Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

Ah, more coals of disapproval heaped upon me by those occupying their own moral high ground. Sorry, I cannot prove to you that I am a 64-year-old female, nor that I am fairly well-travelled. Women certainly aren't treated equally all over the world, but neither are men. They aren't as numerous as female prostitutes, but I haven't seen any hand-wringing over the lives of rent-boys, foreign or home-grown. It's only in the past few decades that there has been this outcry that all humans should be of equal value. The idea is balderdash. The rich have always exploited the poor, and sex has always been a commodity for sale. That won't change, so it seems a waste of emotion to get in a strop about the lives of the faceless billions and the limited choices they have. Everyone in life is dealt different cards. Most people have heard of Picasso, but I'd reckon very few know-and much less care about the names of the prostitutes in the brothels of Barcelona that he frequented as a young man. Whatever you think of his work, does his appetite for whores make it of less cultural value? Maybe the older one gets, the colder one gets, but I'm glad I grew up in an age where it wasn't deemed necessary to display fake empathy. When I first commented on this thread, the op had said her BF had used a prostitute overseas. Not whether it was in Berlin or Bangkok. And I don't think it matters. You're either OK with the idea of sex-for-sale, or you''re not.

@grindergirl all human beings are of equal value.

I have to say, I am just glad that I don't know some one like you in real life.

Your total lack of empathy for others could classify you as being a sociopath

Grinder holds the views she does because she wasnt born a impoverished, deprived, "bottom tier" female in s third world country with no welfare system, few opportunities, and whose life was shoehorned into exploitation by sex tourists.

Very easy to be so philosophical about it when you're privileged.

Some of us don't feel we have to "display fake empathy" because we actually have fkg empathy.

It was clear she hadn't from get first post about laughingly chiding her grandson for fucking a prostitute on holiday because of the money - not the use of a prostitute or his girlfriend at home. She saw his girlfriend as irrelevant, as I said a Mon entity.

What a general horror show of an individual - blethering on about opera, and ancient temple prostitution and picasso like being a culture vulture makes up for a soul.

*non-entity

*oh FFS autocorrect - nonentity

*Not the case with your boyfriend though was it.

He wasn't facing the difficulties you mentioned, or you'd have mentioned it.

He was in a poor country where it's cheap to have sex with a prostitute and he did it because he wanted to and he could.

People are repeating comments about women being forced into prostitution by trafficking or circumstance because from the information you've provided so far it's clear that your boyfriend paid for a prostitute in a poor country like those mentioned previously.

You're being disingenuous now by repeating whataboutery re sweat shops.

If you're fine with it and "see no problem with it" you wouldn't have started a thread. You aren't fine with it and you do see a problem with it, because you know full well your partner doesn't fit into the categories you listed as being acceptable in your view for using prostitutes.*

As always, right on point.

That won't change, so it seems a waste of emotion to get in a strop about the lives of the faceless billions and the limited choices they have.

Ah if only MLK had heard this he wouldn't have made thrown such a strop about racial injustice. Oh, wait...

Referring to people you don't know as 'faceless billions' is the height of privilege. My empathy isn't fake, it's empathy.

If your attitude is 'well that's the way it is so we may as well just carry on as we were' that's your prerogative, but you're already benefiting from centuries of other people being less selfish and actually giving a shit about people's lives when it won't directly benefit them.

Women's rights activists for example. They trod the path that your privilege (and mine!) stands on. And with that privilege you choose to jokingly chastise your grandson for paying to cheat on his girlfriend with a prostitute rather than cheat on her for free.

Be grateful and humble, not cold and callous. You might even enjoy feeling something for other people.

It's also insulting to disabled people to suggest they'd be a principal '?"necessary" user of prostitutes.

Lots of disabled people form relationships just fine, lots of disabled people became disabled during a relationship or marriage and their partner didn't bugger off (because some people have morals, believe it or not).

Ask a prostitute, male or female, anywhere what percentage of theirr customer are disabled and I seriously doubt it's the majority.

So it's disengenuous (as well as insulting).to say "oh bit they need to exist for the poor disabled people!!"

It's only in the past few decades that there has been this outcry that all humans should be of equal value. The idea is balderdash.

Total fkg sociopath.

Believing that all people are of equal value has become an imposed belief, not a natural one. The powerful (and I have no power over anyone) have more advantages than the majority of us, even in a western democracy. Who can blame them for using those advantages? They would be mad not to. Nothing to do with the original subject, but the argument about equal value is crumbling before our eyes in the current pandemic. Italians of 60+ are being considered of less value than the younger generation when it comes to ventilators

That won't change, so it seems a waste of emotion to get in a strop about the lives of the faceless billions and the limited choices they have.

I'm Alright Jack-ery at its finest.

I'm glad I grew up in an age where it wasn't deemed necessary to display fake empathy.

I despair.

The rich have always exploited the poor, and sex has always been a commodity for sale. That won't change

It already had changed, you're nowhere near as smart as you think you are. So into history, yet seems to have missed every development since the industrial revolution and universal suffrage.

Maybe less of telling people to read about temple prostitution in ancient history and more of picking up a book yourself or reading online on modern history would be a good idea.

Scratch that, there's no hope for you, initially thought you were just a bonkers hippy who's done too much waccy baccy but you're much much worse than that.

I have many social advantages in that I am white, educated and could save money to travel. I'm also bisexual and live in a country where I may be judged by some for it but I'm not crucified for it and it doesn't negatively affect my day to day life.

