New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

it’s that you want priority over his girlfriend.
He can be a great dad without sticking to the ‘agreement’

Absolutely agree. It reeks of OP just wanting the girlfriend to know that she is more important as the mother of his kids and put her in her place.

His life outside of his relationship with his children (and even that's only to a certain extent, arranging contact etc) doesn't involve you anymore OP. The sooner you accept that the better for everyone.

And no it doesn't mean his a bad father for going back on some agreement you made ages ago when neither of you were in relationships either, just that he now has healthy boundaries.

Boundaries that should have been in place long before now for the sake of your children if anyone. This whole mess must be so confusing for them. You need to untangle your lives, for them if anyone. Sometimes what they want isn't what they need. It'll do them no good seeing mum and dad acting like a couple all of the time, you aren't. They need opportunity to come to terms with that.

His agreement was clearly until you got on your feet. Or do you genuinely believe he should be your personal handyman slave for ever?

You cannot honestly believe that he agreed to be your slave when he entered a new relationship? LOGIC tells you that is not rational. You are dogmatically sticking to something he said to reassure you and turned it into a PERMANENT, for LIFE arrangement. You are twisting it, when it clearly was never meant to be for life. He clearly meant for emergencies (not every day handywork), and for his CHILDREN! Not you. The only link and thing he cares about, is the children.

NOT....YOU.

And why wouldn't his girlfriend avoid you, when you make it clear she isn't welcome in the car? When he is HER boyfriend, he is not yours. Duh.

You actually are the batshit ex.

Try and gain yourself some self respect. I'm intrigued as to what frequent jobs you need a big strong man to come and do for you that you couldn't do yourself.

Please do them, and your kids, a favour and back right off and make your own life.

I think he may well have been agreeable to helping out with household maintenance and outings as a family...but he didn’t have a partner at that time.
You have applied new clauses to the ‘agreement’ - like wanting him to continue going on holiday with you even though he is in a relationship with someone else...and all the ‘travelling as a family’ while she travels alone, madness. I’m sure none of that was agreed when you split. That’s new and it’s all yours.
Stop it.

You're not a family anymore. Yes the children you share are a part of both yours and his families, but you aren't that family unit anymore. He is not obliged to do any of the things you describe other than care and provide for his kids. Expecting to go on holidays and activities whilst leaving out his new partner who he lives with and could potentially have a new family with in future is hugely unreasonable.

I bet when they get married you will insist on sitting next to him at the top table and that she has to sit with the second cousins

I'd like a friendly relationship with her but can't whilst she's avoids me

That’s good, but that will never happen whilst you do these things.
You need to accept you are no longer a family unit.
It’s good to still get on, but you need to accept his partner and not exclude her.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking for help in an emergency, but you can’t keep asking him for everything, nor can you expect his partner to travel alone whilst you travel with him.
Of course it’s going to be hard, but you will also potentially miss out on finding someone new too as they will think you are still hung up on your ex. I hope you can sort things out.

How does it feel for you op, reading all of these replies?

Hold on, so you've just said now:

I'd like a friendly relationship with her but can't whilst she's avoids me

Despite you also saying such alienating stuff as:

I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me.

Really?!

You absolutely don't want to be friendly with her, you want her to allow you to isolate and basically bully her.

Why on earth would she even want to be friendly to someone who treated her with such contempt?

It sounds to be that at the very least you are still emotionally connected to your ex. You are reading motives behind every action, looking for signs that he may still have an interest in you romantically. I think that you may need to be more clinical with your involvement, for example if something needs doing in the house you arrange for a handyman and ask your ex for a financial contribution. I know it’s hard but you need to ween yourself off him. When he has the children, go to the gym or evening class. Invest in yourself and your sense of self worth will increase. Also lol into getting counselling- all break ups cause trauma, sometimes we’re not even aware of it. Don’t worry about his girlfriend, as long as your kids are fine, what your ex does isn’t really the concern. You need to make sure that you are strong, physically and mentally for your children. Good luck

look into counselling

You need to apologise to his partner for all the shit you've put her through while she's been with your ex. She's done nothing to deserve this.

Out of interest, OP what are jobs hat you need him for? Just to offer practical advice there are tons of Facebook groups who can off help locally - some kind folk will even do small jobs for free to help out.

I'm a single mum and I've used these in the past. I even got a few dates with a guy who came and cleared some garden rubbish for me!

I also find YouTube tutorials really helpful for DIY jobs.

