Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

Last post was to @grindergirl who I suspect is really grinderboy.

Dont know why were even wasting our time typing replies to someone who's so clearly a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

If having sex with a prostitute is rape, it wouldn’t make any difference if during she asked the man to stop and he carried on - as according to some on here it’s rape anyway?

I think the moto to this is if you won’t like the answer to the question don’t ask the question.

My husband and I played a drunk game of have you ever ... I was very shocked to some of his answers .

Thank you all for your replies. There has been some interesting debate.

I guess from reading this thread I realise I don’t share the belief that all prostitution is rape and abuse and all prostitutes were forced to do it. If I ever had a daughter who chose to become a prostitute, I’d not be thrilled but at the end of the day it’s her body, her choice.

I’m not going to debate human trafficking. Many of us have done things without thinking of the consequences and what it meant. I did not think about how much it’d hurt my ex when I cheated 10 years ago. All I could think of was as long as he didn’t find out, then I could protect his feeling and break up with him before he found out. And he did find out and it was the worst thing I ever did to someone. It haunted me. I’m glad I learned that when I was much younger not now.

The reason I posted here was that I like to give people a chance, who did bad things but not in a malicious way and never thought about doing ever again. At the same time it did bother me a lot but I guess that’s on me to deal with emotionally if he can prove that he’s not that guy anymore and it was a one time mistake. I however would not think about all of these if he did it more than once.

Sex has always been a commodity in a way. I have families in Asia and a lot of women willingly sell sex for money but more indirectly. “Feminism” manifested in the east in a strange way. It’s not uncommon for families to marry off their daughters to rich families and many of these women actually are happy with these engagements (some of my close friends).

Another reason I hate to think of prostitution as rape and assault is these women are already looked down on by society. A lot of hatred towards prostitutes and escorts. If we stop for a moment and think some of these women actually made a choice to become prostitutes and they need a safe and more respectful environment for them to carry their work.

All in all, I believe there are different sides to the argument. For the guy who sent his disabled kid to the prostitutes? I don’t know. Is it better for the kid to remain lonely and sad forever, never having felt a woman’s touch? Let’s face it, what are their chances of meeting regular women in real life? We are all commenting here as regular women who possibly have no problem getting sex and guys’ attention, who are we to judge these people? Yes there are vile and disgusting guys who use prostitutes regularly but I’d hate to judge them like that without knowing them.

I’ve made my mental notes of my bf and see if he is indeed those people. I have no reason to think he is so far. Not even one bit. But I’m watching him. If anything comes up that will tell me otherwise, I’m leaving him straight away. I never had problem walking way from a relationship because of existing issues. But if it’s a past mistake, I’d be willing to give him the benefits of the doubt.

Thanks everyone for commenting again!

You didn't address my point below, after calling people hypocrites for buying things that were likely manufactured in sweatshops in poor countries while being repulsed by someone paying to have sex with women in poor countries, saying the two things are equal and directly comparable...

You haven't split up with your boyfriend (presumably) for buying things manufactured in poor countries. You haven't made a thread about that.

So clearly you do make a distinction yourself between that and prostitution. So accusing others of being hypocrites is hypocritical in itself.

You made a thread and people have responded. You've used whataboutery to call people hypocrites while by the standard you've applied being one yourself.

Either prostitution in poor countries and sweat shops in poor countries are equal and comparable, in which case judge both equally and question a man who uses products likely to be mass produced in sweatshops as much as you would judge one who has used a prostitute.

Or accept that the two make you feel differently so other people are also perfectly justified in feeling differently about the two.

I suspect grinder is being deliberately goady. Seeing how far they can push it before they're deleted. Because I don't want to believe someone can be that disgusting.

Another reason I hate to think of prostitution as rape and assault is these women are already looked down on by society. A lot of hatred towards prostitutes and escorts. If we stop for a moment and think some of these women actually made a choice to become prostitutes and they need a safe and more respectful environment for them to carry their work.

What?

Sex has always been a commodity in a way. I have families in Asia and a lot of women willingly sell sex for money but more indirectly. “Feminism” manifested in the east in a strange way. It’s not uncommon for families to marry off their daughters to rich families and many of these women actually are happy with these engagements (some of my close friends).

Your close friends had a choice though, didn't they.

