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Original poster

Relationship and finances

169 replies

crossroads1 · 31/03/2020 02:32

Hi all.. bit of a long post here so bear with me. There are 2 things that have been running through my mind lately.

Me and my fiancée got engaged last year - wedding will be postponed due to corona - but a little while ago he opened up to me about his finances. Now don’t get me wrong he is very stable, has a few properties and is very smart with money however he told me he made a lot of mistakes when he was younger which has resulted in him taking Loans and being in debt. His finances are something that is affecting him badly as he knows with a wedding to plan money is crucial. He used to be frivolous but def isn’t anymore.. which leads me to my next point.

Him and I have an amazing relationship his personality is exactly what I’ve always wanted in a man but this thing with his finances has turned me off a bit as he asked me to take a 15k loan for him which he will pay back due to me having a good credit rating and a low interest low. I don’t question him paying me back but I’m turned off and a bit resentful that he even asked me. I mean he made those mistakes when he was younger not me but now I’m feeling I have to suffer because of his out of control spending.

Also I’ve been comparing him to my ex who was awful!! But the one thing ex never did was ask for money help.. in fact he had to declare bankruptcy as he didn’t tell me the extent of his debt.

I really love my other half but am annoyed I’ll have to take a loan for him on my name. Of course I want to help him he cries and his hair even falls out because of the stress. He thought I would leave him and says I deserve someone better who can give me a better life. I know money isn’t everything and he’s by no means poor but I can’t help feeling a little hard done by!! All those fancy holidays nights in casinos etc and now I’m here with the bill it seems!! We don’t go anywhere fancy in fact he really limits his spending because of the mess he’s in. To also be clear he will pay me the money so he says .. it’s just to clear some other things down on a lower interest rate. I haven’t gone through with anything yet but wanted advice. I do trust him but can’t help this feeling of disappointment. Thanks all

OP posts:
Fallingirl · 31/03/2020 02:45

Hmmm, I’d be less than impressed.
He got engaged to you last year, but only opened up about his debts recently? Would this have been after the wedding had to be postponed?

The crying and saying he thought you’d leave him is very close to emotional blackmail.

The responsible thing for him to do, would be to sell one of his properties to pay off the debts.

Bufferingkisses · 31/03/2020 03:10

You're not making sense, he is stable, smart with money, has a few properties.

Yet is so far in debt he cries, his hair falls out and he wants you to consolidate some of his debts into a 15k loan in your name.

These two do not add up before you even get to the reason for the debt.

Why isnt he realising capital from his properties? Why not a mortgage, that would have lower interest than a loan. Why does he want to consolidate? Lowering interest rates only works if there are no exit penalties, no additional interest to pay, the new loan isn't over a longer term etc.

You write as if you have a bit of rose tinting going on. I would strongly advise you not to do this unless you can afford to lose 15k plus interest. It is a ridiculously risky thing to do and there are huge alarm bells around the story you're getting told.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 31/03/2020 03:15

He has properties but is asking you for a loan? That makes no sense. I smell a rat.

Money isn’t everything, but it comes close when someone who is supposed to love you asks you to go into massive debt on your behalf!

I don’t understand your reference to casinos and fancy holidays? Was this before you met? How long have you known him? Do you live in any of his properties or do you rent?

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 31/03/2020 03:16

Their behalf, not your behalf.

groovergirl · 31/03/2020 03:23

He clearly isn't in the right financial shape to get married, OP. Marriage is about much more than romance (which will fade very fast if you have massive money troubles, believe me).
He'd be better off re-mortgaging one of his properties or selling it to clear his debts. Then you can both start afresh.
You can keep him as a (non-cohabiting) boyfriend if you really like him. But really, I think you've had a timely escape thanks to CV. Don't marry him until/unless he sorts out his finances. Then get an accountant to check everything before you agree to wed. DO NOT take out a loan on his behalf and get stuck with sexually transmitted debt. He could bunk off at any time, find a new hot chick to tramp around casinos with, and what will become of you then?
Stay safe.

greenkit · 31/03/2020 03:24

I would be asking for all finances to be put on the table..

What does he own, what does he owe and with whom

DO NOT TAKE OUT A LOAN for him

Only when you can see the whole picture can you make a decision on the future.

I smell a rat though, so I would tread carefully

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2020 05:27

He should be selling one of his properties or releasing equity to sort himself out. Don't take out a loan unless you're fine with paying it back yourself

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 05:46

He has a few properties... so sell one.

Do you have a handle on the side of your head?

category12 · 31/03/2020 07:26

Don't take out a loan fgs. You are being very foolish. Something really doesn't add up.

He wants to "be smart" with your money, and put you into debt. Dodgy as fuck.

