Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

Again OP, so you're fully ok with it?

I don't get why you can't answer that if you have no issue with it.

If it's fine with you, it's fine with you.

Except you posted this thread.

So what's your issue with it?

You're judging people who say it's unacceptable to them and a dealbreaker.

What's your opinion?

Prostitution would have been a choice if a person was given that choice. If someone went to them with a few options of employment,

eg "would you like to be hairdresser, a doctor, a shop assistant or perhaps a prostitute? "
and they would say (assuming they had all the skills needed and the pay was the same):

"yep, definitely I want to be a prostitute "

that's what you can call a choice

poverty and life difficulties can lead people onto that path

The path of having unwanted sex with him.

For a laugh tell him you're glad the came up - because you did work as a prostitute in the past, bit you stopped because of a really bad experience.

And when you found out he'd been with a prostitute the reason you were so shocked and horrified is that you didnt think he was like those men at all, and you can't reconcile him being like them.

(He'll probably see through it as a ruse but worth a try - bet if he actually believed you, you'll.see his real attitude to former prostitutes, the questions will start about how long, how many men etc).

The path of having unwanted sex with him.

Not a subject I should be laughing about but that was blackly funny.

eg "would you like to be hairdresser, a doctor, a shop assistant or perhaps a prostitute? "*
and they would say (assuming they had all the skills needed and the pay was the same):

"yep, definitely I want to be a prostitute "

that's what you can call a choice*

You've captured that so succinctly.
Wish you'd been here earlier in the thread when the "it's their choice to earn money that way"s were being thrown around.

You're having sex with a man who bought consent and are upset at randoms on the internet who are 'hypocritical'. Honestly, you couldn't make that up! If it doesn't bother you, why post about it and then round on people who find it totally abhorrent and a total dealbreaker? You don't like their standards so denigrate them to make you feel better about a man others find a total low-life because he bought consent for sex with someone? Crack on with him then. I wouldn't be able to touch such a specimen again, but that's my lookout. There's nothing you can do to convince me that a person who purchases consent for sex is ever a nice person.

The moral compass isn't fixed. Nor should it be. Men have fallen for the charms of fallen women since time immemorial. What would stop you feeling disgusted, op? Maybe going together to see a performance of Verdi's La Traviata. It might help you feel more sympathetic towards prostitutes and the men who visit them.
Nobody here seems to consider that some women stumble into prostitution through a lack of self-esteem. The desire to be wanted is entrenched in human nature. Too many dumpings and a gal might think: aw, fuck it. Do it for love, do it for money---what's the difference. As Joni Mitchell once sang: ''It's love's illusions I recall. I really don't know love at all.''

Nobody here seems to consider that some women stumble into prostitution through a lack of self-esteem. The desire to be wanted is entrenched in human nature.

Oh my god. I can't even tell you how disgusting a view this is.

Girls, if you have low self esteem in a poor country then get some western men to pay to suck their dick or do anal.

They don't think that will raise their 'self esteem', they think it will put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

You're working so very hard to defend men who pay disadvantaged women in dire economically unstable situations who turn to prostitution to survive.

In order to make yourself feel better about your grandson fucking prostitutes because you're a 'hippy' who is ok with it.

Do you really stand by that?

Again, there's a difference between shagging a privately educated escort in Kensington and a woman from a poverty stricken country who has no option but to sell sex. You can't be so foolish as to not understand the difference.

OP's partner paid for the latter. Your grandson most likely paid for the latter as the majority of prostitutes in Amsterdam are trafficked.

He was at least willing to take the risk as he couldn't possibly know if they were trafficked / forced or not.

Just own the fact you don't care and think it's fine for men to pay for sex from any woman, no matter what their circumstance and how desperate they are.

You'd presumably be happy for an 18 year old grand daughter of yours to fuck a 60 year old man as long as he paid her enough?

I'd end the relationship, because like you it would disgust me.

I really don't see the point in investing my time in such a person.

Having sex with a prostitute is a choice, not a mistake. He may well never donut again and he may well regret it, but I wouldn't feel comfortable in the relationship knowing what he'd done.

There's enough men out there, that I don't need to stick around.

We're allowed to decide what qualities we want in a partner...be they past or present.

It's just like some ppl would be fine with a reformed criminal who had spent time in prison...and others wouldn't be.

I have every empathetic thought for the workers. Why on earth wouldn't I? I don't blame or judge them.

I judge the fuck out of the nasty buggers who use them as a wank sock.

And 'fallen women'? What bollocks is that?

@grindergirl

Fallen women?!

Fuck me. You're saying some truly awful things. Embarrassing in fact. The female misogynist is a fascinating creature.

Too many dumpings and a gal might think: aw, fuck it.

I mean. Just. What a ridiculous thing to say. Yes, many women think aha I'll become a prostitute because I'll feel wanted then.

Of the list of reasons a woman becomes a prostitute you'd have to be unbelievably unempathetic to think a need for love and validation is one of them.

Autumntimes, he says it was only once, years ago, when he was young and there's no reason to disbelieve that. Your boyfriend was honest with you, he didn't have to tell you the truth, could have denied it - most would.

Yes it's tacky but it's in his past. Don't judge him for something he did when he was young, everyone makes mistakes.

However if you can't get over the thought of it, end the relationship. That doesn't mean your next boyfriend won't have done the same or worse but keeps quiet about it.

