Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

However his first love is money

Go and find someone who’s first love is you.

Nothing and no one will ever compete with money.
He is using you to get back his deposit so he can property develop.

I don’t think he will ever marry you as that would mean that any property development business would be part of the marital assets in a divorce and as you said his dad has forewarned him.

If you genuinely think his first love is money, you have to take a step back and ask yourself why that's acceptable to you. What's gone wrong?

I honestly wouldn’t buy a house with someone with someone who wasn’t ready to combine finances.

Your update makes it worse - his sexist brother and bitter dad will have primed him to protect his assets, without ever acknowledging that women who “take half the house” etc in a divorce, only do so because a judge has decreed it a fair way to compensate for lost earnings and potential future earnings due to being the main childcare for many years.

I’m afraid I’d be wary that he’s seeing this as a way to get some financial support for his property developing rather than seeing you as a partner for life. He might not even realise this, he probably thinks he’s just being savvy and sensible, but it comes from a place of cynicism handed down from his dad.

Either his first love is you or he isn’t the one to marry and have kids with. It’s much more straightforward than you think. He’s a one not THE one.

Also him being the SAHP if you have children has alarm bells ringing.
I can see him going for full custody if you split and you will end up living in a tiny flat whilst working every hour to pay him maintenance and the mortgage on the house you don’t live in.

He will be working with his brother doing up houses and earning a fortune but because the houses will never be in his name he will be putting down he works a few hours per week for a small wage from his brother.

Friend is going through something similar (although she is the SAHP) She isn’t entitled to any maintenance as apparently her ex doesn’t earn enough to even pay tax let alone maintenance to her

The same guy who months earlier was paying out huge amounts each month purely on the children’s education

Why can't you agree for him to take an additional £30k from the sale of the house... IF, for whatever reason, you sell the house in the future?

No no no. He buys the house himself. When you get married you move in with him. He is fucking you over royally so back out now.

Still plenty of time to have a deed of trust drawn up. It will state how much money he is putting in, what is to happen to it when you sell and what %age you’ll each own.

You don’t have cash for a deposit, so why is he demanding you repay him the £30k you can’t afford? Even if it’s monthly instalments, I assume you won’t be able to afford that on top of 50% of the mortgage payments. What happens if you become pregnant before paying him back? Will you have to still repay the loan plus mortgage? How long will you be on maternity before he becomes a SAHP? Please discuss these things before you proceed.

Also, he’s lending you the £30k so your lender would need to know and may not be happy with it. He’d have to sign a declaration stating it was a gift in which case legally, it’s (probably) a gift. If it’s a loan you’ll need a formal agreement drafting (will he charge you interest?) and your lender will need to agree to it.

I think it’s a good illustration of what he thinks of you. If he doesn’t want to put in the full deposit, you have less deposit so need to look at appropriate houses to buy. If he’s more concerned about his money, is that someone you really want to be with or have children with? Is he a miser? They make for miserable dads.

His first love is money

You're the higher earner

Hmmm

Were I advising him, I would tell him to somehow secure that downpayment. You’re not married. He would get a rate of return on his money were he not putting it into a home.

You could draw up a separate agreement acknowledging his contribution (that which exceeds yours), and attach a conservative interest rate to it (between 1% and 2%) on a sale. Overall, I think that’s fair and should give him protection if your relationship falters.

I don’t think it’s fair if you are required to pay him back. If that’s the case, then buy a smaller home for which you both can contribute an equal amount of the downpayment.

Run.

For the fecken hills.

Pull out now ! From when myself and my husband have got together he's been the high earner , we've always.had a joint account from early on (we got married a year after meeting ) and we share our money completely always have, we have a budget then what's left over we have savings then spends and unless it's a big purchase then we buy what we want be doesn't get more because he earns more , he wouldn't want it that way , the house was his when we met however , it's ours now and he's always said if we did split as the children would be with me i would.keep.the house indefinitely , he puts me and the children first every time when it comes to financial discitions , that's the kind of man you want , not.one that's more.bothered about.cash than you ...

He buys the house himself. When you get married you move in with him

Could he actually afford to buy the house without Tamara9’s high earnings to secure the mortgage?

I think he is using her to secure a mortgage he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford and then using her again to secure an income to start his property development business of which I can bet Tamara9 will not see a penny.

However his first love is money

OP - this statement of yours really jumped out at me. His first love should be you!

His update made him sound substantially worse.
If his first love is money, you need to get out, now. Because he’s not excited about starting a life with you, he’s excited to start a life with your money.

I know it’s been said but if you have kids with him you will regret it. Search on here, on reddit, on anywhere and you’ll find stories of women unable to eat, have the heating on while the husband is at home, no new clothes for years, no haircuts, eating the kids scraps, no access to money, no car, having to ask for money, having to provide receipts for shopping, having to be grateful for everything because he earns the money so you can ‘sit at home all day doing nothing’ and much smaller and much bigger consequences of having children with a man like that. I know you’ve said he will be the SAHP but you will have a maternity leave and many women will tell you things often change for the worse when a baby comes along. You can’t always count on his word.
You should pull out of the house and the relationship but that’s easy for me to say and not so easy for you to do, I do understand that. I hope you can though

Listen to your words. Don't underestimate yourself gut sense in this. You would not be asking complete strangers on the intervener first their opinion unless you knew something didn't feel right.

Stop the purchase. You will never have peace of mind with this situation. You need clarity on how your future will look before you proceed.

I would never move forward with someone in such unequal terms. You will never have 50/50 relationship, he will be in a position of power over you and that is no way to begin a life together.

Can I just check something from the OP? Is he still living with his parents now? Or are you renting somewhere together at the moment?

If it’s the latter, then how is he with shared finances etc at the moment? Is he fair with rent, groceries etc? Is it 50/50 or similar?

If you are moving in together for the first time and buying a house, I’m terribly concerned for you. You really should rent for a short period at least so you can confirm his ability to share his life fairly with you and treat you respectfully.

Some of his issues stem from living at home too long. He basically not used to paying for his own accommodation and so the prospect of paying your way sounds outrageous to him. That, in addition to his dad’s influence.

That said, you need to have a really long heart to heart with this man. Marriage is about partnership and giving. He needs to be able to give of himself in every way without expecting a reward, if not you’re fuc**d!

Sounds like he makes the rules and you just follow them.

Run away from this man op.

I’d usually say it’s 50/50 if you’re in a relationship but I can see here than he wants to protect his quite large deposit if things don’t work out and I don’t blame him for that. You can have that legally drawn up. Personally once you’ve been together a while and if you have kids then I wouldn’t expect that agreement to remain.

However he seems money obsessed and possibly sexist. He doesn’t sound great to be honest so I’d advise you to run whilst you can.

Another angle on this.

He is still living at home. Personally I don't think it is wise to move in with a man who has no experience of living by themselves. He will expect you to take the place of his mother in all the jobs around the house.

He knows your circimstances, where does he think you can pull 30k from? Hes using you to get the property he wants, your feelings are secondary. This is not a man that cares enough about you.

However his first love is money and I really don't want to take his money... I just don't wanna be giving up all my disposable income to pay back a debt that to me won't mean anything in 40 years.

Let him buy the house alone if he can. Your relationship is already on the rocks.