Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

TBH a lot about this sounds wrong. It sounds wrong that you have been together for 10 years and never lived together. Yes - there should be alarm bells ringing that he is only willing to move in with you if you commit for paying him back 50% of a deposit which is well beyond your means to pay; he's not interested in finding somewhere that suits your budget. While he's sucking you dry for the £30k which you have said you can't afford, you will also be unable to save for your own future - what happens if you split up after you have bought the house and you need to find a rental deposit? How do you get back on your own two feet if you're saddled with a debt to him?

It sounds like he has absorbed misogynistic attitudes from his father. It doesn't sound like he has been a partner to you at all in any meaningful sense. No loving partner would try to bulldoze you into taking on a financial burden that you don't want to take on. It is also very risky to buy a house with a partner who you haven't lived with before as you may find that you really don't get on that well when you're together all the time - especially since, from what you say, his idea of getting on well probably depends on you doing what he wants.

As others have said, there are legal means of protecting his interest in the deposit in the event of a split which don't involve you repaying him. But this situation goes deeper than that: it suggests that, above all, he sees you as a business partner, not a romantic partner and your post about selling the house and then sharing the profits feeds into that - he's proposing a business venture but he wants you to take on 50% of the risk. He's ignoring your reality - he wants to buy a property which is too expensive for your budget (because you have been paying your way all these years) and saddle you with a debt to him and he will get annoyed if you haven't repaid it within 4-5 years. That is not love talking. He sounds horribly selfish and uncaring. This is not a man to settle down and have children with. Can you imagine his attitude if you do have children and take mat leave at reduced pay? He sounds like he will be hanging over you, trying to get you to pay bills when you have reduced income, perhaps hounding you back to work sooner than you would choose to return.

This would all be fine if you were simply friends sharing in a business venture. But that's not your relationship. I can’t help thinking that if he was properly committed to you, you would have been living together, perhaps married years ago. You mention that you are no longer in contact with your mother and I think that has left you vulnerable because you haven't had a parent figure (assuming your father is also out of the picture) who has been questioning how you were being treated by your BF all these years.

So - be guided by your misgivings. Don't buy this house with him - at least not on these terms. I would also be inclined to say that you should move on from the relationship altogether and find someone who puts you first, not money. I think you will find it to be a different experience from what you have now.

I actually think it’s ok for his deposit to be protected in that he’d get it back if you sold the house/split

Why are you saying "actually" like you are making a controversial dissenting opinion? Almost unanimously people are saying that.

@mummy2017 yes I noted the various options whereby he gets the Op to give him back half the deposit he is invested in their shared home together. I noted they all start with ‘pay him pay pay’.

I wouldn’t accept this in my own relationship as it is supposed to be ‘what’s yours is mine’ once you get to the stage of wanting to build a future together. The only acceptable outcome to me here is that he ring fences his deposit in case they actually break up so he doesn’t lose his money.

Otherwise it’s an investment in their home and life together and she should not have to ‘pay him back’.

Did you actually read what she said.
He offered her several options

He offered her 'options' in the way you offer options to a toddler - "do you want to wear the blue trousers or the green dress?"

They're both options which benefit him alone, and not the one that's actually fairest - deed of trust to protect his stake. Add to that the house he's pre-chosen is more expensive than she wants etc.

What are you not getting.
Tamara gets NO profit out of Renting.
This way she benefits from his savings.
Why is it not grabby to say she doesn't have to pay him back. This is 60 thousand pounds we are talking about...

Tenants in common and deed of trust to protect his deposit.

Thats ehat me and my dp did. I put in £20k deposit more than him, we did deed of trust and tenants in common so if we break.up and need to sell its fair

Why is it not grabby to say she doesn't have to pay him back. This is 60 thousand pounds we are talking about...

Who is saying she somehow gains 60k cash for nowt?

Partner puts 60k down as deposit.
Legal agreement drawn up that when that house is sold, he has priority claim for the first 60k (or whatever it has increased to, as a percentage of the initial purchase); then remaining profit is split 50:50.

He doesn't lose anything. Unless of course he has other motives for wanting to cash in early, by forcing OP to pay a 30k "loan" instead of the perfectly normal deed option.

10 years and you're only just moving in together? And he says he wont have kids unmarried but hasn't proposed? Deposit issue aside, that is a lot of alarm bells for me. If you want a family and commitment, I would leave immediately - dont hang on and throw good time after bad, if you see what I mean.

It looks like he is just waiting to see what else comes along (sorry I cant think of a less brutal way to say it!)

Run while you can! I really dont think you will regret it.

I'm only repeating what everyone else has said but it's clear he is only thinking of himself.

The idea of buying a house with someone you have never lived with is insane. It doesn't matter how much time you spend together or how long you've been together, living together it different, especially with someone who has always lived with parents.

He is not being kind by offering to be a SAHP. It would mean he would be the primary carer should you split up and you would be paying him maintenance. Perhaps when you have children you will decide you do want to spend some time at home.

I know you have invested 10 years into this relationship but that doesn't mean you have to invest the rest of your life.

Personally I would pull out of the purchase completely. If you want to stay together, rent together first and then consider your options a year or so down the line.

So your telling me in 10 years he has never stayed over.
This worked for lots on here, let Tamara decide.

If in 10 years, you haven't lived together and you are not planning your wedding, I would pack up and ship out.

The 'I won't have kids until we're married' plus lack of proposal is just stalling on his part.

Where is he expecting you to magic up this £30k from?

I would pull out of the house buy and start again. Sorry. But he's just looking at your with £ signs in his eyes, not love.

