Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

How can you all know so much from so little information.
A woman who is upset over someone wanting to protect their savings.
Greed is a terrible thing.
And most of you would say you would destroy your relationship because a man won't hand over half of his ten years savings

@mummmy2017 have you actually read the thread? Almost everyone is advising that he protects his deposit in the event of a split, and they do everything else equally. I don't see what you see?

mummy, are you even reading the same thread?

Greed is indeed a terrible thing, which is why most pp are advising the OP not to stay with this man.

OP pointed out that I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance. Rather than get the most basic of legal advice and arrange to protect his larger deposit, he instead says he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years. OP says His first love is money.

You seem to have missed OP agreeing that his legally protecting his share of the deposit would be a good idea and to have some weird belief that her partner is doing her some sort of favour that only she will benefit from, without recognising that her income is as necessary to this purchase as his mortgage. It's very odd.

And you are failing too see her outgoings will Half.
She has nothing to lose over 5 years and everything to gain.

So from a friendship angle.
A pays deposit.
They both pay equal mortgage.
Sell in 5 years return deposit and both make a profit, plus B save the same amount as they paid in mortgage over the period.
This was offered.
So take that, and see if you find marriage along the way.
Or find someone who maybe has nothing always rent, maybe never marry...
She loved him before she found out he wanted to treat her as an equal in the relationship.

Thank you. Will post under legal matters instead.

The solicitor will recommend that the 30k won't be ring fenced but whatever % that is of the house value. So if it's a purchase price of 100k and he puts down 30k, it'll be 30% of any equity. This way if the housing market crashes after they've paid half of the mortgage (fir example) and the house is only worth 50k then the bf gets his 30% back (15k due to house devaluing), plus half of any remaining equity. Which will be split 50/50 with the op.

This will also work if the house goes up in value. If it doubles, his 30k then turns into 60k and quite rightly so.

Hope op is still reading older & wiser comments from people
It doesn’t seem she’s coming back !
Hope I’m wrong, and she takes at least some of the advice given

However his first love is money and I really don't want to take his money... I just don't wanna be giving up all my disposable income to pay back a debt that to me won't mean anything in 40 years.

I spent 30 years in a relationship with a bloke who put money first (along with other abusive behaviour). Worst thing I ever did. He eventually bled me dry and I left, with the DC, with no savings. I'm back on my feet, with no help from him. Had to put in a claim to CMS, he's just not paying anything, because the DC don't want to see him (and they're old enough to decide).

OP, he knows you want marriage and DC, so he knows you're not going to be in a position to pay him back. He's picking a house outside your budget and is money driven.

OP, I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship if I were you. Despite his niceness to you, he's putting financial pressure on you, and is looking at securing his own future, not a joint future.