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Original poster

New DP and back handed compliments

230 replies

MoJoBangles · 04/04/2020 08:59

I met DP a few weeks before lock down so very new relationship. He has been very complimentary from the start of the relationship (abit too much tbh), however I've noticed a change recently where he will say something mean, followed by a compliment and I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker.

Things he has said include:

"I used to find stretch marks a turn off but I find yours sexy"

"your vagina isn't the prettiest but it feels the best I've ever had"

"I know it's weird but I love your stomach" (I've had 3 DC so he knows I hate my stomach)

To be honest, the part about my vagina really upset me the most as I have always been abit paranoid about how it looks (I've never let him know this though). I feel like never letting him see it again.

When I raised the issue, he said he wants me to know his compliments are genuine and therefore he is being honest but I've never asked him to review my body parts and I would never do the same to him (and his body is far from my type). He has a hang up about the size of his penis but I would never say to him that I enjoy sex despite his small dick.

He also seems to be fishing for me to say he's the best ive had in bed but to be honest he's not, so I would never say that to him but I give positive feedback and tell him I enjoy sex with him.

Its starting to really irritate me and I'm not sure if it's a deal breaker or whether I'm being too sensitive but I'm worried I'm being negged by him.

He's really lovely in every other way and has made his feelings for me clear from the start but I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is so terrible at compliments. I've been in abusive relationships in the past which really tore down my self esteem so I have lost perspective on what is "normal".

Should I give him another chance or should this be a deal breaker?

OP posts:
Barbararara · 04/04/2020 11:11

As much as it’s fun to think up nasty come backs, I’d hold the moral high ground here.

Either he says these things because he’s naturally not very nice, or he’s trying out a technique on you because he hasn’t figured out relationships (and it’s still not very nice).

I’d dump, and I’d tell him that why.

That what he is doing is negging and whether it’s natural or manipulative it is unacceptable.

And if he wants to have a good relationship he should seek out someone he respects and loves and then respect and love her. (That’s the whole and entire secret to having and maintaining a good relationship)

Regardless of what misguided reasons he has for doing it, there’s no relationship potential with someone who sees you, not as a person with actual feelings, but as something to be manipulated.

If he has any potential to be a decent human being he might
learn from this and do better next time. But slagging him off won’t serve any purpose and anyway, you’re better than that.

AprilFloundering · 04/04/2020 11:15

He has a hang up about the size of his penis but I would never say to him that I enjoy sex despite his small dick.

Perhaps you should.

And when he reacts badly, tell him that's exactly what he's been doing to you, negging, and that you're out. Tell him you hope he treats his next partner better than he's treated you with his backhanded bullshit trying to keep you off balance.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/04/2020 11:16

It's negging. My ex used to do similar and I didn't realise it was a thing until after we separated. Things like "I love you BECAUSE of your flaws" etc. Dump and run

Musti · 04/04/2020 11:25

Woah! Yep, ditch him. Jeez

copycopypaste · 04/04/2020 11:28

I know you shouldn't but next time he does this, do it back

Him 'I find your stretch marks a real turn on'

You 'You know what bf, I was thinking something similar the other day, I used to find moons a real turn off, but I find yours oddly attractive'

'Him you're vagina'
You 'you're definitely not got the biggest cock I've ever had, but I do enjoy sex with you'

See how the fucker likes it.....

JackiFazaki · 04/04/2020 11:53

Can't see really, how he enriches your life at all. He is making you feel unattractive and grateful for his attention.
I'd get shut of him now, and tell him why. Please don't put up with this.

LargeGinOnTap · 04/04/2020 12:04

Never heard of the term negging before - every day is a school day on mn.

But that vagina comment on its own would be a dealbreaker to me.

SophieSong · 04/04/2020 12:37

Either he’s too socially incompetent to understand what crass and insulting statements they are or he knows and is trying to manipulate you. Either are dumpable offences in my book.

By the by I think he probably does know. I had a guy like this one time who added in little digs about my body but dressed up as a compliment. I casually dropped into conversation about negging a while later and how pathetic and insecure people who did it were. The comments about my body stopped.

Sunflower20 · 04/04/2020 12:38

Red flag. I’d tell him his penis is too small and bin him.

willowpatterns · 04/04/2020 13:06

I agree he's very insecure He's bolstering his own self-esteem by diminishing yours.

Nobody needs a relationship with someone like that. Chuck the slimy toad back in the pond where he belongs.

ItsABitOfAShitFightMate · 04/04/2020 13:07

Ugh, an ex was like this.

