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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New girlfriend

318 replies

browneyedgirlclj · 05/04/2020 08:33

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 10/04/2020 20:19

Cripes this bloke has brainwashed you.
He is encouraging you to act like a sexless couple, while he has a girlfriend to see to his needs.
He lets you demand family time disrespects his girlfriend and uses you to be the bad guy. He has moved on but is encouraging you by his attitude to stay tied to family rules.
Take a big breath and finish it properly before you emotional damage your children.
You should let the girlfriend sit in the front, you sit in the back if you have to take a lift, but if there is any other way to get there for your self respect , do that.
You need to let him take the children out alone, let her go too.
If you push her too far there may be an unplanned baby , just so she can compete.

TripleSeptic · 10/04/2020 20:53

I wonder if you're taking advantage a bit, and he's letting the girlf be Bad Cop. Why not cut him some slack and see if the relationships improve? You're not in a romantic relationship with him anymore, you keep mentioning you're the mother of his children. That is all. You share space on a birth certificate and kids 50/50. It's great to be amicable, but he doesn't owe you anything. I honestly wouldn't push him into picking, by being so inflexible, because you won't win. Please don't drag the kids into this situation. Don't be THAT woman. Think about improving your confidence and self respect.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/04/2020 23:34

What the fuck have I just read .......... I'm going to say that again... What the fuck have I just read... Confused

for the first time ever.. I sympathise completely with the girlfriend..... Flowers

mummmy2017 · 11/04/2020 11:17

Can you also not see the ex by not keeping to boundaries is also to blame.
You need to be strong stop seeing him.

keeponandonandon · 11/04/2020 23:08

Why come on here for for advice yet you argue with against all advice givien? You have had so many messages trying to explain that you are being completely unreasonable but you dont see it, your responses are defensive and childish. I feel sorry for his girlfriend and your children. When you find a new partner, I am certain he won't put up with it all and I think your exes girlfriend must be an angel to put up with it as most people would run a mile as you sound utterly crazy.

ThinkPink71 · 12/04/2020 07:45

You are being ridiculous.

Family holidays...you arent a family anymore.
Ride in a separate car....it should be you going in the sep car.
His poor girlfriend...you need to let go. You sound extremely desperate.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 12:51

Family holidays...you arent a family anymore.
Ride in a separate car....it should be you going in the sep car.
His poor girlfriend...you need to let go. You sound extremely desperate

This.. with big brass bells on...

strawberry2017 · 12/04/2020 16:24

@ladymary86 how I miss softzilla, they certainly seem very alike don't they!

Soconfusedandlost · 12/04/2020 17:31

Who is softzilla and do we have any links? Sounds like an interesting one

ladymary86 · 12/04/2020 17:34

If you search softzilla you should be able to find the previous threads (Sorry I cant work out how to link on the app)

I've never come across unreasonable expectations that matched softzilla's until this thread!!!!

strawberry2017 · 12/04/2020 17:37

For not paying even though I 'invited '? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3212527-For-not-paying-even-though-I-invited

I think this was the original post and it went on for about 4 more after

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 17:39

Gosh yes Softzilla.. where did she go.. I hope here was a happy ending.. Grin

ladymary86 · 12/04/2020 17:47

That's the one.
The sense of entitlement was astonishing, although if I remember it got pretty dark for the OP and she had to stop posting?
Genuinely hope it all worked out OK for her.

MagnoliaJustice · 12/04/2020 18:03

Just to echo everyone else, you are not a family anymore. You are co-parenting the children and you shouldn't be having family holidays and stuff like that, it's crazy.

You have to let him go. How do you expect him to manage things when he and his current girlfriend start a family?

Schoolchoicesucks · 12/04/2020 18:17

OP you need to back off. If you think that your ex is a decent man, good father, deserving of a future with a good relationship then back off and let him get on with it.

It's great that you can be amicable, share special occasions like kids birthdays. Nice of him to still help out with house things occasionally. But it seems that you have this need to "prove" that YOU have some special status as mother of his kids.

You'll always have that, but someone else is his girlfriend and partner now. You say she currently gets on well with your kids. The way you are behaving risks destroying that if she ends up resenting you and by association, them.

Invest in other friendships and relationships. Work on your self-esteem. Use youtube videos to see what you are capable of fixing yourself - you might surprise yourself.

He may well go on to have other kids. That happens. You need to have enough other stuff on in your life that you can absorb that.

He sounds like a decent guy. Don't contribute to screwing up his relationship with his kids.

PuggyMum · 13/04/2020 22:19

So I've invested much of today into reading all the Softzilla threads.....

I deleted the MN app for a few years after spending way too much time reading the boards so missed this one!

Only to find the OP had to stop posting as all got too heated.

I agree the OP here is certainly displaying 'zilla' traits.

strawberry2017 · 14/04/2020 19:38

@PuggyMum you should try Titzilla next

I think my friend should pay, she thinks we should split it? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3240864-i-think-my-friend-should-pay-she-thinks-we-should-split-it

PuggyMum · 15/04/2020 01:30

@strawberry2017 I daren't look! I've got uni assignments to do!!! But will have a read next time I get to lie in the garden!

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