Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

You sound incompatible. He’s a saver and values money whereas you are not otherwise during the ten years together knowing the plan you would have been saving to contribute.

He’s not wrong to protect his asset or expect an equal contribution, I’d be advising my son/daughter to protect such an asset and warn of the many pitfalls of not marrying a financial equal.

He absolutely should protect his deposit. Not that you owe him it. That is the event your break up and sell, he gets his investment back.

I would never recommend and unmarried person provides the majority of the deposit for a house without doing that

However, he doesnt sound great in other ways.

And you seem to be going along with it, because you havent had stability and are trying to hold on at any cost.

I am afriad that this will make you miserable in the long term.

Buy the house as tenants in common or if you buy as joint tenants have a deed of trust written up to protect his income. He needs to discuss with solicitor ASAP.

1. I think he's right trying to protect his money. £60k is a lot of money especially for someone with not as much earning potential.

2. I think your should ring fence his deposit so that if you split he gets his in full.

3. if the property is more expensive than you're comfortable with then tell him you want to look for somewhere cheaper.

4. I think it's a good idea to trial living together before you decide to get married and have kids.

I have been in love and not cared about money with two exes in the past and that has had serious adverse consequences for me. I will be advising my children to protect their financial interest in the future like maybe his dad is doing.

Do not do this.

He's saddling you with a debt of £30,000 that you wouldn't otherwise have - why on earth are you even contemplating this?

You didn't want to rent because you didn't want to give up your security for a 'trial', but this is lumbering you with a much worse situation.

So glad you are going to speak to him about it - but he doesn't sound like a nice man. A nice man wouldn't have come up with this plan - that works out so well for him, and less so for you.

It's also so worrying that you are buying a house together, and you have had no involvement in which house to buy - such as buying within your means. This is how a relationship with him will be - always his way. Surely you don't want that?

Definitely suggest ring fencing his deposit - I did this with my money when I bought with DH (weren't married at that point). It didn't mean I was abusive / controlling / a cockwomble / would turn into an arse.

It just meant I was being sensible about what was, at the time, a huge amount of money to me. Now, of course, it doesn't mean anything and we sold and bought since then with just him on the deeds at one point as I was newly self employed!

I would hope that this is just that he doesn't know you can do this and so his bizarre paying him back idea is the only way he can see to 'protect' his money.

Having said that, if he rejects the idea of this, then run for the hills

Hey you can PM me if you want. I bought a house with my partner and the vast majority of the deposit was from him/his parents so we had a trust deed drawn up. Happy to explain more to you. But basically, no, what he is saying is NOT normal and personally I would cancel the whole thing, including the relationship

However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

This isn't him 'protecting his deposit' or any of the excuses pp have been making on his behalf. Don't stay with this man, don't buy a house with this man, don't combine finances with this man.

I can see him wanting to protect his deposit. Otherwise you could walk out the relationship a year down the line and if house is in both names demand half the equity?

Would he be prepared to do the deed of trust thing instead? Maybe he doesn’t know about it? You need to talk to him and tell him its either this or you look at chesper houses because you can’t pay half the amount back in the next few years. Let him decide which of those options he prefers.

The question i would be asking myself is why would he want to cripple me paying back £30K over 4/5 years!

If you do want to go ahead then you must (as lot's of others have already said), get his £60K ring-fenced, so that he can get it back at a later date when you sell.

It does beg the question that in the future, you'll be the earner whilst he stays at home with your children.

Believe me, this in itself is a very difficult role for a mother as effectively you will then have two very responsible roles and high-pressured roles.

All possible of course and many people do it, but being a stay at home father will be a lot easier and he won't have to worry about money then will he - very cushty!?

DH (Then DP) brought a much bigger portion of the deposit for our house into the pot - mainly due to a significant gift from an inheritance - think me £10k and him £60k. We are both named on the Mortgage but did in such a way that our initial deposit are protected so if we split up then we both get back what put in and then the rest is spilt 50/50. (Can't remember what it's called. Pregnancy brain is brutal this time around!) We have since talked about if we moved house in the future it would just be 50/50 as now we are married with 1DD and another DC on the way so 'contributions' we both bring to the family are not just financial but are equally valued. It sounds like he doesn't see this as an equal relationship or something worth investing in. I'd see this as a real red flag

If he had moved in with you nine years ago then you, as would be normal for a relationship heading towards marriage, then you would each have saved a lovely little lump sum by now through reduced overall living costs. That's what happens normally with couples saving to buy. Why did that not happen? Why did you live with high costs while he lived with low costs? For a couple of years at the start, sure, OK, normal but for TEN YEARS! Very peculiar. Why?

