Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

Op, he needs you to cover half the mortgage. Yes, he has the deposit but he couldn’t buy anywhere near as large without your income, because the mortgage company wouldn’t touch him.
You are financially useful.

I’d think long and hard. Buying a house with someone who is out for themselves rather than for you as a couple is a huge risk. You have different objectives.

If you want to go ahead, get the agreement altered to acknowledge his deposit, but think of the house as an investment rather than as a long term home. And expect to have to “deal” because he will try to take advantage.
Do not have children with this man.

OP run for the hills. This is not romance this is business. There's no together in this debacle. Don't do it

this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

From everything you've written about him, this isn't someone who's putting you at the centre of his life. You're just a bye-stander who will be a convenient source of income to help towards the mortgage.

Ask yourself why you got involved with him. Was it an opportunity for you to better yourself and escape from rented? Otherwise why would you just passively go along with the purchase of a property that you wouldn't ever have stood a chance of getting on your own....

This whole thing seems like a business transaction. If the "fairy tale" nature of this is already gone, then count yourself lucky you can look at it in the cold light of day and see it will only be downhill from here.

If you're earning more than him, that shows you have potential to build a life for yourself that doesn't need to involve this awful mercenary man who prioritises money before a life partner.

Walk away and build your life independently. It may take you longer to buy a house, but do it on your terms, not being saddled with someone who has you listed as a debtor on his spreadsheet.

I think this is just youth and inexperience on both your parts.

Run this by him. If it's ok with him, then great. If not, then consider walking.

If you split up, house deposit would be reimbursed to OH once sold AFTER his deposit has been refunded to him, proceeds of house sale would be divided 50/50.

You each won 50% share of the house AFTER he gets his full deposit back.

This is fair. If you marry, have kids etc, hopefully it will never come into it. If he wants you to pay him half of the deposit in a few years even if both of you are living in the house, it's not a good arrangement and he's not a good guy for wanting it, and you should get out of it now.

Also, I would wait if I were you for what happens to house prices in six months could be a drop equal to the deposit...

Good luck OP. Sorry the fairy tale bit is ending. But it doesn't mean the relationship has to.

*own not won...

I've been married 7 years and our finances have always been joint. In the early days I earned more then his wage rose rapidly and I only earned a small amount. Recently I am about to earn a reasonable wage and my husband has been made redundant so earning nothing. It's all swings and roundabouts and a tit for tat battle over who saved what who earned what would certainly not work for me.

When DH and I bought our house I paid all of the deposit as I had a lot more savings than him (combination of being fortunate and being careful with my money). I would never expect him to pay me back half, even if we hadn't been married at the time. We're a team, and while we still keep separate accounts as well as a joint one, each of us considers our money to be ours together.

Think very carefully about this. I think requiring you to 'pay him back' is pretty unreasonable, but perhaps you could agree to contribute a higher percentage to the mortgage/bills reflective of your higher earnings? If he wanted his money for other investments he should have been looking at less expensive houses which you could afford together.

Also, as PP said, I would be wary of someone like this who seems to be viewing this a bit like a business deal rather than part of starting a life together with you.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with him expecting you to repay him half the deposit and it sounds like you were expecting this, just not this amount? You haven’t explained why the house you’re buying is more expensive than you had anticipated. If he has refused to be limited by the debt you’re prepared to take on then it seems unreasonable to expect you to take it on anyway. If you’ve not clearly articulated your limits and comfort then you need to put the breaks on this, apologise and lay your cards on the table.

I’m concerned about a few things you’ve said

• It sounds like you haven’t lived together yet and I think it’s risky to buy your first place with someone you haven’t lived with.
• You say his first love is money. I’m hoping this is just a figure of speech for him being focused on ensuring a stable financial situation. But if you really mean that he loves money more than you, then stop the purchase and move on. He isn’t someone to make a life with.
• You have talked about having children but you don’t seem to have got on the same page financially and you’re surprised about this expectation of his. That sounds like you both(?) avoid candid conversation on some subjects. You might benefit from counselling.

In any case, unless you need to break up with him because he really does love money more than you, I think you could probably benefit from relationship counselling with an emphasis on finances. You need to have a conversation about this (and the future) and learn some tools so you can avoid this sort of situation again. And don’t be afraid to pull out of this purchase, there will be other houses to buy.

You said he loves money most.
He loves your money!

He wouldn't be able to afford this house without you.
He's had time to save up all that money because he's never been forced to actually pay his way or be an adult.

Who pays for dates, holidays, gifts?

I don't think he's the right guy tbh.

If you want marriage and children, after 10 years, I certainly wouldn't be buying a house with someone without being married first.

He has no future earning potential but has champagne taste and a cordial pocketbook. Red flags all over the place.

His first love is money. That says it all really. You will never be able to compete, you will not be an equal. In this kind of situation you will be paying the mortgage for HIS house, without the legal protection of marriage. There is no way it would be wise to marry such a man, with a penny pinching personality. I would run at the first opportunity. Good luck to you.

I think people are being a bit naive. If his DF was wiped out twice by two divorces then this attitude is probably influencing DP.

Who pays the bills in this new home? - you because you are the highest earner? So he protects his savings but you can't save anything yourself.
If he has lived at home for years this could be why he has a very simplified attitude to finances.
If you are not marrying then YOU need to check your earnings are protected and not just DP's savings. If you split in the future you might end up with large debts, Corona Virus might cause a fall in house prices. Speak to a solicitor.
This just doesn't seem a good idea right now.

You have been warned.

I’d be wondering if he saw me as a cash cow and breeding mare all rolled into one and thinking he’s really landed on his feet. Time for a very frank conversation.

run just run after you wish him well with his first love money

Oh that's sad. I've not put a penny down on mine and i def do not need to pay back. If anything happened then he would get the whole deposit back rather than me but he's it's now our money rather than individual so would be pointless me paying him back anyway

Be wary about assuming you’ll still want him to be a sahd when you actually have kids- it could change when they’re actually here. He may not want to be with them all the time and you may not want to be away from them.

Walk away while you can
My dh would give me his last penny .
Your man loves money more than you
I’ve read threads on here about women on maternity leave still expected
to pay half of everything while not working.using their savings
He sounds like he would be like this

It is NOT too late to get a deed of trust ringfencing his deposit and splitting rest 50/50 sorted!! My advice would be do this and if it turns out he’s not keen on that idea you know your only option is to get out and be relieved you found out before you went any further.

Don't buy the house with him
Listen to all this advice and escape whilst you can

My husband (then boyfriend of 5 years) put in our £25k deposit as I didn't have any savings really. We had a deed of trust drawn up by the solicitors to say if anything went pair shaped he would get his £25k back first in the sale, then the rest of the property would be 50:50 (as we paid 50:50 on the mortgage) could you do that?

Though it does t help that he wants half the deposit "paying back to him" if he wants 30k to reinvest elsewhere he either doesn't put 30k in, or he remortgaged. How are you meant to save 30k in a few years.

If you earn more than him, does this mean you'll be paying more on the mortgage month by month? If so he will be getting his money back that way surely.

Realise I may have a different opinion to others as someone who recently came out of an unmarried 10 yr relationship and feels they got shafted financially. Put quite simply, shit happens and relationships can end when you least expect them to. That is a lot of money. I would speak to solicitor. It is unreasonable to expect that money to be paid back in 4-5 yrs. But maybe you could be Tennant’s in common as opposed to join Tennant’s. Or i think you can even note what % you are. It’s difficult as if you are the higher earner you may contribute more in other ways. But I can understand where he is coming from, particularly if you say his dad lost out financially from divorces.

You have been warned

^ this. Walk away now while you still have somewhere to live, no kids and your earnings are your own.

I can see your DP is worried about money he saved. No I don't think he is wrong, but what he is asking is unfair.
So tell him you are not going to pay him back.
Tell him the money will be treated like a silent partner, work out what percentage of the house Money owns.
Then tell him Money will get that amount when you sell the house. After any bills for the sale are paid off. That way if your house went down by 30%. So would his investment of Money.
Tell him all bills for normal life will be split equally after that, and you will half any equity or bills if you sell.

I think it's fair to protect his deposit. Its a lot of money. When my husband and I first met and bought a house together, he had his deposit protected. The solicitor drew up some papers. It was all fine and made him feel secure in case we ever broke up. Now we're married with children and in our second home, its half mine. Dont worry too much.