If I were a guy who had sex with a prostitute and regretted it, and I wanted to be honest with my partner, what do I have to do to show my partner I’m no longer the disgusting man she might think I am now.

Unfortunately, there's nothing he could do to make me want to stay with him.

I accept that people can change, but I personally retain the decision whether or not to be in a relationship with that person.

I could be their friend...but nothing more.

It just changes how I see a man.
If I had ever worked as a prostitute, I would never tell a future partner, because I know they would judge.... it's human nature. I'd take it to my grave.

I can't even tell you how disgusting a view this is.

I would t even bother with grinder - either taking the piss or too many drugs in their "hippy" days have affected brain function. Is t this the same womsn who jokingly told off her cheating grandson for throwing away money on the prostitute he had sex with on his Amsterdam holiday. Apparently it doesn't matter that he cheated on his gf of the time because he's been through a couple more gf's since then - and is a bit of a rogue. Boys will be boys, lads will be lads, no judgement here, here condemnation here, our family is one big chilled humourous clan - except for the unfortunates who date members of it; the family good naturedly rib their partners about cheating on them with prostitutes while on holiday behind their back. What a good laugh. Sure they don't matter anyway, they'll soon be an ex, onto the next.

I can't imagine how her grandsons relationships break down so often with his sterling character and morals, formed and reinforced by his parents and grandparents.

"Fallen for the charms of a fallen woman" - yeah I think the life of a Thai prostitute might be a tad less poetic than an opera - another day, another twenty dicks to suck.

Don't eat, get beaten up by pimp, family don't get what they need if I don't suck said twenty dicks.

Another visit to the clap clinic.
Another bout of painful sex with men not anatomically developed for my race.

But - by all means - let's talk about opera and the oldest profession and men falling for charms (sounds very romantic and personal - not really in line with the way most men pick their dick receptable for that episode).

Thank you for making me feel less like I'm banging my head against a misogynist, empathy bare brick wall @GilbertMarkham.

Isn't it sad that the next generation of young women and young men are still being told that women are a commodity to be bought and sold.

Extra points to @grindergirl for suggesting that prostitutes, including those from poverty stricken countries, should be grateful for the boost to their self esteem that men paying to fuck them and use their mouths, vaginas and arses as paid for playthings must give them. What a validation of their worth as a human being.

I presume you don't share this opinion with grand daughters when it comes to you and yours? Other people's daughters / wives / sisters / mothers are fair game though. Especially if they're from overseas.

Jesus wept.

Of the list of reasons a woman becomes a prostitute you'd have to be unbelievably unempathetic to think a need for love and validation is one of them.

You can't possibly know the reasons every single prostitute becomes one.

Whoever made the point is actually right. It is why some women become prostitutes.

I have come across 3 people who did it for these very reasons, although they would prefer to call themselves escorts. They all had very complicated backgrounds, which was a major factor in the road they went down.

Such sweeping statements are rather naive. A prostitute is a person with an individual personality, just like anyone else....they make choices for their own reasons...those reasons are financial for many, but not for all.

I have come across 3 people who did it for these very reasons, although they would prefer to call themselves escorts. They all had very complicated backgrounds, which was a major factor in the road they went down.

Cooker was referring to women abroad, in impoverished developing countries. While self esteem may be an issue , they are affected by fire, hand to mouth, true poverty circumstances that we in a developed country with a welfare state are not.

La Traviata translates as the fallen woman which is why I used the analogy. @BackseatCookers I'm not a lawyer so I 'm not in the business of defending anyone. Sex has always been a commodity, and women are not necessarily the losers in the trade. Nor is it only western men who use prostitutes in SE Asia. There's plenty of local trade too and certainly in Thailand, Japanese men are also enthusiastic customers. Poverty is undoubtedly the key factor over there but a girl who is able to support a family back in the village through her 'work'' would be seen as a valuable asset. Who sends them to Bangkok and other big cities? Not traffickers. Different cultures and attitudes can't always be adapted to suit many westerners' ideas of morality. As for my own granddaughters, no, of course I wouldn't encourage them into a life of prostitution. But if they ever reckoned the game was worth the candle, it's not something I would condemn. We all live by our own rules---or at least we should

*dire

Who sends them to Bangkok and other big cities? Not traffickers.

Oh you're obviously deeply experienced in the Thai prostitution industry - do tell us then, who facilitates Thai women (and children) into sex work?

Themselves? All on their own,? Do the kids decide independently and go looking for sex work all on their own too?

Different cultures and attitudes can't always be adapted to suit many westerners' ideas of morality.

Ah so if they don't think they're being exploited; we shouldn't think they are. It's our ideas around morality that are the problem.

@grindergirl

As for my own granddaughters, no, of course I wouldn't encourage them into a life of prostitution.

Wouldn't condemn them but wouldn't encourage them. "Of course I wouldn't encourage them". "Of course". Because it's obvious?

Because they are worth more? Wouldn't it help their self esteem if they weren't confident? Your arguments don't stand up to logic.

Which is fine - your prerogative- but it shows your arguments to be misogynist, hypocritical and frankly nonsensical. Thanks for showing your true colours throughout this thread.

I hope your grandson has a lovely wedding if he gets married, with everyone talking about what a jack the last he is. No doubt he will pay for sex on his stag do. Because you know... lads will be lads.

You'd be happy if your grand daughters fiancé paid for a prostitute on their stag do? I'll be staggered if you actually answer that.