Relationship and finances

[crossroads1]

Hi all.. bit of a long post here so bear with me. There are 2 things that have been running through my mind lately.

Me and my fiancée got engaged last year - wedding will be postponed due to corona - but a little while ago he opened up to me about his finances. Now don’t get me wrong he is very stable, has a few properties and is very smart with money however he told me he made a lot of mistakes when he was younger which has resulted in him taking Loans and being in debt. His finances are something that is affecting him badly as he knows with a wedding to plan money is crucial. He used to be frivolous but def isn’t anymore.. which leads me to my next point.

Him and I have an amazing relationship his personality is exactly what I’ve always wanted in a man but this thing with his finances has turned me off a bit as he asked me to take a 15k loan for him which he will pay back due to me having a good credit rating and a low interest low. I don’t question him paying me back but I’m turned off and a bit resentful that he even asked me. I mean he made those mistakes when he was younger not me but now I’m feeling I have to suffer because of his out of control spending.

Also I’ve been comparing him to my ex who was awful!! But the one thing ex never did was ask for money help.. in fact he had to declare bankruptcy as he didn’t tell me the extent of his debt.

I really love my other half but am annoyed I’ll have to take a loan for him on my name. Of course I want to help him he cries and his hair even falls out because of the stress. He thought I would leave him and says I deserve someone better who can give me a better life. I know money isn’t everything and he’s by no means poor but I can’t help feeling a little hard done by!! All those fancy holidays nights in casinos etc and now I’m here with the bill it seems!! We don’t go anywhere fancy in fact he really limits his spending because of the mess he’s in. To also be clear he will pay me the money so he says .. it’s just to clear some other things down on a lower interest rate. I haven’t gone through with anything yet but wanted advice. I do trust him but can’t help this feeling of disappointment. Thanks all

If you can afford to give him money to bail him out, then do it if you want (and if you can afford to lose it) and trust him to pay it back or see it as an investment in your relationship. But taking out a loan would be barmy.

You are correct in that his debt is not your problem. Do not take out a loan for him under any circumstances and on a wider level I would be rethinking this relationship as a whole.

You cannot afford to be naive about loans and repayment terms.
What is this amount of money going to be used by him for?.

Surely the rental income allows him to pay it off? How much debt was he actually in to still be in for - at least - 15k years down the line?

I'm another who thinks this doesn't add it, OP.

How has he managed to buy properties when he was in such debt?

Does he rent them out?

Do you know for certain that he owns those properties?

Why doesn't he remortgage?

In any case, please don't even consider taking out a loan in his name. You should be very, very suspicious of a man who asks you to do this.

I'd point him in the direction of step change or the cib and stipulate you will not under any circumstances be getting a loan in your name or giving him a penny in cash.

I wouldn't even consider marrying anyone who had kept their entire financial mismanagement a secret. Especially when this has dragged on from his youth.

In fact I'd say you might need to just walk away to avoid any further becoming enmeshed in his financial stupidity.

Oh wow. I'd run a mile. He does not sound as though he is smart with money and all his impulsiveness was in the past. He's been romancing you on borrowed money and now he's in more financial shit.

If you want a life constantly on edge with a profligate husband (possibly gambler) and endless debts, carry on. There is something you are not being told about here and that is a huge red flag, along with the request for a loan.

I suspect he doesn't want people to pay off this debts because he has no intention of using this 15k to pay his debts.

Agree with PPs.

His financials as you write them do not add up. If he truly owns several properties and is stable, then

1. He should not need a cash injection of £15k. Why does he need cash now? And
2. Even if he does need cash now for a good reason (unforeseen catastrophe) then why is he not selling a property or taking out a equity loan or second mortgage to raise the funds instead?

I have a feeling that the £15k will be used to either fix up a property of his (which is in his name), to pay off gambling debts or other unknown credit card debt, or maybe even best case to buy you a ring and pay for the wedding....

