same building but in a completely different department and on completely opposite shifts.

I am not going to lie and tell you it was easy, it was one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever done in my life. For a long time everything reminded me of him and it hurt beyond words, but I strangely never missed him and would never have gone back. Last Christmas he sent a card to my house, I emailed and asked "why?" - no reply, so I emailed again telling him to leave me alone. It was quite empowering knowing I meant it.

Three years on from the affair and I do not recognise the person I was back then. I cannot believe I felt the world would end if he was not in my life, that he consumed my every thought. I saw a picture of him the other day and I just stared at it thinking "what on earth did I see in him?"

I promise you all it does get easier and you will get over it. You deserve more than being someone's bit on the side, their second choice. If they truly love you, if they truly want you - they will leave.

I've been NC for 9 weeks and have learnt through mutual friends that AP has moved in with his girlfriend now. I haven't been in contact. I am not on social media - probably a good thing.

Has anyone ever been glad about checking on an ex? I mean is it ever a good trying to see what they’re posting?

Knowing it’s the highlights not the film?

It’s the representation of their life? The filtered snippets of info.

Hi all, just wondering how everyone is doing?

Well I'm ok having learnt that my AP has now split and moved out from his new girlfriend.

I read on here that no one falls in love faster than a man with nowhere to live.

He's out of work and living with friends.

We had contact for a work thing and he told me about the breakup.

I was actually a bit worried about him but that's not my problem.

So yeah I'm OK!

I’m out of the muck but not the woods. I had a mainly emotional affair, a few passionate kisses. I loved him but it’s clear now with time and distance that he was using me.

I ended the whole shit show in December. We work in the same building, I see him everyday and he pretends I don’t exist. He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t care if he doesn’t bump into he, maybe he’s even avoiding me.
He meant so much to me and I cared so much about him, he’s never came after me, he’s never called or messaged.
On my birthday he wished me a happy birthday when I was stood infront of him at work, it was weak and I know he wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t have to stand next to him. He wouldn’t have seeked me out.
I have no idea how he feels about the situation but I know he didn’t love me. I put my whole world on the line for a shitty man who didn’t even want me.
I can accept it’s over. I can accept we will never go back there....but I can’t get over him using me for his ego, I can’t get over him letting me tell my dh that I was leaving and that I’ve met someone else, my whole world...and he didn’t even fucking love me, he didn’t want me.
I feel so much anger, frustration and fucking embarrassment that he knows all this and he just breezes about at work like I never existed. His wife doesn’t know. I fucking hate him.

Where are you ‘at’ with your DH now?

Sorry to resurrect but my affair of 6 months ended yesterday (by me), long distance, mostly online and skype but we met a few times. A few kisses and lots of talking. I'm glad it went no further but the thought of never chatting and seeing him again makes me feel ill :(

I'm sure it will get easier. Thank you for creating this thread.

Mine ended last week, I'm very sad and struggling but it had to happen, and perhaps its for the best as I can move on. But I do miss him even as I feel a bit bitter

Stay strong @Oopsiedaisyy and @messy123

It will get easier, give yourself time

Mine ended over 2 years ago and I still think about him. I can look at it rationally and see that we probably wouldn’t have worked, he wasn’t the kind of man I would have wanted as a step-dad for my kids and ultimately, I didn’t want them to have a broken home, but the way he made me feel, I miss.

Sometimes feelings aren’t black and white. He ended it with me very suddenly and it broke me. I thought he was so callous and had lied to me all along, now I realise it could have been a lightbulb moment for him that it wouldn’t ultimately work or maybe that he didn’t want to get hurt and just cut ties. It made me really sad and he wouldn’t talk to me at all so that was hard. Although all I could do was get on with it and try to salvage my marriage and put my effort into that relationship, those feelings for him didn’t just disappear. Although he might have been using me and not given me a second though since, he might have really missed me and have been going through the same pain I was. I just don’t know. So I didn’t feel the anger and it didn’t really turn me off him. It just left me feeling sad and empty for a long time.

Even now, when I hear certain songs, I wonder what he’s up to and if he’s moved on. I couldn’t have had a long term relationship with him because we were very different but he made me feel amazing and I really thought we clicked. There are lots of ‘what ifs’ still, but I’m a mum and I couldn’t break up their home to try something that probably wouldn’t have worked.