Among other gems, he said, “I love everything about you. The things I don’t like, I just ignore”

It didn’t get better. He pretty much destroyed me, and it took me a good couple of years to get over it.

triedandtestedteacher · 04/04/2020 13:07

Negging. Get rid

NoMoreDickheads · 04/04/2020 13:13

No, no, no. That is one of the things I've sworn I'll never put up with again for a man. It's a sign of general disrespect. I love your 'I love sex with you despite your small dick' analogy. Grin Relationships where the bloke made these sort of comments never lasted long, as I think it's a sign the bloke isn't particularly a fan. If a relationship where a bloke'd said these sort of comments continued, I imagine it's a red flag that other problems with them will probably come up. Please get rid of him.

soannya · 04/04/2020 13:50

Wow. Nope. It’s a big fat no. It is negging. Its crass. Immature and disrespectful. It’s borderline abusive. It’s just unattractive and you’re right to be put off by it. His aim of being honest is fine, sure but he’s taken it too far. Nobody’s interested in everything he thinks. Yes not the king of England. He obviously puts honestly above being decent. He’s not nice and if he’s like this now, you’re screwed to be quite honest because shit like this only gets worse when people like that don’t get their own way. Your vagina isn’t the prettiest? WTF? Who says crap like that!!

SandyY2K · 04/04/2020 13:54

He sounds like an absolute idiot. A total waste of time.... no half intelligent man would say those things.

There's a reason he hasn't had relationship experience....most women would drop him immediately after saying those things.

Shockers · 04/04/2020 14:06

Ugh.

Eddielzzard · 04/04/2020 14:10

What an arsehole. The point of a compliment is it's genuine and meant to make you feel good. His backhanders are meant to make you question.

Callo · 04/04/2020 14:20

"Aww. Other women don't like tiny dicks but i think yours is cute as a button"
Then dump

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 04/04/2020 14:21

I met DP a few weeks before lock down so very new relationship.

I go this far, the first sentence, and knew how the rest of it would go. NO ONE you just started dating is a 'DP'. Your comment about how you would definitely feel more lonely if you end it now is also another big red flag. You are a sitting duck for abusive arseholes like this waste of space because you need to stop dating, yes, stop it, until you do some serious work on your self-esteem and your boundaries. At present you'll put up with any excuse of a knobber just to have A Man in your life and be in a relationship. That is just all manner of waving a bunting invitation to abusive men, this type of desperation is like a red rag to a bull to such gits. Drop this dickhead. The fact that you are questioning if you need to is alarming.

Atilla is spot on. The Freedom Programme at a minimum. Learn to be happy on your own or you'll be subjecting yourself (and your children if they are still at home) to further abuse neither you nor your children deserve.

There's no excuse for this man's comments, just none. Drop him and his tiny wanger. He's a negging bunglecunt.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/04/2020 16:22

He has a hang up about the size of his penis but I would never say to him that I enjoy sex despite his small dick

He also seems to be fishing for me to say he's the best ive had in bed but to be honest he's not

I think you should give him a dose of his own style of 'honesty'.
His reaction will be interesting.....

I've had guys try to give me a compliment/make me feel better about a hangup - and you can tell when they are genuinely going about in a clumsy way and when there's a streak of something nasty hiding behind their words.
Trust your gut.

Personally, i think he's doing it deliberately, some twisted game of "she'll feel grateful/obliged", there's a whiff of manipulation/coercion here....

Buggedandconfused · 04/04/2020 16:29

Fuck nope. The vagina comment is appalling. Horrible little man. Dump.

originalusernamefail · 04/04/2020 16:35

Pffft dump and run. There are still plenty of none knob heads to have - and you deserve one. DH & I have been together almost 20 years. He's seen my body change from teenager to woman with 2 kids (biiiig changeGrin) and in all that time has never felt the need to comment on my genitals, does anyone have a 'pretty' one for that matter?

caramelbun · 04/04/2020 16:43

Agreed with everyone else. it’s a tactic he’s actually learnt somewhere, to try and be a slick player. Deliberately hurting your feelings to make you desperate for him or some bullshit.

I hope OP ghosted him

Crinkle77 · 04/04/2020 16:49

Get rid especially if he's not that good in bed.

Notredamn · 04/04/2020 17:11

Urgh, what a sad little man. 100% dump but not before a compliment, it's only fair 'I thought your dinky little willy would be a let-down, but it wasn't quite as bad as I'd feared so thank you. I'm glad we can part terms on a mutual level of respect bye'.