You deserve better and you have plenty of time to start again.

BuzzShitbagBobbly
Yawn....

Another interesting point is that the idea of the DP protecting his deposit featured nowhere in OP's posts to start with; instead the takeaway was what it's all done to the "fairytale love"

As said there seem to be a lot of red flags about this man, but I'm not sure the deposit issue's one of them ... and as ever, I wonder what his take on things would be

This is Mumsnet at its batshit anti-men craziest. Of course he should protect his deposit but via a deed rather than the scheme he is proposing.

If this was a woman asking whether she should put £60k of her money in with no protection then they would be a universal screams of cocklodger. Even more important if he is the lower earner to protect his saved deposit.

Loads of anecdotes of other people making equally stupid reckless financial decisions which appear (for the time being) to have worked out for them is no reason to recommend that others follow suit.

He is future-faking as a sales pitch to get you onboard.

You are his protection against the market falling. That’s why he wants payments in the short-term/increased mortgage contribution for the deposit rather than just ring fencing in writing.

He’s trying to push all the risk onto you. Leaving him with spare capital should he want to invest again/cut his losses and run.

Seriously, end the relationship and find another one. It does speak volumes that you’ve both been so focussed on investing in your own lives over the course of the relationship.

Here's another option. Let him buy a house alone, or with his brother. And then pay half of the mortgage as if paying rent.
That way his deposit is his, you pay less rent than you currently do.
When you get married, half the house is yours anyway. Your (future) children and you are protected.

This is Mumsnet at its batshit anti-men craziest. Of course he should protect his deposit but via a deed rather than the scheme he is proposing.

What? Hundreds of women saying "get a deed rather than this" and then you come along and say that is "Mumsnet at its batshit anti-men craziest" and say "get a deed rather than this"?

Bit early for the gin isn't it?

He could put it in the mortgage contract. Protecting his deposit?

Jesus. My husband works. I don't. He has a 6 figure salary. I spend. He works. (To be fair I handle all the money. Including the savings!) he doesn't give two hoots what I spend it on! He wanted an asset. Which we got. Although it was HIS money that HE earns. It was our house. Joint mortgage. I look after our kids.

Walk away. Or tell him to protect his deposit if he's that worried

For you to repay back 30k. Your talking over £1000 a month!!!

Hi, could someone please clarify something for me regarding a deed of trust that has been mentioned on this post? My apologies for hijacking.
Before getting married, my then BF and I bought a home together. I put down the whole £70k deposit as he had zero savings. I had a deed of trust drawn up then we married two years later and had two kids. We have been separated almost a year now and hoping to sell the house after things go back to some sort of normality with this virus. My plan is to start divorce proceedings too. He is now the much higher earner since I’ve been raising our two kids and went back to work part time. I’m still working part time but I also run my own business. Our reason for splitting is years of unhappiness and infidelity on his part. But I’m no longer angry, very amicable in fact and just desperate to move on with my kids. He is angry though as I finally ended our marriage after 16 years. Once the house sells he is planning to move aboard. Our children are now 14 & 15. He said he wants the house split 50/50 and doesn’t care what it sells for as he’s buying outright abroad. We live in London and the kids are going through exams so I can’t afford to move in the local area so we need to go out of London. He’s massively selfish and has abusive qualities - he tried to hurt me in front our kids a few months ago. My DD thought he was going to kill me and they’ve both had to have counselling over it so as you can imagine, they’re not at all upset he’s going abroad. The police were called after the incident and he was cautioned.
My question is does the deed of trust still stand given we are married? There is nothing in the paperwork mentioning this. I’m clutching at straws now as that £70k would mean I stand a chance at starting again not too far away rather than leaving all my family and friends in London. Apologies this is so long, I’m a first tine poster :).

Shes there is a Legal Matters topic under Other Stuff. Start a thread there for some advice. There are solicitors who post there but you really need to get proper legal advice in person.

Who does the cleaning, cooking, garden maintenance and potential childcare? He would need to pay you the going rate for all these otherwise free services to make it fair. If course he is expecting you to volunteer these for free so that is win win for him.

He knows he would have to pay for a housekeeper, cleaner and childminder if he didn't get it all done for free by having a woman around. He is viewing this all as a financial arrangement conveniently forgetting to factor in all the goodwill, love and work for free which should make anything you do "in kind" especially when it comes to having children, be of equal worth to any financial contribution you would make!

The fact he doesn't value goodwill, love and thoughtful actions, support and help "in kind" is a seriously ginormous red flag that blots out the sun op!

@Shesheadingonin the marriage does away with the deed. My DP is currently dealing with this as he divorces his stbxw.

Buying a house with someone you have NEVER lived with is absolute nonsense.

You need to live together in a flat to see how it goes.

This beauty has had his mother picking up after him all his life....are you planning on doing that? All the cooking too?

You are the one who will be caught up on a morgage with a man you do not know.

None of us know someone UNTIL you live with them.

30 years ago I moved in with my darling husband when we became engaged. I loved him dearly but I knew we needed to live together before we got married.

My mother was appalled, but it was none of her business as I was a professional adult who had been independent of my parents for many years.

I wouldn't dream of committing myself financially to something that could go tits up in no time.

He could buy a much cheaper house with his money and you could pay rent to him....a much better deal for both of you.

Actually I agree with a previous poster that we may have a housing market crash. As you are cash buyers you should hold off or he may loose that deposit and then expect you to be culpable for half of it.

I haven't seen such unanimous replies to a thread in a very long time. I really don't have much to add as it's all been said upthread. You deserve better, OP.