And the option of no did not leave them and their family in poverty and deprivation.

Plus their services for marrying into wealth involve being a wife, a mum, a house keeper (probably with help), a social hostess, a companion etc as well.ad sex - not 20 five dollar blow jobs in a row to different men.
Wise up.

Did your bf use a prostitute in Thailand?

@BackseatCookers
No you’re wrong. I judge both equally but the problem with buying things from sweat shop is, everybody does it. When everybody does it and there is no other way, unless you remain single and friendless forever, it makes it hard to make a fair judgement. And people tend to overlook it because fuck it everybody does it. Do you know what sort of environment these people worked in? Do you know how young those children were who was working there? My mum made my sister work in a sweat shop when she was 6. Luckily my dad had enough money to send us to school and now we’re in the UK.

And yes we are all hypocrites to some extent. And yes by your standard of prostitutes in poor countries, I equate that as bad as sweat shops. You only stand on your moral high ground about prostitutes because you were never in a position to hire one. Maybe we can have a much fairer comparison of the two when you no longer feel tempted to buy a nice £10 dress from the high street. Do you know how much my mum used to sell that for? £50p.

You’re free to say prostitution is rape and I’m free to say sweat shops are slavery. We all experience and see life differently.

Just because some things do not mean £5 for a blow job, it doesn’t mean it’s not as evil or worse. There are a lot of things you guys said about prostitution which I do not disagree. It’s bad. It’s evil. It’s inhumane but when people compare it to other things and downplay other things saying hey at least it’s not £5 for a blow job, because YOU yourself have engaged in those things, make this whole debate very impartial and not worth engaging in.

I judge both equally but the problem with buying things from sweat shop is, everybody does it. When everybody does it and there is no other way, unless you remain single and friendless forever

??!!

If you really really don't want to be involved in the immoral side of the clothing industry, you can buy from ethical clothing sources - or make your own, which people used to commonly do until relatively recently, having tried your best to get fabric from a non sweat shop source.

There is a huge sewing, repurposing and altering community online.

You could also lobby brands.

Just because some things do not mean £5 for a blow job, it doesn’t mean it’s not as evil or worse

Are you saying your friends are abused in their marriages?

Are you saying their families wouldnt care if they're abused and help them?

Are you saying the police/authorities/court system etc wouldn't care if they are abused and wouldn't help them?

Are you saying they can't say no to sex with their husbands? Ever?

Are you saying they couldn't divorce if really they wanted to?

Are you saying they had no choice in going into the marriage and couldn't have chosen another partner if they preferred him?

Are you saying they have absolutely no education or employment prospects that mean they could get a (non prostitution) job if they didn't want to marry at that time or at all?

Their situation is not in the same league as bar prostitutes in eg Thailand, not equally evil. That is a joke, and an insult to all those women working as prostitutes in countries like that.

This is a USA recent study:
78 percent of 55 prostituted women reported being raped an average of 16 times annually by their pimps and 33 times a year by johns.... These prostitutes also reported being "horribly beaten" by their pimps an average of 58 times a year. The frequency of beatings...by johns ranged from I to 400 times a year.

It's controlled buy violent men it's not a choice,

And you keep getting back to sweat shops and how buying clothes from companies thstbuse then is equally as bad as using prostitutes; yet as someone pointed out .. you didn't post on here about your bf buying clothes from retailers known to use sweatshops .. you posted about being shocked, unsettled and disgusted that he'd used a prostitute overseas. So they are clearly not the sand for you at all

*same

You only stand on your moral high ground about prostitutes because you were never in a position to hire one. Maybe we can have a much fairer comparison of the two when you no longer feel tempted to buy a nice £10 dress from the high street. Do you know how much my mum used to sell that for? £50p.

While much more awareness, thought and action is needed about unethical clothing manufacturing; as I said earlier in the thread .. trying to compare buying an item from a high street retailer who either hasn't been exposed yet in their unethical practices, or has been exposed and said they'd clean up their act but the consumer doesn't know if they haven't, or the consumer is aware of unethical aspects but had been told that the people in that country need the work, that their pay is relative to the cost of living, that their working conditions are being improved etc (whether true or not) ....

