Relationship and finances

[crossroads1]

Hi all.. bit of a long post here so bear with me. There are 2 things that have been running through my mind lately.

Me and my fiancée got engaged last year - wedding will be postponed due to corona - but a little while ago he opened up to me about his finances. Now don’t get me wrong he is very stable, has a few properties and is very smart with money however he told me he made a lot of mistakes when he was younger which has resulted in him taking Loans and being in debt. His finances are something that is affecting him badly as he knows with a wedding to plan money is crucial. He used to be frivolous but def isn’t anymore.. which leads me to my next point.

Him and I have an amazing relationship his personality is exactly what I’ve always wanted in a man but this thing with his finances has turned me off a bit as he asked me to take a 15k loan for him which he will pay back due to me having a good credit rating and a low interest low. I don’t question him paying me back but I’m turned off and a bit resentful that he even asked me. I mean he made those mistakes when he was younger not me but now I’m feeling I have to suffer because of his out of control spending.

Also I’ve been comparing him to my ex who was awful!! But the one thing ex never did was ask for money help.. in fact he had to declare bankruptcy as he didn’t tell me the extent of his debt.

I really love my other half but am annoyed I’ll have to take a loan for him on my name. Of course I want to help him he cries and his hair even falls out because of the stress. He thought I would leave him and says I deserve someone better who can give me a better life. I know money isn’t everything and he’s by no means poor but I can’t help feeling a little hard done by!! All those fancy holidays nights in casinos etc and now I’m here with the bill it seems!! We don’t go anywhere fancy in fact he really limits his spending because of the mess he’s in. To also be clear he will pay me the money so he says .. it’s just to clear some other things down on a lower interest rate. I haven’t gone through with anything yet but wanted advice. I do trust him but can’t help this feeling of disappointment. Thanks all

The only surprise to me is that he didn't leave his request until you were married and preferably pregnant; the fact he's jumped the gun suggests he's in a much worse mess than you've been told

Between the classic scammer tactic of "I hate asking" and your own comments about him being "shameless" and "fancying himself as a wheeler dealer" there are more flags here than a communist convention. As a PP said, love just isn't enough with someone like this and your justified resentment's building up already

If you marry him I guarantee he'll disclose much more very soon after, so personally I'd throw him back and find your happiness with someone much better placed. You're not going to find it with him and I suspect you know it

OP, in case you’re still considering taking out the loan (please don’t!) please ask him how much more he would have to pay on his existing loan. If the interest rate is going up (and as others have, that doesn’t happen with “normal”) I cant see that it would cost him significantly more money each month. How much was the original debt? If he’s been paying it off regularly then there is less debt so once he’s come to the end of a fixed term loan, there should be less to borrow so the payments should reduce. Ask him how much the interest rate is increasing by and how much more a month that would cost him. If it’s all legit then the bank will have sent him info (KeyFacts) about repayment amounts, interest rates etc and he will be able to show you.

He’s really not good with money. If he were, he wouldn’t have such a bad credit rating. As someone mentioned, if it were historic debt then his rating would have improved by now. Anyone that is good with money would know that the best type of money to use is cash, then you try and get the lowest interest rate possible. Could you transfer him £15k immediately? Solve all his issues straight away? If you could and he’s as stressed about it as he makes out, why would he want to wait for the loan to be processed? My guess is he thinks cash is actual money and he sees loans as free money you don’t have to pay back.

Your dh is not smart with money, he’s a loser and an idiot and say no to the loan and your relationship. He’s sounds like a right conman/idiot/thicko.

Ah, good points, @I0NA and @category12 - he is clearly a guy has always handled his financial issues by just taking on more debt. He doesn't see it as a big deal - not like her savings which are "real money".

I also don’t understand this op. It sounds like he’s financially in a mess now and unable to service his debt, if he was stable he’d have this under control.

I think you know deep down there is a significant problem here.

Why don’t you ask him to see all his financial details, bank loans, credit card debts, income, repayments etc because something is greatly amiss.

People who are stable and had the initial issue ten years ago, don’t suddenly need to borrow fifteen grand from their partners. People who do this are very much unstable. And as you rightly say, in a mess.

OP just say you can't take out a loan as you can't risk the bank putting up the interest rate and him not being able to afford it. Not much he can say to that is there.

Not sure op will be back

Say you need full financial disclosure from him before you'll even consider taking out a loan on his behalf. You need to better understand his incomings and his outgoings.

