Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

I would dump him and find someone that hasn't used a prostitute. They are not hard to find!

Can't believe some comments telling you to lighten up. No wonder you are upset by this. I would break up with a man who told me this, clearly we all different, it's up to you.

There's plenty of local trade too and certainly in Thailand, Japanese men are also enthusiastic customers.

You're right, they do get a break from.oversized Caucasian penises sometimes - must really put a smile on their faces to know the gagging or cervix hitting won't be as bad this time. We should really write a modern opera about it, it's all so poetic and historic.

@GilbertMarkham . As you're so interested in my take on the subject, you should really read up on sacred prostitution at the various Temples of Aphrodite around the classical world. Might give you a very different perspective on things. Start with Herodotus and go on from there.
@Backseat. You missed a trick there. Surely I should be paying for him to have sex on his stag do?

La Traviata translates as the fallen woman

No it doesn't. That would be La Caduta.

@grindergirl

You missed a trick there. Surely I should be paying for him to have sex on his stag do?

Sorry I don't get it what you mean here. I get that you might be joking but I don't get what the joke is.

If your granddaughter was getting married and she found out a few weeks before her wedding that her husband to be had shagged a prostitute on his stag do, would you think she should go ahead with the wedding without being upset because 'lads will be lads' and that's just the way it is?

If I wasn't clear before, that was my question. Genuinely interested as to what your honest answer is.

I couldn’t get past it. I have an ex boyfriend who I went travelling with in the early 90s. I found out years later he cheated on me with prostitutes while abroad. In later years he’s spent months at a time in Thailand. He’s been single forever and recently we met up for a drink when he came to Uk and he told me he regularises massage parlours. Just absolutely disgusted me. So sad to think I was young and beautiful when we were together and I remember beautiful girls working in our hotel in poverty stricken countries would come up to me and be really mean and I didn’t understand why, now I presume he was sleeping with them too.

It’s your life and your relationship and as you say we’ve all made mistakes but I could never get past this, even if it was a one off as he claims OP.
I have excused a LOT from guys and I’ve always ended up paying for it later on, even when they say they’re a different person now.
I know a lot of women who would excuse it though, so it’s really about what you think, nobody else.

As you're so interested in my take on the subject, you should really read up on sacred prostitution at the various Temples of Aphrodite around the classical world.

I'm not interested in your take on prostitution, I'm appalled and incredulous at your take on prostitution.

I dont need history lessons thanks, and this thread is not about the ins and outs (no pun intended) of temple prostitution in ancient civilizations. It's about op's bf's use of a prostitute "overseas" (I'd put money on a developing country with no welfare state) a few years back.

You seem to have romantic ideas about prostitution - I find it hard to be romantic about men paying often vulnerable, exploited, ,"stuck" women for rimming and anal sex etc.

And your attitude toward your grandson a. Using a prostitute in Amsterdam and b. Cheating on his then partner while doing so indicates there's something not quite right with you and your family. I'd be fkg horrified if any relative of mine got involved with any of you.

And strangy you still haven't answered this;

*you're obviously deeply experienced in the Thai prostitution industry - do tell us then, who facilitates Thai women (and children) into sex work?

Themselves? All on their own,? Do the kids decide independently and go looking for sex work all on their own too?"

*Strangely

There's no trafficking in Thai prostitution according to you. So how do.all these Thai girls end up working as prostitutes in towns and cities? It must be all.tgrur idea, their dream eh - they have posters of prostitutes deep throating Caucasian cocks in the walls of their rooms where our kids and teenagers have bands, right?
Then they naturally just pack their bag and happily head to.bangkok completely independently to realise their dream of sucking strange foreign men's cocks to feed themselves and their families.

@BackseatCookers. I thought it was you who alluded to my grandson and a stag do, hence the remark. If you are genuinely interested in my answer, it's that people have to make their own decisions about what is important to them. Marriage isn't something I ever personally wanted to do, it felt like too much of a constraint. My 'hippy past' may well have a lot to do with that, but for those who didn't live through the early '70s, it wasn't so much free love. It was simply recreational sex. That's why I'm not hung up about who shoves what where. My mantra was always the time, the place, and whoever you're with.
I never answered the question about who does the trafficking in Thailand. From people I talked to, it's mostly the families. Giving birth to a pretty daughter in really impoverished parts of the country such as Isaan can be like winning the lottery

I thought it was you who alluded to my grandson and a stag do, hence the remark

My question was what if your granddaughter was getting married and her fiancé shagged a prostitute in Amsterdam (so more likely to be trafficked than not) or an impoverished country, would you tell her that she was silly to be upset about it and that it was ok? To go through with the wedding?

Giving birth to a pretty daughter in really impoverished parts of the country such as Isaan can be like winning the lottery

What does this have to do with the white, western men who pay to have sex with them? Does it make it any better they do it? For a paedophile having access to an 'attractive' child (to them) is like winning the lottery. What does that have to do with anything?

That's why I'm not hung up about who shoves what where. My mantra was always the time, the place, and whoever you're with

I'm not hung up on that either. At all. If consensual, with an equal level of consent that doesn't involve an impoverished and / or potentially (more likely than not) trafficked woman. You do know being non judgemental of people's sex lives doesn't mean being non judgemental of people who facilitate sexual abuse and human trafficking right? They aren't the same thing. At all.

