New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

Your ex is responsible for helping the children not you. If my ex husband came over to cut my grass, I'm certain I'd be confusing our daughter. Ex h & I co parent very well & it's based completely around our daughter. We don't get involved in each other's personal lives & DD even spent last Boxing Day with ex h & his new gf which DD loves.

I'm grateful that DD has such a wonderful step mum who I don't need contact with to know she cares & loves DD. You need to step back. You will be the reason your ex can't be in any kind of relationship. He doesn't owe you anything. He's a father. To his children. Not just yours.

I suspect your ex does these jobs for you and participates in 'family' outings with you, because he is afraid if he doesn't you will cut up rough and start playing games with contact with his children. I think he is afraid of your reaction, because you are massively unreasonable as things stands, so goodness knows what you will be like if your wishes are thwarted.

I'm not wasting time advising you to stop and move on. Someone with your current attitude is not going to listen to reason.

😂 I've never read a thread where it seems more like posters are wasting their breath replying, but I'll bite.

No partner will EVER accept this arrangement and your weird, bitter, golden uterus "I am the mother of his children nobody will ever matter as much as me" attitude. Neither of you will ever be able to have a relationship that works out with anyone other than each other. You are being wildly unreasonable in every way.

You cannot expect things to never change from an agreement made when you split up, when there was no third party and you were still fresh from being the most important thing in each others lives. How you thought things were going to be was never going to work with an actual partner on the scene who requires a basic level of respect and to not be in a three way relationship with his ex. Your "agreement" was a hang up from when you were still together and massively inappropriate if either of you were with somebody else romantically.

Insisting she travel seperately to "the family" is disturbing and controlling, a blatant, deliberate statement to segregate her as second class. Nobody with any self respect would ever be in a relationship with either of you while you are acting like this and have the expectations you have. You either need to get back together or accept that you will both be alone forever because you have no bloody boundaries and what's worse, you are not just innocently and obliviously doing those things because it hasn't occured to you they aren't appropriate, you are actually indignant and defensive about your right to do them and your need to actively set her apart as less important to him than you and your non existent "family". Put simply, you are pissing all over him to mark your territory, it's embarrassing.

I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family

This has to be THE most ridiculous thing I have read on here in a long time

I suspect your ex does these jobs for you and participates in 'family' outings with you, because he is afraid if he doesn't you will cut up rough and start playing games with contact with his children. I think he is afraid of your reaction, because you are massively unreasonable as things stands, so goodness knows what you will be like if your wishes are thwarted

This is exactly why my H was doing this for his ex wife - to try to protect the children .

Without doubt that op was a Wind up , that or totally deranged . No one could think they were going to get any positive feedback from that . If it was true I feel so bad for his girlfriend .

This can't be real. I'm not having it. If it is, you are the stuff of nightmares OP and are providing the perfect example of the stereotypical 'crazy ex'.

Please stop. You are embarrassing yourself.

OP your ex's girlfriend isnt new is she? I'd consider new like a couple of months not 18 months? How will you feel when they announce shes pregnant? Are you still going to kick off saying shes nothing and there child is nothing because they have been together for 18 months? When they get pregnant you wont be the golden uterus op , your children are is 100 % priority right now not you . You need to get over your infatuation with him op people change how they feel op and they should be allowed to rather than you spitting the dummy out and blaming everything on the big bad bully of a girlfriend. Have you ever considered that your ex initially told you what you wanted to pacify you because you appear needy and demanding? Hes got new priorities op his children and a new love so you aren't on that pedestal anymore, one day they may get married and have children. As for him striking up conversation I'd say have some self esteem and only talk with regard to the children nothing personal because men love to have women battling over them they can be pigs. I wish you all the best but I'd consider finding yourself and making the most of being children when they are at dads, find a hobby , pamper yourself.

Her behaviour isn't petty. You are being completely unreasonable.

She probably wouldn't have an issue with him helping you out doing jobs around the house and stuff but only has an issue with it because it's clear as day you still want your ex!!