Is like comparing apples with oranges when trying to direct compare it to seeing, meeting, looking in the eye another person in the flesh in front of you and deciding to pay them to penetrate their body and have them perform an intimate act on you that bid usually reserved for partners, lovers, horny one night Stander's etc etc.

If it was Thailand, you haven't answered; the intense poverty and corruption in that country is obvious to anyone with a molecule of brain material. And its sex trade including it's child sex trade is notorious and we'll documented.

*well documented

You only stand on your moral high ground about prostitutes because you were never in a position to hire one. Maybe we can have a much fairer comparison of the two when you no longer feel tempted to buy a nice £10 dress from the high street. Do you know how much my mum used to sell that for? £50p.

I haven't said all prostitution is rape.

I do consider sweat shops to be slavery.

I don't buy fast fashion.

And for the record I believe your mum is likely an incredibly strong woman who has had the odds stacked against her for her whole life and is a survivor. I'm pretty offended that you think my stance on men paying women in poor countries for sex would mean otherwise?

So don't accuse me of standing on a moral highground and being a hypocrite, because you don't know what I have been through in life either.

I can have compassion for your mum and compassion for women forced into prostitution. They're not mutually exclusive. It's you who created the comparison of the two things.

And it's you who wants to stay with someone who has paid for sex with a woman in a poor country. Your prerogative.

You only stand on your moral high ground about prostitutes because you were never in a position to hire one.

I've traveled in Africa and the Caribbean. Believe me I have been in the position to hire one. But it's morally repugnant. And no nicer to see middle-aged white women with 20 yo local blokes in Ghana than it is to see the same reversed in Thailand. The only saving grace is that there is less trafficking and women don't seem to choose under-age boys. Small mercies. In Thailand MOST sex workers start under 18. MOST. Of course the customers are male there.

@mrsterrypratchett just because you been offered one it doesn’t mean you can then relate to those who is disabled, disfigured, or otherwise considered not desirable by the society physically or socially, lonely, suicidal etc. I’m not against those who hire prostitutes if they needed to for whatever difficulties they are facing, if they are otherwise respectful clients and the prostitutes are willing to take their money to perform the services. I see no problem with that.

Why are you so focused on only the bad by products of prostitutions, Eg human trafficking etc whereas happily disregard the fact that there ARE people who chose this profession and want to do it safely and not be judged on. Is it because deep down you all hold some sort of inherent hatred to prostitutes themselves?

And you think people are ignorant about sweat shops and child labour in the east? Please gimme a break. You are a willing consumer who happily disregard the cruel reality of sweat shops because hey! These corporates have it in their ESG policy! They’ve changed! Then the same can be said about Amsterdam and their sex trade? Why are you then so angry about sex trade in Amsterdam?

I’m not going to say where my bf hired a prostitute because to your point, there is human trafficking in Amsterdam or anywhere in the world anyways so I’m not sure why you need to know where. Does it matter? Doesn’t seem like you believe in legal prostitution anyways.

🙄

I’m not against those who hire prostitutes if they needed to for whatever difficulties they are facing, if they are otherwise respectful clients and the prostitutes are willing to take their money to perform the services. I see no problem with that.

Not the case with your boyfriend though was it.

He wasn't facing the difficulties you mentioned, or you'd have mentioned it.

He was in a poor country where it's cheap to have sex with a prostitute and he did it because he wanted to and he could.

People are repeating comments about women being forced into prostitution by trafficking or circumstance because from the information you've provided so far it's clear that your boyfriend paid for a prostitute in a poor country like those mentioned previously.

You're being disingenuous now by repeating whataboutery re sweat shops.

If you're fine with it and "see no problem with it" you wouldn't have started a thread. You aren't fine with it and you do see a problem with it, because you know full well your partner doesn't fit into the categories you listed as being acceptable in your view for using prostitutes.

Again all my arguments are not to support prostitutions. Not even one bit. But I do want to support a safe environment for prostitutes to carry their work and not be stigmatised further if this is the reality. This is clearly a huge source of income for those who need it desperately. Instead of trying to ban the industry where the local government probably has nothing better to offer these poor women (and don’t forget MEN!), it’s better to advocate and enforce a safer way to sex trade.

I’ll be leaving this thread but thank your all for your advice. It got me thinking about a lot of things which will be very useful.