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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Someone please tell me what I'm meant to do here

242 replies

fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits · 30/03/2020 23:54

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible otherwise I'll be writing all day.

Background: been together a year, live together, 3 children between us, 2 are mine and one is his who comes each weekend. He's generally good to me. BUT..

Twice I have ended it with him due to his obsession with constantly touching me! So I can be doing something as mundane as stirring dinner and he will come and grab my bits, last weekend after a couple of weekend drinks he got heavy handed (as is normal) but in a joking way but he slapped my leg so hard that I retaliated badly, it makes me feel awful. He also ripped my jeans and top off me that same night, this is a regular occurance, he's destroyed many of my clothes/underwear.

I'd finally had enough a few weeks ago and ended things, he was beyond distraught, promised to stop it all, I know that breaking up with him would result in a spiral of issues for him so I very reluctantly agreed to give one last (second!) chance!

Tonight he has made a sly comment about me never wanting to have sex with him, has also jokingly gone to throw something at me, to the point I've flinched. I'm not a wallflower, I give him what for but it never stops. Now tonight he's saying I never allow him to make decisions with me which is just so untrue and now he has and issue with my 3yo coming into the bed in the night. I get the last one, but don't see the need for an argument over it.

I warned him last time anymore hurting me or pushing me too far would end the relationship, he's been 'good' the past 2/3 weeks but it's starting to escalate.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I fully KNOW this isn't normal. And I can't carry on! He will break if and when I end this. I just don't know what to do 😞

Sorry if there's lots of typos, I'm typing quick with him the other end of the sofa. Currenty not speaking.

OP posts:
Staypositivepeople · 31/03/2020 04:36

Hopefully op is asleep in her daughters room ,and will phone police in the morning.
Please up date us op ,when it’s safe to do so
We are all thinking of you

Incontinencesucks · 31/03/2020 04:40

Call the police definitely. Even if they can't cone until tomorrow you have a lifeline of hope. Fuck his emotional outbursts. Police, chuck him out, locks changed and report any harassment by him.

Good luck. This man is dangerous and cruel

HeyDuggeewatchadoin · 31/03/2020 04:43

Ugh Angry

Bilboard · 31/03/2020 04:55

Good morning OP
By the time you read this will the beggining of a new day. Make it count. Make it the beggining of a better life. You and your dc deserve the best.

Just take a small step towards how you want your life to be.

Don't overthink the different scenarios or the reactions/feelings of other people (including your mum).
You are responsable for you.
You know what you need to do.
Go for it.

ChilliMayo · 31/03/2020 04:56

I think in the present circumstances you can't do this without the police. It's not like you could ask family/friends to be present, or to come round afterwards or support.
You should have phoned them tonight while he's sleeping and told them about the abuse and that you can't keep him in with you during lockdown, as the days go on I think he will ramp it up and god only knows what's next on the list.
You need them to be there when you tell him, whilst he gets his stuff together and when he leaves. Then you need a priority put on your address in case he tries to come back during lockdown. They will also source a locksmith for you, it could be difficult to find one on your own. And they will protect your little girl during it.
You must do it, he clearly has some unaddressed mental health issues as you yourself acknowledge and these will not get any better in the weeks that follow.a

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 05:17

OP, if this is real why aren’t you answering the question as to why you feel you’ll have to leave your own house? That makes no sense.

Because she's scared of him and how he'll behave when her DD is still there - she thinks it's best to leave with her DD, get him out and then go back ..... are you usually this obtuse?

Hassling and haranguing someone distressed in a frightening situation - so many posters doing the same.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2020 05:24

Hope you got some sleep and can get him out of your house today op

notsuremate · 31/03/2020 05:46

Stay safe OP. Don’t try getting him out without somebody else with you. There were two reports of women being murdered by their partners yesterday. Go to your sisters and call police from there. We’re all here for you

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2020 06:05

Please let us know you’re ok. We are very frightened for you.

If you haven’t called the police yet, please do. 999 is the correct number. He’s dangerous. They will come. They will help. We are behind you. Flowers

PieceOfMaria · 31/03/2020 06:33

God god, this is horrific.

sammylady37 · 31/03/2020 06:38

I really despair of women who prioritize a man they hardly know and having a relationship, any relationship, over the welfare of their children.

What hope fo those poor children have?

CodenameVillanelle · 31/03/2020 06:43

Don't leave the house until you've called the police and you know they are on their way. Get your sister or someone to come and pick up your daughter and dog and take them out for a walk. Then call 999 and report that he has physically threatened and assaulted you and you need help to remove him immediately. Then get a locksmith out to change the locks.

Pandaponda · 31/03/2020 06:45

Hi OP, agree with PP. This is not normal, safe or OK. If you can’t call the police, call Refuge: the national domestic violence website and they will help you make a plan. Sending love and strength. This man is not your responsibility: the safety of you and your kids is.
08082000247

Pippinsqueak · 31/03/2020 06:47

As above has said.

You need to get this asshole out. I'd hate to even think about it but what if this behaviour isn't stopping with you and extending to your kids?

Bollocks to him and his issues

Call 999

REignbow · 31/03/2020 06:48

He’s escalating and using the ‘guise of “playing” to make you question yourself.

Get up, go your sisterS and phone the police there. Ask, that they escort you and remove him from your home.

Haveitheright · 31/03/2020 06:57

Yes take the poor dog with you. Pack the essentials, medication, change of clothes and go. When you get to your sisters inform the police so they are aware of the situation.

Beautiful3 · 31/03/2020 07:02

Oh my, why are you still with him? End iiiiiit now, kick him out. He is being abusive. I've been with mine for 20 years, he has never done any of those things to me. Dont feel bad for him. Let him go.

madcatladyforever · 31/03/2020 07:03

Police, police. police. Oh and also fuck his issues and mental health, he lost the right to those once he started attacking you.
Get the police in to turf him out, change the locks.

snowqu33n · 31/03/2020 07:05

He is saying “the script” they always say.
It’s sexual violence.
You don’t owe him any explanation.
Just take this one step which is to call the police.
Call the police and tell them you want him out of your house, but you have a young child and you are scared of how he will react. