Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

Talk to him about the ring fencing of his deposit as mentioned above.

If he says, Great! I never knew you could do that! then you could be ok.
If not, then you have a problem.

I think loving money more than me would be a deal breaker, though.
(As would being 'high maintenance', but that's my personality)

I think the sticking point for me is that he seems to want to spend much more than you do on a house, and when you're both being expected to contribute equally that won't work! Would there be a way of saying to him that if he wants "your half" then realistically you are going to have to look for somewhere cheaper? You're 100% right to be thinking about how children would impact on your ability to pay him back, I'm in this exact position with my parents who thankfully are very understanding and able to hold off me continuing to pay them back for another year.

Go with your gut OP but it does sound like he's making decisions that affect you both and just assuming you'll go along with whatever he wants. I'd be cautious of buying a house with him at this time.

So many others have given good advice on how to solve this situation however bottom line is that he does not see you as a partner.
I am another one who is coming at it from the otherside. For one reason or the other when DH and I bought a property I put down the full deposit however there is absolutely no way I would demand for him to pay his share back to me.
Yes, there are deeds of trust etc you can sign which is good advice but it does not change the sad fact that he doesnt see you as an equal and long term partner

OP I had a slightly similar situation when I first bought my home with my then boyfriend. He paid all the big deposits as he had a lot more money than me. He never asked me for the money I will say that but we did have a contract drawn up over rights of the house if we were to split- it’s 2020 we don’t live in a fairytale & people should protect themselves.
Through it forward 7 years, we are married now so those contracts no longer exist & we have a child, another on the way & my DH is the breadwinner.
It all sorts itself out is wat I’m saying, I felt a lot like u, sad it wasn’t a fairytale at first but it sensible at the time. If u can’t afford to pay him back get contracts drawn up by a solicitor. All the best

No, no, no.

He expects you to pay him £500 per month on top of your mortgage and bills, for 5 years?!

You can ask your solicitor to draft an agreement that says if you separate he get's his £60k back first, then you split the capital gain in the house. Remember though that that won't mean anything if you get married (it'll defer back to 50/50).

Aside from anything else - you've been standing on your own two feet since you were 18. He's been living the easy life with no responsibilities in the family nest. Now he expects to be able to keep the money he's hoarded while you struggle.

This has disaster written all over it op. You'd be a fool to move in with him. 10 years is a long time, but 20 years, 2 kids and an unfulfilling marriage to a mean man who has never had to look after himself is even longer.

Pull out of the purchase asap.

However his first love is money

Over you?

No no no. Don’t go it OP. Either he gets a deed of trust to protect his £60k or he can fuck off.

Pay him back £30k in 4-5 years?! That’s £625 a month!! Tell him NO. What happens if you split up when you’ve paid 3 years worth?! Absolutely do not do this.

Tell him if he doesn’t like it you’re happy to sell house straight away if the sale can’t now be stopped.

What is he like to live with?
When he stays does he pay his way?
Does he do chores?

I think this a part of this is quite normal in the circles I move in - if someone pays a larger deposit it is usually agreed that should a split happen they get the deposit back before any equity is released. Most of my friends did this when I married. The paying it back though if you are still together is weird I have never heard of that before!

Don't do it. Sounds like you two aren't on the same page at all.

Marriage and kids have been discussed and he won't have kids until he is married

So he hasn't proposed , so no children. How convenient. Ten plus years is an awfully long time to be together without even being engaged. Sorry OP, he sounds awful and you deserve far better than this. I wouldn't do it.

OP you said you expected to be buying somewhere cheaper which suggests that you maybe didn’t have as much choice in the house you’re buying as he did. Is that correct?

I guess it doesn’t matter though as i don’t think you should buy the house with him. His first love is money and he’s making unrealistic expectations on your salary. Think of it this way; he has more saved so wants you to pay him back but you’re the higher earner, so if you start paying more towards living costs/ going out etc will he also have a problem with that? Will he insist on paying you back? Or will that be ok for some reason? I’d guess he’ll be fine with that.

What @Ginfilledcats and @Blimeyoreilly2020 suggest seems most sensible.

Where does he think you are going to get 30k from in five years? If you could afford to save that much money then you would have at least have made a start on saving up.

Have you talked about the other finances? My mum had a friend whose husband would get the money from her for a lightbulb because she used that lamp to read.

He's being mean. With my fiancé and I there is no 'my money' and 'your money' - it's both of our money together, just as if we were already married.

I am for safe, well-tested vaccines. I am not for rushed or unknown ones. Vaccines aren't all safe, there are plenty of examples of vaccine damage from older gen vaccines, so I don't understand why this is a pro or anti vax situation, surely it depends on the safety and efficacy of the actual vaccine!

His 'first love' is himself. His attitude to money is just the place where it is easiest to spot right now because he is pushing so clearly over your needs to get what he wants.

I'm sorry OP, because 10 years is a long time, but I don't think he's treating you very kindly.... think very carefully before going ahead and definitely don't agree to his payback scheme.

I think it's undertstandable he would want to protect his deposit, and as many others have said this can easily be drwan up by the solicitor.

As someone who didn't do this and contributed 300% more to the deposit on my house only for my partner to cheat and leave 6 months later I can understand his concerns. Eventually in my situation things were ok and ex didn't try to do me over on that, but I'm well aware I was stupid and that legally I did not have a leg to stand on had they chosen to try to take advantage.

However, expecting a repayment plan seems pretty weird. I get the impression from your later post that he wants access to cash for property development?

This is about what you both agree is acceptable as part of your relationship. If it makes you uncomfortable, think twice.

In fact you should probably be thinking twice about concluding on your house purchase at this time anyway - values could drop and as first time buyers you are likely to be in a stronger position by waiting for a bit for the dust to settle. I would bring this up as a concern to your partner and try to stall on going through with the purchase or pull out altogether and this will give you time to reassess and think clearly how you both want to proceed.

Hmmm... Totally reasonable (imo) for him to want to protect his deposit, but expecting you to pay him back???!!!

I would strongly advise you not to buy a house before you are MARRIED (and have lived together). I know it's not very modern but it's just so risky and messy if you break up! A relative of mine bought a flat with a boyfriend - everyone thought this was it, but they broke up a couple of years later and it was horrendous!

I insisted on being married before buying a house together, and I'm very glad I did. Although I bent my own rule slightly - engaged in January, house in August, married in December.

No emotionally healthy adult relationship is like this

Please take proper heed of what the other respondents have written here. I will only add that he is extremely bad news for you and what you have also written about his dad and brother further cements that opinion. In that particular family unit money is their first love too.

His fancy idea about you paying him 30k over 5 years is ridiculous !
I estimate
£500 per month for 5 years & that is with no interest

Suggest do not agree or sign anything to do this !

I would make it clear to him, that you are buying this property as "equal partners" & that you can both add something now via a solicitor if he wants to protect his deposit in a future split

Unless you are high earners, nobody has £500 spare for 5 years !
Normal things need paying like; property maintenance, transport, pets, holidays, children, savings, private pension, things breaking, plus normal bills, furniture, wedding etc

Be careful

I would step back from the house purchase.

This is not really the moment to buy a house anyway. Prices are likely to drop due to the Covid crisis.

Also your partner has only ever lived with his parents by the sound of it. I would want to see how he coped with living independently (in terms of financial budgeting, and also in terms of housework etc) before I moved in with him.

Amazing replies this helps Thankyou!

Just an update, with the rest of the bills/mortgage ect. Everything would be equal in that way. He said, would I prefer to pay more on the mortgage to clear it that way? But then said if I put it into a separate account I can gain interest on it and it's not tied up in the bank if we fall onto hard times and rely on it. He's also spoken about how we could sell after renovation when he would get his deposit back, id get mine (I have £5k) and we would split the equity 50/50 to help me to get some savings together and out of renting which is currently double what our mortgage repayments would be (and I live in a studio flat)

We have also discussed what happens if I was made unemployed as he has money to fall back on I don't and I wouldn't be able to pay him. And he said he'd take care of it and don't worry about that.

In most cases we go Dutch (holidays/food ect) but he has taken me skiing and pays for any weekend trips we take. Or takes me out for dinner in the same way I would him.

We haven't ever lived together but this is a whole other story. Renting isn't an option as I wasn't prepared to give up my stability to 'trial' something short term with him to see if he was sure about living with me. And he wasn't happy with paying money into someone else's mortgage...

He lives with his dad and brother with no female influence, he doesn't really understand what real life and a real relationship is like (but nor do I as I bounced around foster care). But he's also responsible in the way that no one 'cares' for him so I don't think he'd expect that from me. I genuinely think this is coming from a place of protecting what's taken him 5 years to make.

But it's just not sitting right with me. I'm autistic so a lot of things like this just pass me by and I go along with it cuz most things don't seem normal imo. But I'm concerned that I might be missing something here. I'll ask him today about getting the solicitor to protect his money instead and let you know how that goes!