The fact you're using the phrase "I'm not not hung up on who shoves what where" on a thread someone started about someone paying a woman in a poor country abroad to fuck them says it all really.

A reminder of my question:

If your granddaughter was getting married and she found out a few weeks before her wedding that her husband to be had shagged a prostitute on his stag do, would you think she should go ahead with the wedding without being upset because 'lads will be lads' and that's just the way it is?

If I wasn't clear before, that was my question. Genuinely interested as to what your honest answer is.

@BackseatCookers. I thought I gave you my honest answer. Marriage doesn't make sense to me, so the theoretical marriage of a granddaughter wouldn't either. If forced to give advice, I'd say you have to live with someone for a good few years before you know whether they're a keeper. Also that there's no point joining a library (i.e. life) if you're only going to read one book. But it would be up to her to decide if her gone-astray intended was worth making vows with. Not me, not her mother, not anyone else. If a commitment has been made, can't see much degree of difference between shagging a prostitute, a co-worker or a random stranger met in a bar.

Marriage doesn't make sense to me, so the theoretical marriage of a granddaughter wouldn't either

I guess in my hypothetical scenario the granddaughter would believe in marriage. Hence getting married and having a fiancé in the scenario I proposed.

It might not make sense to you but I can't understand you being ok with telling a granddaughter she shouldn't care her fiancé had paid for sex previously.

But then I guess you can't understand me saying she doesn't need to / shouldn't try to be ok with it.

Each to their own. You don't value all women equally in my opinion and are cold / naive / ignorant / uncaring to not acknowledge the vast majority of prostitutes in poor countries are doing it out of desperation not actual choice.

My late partner used a prostitute when he was in Thailand & again in China, it was years before I met him, he had HIV & full sexual health check when I met him, we both did, he was clear. As long as he didn't do it while we were in a relationship, I accepted it was in the past, I'd done things I wasn't proud of in the past but once we were in a relationship neither of us strayed.

He was 18 and I guarantee that he believed that the women doing it loved the sex as is the general thoughts from the majority of men that pay for sex, delusional yes very but I don’t see it as rape like some here do, but it’s so common for young men to go to Amsterdam and buy sex at least once, it’s almost seen as a rite of passage for some, just be thankful it’s only the once and he didn’t turn into an addict.

What's done is done, you can't change it. But realistically you are clearly struggling to accept the answer so you should move on. This issue will always be lurking at the back of your mind.

OP I am interested in what made you ask that particular question in the first place, have you been a sex worker yourself? I have and hypocritical or not then a man paying for sex would put me off too but not if it was when he was 18 and didn’t know any better.

You don't value all women equally in my opinion and are cold / naive / ignorant / uncaring to not acknowledge the vast majority of prostitutes in poor countries are doing it out of desperation not actual choice.

Grinder is so off the bracket that she mentioned her grandson and his friend having girlfriends when they used prostitutes in Amsterdam to demonstrate to op that "normal" young men, who gave access to relationships and sex, use prostitutes for an experience/because lads will be lads etc. .... Without it even occurring to get that anyone would find it immoral that they not only used prostitutes, but were not single and were cheating on their girlfriends back home too. The girlfriends were irrelevant in her eyes, non entities .. and she went on to clarify when challenged about it that her grandson's been replaced twice since .. so obviously it doubly didn't matter that he cheated on her with a prostitute presumably behind her back.
You see people whk come a cropper of grinder and her family are just foolish not to have the same moral (amoral) outlook on life .. I'm sure it's made really plain to them that they don't believe in monogamy etc. and their involvement would be no barrier to fucking prostitutes abroad the second they get involved.

Grinder is also so well read that she can give out recommendations on reading about ancient civilizations and culture ...

But somehow hadn't managed to read or see any of the exposes on the sex industry "regulation" in places like Amsterdam, and believed that there is no trafficking whatsoever in Thai prostitution.

Cooker was referring to women abroad, in impoverished developing countries. While self esteem may be an issue , they are affected by fire, hand to mouth, true poverty circumstances that we in a developed country with a welfare state are not.

Maybe so, but my opinion of a man who used a prostitute would be the same, no matter what country they were in.

I wouldn't think he's a respectable man for using a prostitute in the UK, the US or Australia.

Also bear in mind that just as some women in poverty striken countries choose prostitution, so do women in the Western world with a welfare state system go down the prostitution route.

So while poverty and trafficking is very much a factor, I don't think we can say no women at all wouldn't do it if their country had a welfare state.
It's very sad really.

I think you need more details, as awful as that sounds. Him describing what actually happened and how might help you think clearly and get a better perspective.

@grindergirl
"Giving birth to a pretty daughter in really impoverished parts of the country such as Isaan can be like winning the lottery"

I have to say that absolutely disgusted me. You disgust me. You sound like some one that has no morals, selfish, and some one who would sexually abuse some one

@grindergirl women may get into prostitution due to low self-esteem, but it’s not because they have a need to feel wanted from men that pay them, believe me! If they can get men to pay them then obviously they get men that like them in real life without paying for them.

What’s the difference between doing it for love and doing it for money?! are you for real?!