Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

"his first love is money"

DON'T DO IT

Don't buy a house with him, don't marry him, don't have children with him.

The only time that you will likely have a spare £500 a month, will be when you are mortgage free, once it is paid off in full

So, 25, 30 years time if you are still working full time

@Nearlyalmost50 - wrong thread!?

I'll ask him today about getting the solicitor to protect his money instead and let you know how that goes!
Now is not the time to buy. House prices will drop and his precious deposit will be lost. Stop the process now.
When the time comes, don't buy the house he wants; buy the house you both want. You are allowed some input on this!
Do a practice living-together before you commit to something huge like house-buying.

It's not too late to draw up an agreement that ring fences his deposit, when you sell it is his then

You've been together for ten years, but never lived together? He's lived at home all that time?

I'm going to guess that he's been looked after all that time, so being a partnership in your new home already sounds like it'll take some doing. And if he sees himself as the partner who has enabled the house purchase, what else will he hold over you?

His deposit should be legally ring fenced. That is the norm, and the fair thing to do. Expecting to get it back, is not.

Had a similar situation when I was a ftb with my now husband. I had some deposit but not as much as him as he lived with parents and I was renting. There was a 10K difference. We bought the house as "tenants in common in unequal shares" and had a document drafted by our lawyer that stated that if we split and the house was sold, the first 10k went to him and the rest was split 50/50.

Difference is that I was the one who insisted on this, not him. And while he has consistently earned more than me he was happy with remaining ownership being 50/50 even though he pays more to our joint account per month.

Now we are married and in the process of our next house purchase, we will be buying as joint tenants (think that's the right term)...that original 10K is long forgotten.

How does he treat money and your relationship in general? Are you planning on having joint finances?

If you still go ahead with it, I'd suggest, since you earn more than him, that rather than sending him money every month you put that into a joint saving account for you both.

This does not sit right with you and correctly so. I do not like his further comments at all with regards to money.

He does not know what a mutually loving and emotionally respectful relationship is like and nor do you. No-one ever sadly ever bothered to show you either sadly and this relationship is not respectful of you at all.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied OP and I would seek support from the likes of the NAS for your own self. You are a vulnerable adult.

This has alarm bells all over it. As well as what previous posters have said:

What will he expect if you can't repay him?

Will you need to sell your car so you then become reliant on him for transport?
Will he expect payment in other ways, e.g. sex, rather than money?

Where is this house - is it away from your friends and family?
Are you no longer in contact with your mum because of him?

You're doubting this for very good reason. Run away fast. You are better with no man than this man.

Reading all of your updates it just doesnt sit right with me. Id never expect him to be preparing to want that money back. He contributes it to the partnership because hes in it for the long haul OR hes already not seeing it as a partnership bit an investment he wants his share back from

Not the same amount of ££ but before now DH and I bought our first property he had a bit of debt which I thought would negate our mortgagability so I cleared them off so we both start saving together
Again its not 30k but id never have expected the money back
Partnerships dont work like that

So he seems to be willing to help.
Not as bad as first sounded.
Your going to save money on rent.
Ok. I think this sounds fair
You agree to protect his money...
As a share of the house, 120k house
He gets 60k back
You get 5k back
You split anything else 50/50.
All bills for renovations are 50/50.
Then you sell to make profit in a few years.
If you save as well when you move you can put more into next deposit.
I don't think he is ripping you off.

Are you terrified of rocking the boat now?

This rather smells of you as a teenager needing an escape from abusive parents, getting away to live on your own and being glad of your bf's attention. It is common for women in that situation to realise ten years later they are walking on eggshells afraid of getting a major grump from their partner. Is that where you are?

Have you spent any time single as an adult?

Have you ever got rid of a boyfriend who you still liked but wasn't good for you?

Are you afraid to say, no, we have to buy somewhere much cheaper? No, we have to wait to see what happens in the property market. No, we have to wait until we have lived together for a year or so to see if we are compatible. No, we need to live together for a year or two to share costs so I can save a deposit.

You are at risk of paying over the odds for everything. He will enjoy spending his extra income on his business he shares with his brother. While you will have a life of work to pay him all the extras he wants but can't afford. You will be doing all the housework or being a "nag" because he's used to mummy taking care of him.