My DH is dependable, a brilliant father and 100% loyal. I felt and still feel awful that I betrayed him because I know (hand on heart) that he would never have done that to me. However, I don’t get those butterflies and there is very little passion and excitement. I know those things can wear off but sometimes they don’t. I don’t think we’ve ever really had that and it’s something that made me feel so alive. My DH and I got together very young and were very inexperienced before. He is quite happy for me to be his one and only, but I think I settled and missed out on trying things and living. He is a lovely man though and that’s why I would have been a fool to end it for this other man.

Even now, I still dream sometimes that I might bump into him (he lives 30/40 miles away) and that I might see that he still misses me and remembers what we had. The thought of him having forgotten me altogether and having used me, is still quite painful.

If only life was black and white. We want dependable but sometimes that doesn’t feel enough. Excitement on its own isn’t enough either. Those people that get both are just super lucky.

Hi All, may I please join in. I'm feeling really broken right now.

I was having an affair with a guy, who I thought was the most amazing guy in the world, thought I had found my soul mate.

Went as far as to leave my marriage.

Turns out I was played like a fool. I should have seen the red flags, but I was so in love with him.i ended things with him (again) on the weekend. Gave him what for. Called him on his lies, etc. Haven't heard from him since.

I just feel we so angry and upset at being so used. I have no right really, considering how much I have hurt my ex.

Just wanted to vent 😣

@Rgy3250999 Can I ask how your marriage is now two years down the line? Your situation sounds similar to mine (except I'm still very much in the midst of my affair) My DH is dependable, a brilliant father and 100% loyal and there is very little passion and excitement ring very true for me. Some days I think I should end my affair and work on my marriage as on paper it is too good not to try and save. But most days I know I love my AP far more than my DH and don't know whether I could ever be happy without him.

My grandparents generation would say I was incredibly selfish and very lucky to have such a good husband and father for my children. We get on, he would do absolutely anything to protect us and the kids dote on him. However, we’re like good friends. There’s a part of us that isn’t compatible and it’s not just the sex, but the romance, the chemistry, the passion and the fun. The poor sex is just the result of us being mismatched with all of the other stuff.

My DH was devastated when I had an affair and I feel terrible for betraying him. It made him feel inadequate and that really hurts me, to think I was capable of that. On the face of it, it looks like I did all of this for some exciting sex but it was more than that. I had got to a point where I felt so low in myself because of our situation, that I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn’t being the best mum I could be, I couldn’t motivate with work and I felt really sad. What I wanted was to feel wanted and desired, to be noticed, to feel like he had time for me and for us to be our age and have a flirt and some excitement. Instead, I felt old and past it.

We got together really young and neither were experienced. Despite that, I’m a really sensual person, I’m tactile and need touch and contact. My DH is very practical and the complete opposite to me. I’m quite relaxed about sex and he is really uptight and reserved.

I'm similar. I feel like it's a choice between great sex, passionate love, spark, intimacy, connection etc but more frequent arguments (AP) and security, family life, companionable love, shared history, finances, interests and few arguments but mediocre sex and low passion.

I just don't think you can get both in one man. I certainly can't because the man I want in everyday life isn't the same man I want in the bedroom. I just wish sex on the side wasn't so frowned upon.

I went no contact for a bit and felt closer to my husband. Now AP is back in contact most days. It's hard to just turn your back on the best sex of your life and a great connection. But at the same time splitting the family feels impossible.

What makes the decision so difficult for me is that AP and I never argue (but of course we don't live together full time with all the stress that brings) we have an incredibly close and intimate relationship and DH and I have literally no intimacy or sex life at all. It seems an obvious choice except that DH and I have twenty years of history and children together and although AP appears to be my soulmate, I know in my heart of hearts, he is a cheat and I will never be totally able to trust him.

Yes! Ironic isn't it. My AP is single, although he cheated in his ex wife and is now involved with me. My husband is completely honest but my AP is the type who justifies not always telling the truth.

I'm similar, I've never been so honest as with AP, it feels like I can tell him anything. I've never been able to talk to my husband about sex.