So, no. Don’t take on debt in your name for some unknown purpose and then hand him the cash. Don’t do it.

A loan would keep you hooked to him.

Think about it. He's always paying you maybe a day or two late, but then if things go south then he will threaten not to pay the loan so you feel obligated to hang around for the money and he will act hard done to if you want to do anything or go anywhere because he's giving all his money to you for the loan.

And if you lose savings and credit rating, it's harder for you to get away.

Please don’t be a mug.
He’s lying to you.

If you are taking out the loan then I strongly suggest that you pay the loans directly. You don't give him the money, but you make the payments yourself.

If it's on the level, he is unlikely to mind.

Sorry to go on, but this really bothers me:

I offered to help him and give him some cash to clear this debt to which he said no. Another of his friends has offered to do the say but he doesnt take money off ppl - he said he would rather get the low interest and then pay that back.

It's a worrying attitude to money and debt if he genuinely thinks you taking a loan out is less of a imposition than taking your savings. Either is a huge ask, but getting you into an unnecessary debt is bizarre and indicates something very odd about his attitudes.

www.stepchange.org/how-we-help.aspx

Strongly advise he takes professional advice.

Do not take out any sort of loan yourself

out of all your options number 2 is most likely. thank you

That’s great, I really hope for your sake that you are right. So please go ahead and ask him to get all the paperwork together and make an appointment with your accountant who is advising YOU.

It’s worth investing a few hundred pounds and some time now to get this all sorted out, so you know where you stand.

If you are going to be a couple then you need to underhand more about his business affairs. You say it’s a significant Part of his income and you also say you are good with money but you are naive. You need to get educated.

Remember - if he is a good risk and has security then banks will be happy to lend to him. And he wouldn’t have to ask you.

he said he would rather get the low interest and then pay that back.

Of course he would. In your name, at your risk.

It makes no sense to say I don't want to take money off you, but I do want you to take out a loan for me. It's still taking money off you, only potentially putting you in the shit.

This.

You need to ask him to ring stepchange today.

If he won't then he's still got his head in the sand which will be how he has accumulated debt while living beyond his means.

If he won't, ask yourself why. Does he really want to sort out his debts the right way? Or does he want another quick fix because he's panicking and your credit history and financial stability is collateral damage.

You have no debt and you have savings. For fucks sake do not give that up!!!!!

Yes PPs you're right I have no have no debt and a lot of savings. As someone mentioned earlier I will not be giving him the money. This is how it is going to work supposedly...

He had a lot of outstanding debts to which he had to take loans for. He then consolidated it into one loan which he is paying off - things like credit cards etc. He has a loan from the bank but the interest is now going up. He managed to find that one of the banks are doing really low rates but becuase of his own financial mess he isnt able to take this out himself. Which is where I come in. I apply for the loan from the bank, the funds come into my account and he transfers me the money every month which is a couple of hundred pounds.

Him and his sibling managed to buy the properties some 10 years ago with a big cash deposit from family businesses. This is where I mean he is smart he says cash is king (which is why he doesnt want me or his friend to lose our cash) and he would rather borrow (albeit on my name) I dont mind helping but his attitude to money is a bit shameless. I have a mortgage myself to which he did help me and i swiftly paid him back.

Him living friviously when he was younger has caused this debt that he is in. Now because of it I am resenting him - he seemed to be living extravagntly when he was younger now when it comes to us we are boxed in - there are no fancy dinners, partys etc - and thats due to his doing. Im not saying I want any of those things and it is great he is now living within his means but it has gone to an extreme. He wont spend on anything anymore because he is trying to sort his shit out but I am able to live comfortably but am being held back due to his choices.

Im 32 and he is 34 I want to start a family and start living properly but I fear again have I made the wrong decision? Apart from this our relationship is great he is positive, loving, caring but I have seen what money troubles can do to relationships.. do i throw it all away because of this?

OP,

You haven't the full story....not by a long shot..

He needs that money for something else...he's maxed out his ability to borrow...