DuchessofManchester · 31/03/2020 07:39

If he's 15k in debt and I suspect that's only the tip of the iceberg, he's not stable and smart with money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2020 07:40

What the other respondents have written here so take heed.

DO NOT TAKE OUT A LOAN FOR HIM. I would reassess your relationship as a whole too because a lot does not at all add up here.

I am wondering if this man is really another version of your ex who became bankrupt and openly lied about the scale of debt. Have you gone from basically one of these types to yet another similar?. Why 15k and for what purpose?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your parents show you?.

Is this man also a problem gambler; you mention fancy holiday nights in casinos?.

MontysOarlock · 31/03/2020 07:41

Do not take out a loan.

If he is smart with his money now, then he would just speak to a financial advisor. As he owns properties he could take out a secured loan against those rather than ask you for one. This isn't a simple case where he is servicing debt, he owns properties so it is more complicated.

The fact he only came clean some time after the engagement is almost bait and switch. I assume he proposed. So he asked you to financially link yourself to him with marriage without you knowing all the facts about his debt.

I would tread very carefully on this.

Cordial11 · 31/03/2020 07:41

Please OP this doesn't add up, be careful!

Sushiroller · 31/03/2020 08:06

I am in the same situation in that i am engaged and the wedding is being pushed out due to corona.

I would be totally shocked if this happened to me for a few reasons.

  1. My DP would have been lying to me and hiding debt and hisnfinancial stablity (super serious and potentially relationship ending in and of itself)
  2. I KNOW My DP would not enter into marriage with me with that hanging over us.
  3. I know he would never ask me to put myself in a dodgy situation financially (because he cares about me greatly)

For context, (and this is not a brag) we are relatively well off and i while i would notice 15k if i lost it, it wouldn't ruin me/effect my finances massively (i could still go on holiday for example). But what would absolutely ruin me is the hurt lies and betrayal that came with it.

DO NOT DO THIS.
He shouldnt ask and you shouldnt say yes.

His hair falls out because he is balding
he is making a string of shitty life choices.

Agree with others he has only told ypu what he has to. The 15k is the MINIMUM he needs to hold the wolf from the door... for now.
Let him sell one of his houses (queue bullshit excuse as to why he can't) or let him mug off his parents or siblings.

Do not give him 15k and continue to hold off marrying him. You should not attach yourself to someone who is very likely not financially stable and capable to such deceit. Marriage is not just about love, its about commitment and care for each other.

Ps unless you are doing a registry office HOW is he planning on paying for the wedding fgs??

Sushiroller · 31/03/2020 08:07

Oh and nothing about his story adds up so i call BS on that too!

Windmillwhirl · 31/03/2020 08:10

I'm also dubious about the properties. Are you sure he really owns them? This smells very fishy to me.

Afterhours · 31/03/2020 08:19

£15k is a lot but if he owns properties, it’s nothing.

What other loans and debt does he have? Virus aside, why hasn’t he sold one of his properties?

Afterhours · 31/03/2020 08:20

I also wouldn’t trust him to pay you back.

Buggedandconfused · 31/03/2020 08:25

No no no.

Do not take out a loan or loan him any significant amounts. No way.

You have to protect yourself. Also yes, I’d be really wary of marrying someone who wined and dined me on debt and then in effect asked me to pay for it, even if it was a loan. He lied to you and gave you the impression he was someone he is not.

Give the financial situation as your reasoning. Absolute do not make yourself more financially vulnerable for this man.

IndieTara · 31/03/2020 08:27

Op none of this adds up. At all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2020 08:38

You know this isn’t right which is why you’re asking.

Windmillwhirl · 31/03/2020 08:40

If he had bad credit history when he was young, how did he get mortgages?

Have you ever seen proof of the properties he suppsedly owns?

Who was paying for the wedding?

Did he pay for fancy hotels all on credit in the past?

Are you in a good job, op? Do you earn good money?

SybilWrites · 31/03/2020 08:42

I wouldn't marry this person OP. You have no idea what his finances are, he's asking to use YOUR money to bail him out, and he's got properties?

I went out with someone who was really useless with money and it was really stressful! I can't imagine sharing my finances with someone like that. It will only get worse if you get married, own a house together, have babies etc.

olivetreelane · 31/03/2020 08:50

Credit Karma is a free credit report! I think he needs to show you this as it sounds like you have no idea the extent of this mans financial status.

DO NOT TAKE OUT A LOAN for him! You will be liable for this and if he's struggling to make payments on things, especially when he has property (does he receive rental payments from these?), this loan will be the least of his priorities!

Mum4Fergus · 31/03/2020 08:54

It sounds like you are talking about two entirely different people.

Do not take out a loan.

Do not rush to rearrange wedding until you get the entire story - as I'm not convinced you are.

He can sell one of the properties, or raise money via their capital.

What evidence have you seen of the properties?