You've done well not to argue. We've struggled during lockdown, I've seen him once in 6 months. He got very insecure and jealous which caused arguments. And I find the whole situation of having an affair stressful, hate the lying and skulking around, which means I have taken it out on AP at times. I think we'd actually argue much less in a proper relationship.

Hi all. Would like to join you please 😕. This is day 5 of NC with my AP and it’s, quite frankly, shit. To be honest, it’s him that stopped contacting me, I’d usually be straight on WhatsApp after a day of NC, pussyfooting around him, trying to start a conversation etc, But something in me this time thought I’d hold off, just to see if he’d contact first - looks like I got my answer as to how interested he actually is! 😢
I’m in a similar position to @YommyMommy with the AP whose got more red flags than a red flag parade! although haven’t quite left my marriage - my DH doesn’t know, but our relationship has broken down through my complete stupidity and I think it’s just a matter of time before he calls time on us.
My AP is a complete prick. self-centred, egotistical, narcissistic, let’s me do all the running/begging to see him and make all the effort while he sits back and laps it up. I know he has seen/shagged others in the time we have been seeing each other, once going so far as to WhatsApp me to tell me he’d picked someone up in the pub (Pre-Covid) and was taking her back to his flat to shag her all night! He always uses the excuse that I’m married/he’s single so can see/shag who he likes as I’m ‘unavailable’ as a girlfriend.
Our relationship (Affair) over the last 2 years has taken a slightly more difficult turn in that we now have mutual friends through a shared hobby, those friends don’t know we are (were) seeing each other and I really don’t want to lose those friends, but appreciate that means I’m never going to be completely free of him. It also means I have to act all nicey nicey around him, otherwise people will be suspicious as to why we aren’t speaking 😕.
I could go on forever here, listing his idiot tendencies and making myself feel like shit, even more than I do already, so I’ll leave it there! I feel like I don’t want to contact him, so I’m marking that down as progress!

Best of luck, hand holds and flowers to everyone in the same boat as me 🤞🏻❤️

I have been both the OW and the cheated on wife.
I was single when I was the OW. It was the perfect relationship, I can see that now. You get all the good bits and none of the shit of a full time ‘proper’ relationship. I understand how difficult it is to end it. But you are very deluded to think that it is going anywhere.
My AP had been very unhappy in his marriage for years but was committed to staying because he was a good dad. We had an understanding from the start that our relationship was not going to be anything other than sex and companionship. He spoke about his wife’s indifference to him and I suggested that she may well be cheating on him. After 18mnths I met someone and ended it all. He, having tasted another life decided to end his marriage. A year after his divorce completed he found out that she had been having an affair for a number of years before he and I started seeing each other. He had no idea.
In my own case I spotted my DHs change in behaviour before his emotional affair got past online flirting. He has made a choice and we are working through stuff. I know he still watches her social media and it will be a long time before the ‘feelings’ subside, but my reaction to the whole episode shocked him out of his fantasy world. I know all about the power of fantasy because over the years I’ve had a few crushes which have taken me to the very edge of cheating. But my experience as the OW has stopped me.

We become very complacent about fidelity in long term relationships. I do think that affairs often start off as a way of seeing if our partner is still paying attention, and continue when it becomes apparent they are not.
Jealousy is an emotion that has a function ( on a very primitive level) to cement relationships together. And it will kick in if you still love your partner. I was surprised how strongly I felt when someone was trying to steal my DH. I do not rely on DH financially and DC are young adults. My gut reaction was to fight for him, not kick him out.
I am in a position to walk away from my DH, but I still love him and see a future with him. I have made it clear that it is entirely his choice, I am not stopping him in any way from being with his EAP.

And if a man is lying to his wife/partner he will have no problem lying to his AP. Interestingly, DH told me he was on social media with EP (not someone I know but from way back in his past) I have a number of friends I stay in touch with that DH doesn’t know so I wasn’t worried initially, it was his change in behaviour I noticed. He had definitely not been honest with her.

@09FlorenceJune he sounds awful! My AP is single but was nothing like that. He thought of me as his girlfriend and pushed for us to be committed and not see others (apart from my husband!) from early on. He should be more understanding of your position. I'd be worried about the STD situation if he's playing the field too.