New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

Yea they do need to accept ex partners, as the mother of the children. There's no especially if there's no children they don't need to accept you as a person. Why do you need to go on holiday together why can't he go with her and the kids? I think you're the controlling one. Will you stop him seeing the kids if he stops helping you and refusing to spend 'family' time work you. Because it will soon stop when he realises this won't be accepted by anyone and is not normal.

Accept you'll always be a part of his life - yes
Go on holiday together - no

You are being a bit weird about it OP.

I get on with my ex, we do favours for each other etc etc.
Sometimes spend time together at ds sports events etc. If it makes sense to do so we might even travel together. But never would I make the demands you are making.

Totally inappropriate imo.

Ex partners also have to accept new partners and understand that they become part of the family over time. You can’t just pretend that mummy and daddy are still a family because you’re not. You’re on the same page of the family tree but you’re not family.

I wanted to go out recently with him by myself to talk some stuff over to do with finances etc. He was fine until suddenly he said he couldn't and made an excuse. Again, I think she's told him he can't. That's controlling.

New partners should absolutely accept that their partner has children and a relationship with their children's mother. That relationship should be a positive co-parenting relationship where possible.

A positive co-parenting relationship may involve offering a helping hand, or attending family events together. It also involves a healthy dynamic with new partners.

However a positive co-parenting relationship is not playing happy nuclear families and expecting new partners to sit on the sidelines whilst mum, dad and kids play like the old days. That's very unhealthy.

You are being completely unreasonable. You can't expect to still go on family holidays etc when you aren't a family any more. I dont blame the gf for being pissed, I would be too. And besides you must be confusing the hell out of your kids. Let him go and get on with your life

You're wrong to think you'll always be part of his life. When your children are grown up and self sufficient, there will be absolutely no need for you to have contact ever. You are massively in denial and sound pretty bitter

How do you know she said no? You keep saying she needs to accept you, you need to accept her. Why can't she come on these holidays? What happens if they get married and have children?

It sounds like a very confusing situation for your children. Put the focus on them, not just what you want. YABU and you need to move on, for everyone’s sake.

He is slowly trying to separate from you OP. He is trying to end these ties and just have a normal, boundaries co-parenting relationship.

The holidays and chats and him doing jobs for you are over because it has become clear to him it isn't healthy for you two any more.

You need to accept in this case you will now have to speak on the phone or email about finances and no longer have 1:1s.

It's over OP. He is moving on.

I don't want her to come to events we go to as a family. Why should she? She's not our children's mother, just a girlfriend. They might split up and then what. My children will be confused.

OP this is completely and utterly unreasonable.

You are not together anymore but it seems as though you want to continue on behaving as though you are - this is going to cause your kids some serious hurt and confusion.

You and your ex need to work out a way discuss finances and issues regarding your children without it being you two "going out".

As for expecting his gf to travel separately when you are going places - I'm sorry but that is bat shit crazy.

I’d say your children are completely confused already. You are well on the way to causing emotional harm to them

He WANTS to help me! It's her that's got a problem with it. I still feel affection towards him. I want to give him a hug sometimes but he says it's not appropriate. To me, this was all fine before he met his girlfriend. If they split up, will he go back to being fine with it all again? It's confusing to me.

The only one confusing your children is you. You're probably making think you're getting back together which is clearly what you want. 'I don't want her to come to events' it's not all about what you want, what about what your ex wants. God you sound selfish.

You're being massively unreasonable. Learn to do your own DIY, and stop trying to control your ex.

There's a world of difference between him coming to put up some shelves in the house his kids live in and going on family holidays and trips with you.

What events would you go to as a family? Unless it's parents evening, YABU.

Your ex can very easily continue to display respect for you as the mother of his children without having to attend family events and commit to "looking after you" in any way.

If you continue to insist on behaving this way, you are going to make that VERY difficult going forward.
He has moved on with his gf and he has every right to.

Don't hug him. Leave him alone. You want the boundaries to be blurred and his partner has pointed out that that is inappropriate and unfair. You need to respect that.

Day trips, cinema, the park in the summer, events for the children's birthdays and Christmas. All perfectly reasonable imo to do together with the children. From what he's said, she's fine with the birthdays and Christmas, it's all the other things but our children love us being together.

It’s you who is confusing your kids by treating your ex like your husband.

Hopoindown31 had it in one up thread:

“You are going to have to let go here. Family holidays all together are not a reasonable expectation when you have separate households. Expecting her to travel alone while you play happy families is weird, controlling and clearly deliberately design to exert control and exclude her. Calling on ex to be your handyman is also more of the same, there is no reason you can't do any of the jobs around the house.”

Of course your children love you being all together but it's not reality of your situation. The longer you continue on this way, the harder you make it for your children.

Why can't he do these things on his own with the kids? Why do you have to be there?

She avoids me when I come to his house, never is there when we FaceTime. And I'm the one with the problem?