I'm struggling to think of any job that I'd need to have my ex round for - what specifically does he come and do for you?

If not for yourself, your ex, or his partner then for your kids please end this nonsense. As others have said, they will be fantasising about their parents getting back together as all children do and every time they see you playing happy families they tell themselves this could happen.

This is pointless because OP believes her own hype.

Firstly YOU admit that your relationship wasn't great, probably due to YOUR behaviour.

Secondly the girlfriend isn't new, they have been in a relationship at least 18 months. This is his primary relationship. They are a couple.

Thirdly - YOU are no more then the mother of his children, he has been taught by YOU to do YOUR bidding otherwise YOU will not let him see his children.

YOU are the mother of his children and nothing else, YOU are not family, you don't do 'family things' anymore. YOU are 2 separate families, households. There are no more family trips, holidays. YOU need to find YOUR own self respect and support YOUR household and not rely/use him for YOUR own convenience.

Oh and YOU should probably seek professorial help to get YOU to understand and more on from this relationship.

You sound insane......

The health benefits exist, but they're most useful for people who actually have a health condition to begin with.

Are the negligible health benefits worth risking psychosis, depression and suicide? I'm not completely against cannabis but let's not act like this doesn't happen, I've seen it happen.

And just anecdotally, I don't know anyone who smokes cannabis for health benefits or who used medicinally. It's a social/relaxation ritual.

Op,

Imagine you were the one who ended the relationship and the children were staying with your ex. Imagine you didn’t want to be with him, but felt enormous guilt at leaving the children.

So you say whatever it takes to make it easier. “I’ll still come over a few times a week and cook tea! I’ll still clean the house for you! I’ll still come and take the children on days out! We can still go on vacation!” (I’ve chosen domestic tasks because of your clear inability to do DIY)

Now, fast forward 6 months and you’ve been going back and forth to the old house, doing your chores, seeing the kids etc when you meet a lovely guy, who you’re interested in.

This guy wants to take you out. He wants you to vacation together; but ex still wants you over there cleaning his house and making their tea.

New guy starts to feel pissed at you. You’re over there a lot and it feels like ex is taking advantage. You feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why did you promise all those ridiculous things?!

Now someone in the family is getting married. Everyone is invited to the wedding. Ex wants you to go in the car with him and the kids and expects your new partner to go up alone.

Op, you would not think this was reasonable behaviour. You would feel trapped by someone you had no intention of being with. His behaviour is not going to make you love him, it’s going to make you despise him. It’s needy and over involved and desperate.

Eventually you’d have to tell him no more. You’d have to, because you couldn’t live your life like this.

That point has come op, but you are the ex in your story.

The end of life as you know it... could be the start of something new, better, more independent and you are free to find love again. You need to move on.

I lived on my own for years and never once needed to ask a man to come and fix something. Learn how to do it yourself!

@bushhb I think that was for a different chat lol

Listen OP when you guys spilt he probably wanted and intended on keeping these promises and arrangements but neither you or him could foresee how this would work if either of you got into a new relationship.

You need to back off and not cling on to these promises etc. Plenty of parents co parent effectively without any problems.

Your kids do not need to see you play happy families this will confuse them more and give them false hope.

They need to know where the boundaries are and that can only be done if the parents do so.

Be honest with yourself about your feelings towards him, do the work around the house yourself and learn to say no to your ex.

If I was the girlfriend I wouldn't want to meet you as long as you have these ridiculous notions of how you think your life is going to be.

As the dc grow older and when you’re ex and his DP move their relationship on have dc of their own (yes you say they won’t but they may do as his partner doesn’t have children), they may get married.

You will become more and more insignificant to your ex as time goes by.

Stop trying to compete with your ex’s partner, stop using your shared children to try and guilt him to run around after you.

It will only end badly for you if you keep this up. Be friendly and nice to the new partner she’s kind to your children you owe her and your children a civil relationship with their dads partner.

Stop fixating on your ex let him travel with whom and however he wants to attend things involving his children. Stop demanding holidays together etc.

You will be the one your ex falls out with over this not his partner.

You are obsessed with having your partner at your beck and call even though you no longer want him romantically. You seem to enjoy competing with your ex’s new partner. You should stop. It’s not healthy for you or for your children to witness this behaviour.

OP the thread is unanimous, TAKE NOTICE. You are the unreasonable one, you need to step away.

In what world did you think he would still do all those things for you when he had a new partner?

I'm sorry that you're feeling left behind but it's the way the world worlds, people move on. You should try to as well.