I've read all the replies but I don't think anyone gets what I'm saying. I don't want him back, just feel he should keep the agreement and promises he made when we split. I can't afford to get people in and I don't have anyone to help me. His want to help me is there but he's torn as his girlfriend thinks he shouldn't be. I'd like a friendly relationship with her but can't whilst she's avoids me. But I guess I need to take on board all the replies.

What a bunny boiler!

We do get what you're saying. It's just many of us have here have been in a situation like this (where we've split up from the father of our kids) and we are saying the way you are handling it is wrong.

Firstly, absolutely it's an ideal scenario when the father has respect for the mother of his kids and likes to help out when he can, especially because it's going to benefit the kids.

But lots of fathers make promises when a relationship breaks down and then as they move on with their lives compromises need to be made on both sides. As far as I can see there's no reason to think that she would stop him from helping you out in any way EXCEPT for the fact that want to go and do things as a family and exclude her. I'm certain that she believes you want her back...or at the very least want to 'win'.

She should not have to travel separately. That's just ridiculous on your part. I've brought my ex and his girlfriend to my childrens events in my car no issue at all. That is healthy for the kids to see, because that is the reality of their family now.

Your ex has a responsibility to his children but he also has a partner who he has a responsibility to. If you had a boyfriend now then he would have an issue with you all going on holiday and staying in a family room also.

It is wonderful for kids to see parents getting on, and for them to be able to do things together if they're not together anymore, however it's not healthy if that means excluding a new partner and causing issues there. Their daddy has a girlfriend, and it's not you. They should see what healthy parenting is, how healthy co-parenting works, and also how healthy relationships work.

You should want to teach your children that if a relationship breaks down that it's possible to end it and still parent successfully with the other parent, and then both move on to new relationships and still maintain a mutual respect and hopefully everyone can get along.

Hi op
I split up from my ex (his choice) about ten years ago when the DC were vEry young.

The most he ever did was to do a few jobs if he was coming to pick the DC up if I asked him. I don't have any local support either, but I preferred not to ask him and do it myself or rope in a mate's husband .

As for family holidays/ days out etc.. I think it's best if this kind of thing stops. I really understand how hard it is to let go of the idea of the family unit and the ideal. But it's no longer real. The DC will be confused by it and I think it's best to embark on your own journey with the DC.

I know you don't want him back but what you clearly (and understandably) still want is the family unit. I speak from experience when I say I know how hard and utterly heartbreaking that is.. but it's a more healthy way forward, and will allow everyone to move forward.

My ex and I (and me with his girlfriend) have a really good relationship. We all attend the big events in the DCs lives together (sometimes GF comes , sometimes not depending on the nature of the event) and the kids see it as normal.

If she is going to be a part of his life then the sooner you can build some sort of relationship with her (however hard that May be) the better for all of you, especially the DC.

This has to be a joke. Your insane you need serious help. We FULLY get what your saying, it's YOU who's not comprehending what everyone has said.

This is sad to read really

Op - you are one strange cookie. You are the one with control issues here not the girlfriend.

How very weird that you think your ex should travel with you and kids in the car and girlfriend goes separately? Weird just plain weird.

If anyone is going to fuck up your kids I'm afraid it's your actions that will do it. Your kids need to accept you are not together. Your weird expectations will only confuse them and damage them long term.

There are plenty of ways to co parent in a healthy way - your way is not it.

What is this help that you need so badly around the house and how often is it happening?

I can count maybe twice when I was single and living alone that I had to ask someone like my dad to come over and help with something and it was for things like my boiler playing up, car breaking down. Even then though, I was young and would expect to deal with those things myself now.

However it sounds like he's coming often to help you with bits around the house and that is excessive. What do you need help with so often? You're a grown woman, you shouldn't need your ex round all the time to help you with things around the house and if you do, I can count on one hand the amount of 'big' jobs someone could possibly need help with about the house.

