New DP and back handed compliments

[MoJoBangles]

I met DP a few weeks before lock down so very new relationship. He has been very complimentary from the start of the relationship (abit too much tbh), however I've noticed a change recently where he will say something mean, followed by a compliment and I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker.

Things he has said include:

"I used to find stretch marks a turn off but I find yours sexy"

"your vagina isn't the prettiest but it feels the best I've ever had"

"I know it's weird but I love your stomach" (I've had 3 DC so he knows I hate my stomach)

To be honest, the part about my vagina really upset me the most as I have always been abit paranoid about how it looks (I've never let him know this though). I feel like never letting him see it again.

When I raised the issue, he said he wants me to know his compliments are genuine and therefore he is being honest but I've never asked him to review my body parts and I would never do the same to him (and his body is far from my type). He has a hang up about the size of his penis but I would never say to him that I enjoy sex despite his small dick.

He also seems to be fishing for me to say he's the best ive had in bed but to be honest he's not, so I would never say that to him but I give positive feedback and tell him I enjoy sex with him.

Its starting to really irritate me and I'm not sure if it's a deal breaker or whether I'm being too sensitive but I'm worried I'm being negged by him.

He's really lovely in every other way and has made his feelings for me clear from the start but I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is so terrible at compliments. I've been in abusive relationships in the past which really tore down my self esteem so I have lost perspective on what is "normal".

Should I give him another chance or should this be a deal breaker?

Sorry but I think it should be a deal breaker.

That sounds like negging to me.

I'd run for the hills if he's starting this crap so early on.

Why would you waste your time on him? This is textbook "negging" - so textbook, in fact, that he seems to have read some cringy internet guide to negging women to treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

Hes basically a dim unimaginative twerp. You can do SO much better.

It’s been a few weeks and he’s already knocking your self esteem. Fuck that noise. Love, get rid.

Intolerable. Dump.

It's called negging. It's designed to make you feel shit about yourself while simultaneously grateful that he would bestow his attention on you. There's whole websites on It as a strategy for men to pull women out of there leave by making them feel insecure by disguising belittling comments as compliments.

Not a chance. He is trying to wear down your self esteem. That comment about your vag is rude and mean. Not a compliment at all.

Run for the fucking hills. And take some time to work on your self esteem before embarking on a new relationship. This man is not treating you well, at all, and it's worrying that you can't see it.

He's either deliberately "begging" you in some pathetic, bullsht psychology that he's learned somewhere to keep women keen/ off balance/not in control, or he is - as you said - appallingly incompetent at compliments. I'm not sure I believe the latter.

The fact that he feels it's necessary or appropriate to, as you put it very well yourself, "review" you shows there is something not quite right with him.

Everyone with a tap if sense, manners and decency know you give a partner compliments where appropriate and say nothing about anything that could be perceived as negative.

As you say it's particularly inappropriate given he's not exactly Adonis himself. So he's either ridiculously in self aware or s total hypocrite or ...

*their league. Ffs

*unselfaware

Ditch him.
I’ve had this and it doesn’t get better. Note that he’s picked on a body part that he knows you’re sensitive about.
He’ll leave your self esteem and confidence in shreds if you stick with him.
You’re not being too sensitive at all.

What a twat he is. Honestly get out know, who says that kind of shitty stuff? Honestly just end this.

Negging. He's a headfuck OP.

Really not worth the headspace especially with lockdown meaning you can't see each other anyway.

Not many relationships of a few weeks with survive so long apart, especially ones where one party is putting down the other's body with faux compliments laced with negativity.

Fuck him off and focus on yourself and your kids during lockdown. You'll waste so much headspace on someone like this i.e. someone just not worth it!

Nah, he's a twat and is giving you a taster of things to come. End it now and walk away with your self esteem intact.

He’s not your DP, he’s your boyfriend. Don’t give him partner status! Assuming you haven’t moved him in with you for lockdown, it should be easy to dump him.

Honestly, he makes awful comments to you under the guise of “honesty” PLUS he has a small dick and isn’t amazing in bed. Is he worth hanging onto? Really?!

Not sure about the implications of these backhanded compliments, great examples for context, by the way. The only impression I get is just how fucking weird they are, just strange things to say.

A bigger issue is him hoping for you to stroke his ego and the expectation that you don’t return this brutal honesty with mentions of his modest manhood. That’s intellectually inconsistent and these contradictory types are difficult to engage with on any kind of long term basis.

He has to go. You've not ended up in lockdown with him have you?

Oh OP this is a really bad sign - he's not a good person, please get out of this relationship as soon as you can!

Honestly, I'd dump anyone who commented on the appearance of my vagina (and also, I don't think he knows what a vagina is).

Disgusting. This will really bother you even more over time. Use the lockdown to distance yourself and get away from this guy no matter how "lovely" he seems the rest of the time

This is textbook "negging" - so textbook, in fact, that he seems to have read some cringy internet guide to negging women to treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

I agree.

It's so consistent and the way it's phrased that it's highly likely to be a begging technique from a "pua" site/book.

So he doesn't have enough intelligence or judgement (or decency) not to try to use techniques out of the silly (and often misogynist) "pick up" industry. Normal men might read some of it out of curiosity but dismiss much of it as unethical or not how they want to.cindyct themselves, looks like he hasn't.

You'd just be in for more if this nonsense if you kept seeing him.

He must be very insecure to be acting like this - which is kinda sad, but my sympathy for insecurity disappears when the person tried to demean, manipulate, control etc another person because if it.

Hills ->

Not on a million years would I see this man again

*not how they want to conduct themselve