Seems like he expects everyone else to subsidise him in time, effort and money. Champagne tastes, beer money.

Are your scared of his moods?

Op dont buy a house with him it will not end well. Id walk away in alll honesty from him all together hes showing you who he is now so listen

Will you be paying the mortgage OP?

especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids

DO NOT have children with this man. You haven't yet arrived at an equal partnership. He thinks his wishes & ideas should dictate what you both do.

And you are very unprotected if you become financially dependent on him, without marriage.

Be really, really careful. He doesn't sound as though he considers you an equal, and he's putting money before the relationship.

However his first love is money and I really don't want to take his money

Let me know if this changes anything?

It makes it worse, frankly. He's a sexist, and domineering - he expects you to do what he says ...

He hasn't proposed after ten years, despite marriage being something he believes in.

You don't live together after ten years.

I think you are in denial about the state of your relationship. You are at least eight years past where you'd expect the living together and marriage to be in place.

It makes no sense at all for you to "pay him back" when he can simply own more of the house or ring fence his deposit. A couple intending to share lives don't owe debts to each other.

I'd tell him to sod off. You are not a financial institution or an investment. I paid the deposit on our first house, easily taken account of with a solicitor as others have said. What can't be easily taken account of is his attitude to money?

My feeling is that happy marriages are based on shared values. There is nothing shared about his value of money. Also, his father didn't lose half his wealth when he got divorced. He had joint assets which he had to divide, as did his wife. Terrible attitude about the value of the women involved starting right at you as an example.

I bought a house with my DH 7.5 years ago and because I'd lived with my parents for ages I'd built up quite a bit of savings. My DH at the time had nothing. I paid the full deposit but would ever have told him that I'd want paying back for it.

I think it was kind of unsaid that when we started paying the mortgage/bills we would contribute into a joint account from which all these payments would come out from. Over the years my DH has contributed approx £300 more into that account every month. He cleared his part of the deposit in about 5 years. But has continued paying more because we just accept that we are married and what's his is mine and vice versa.

I think either he buys this house on his own, and you move in paying rent until you marry. Or you pull out of the house and the relationship.

This has red flags all over it.

Op, you can’t be that young if you’ve been together 10yrs, why are you letting him call all the shots. Why, just Why? So many red flags here....

I think 10yrs and no sign of an engagement is a huge red flag in itself, without the house/money. He has no intention of marrying you or having children, he will just string you along for years and years.

House-wise, you should have as much say in what you buy as him, in terms of both house and cost. If he wants to protect his money, then do it officially via your house-buying solicitor, but I bet when you suggest it, his answer will be that he will set up an agreement himself, when he has absolutely no intention of doing so!

You’ve already told us his background in terms of his dad and brother, can you see him ever treating you fairly?

Money is his first love... There is a MN saying “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Surely you should be his first love?

I have been married 23+ yrs, 2 DC, marriage and kids always have ups and downs, and will only survive if you both on same wavelength.

We both had houses to sell when we were engaged, mine with v little equity, DHs with lots. Both went on market together, his sold and completed about 6wks before we married. He immediately insisted on clearing my mortgage, no agreements, no requesting that he was added to my deeds. Think about what that said about my DH, how trusting he was - would yours have done the same?

My house sold and completed after we married, we rented for a few months, then bought the house we still in - joint names, joint bank accounts, joint savings - everything. No talk of me “paying him back”.

I went PT after having kids, still PT now despite not needing to be, but I have added to the pot in other ways, an inheritance, endowments, share windfall - everything is joint.

And you haven't explained why you're just going along with his expensive choice of house. It would make far more sense to buy a smaller place, not overstretch yourselves, and be able to buy bigger when you need to, down the line.

You seem very passive in this and that's a huge concern.

I think you should speak to a financial advisor on your own.

My DH put over 150k down on the house we bought together.

I told him to ringfence it but he didn't bother.

This has red flags all over it. If he wants to go into business, he needs to get a business partner. You will get stuck paying for him to stay in the expensive house raising your children, that you only see a couple of days a fortnight. You should at least start a new venture thinking everything is going to be lovely! Don't do it.