New DP and back handed compliments

[MoJoBangles]

I met DP a few weeks before lock down so very new relationship. He has been very complimentary from the start of the relationship (abit too much tbh), however I've noticed a change recently where he will say something mean, followed by a compliment and I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker.

Things he has said include:

"I used to find stretch marks a turn off but I find yours sexy"

"your vagina isn't the prettiest but it feels the best I've ever had"

"I know it's weird but I love your stomach" (I've had 3 DC so he knows I hate my stomach)

To be honest, the part about my vagina really upset me the most as I have always been abit paranoid about how it looks (I've never let him know this though). I feel like never letting him see it again.

When I raised the issue, he said he wants me to know his compliments are genuine and therefore he is being honest but I've never asked him to review my body parts and I would never do the same to him (and his body is far from my type). He has a hang up about the size of his penis but I would never say to him that I enjoy sex despite his small dick.

He also seems to be fishing for me to say he's the best ive had in bed but to be honest he's not, so I would never say that to him but I give positive feedback and tell him I enjoy sex with him.

Its starting to really irritate me and I'm not sure if it's a deal breaker or whether I'm being too sensitive but I'm worried I'm being negged by him.

He's really lovely in every other way and has made his feelings for me clear from the start but I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is so terrible at compliments. I've been in abusive relationships in the past which really tore down my self esteem so I have lost perspective on what is "normal".

Should I give him another chance or should this be a deal breaker?

It is negging. Here's an example of what he would say if he wasn't a dickhead:
You: I don't like my tummy.
Him: I love it/I think you're beautiful/etc.

Note the difference and bin this childish moron.

Please dump him.

I think I'd give it back to him in a bloody big bucket with a comment about his small manhood, and hopefully he'll be so offended he won't come back. Job done. He is not a nice man.

It's classic, textbook negging. I think you know that.

Are you on lockdown together? Please tell me you're not!

I'd be getting rid, anyone who feels the need to use these sort of techniques is either terribly insecure or has narc tendencies, from my experiences.

Oh I and I would 100% be telling him that he's average in bed despite his small penis.

Get rid of that trash. As many others have said, he's negging you. You deserve way better.

*"I used to find stretch marks a turn off but I find yours sexy"

"your vagina isn't the prettiest but it feels the best I've ever had"

"I know it's weird but I love your stomach" (I've had 3 DC so he knows I hate my stomach)*

Oh and incidentally;

• Not many women who've had a child have no stretch marks .. and plenty who don't have kids, have them too. In fact my dp has them, presumably from growth spurts.

• Vaginas (by which we mean vulvas, since I don't think he's in there with a miners helmet and speculum) are generally not the "prettiest" things anyway, nor are penises and testicles.

I think there's been a thread about that on here.

• Stomachs are also par for the course for a significant portion of the population. Not many wash boards around outside the fitness industry. (And since he hasn't got a six pack himself, he can fk right off commenting on other people's stomachs.

(Likewise the vagina comment when he's not even got a decent sized dick)

This would be unacceptable even if he was a six packed, hung model .. if someone like that were doing it, I'd say "date someone else or stfu".

But he's just adding ludicrous hypocrisy to his nasty behaviour.

It's a really stupid idea to carry on a relationship out of fear of being alone. Surely you have friends and family you can speak to daily if you get lonely at home?

Big red flag, you should definitely cut all ties IMO!

Say, ' I don't usually like small penises... On second thought, I still don't. Goodbye.'

Who does he think he is giving unasked for opinions on your vagina and stomach 😳

Your instincts are good op. Follow through on them, don’t dismiss them.

Yuk , a nasty fucking man
I’ve been with my dh for 27 years ,not once has made a comment anything like the ones your dp has
Your vagina is not the prettiest,he can fuck right of and fuck of some more ,
Why are you accepting this crap ,he’s running you down ,he dosnt need to be making comments on your body ,
Oh this has made me feel angry on your behalf op

Bin him off right now

This is a BIG red flag. Please do not ignore it.

He is 'negging' you and it comes from a playbook from men who follow the red pill philosophy. These men are sexist and emotionally retarded.

If you want to continue then do so but knowing this type of rheteroic will ramp up.

I’d rather be alone than insulted.

This is why I love MN, you have all really cheered me up (and the suggested comeback are hilarious)

I agree, I need to dump ASAP.

The strange thing is, even my horrible abusive exH who criticised EVERYTHING about me wasn't stupid enough to criticise my genitalia.

FFS, I'm so angry I fell for this!!!

FGS where is your self esteem? How can you possibly accept someone talking to you like that? I am embarrassed on your behalf.

Get rid of him now.

If you have only known him a few weeks are you not at the dating stage rather than the 'partner' stage?

I would just block him tbh. He sounds like an absolute prick.

He's only 29 and not had many relationships so thought it was due to naivity rather than being a twat. I agree he's very insecure.

Call him out on it straight if he does it again (though I'd be more inclined to say just stop seeing him/being in contact with him).

Say "more negging eh? I know it's all over PUA (pick up artist) sites but it actually really doesn't work .. it just makes people angry, offended and think the person doing it is an insecure dickhead. How would you like it if it was being done to you?

See what he has to say to that.

Still think you'd be wasting your time though. As another poster said, he'd either deeply insecure or a narcissist or something.

You can't work with a narc and in my experience, you can't work with a deeply insecure person who tries to manipulate you due to it either.

Your perspective on what normal is remains damaged. Your boundaries already damaged by previous abusive relationships remain far too low here. This man is your latest abuser who has taken to negging you. He therefore needs to be blocked and deleted from your life as of now.

Better to be on your own too than to be so badly accompanied.

Please look at Womens' Aid's Freedom Programme and do this before embarking on any future relationships. See this as an investment in your own self worth because your current low self worth and poor boundaries makes you extremely attractive to such abusive types who will use you for their own ends.

He is 'negging' you and it comes from a playbook from men who follow the red pill philosophy. These men are sexist and emotionally retarded.

And that's why it's probably not worth even giving him a chance. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Sigh..I just knew someone would come on and say “ it’s not a vagina is a vulva” . How does that help?

OP . There’s nothing nicer than finding someone who likes you simply because you are you..no buts or if onlys. Bin him and then when all this is over go find yourself one of those.

He 'wants you to know his compliments are genuine'? Why would he even think of paying an un-genuine compliment? The fact that this even crosses his mind is a big give away.

And the rest is negging. First, draw attention to something that you feel negative about (stretch marks, stomach) and then say, in effect, 'oh, I can live with that, I'm just ignoring the bad stuff about it'.

Tosspot.

"Dp, I would say you're the best I've ever had...but I won't...because you're a wanker. See ya".

Op - you need to do lots of work on your boundaries and red flags. You are calling him partner after a few weeks. He's average in bed, needy and abusive and you're not sure if that's okay. Coming out of an abusive relationship means you must learn what you want/deserve way before you start dating otherwise it will be rinse and repeat for ever. Dump him. Use this time to read and understand what you put up with and why and emerge as a woman who wants a healthy, mature, and satisfying relationship. Good luck!!!

OP, run......fast.

And I suspect that the 'not having had many girlfriends' has driven him to seek out the PUA sites to try to work out how to 'get a girl'.

Which is where he's learned this crap.