I have had many disadvantages as I grew up in foster care, then a council estate, back into foster care (not a nice time obviously) and relatively recently had a life changing accident that has meant the closure of the successful business I worked my arse off for.

At the height of my privileges I never once considered using those social advantages to pay to fuck a young woman who I know full well is only there because of desperate circumstances and dire financial need.

Because when in a position of relative privilege, you can be aware of a social injustice and do three things really. 1. actively benefit from it, 2. remain passively neutral towards it by not engaging in it or 3. actively campaign against it.

People can have privilege and not use it to be cunts. Up to you.

I have had many disadvantages as I grew up in foster care, then a council estate, back into foster care (not a nice time obviously) and relatively recently had a life changing accident that has meant the closure of the successful business I worked my arse off for.

Sorry to hear that @BackseatCookers

OP I feel like you've opened this can of worms, both with your bf and on this post. It strikes me that you are now defending the actions of your bf, which I find strange. However, you started this thread wanting advice or an opinion on your bfs actions. I feel that the majority of contributions on this thread find your bfs actions when he was younger abhorrent for a number of reasons. However, you seem to only want to hear what you want to hear. Life doesn't work like that. Own the fact that you were pissed off but you've moved on and don't defend him, he does not know the prostitute he slept with, he does not know her reasons for working in the sex industry, therefore he could have paid for sex with a sexually liberated feminist or he could have paid for sex with a trafficked sexually coerced and abused woman. He doesn't know, you don't know and we don't know. You've forgiven his indiscretion when he was younger but a few days ago it appalled you enough to seek advice from strangers. I feel a lot of sympathy and sorrow for sex workers, as most posters here do, what we have disgust for is men who pay for sex with no thought about WHY this woman is selling her body for money.

I feel a lot of sympathy and sorrow for sex workers, as most posters here do, what we have disgust for is men who pay for sex with no thought about WHY this woman is selling her body for money.

This. Why do people assume that women who oppose the sex industry are hostile towards the women who work in it? Nothing could be further from the truth.

This. Why do people assume that women who oppose the sex industry are hostile towards the women who work in it? Nothing could be further from the truth.

100%

Baffles me that people can think otherwise!

*100%

Baffles me that people can think otherwise!*

Thirded.

If I thought a woman was truly choosing sex work entirely off her own bat, profiting entirely herself and happy in the work ... My attitude would be "fair play to you, take all sorts".

Unfortunately I believe those women are in the minority, and when it comes to third world, no welfare state, developing countries with corruption, crippling poverty and a total lack of opportunities .... they haven't got a chance. I feel v sorry for them.

I think people who use those sex workers in their country are the lowest of the low, and if they can't be sure a sex worker elsewhere is not trafficked or coerced (which is very difficult indeed to establish) they're really not much better.

It's just more misogynism that people think women who are opposed to prostitution dislike or look down on the prostitutes; it's the punters not the prostitutes.

Even if someone makes a 'free' choice to go into prostitution (unlikely to ever be a free choice in my opinion), it does nothing to change the way some men view women as a class (as various holes they can fuck) and while men still see us that way there will always be women being trafficked, raped, drugged, abused, murdered, injured, beaten by pimps etc, as part of the 'sex industry'.

When men are willing (or keen even) to pay (coerce) women into sexual acts then there will always be a market for it.

As for disabled people who have 'never felt a woman's touch' - how nauseating, pass the sick bucket. Don't patronise disabled people, as other posters have said, they are also able to form relationships the natural way. Plus nobody deserves sex, not disabled people, not anyone.

I would dump him, obviously. I would never date someone who had been with a prostitute or thought it was acceptable.

Mine said the same. And then it turned out he has a raging sex addiction and went to 20+ in first marriage and 2 that I know of with me. Run. If they pay for sex, that attitude to sex doesn't go away.

I think the fact OP has gone off the thread speaks volumes. Asks a question, gets an answer she doesn't like. Defends boyfriends choice of paying for sex, when it was an issue and she was considering ending the relationship at the start of the post. OP seems unconcerned about how the sex worker may have felt and what she may have gone through and has turned it around and said everyone else has a problem with sex workers. OP is concerned about her bfs morals or lack of, yet will stay with him and compromise her morals (or lack of) to stay with him... Entirely her perogative, but for future - just don't ask, if you don't want to hear

Why do people assume that women who oppose the sex industry are hostile towards the women who work in it?

Probably because of comments suggesting that everything they do is rape (therefore implying that they can’t also be raped while working) and more so because of the comments earlier in the thread which basically said ‘eugh, imagine how many men they would have slept with though’.

Not saying that’s how those comments were intended or that the people making them are hostile towards sex workers, but it can come across like that.

@avonbarksdale I hate women that accuse other women of slut shaming.

It was me who made that point

No where did I say

"A prostitute is a slut because she has slept with alot of men"

I said that " i would be concerned for my sexual health, because if I have sex with a man who was with a prostitute, I am also having sex with hundreds of men, who likely pushed her into having sex without a condom".

And I can vouch for this. I was pushed into having unprotected sex with a man, who I found out later had been with a prostitute, and I caught a terrible STI off him. I was in pain, inflamed and itching for about five weeks.

It really fucking annoys me when women jump on others for slut shaming, when it is not at all what I said.

That I and anyone else would want to protect our physical health, is our right.