You said: “ He's also spoken about how we could sell after renovation when he would get his deposit back, id get mine (I have £5k) and we would split the equity 50/50 to help me to get some savings together and out of renting”.

Is this a renovation project? I’m guessing - he’s seen a property to do up/convert/split that he’s got excited about and thinks he can make a profit on, but he can’t get the mortgage himself, and so he has decided with his brother that the only way for them to get it is for him to buy with you.

Their plan is to do it up and sell it and make enough to buy the next one without you.

They’ve sold you the idea that you’ll make enough to get your own deposit? That means he’s not looking at this as a long-term relationship and a precursor to marriage and kids. You’re just the initial funding in their business plan.

Did you even look at houses together to choose one you both liked? Or did he just tell you he’s seen a great property he could make money on?

If i’m right - beware! Think through all the pitfalls. Who pays for the work, who does the work, will you have to pay if it goes over budget, what happens if you want to split up and sell but they’ve gutted the house and it’s an unsaleable shell, what happens if they don’t finish it for years or they don’t do a good job, what if they cut corners and don’t follow building regs and you can’t sell it, what if they don’t let you move in because it’s always a work in progress or you have to live in a building site...

I can't imagine DH being in a relationship with me for ten years and for those whole ten years wanting to live with his mum and dad not me.

Where do you have sex, watch TV etc?

I think @queenoftheIceAge has hit the nail on the head here.

If this was reversed and you were putting down a huge deposit, you'd be told to have written into the contract that the deposit is protected and repayable to you in the case of breakup, and the house equity split equally. That is actually fair. Many relationships end in splitting or divorce, so only an idiot would not protect their assets.

If you married and had children then it's likely that deposit would become part of the joint assets and equally divided on divorce. So that's your remedy financially.

It is not romantic to be hardheaded about money, but if you have never lived together until this house buy then the next few months may show you are not really compatible and he (as would you) need to protect themselves financially.

But if OP has her rent halved by going into buying the property, and the DP has worked out those savings would cover her repaying him in 5 years, why is it wrong that he would like to be equal partners in house ownship by that time?
He has phrased it so badly.
I think he was just thinking she was saving on rent so he wanted repaying in one way or another , either given money up front or his share on sale...

120k house.... Sells for 200k in 5 years.
Partner 60k. 45k profit. £105K in hand
You 5k 45k profit. £50k in hand
You hopefully have £30k in the bank.
Mortgage 45k remains .
Or you repay him 30k. Over relationship
Mortgage 45k remains Profit £155k...
You get £77.5 each

Sorry if this has already come up, but OP, are you currently renting a council property? You mentioned stability, which isn’t usually associated with renting.

If so, be very very careful about giving it up. I strongly advise you not to do so in your situation.

He should be able to protect his assets- if he chooses. I would have no issue with this at all. He's probably gone about it in the wrong way and should've been honest from the outset.

If he is going to be the stay at home dad be warned:i f you get married and split up, he can get custody and may come for spousal support.

There are so many alarm bells ringing that I can't hear myself think - and I can see a great big flashing neon sign that says DON'T DO IT!!

Sounds like much the same situation we have. We keep separate finances but will often borrow from each other depending who has more liquid cash at the time.

It can work well and why anyone would want to give up financial independence is beyond either of us.

At the moment the other half put down about £40k more deposit than I did but I cover much more of the day to day costs (since we moved in I have fielded about £1300 a month in costs of work on the place) and within a few years it will all even out.

My husband paid a bit more deposit than I when we moved in together. We weren’t married but are now. We were older so no kids together. He has paid all of the mortgage and council tax and I used to pay most other things except for social and holidays. I’m now early retired and he pays pretty much everything. He has a better pension and savings but insists half of it is mine. That’s what love and trust means.
I think you deserve better and I would be very wary in your situation

How many properties have you viewed together in person ( not looking at on the internet) ?
I'm asking, because property visited in person, is completely different to viewing on the internet

Do you know your maximum budget ?

Do you know how much the mortgage will be per month, plus all bills ?

I would beware if I were u. From what you said you could
A.. Move in and spent your time paying him money each week ,unable to have children as you can't pay him whilst on maternity.
B.... Or more likely.. Move in , pay him money , get pregnant then he stays at home with the children. You then would loose the house and children to him then too as he is sahp.
I'd run now x