However the other stuff is completely crazy. The days out, holidays, girlfriend travelling alone whilst you play happy families in another car. It's weird, it's you controlling the situation, not the girlfriend. You're not one happy family anymore OP you need to realise that. He should be doing days out and holidays with his partner. He should be travelling with her to events etc...

Yes you're the mother of his children, I'm sorry but that does not give you some sort of superiority and control over his life forever more. He should respect you (but that doesn't mean giving in to every ridiculous demand you have), and facilitate your relationship with the children just as you should in return as co parents. He should not have to act like your partner for the rest of his life. Neither of you will have any sort of meaningful relationship whilst this is going on. It's ridiculous and most of all it's actually so so confusing for your children. They may love you being together but you aren't anymore and they need to be able to deal with that and come to terms with it. They will not understand if you are constantly acting like a couple.

Come on OP, separate your lives now. Let him move on with his girlfriend and stay out of it. You are coming across as the controlling one, you are the one who will confuse your children with this craziness.

Move on before you embarrass yourself further. The girlfriend has done absolutely nothing wrong here and I really hope your ex grows a spine and learns to say no to you from now on. Although you do sound like the type who'd start withholding access etc if things don't go your way, I hope not.

I'd like a friendly relationship with her but can't whilst she's avoids me

And why on earth would the poor woman want to be friendly with you whilst you are treating her so poorly? You're acting like she's a second class citizen in her own relationship.

This is not me being rude but seriously perhaps you should try and speak to someone. You seem completely unable to grasp that you are not going to be able to play happy families with your ex anymore. This will damage both of your future relationships with other people.

You’re behaving in a completely unreasonable way. He has a new relationship. Of course he needs to parent his children, but separately from you. Holidays together, travelling together in the same car, excluding his new partner. Just no. She is his new partner, she may be your children’s step mother. Get over yourself and move on. I’m not surprised his girlfriend is upset. You’re being ridiculous. Also he is helping you out of the goodness of his heart. He doesn’t have to do jobs for you. Learn how to do these things yourself and have some self respect.

@browneyedgirlclj
I understand really I do. Yes he should keep his promises, but they don’t. Mine promised me too, and we were fine really getting on. Then he met someone else and it all went to shit.
For your own sake and for the kids you need to accept that he has changed his mind. Yes he’s a liar yes he’s reneged in the deal. But you need to accept it and try to move on.
It’s hard I know , nobody understood me either, but for your sake move on.

“I don't want him back, just feel he should keep the agreement and promises he made when we split.“

But his circumstances have changed. He has a new partner. You can’t insist he stick to an agreement that’s no longer appropriate! Going on holiday with you, travelling to events ‘as a family’ while his partner travels separately - you’re nuts!
No woman is ever going to sit back and accept that bullshit. It’s NOT that you want him to stick to the agreement, it’s that you want priority over his girlfriend.
He can be a great dad without sticking to the ‘agreement’.

You have serious issue that you have to address with yourself. This is just weird. He shouldn't and doesn't have to do anything for you apart from help financially with the kids and look after them sometimes. You shouldn't be going to family events together.

Have respect for the new woman and back off before you get hurt.

Your relationship is over. If you you think otherwise I would say you need to seek help from a counsellor or doctor as this is affecting you mentally.

The agreement was only ever going to apply as long as he was single. It was never going to work with a new partner. I’m astonished that you can’t understand that.

YOU are the cuckoo in HER nest.

The travelling separately etc actually makes no sense. Your children know their dad has a girlfriend and it will just look odd to them as they grow up. Other posters are right, the children will come to resent you. They just don't fully understand what you are doing yet but, when they do, they are not going to thank you. More than that, you could lose them completely once they realise just how manipulative and controlling you were and how badly you treated their dad and his partner because, honestly, what you are doing/insisting upon is unfathomable.

And I am amazed that you can't see why his girlfriend wouldn't want a friendly relationship with you. Your starting position is so hostile - why would she want to?

What you are doing is so very wrong. Your children will be fine if you just stop all this nonsense.