He cant sell because they are rental and they supplement a large part of his income and he owns them with someone else.

I'm with everyone else in not understanding what's going on here. Wouldn't the monthly rent cover his debt repayments? And if not, would his brother be able to buy him out of his share of the property so he can clear the debt outright?

It sounds like he doesn't want to give up what he's got in order to clear the debts. Instead, he wants you to take on risk for him so that he can continue to try to grow his 'empire'. That would be a 'no' from me.

We all know a woman who's done this and been left in the shitter, right?

I know at least two and it took them both years to recover.

If he refuses to show you ALL the details of EVERYTHING he owns, earns, owes and has borrowed, all the bank and card statements etc. then it's a definite NO..

If he lets you see everything, and there is a way out of some debt by using cash, then if you really trust him (do you?)maybe you could lend him cash IF it all stacks up that you'll get repaid.

Otherwise it's a NO.

I got caught by an ex who let me pay in my hard earned cash for 3 months of mortgage in full till the default letter arrived ...as fast as I was paying it into the bills account he was checking the balance at the bank daily and taking it out.

HarrietThe Shy Yes I know one, she has a child as well. Different circumstances but he bled her dry.

She would have been better off investing her money in buying her own home (she could have afforded it back then) but is now struggling to pay rent with no child support from her ex.

This identical story was written last year by someone on Mumsnet. And got tonnes of answers.

Your instincts are telling you NO DON'T DO IT
I say listen to them
You will almost certainly live to regret it if you go ahead and take a 15k loan for him
If things go pear shaped afterwards you will be left with the debt

He is telling you porkies op please listen to previous posters. Ask to see his financials and the loan you will be paying off.
If his credit is bad that will be a reason in the last 6 years. Ask to see his credit report.

Watch him squirm and make excuses. Don’t take debt out that isn’t yours. Fiancé or not!!

Not quite the same amount of money but when I was married to ex husband we ‘needed’ a new family car. I had a banger which I owned fully and was quite happy with, he had a decent family car on finance but we needed a bigger one apparently. He was happy to part ex his as mine was fully paid off with low running costs husband sorted it until there was an issue getting the finance so I took that in my name having him tell me his car covered deposit etc- we were married after all with largely joint finances. Fast forward a few months we split (gambling on the quiet being on of the reasons) and it turned out his car deposit had been in negative equity the car finance was in my name and he was happy to just leave me with it when he moved out so I had to return the car to the garage and pay them £1600 to get out of the negative equity! I felt very stupid but in comparison to a £15000 loan it was easily sorted and something of a life lesson!!

If you marry this guy then any of his earnings and yours will be put toward his debts. You must not marry him and then have to go without the nice things because you’re forever under his mistakes. If he leaves you, his property from before the marriage will be his.

I’m telling you. Don’t marry a man with debt because like it or not it will need to be payed off and you will be suffering. He needs to get his act together and pay off his own debts. Sell off his shares of property. Cash is king indeed, but he can’t even get a look in castle the way he has messed up his finances.

Don’t do this to yourself. Even if he pays you back it’ll be like half of it is paying you back plus interest on top of it.

Don’t do it. Please don’t ruin your life and hard work. If he wants you, and is the man who can actually have a stable family... he will be a big boy and pay what he owes.

You’ll lose a lot more than your hair. Your money, sanity, health, and years lost. All because you couldn’t open your eyes.

Get all his financials and do a background check. At the very least do that for yourself before you go ruining yourself.

Ask to see proof of ownership of the other properties - if he can't provide that he is lying about it. Why isn't he renting them and using the income to pay down debts? Men have lied to me about what they own before, it happens.
I know it's not exactly the same, but a friend of mine 'lent' her DP (of about a year) 15k to buy a van to work as a courier, I felt uneasy about it but she was sure it was all legit. Funnily enough, she never saw the van, (he claimed it was stolen before he had a chance to insure it), then he slipped off the radar. The police cannot do anything in these cases. It's awful, but people do this kind of stuff, and they get away with it.

I doubt op will be back as she knows we are right

I don't understand either. If he's stable had a good job and properties. Then he needs to consolidate those assets and pay off his debt. NOT have his new fiance bail him out. You are right to be wary and resentful. Don't fall for the tears and his 'stress' induced hair loss. His problem and once you see the evidence of the true scale of things and his efforts to get it paid off then I'd hold off on the marriage for now....