Gambling perhaps?

You have three pages of women telling you that you are being lied to..

You value your hard earned financial prudence.

Your gut is screaming at you that this is not right...

Him crying and his hair falling out is the real clue that you don't have the full story...

He's deep in financial shit...and if borrow money for him or marry him...you are making the biggest mistake of your life.

Do not do this.

He is not telling you the truth.

Protect yourself.

Get a comprehensive credit check done on him...

If you go forward with this....you will regret it.

I wouldn't do it OP. I'd tell him to sell one of his houses and pay off the debt himself.

I'd then be very concerned that his attitude to money didn't match mine (and it's so important that you have the same approach ime), and I'd be very worried that if I wanted babies, maternity leave etc, I'd be reliant on someone with such a different approach to money than me.

And I'd never give up my job (well I wouldn't anyway, for any man actually).

If your approaches to money and savings and finances aren't aligned, you are asking for trouble further down the line ime.

and I'd completely resent having to live frugally because of his crap choices too! You'll have the choice that if you want to go out and do nice things, you'll be the one to fund it.

You say do you have to throw it all away as if your only choices are to agree to taking out a loan for him or break up.

Why can't you say no I'm not going to take out a loan for you, and stay together?

What if you break up?

What if you break up and he then declares himself bankrupt?

That is a very real possibility and one that leaves you saddled with debt / using your savings to pay off that debt.

It's very simple - what he is asking is a ZERO risk arrangement for him and a massive risk arrangement for you.

Do you feel if you say no he will break up with you? Thats the sense I get.

If that's the case then even more reason NOT to do it and to be honest. And if that's the case I would welcome a split because it would mean he's a selfish prick.

This debt isn't going to disappear. People who say things like "cash is king" aren't people who are good with money. They are people who think they are good with money because at some points they 'have' lots. Except they don't 'have' it. Because it isn't theirs if they're in debt.

Please don't be a mug, you are the same age as me. I want kids and don't have them yet because I haven't until now been with someone I trust to be an equal partner (that doesn't mean earning the same but taking equal accountability, responsibility, mutual respect and effort in a relationship) who would, with me, provide a stable and loving environment for children.

Love isn't enough.

Don't be a fool.

'He has a loan from the bank but the interest is now going up. '

This is not the way bank loans work. You apply for a loan, you are offered an amount of money at a particular rate of interest, and the interest rate and payments remain the same for the duration of the loan agreement. Rates do not go up during the loan term. I guess that loans from more dubious sources may be different...

This is where I mean he is smart he says cash is king (which is why he doesnt want me or his friend to lose our cash) and he would rather borrow (albeit on my name) I dont mind helping but his attitude to money is a bit shameless.

He fancies himself a right little wheeler dealer, doesn't he?!

How the fuck does it make sense to pay interest on large sums and have them hanging over you instead of paying things off?

Do you have a financial advisor? Speak to someone independent and qualified about the story he's feeding you. Have a look at the moneysavingexpert page and what they say about taking on debt when you have savings. Don't be a mug.

Basically he wants you to be responsible for £15K plus however many thousands the interest will be over the repayment period , instead of just £15K. In no world is that a sensible plan.

Have you told him you’re not prepared to do it? What happens then for your relationship?

If he can't pay back his current debts then he def can't afford to pay back an additional 15k.

He's spinning you a script - and it's not even a clever one.
He knows you have money - and he wants it one way or the other.
If you take out a loan he gets it....if he chooses to stop paying later "cos of the wedding" then you're forced to pay it out of your savings.
If you get married, does it become a joint household bill - so you still end up paying for something you don't get any benefit from?
If he's mean with money now....are you going to be financially carrying this whole relationship?

I think you got a chance to re-think marrying him.
He isn't telling you the full truth....you haven't even seen any documents....you're expected to take his word for it - and the risk is all on you.

Just wondering, if he splits the rental income with his sibling, that's still more than enough to pay off a monthly loan......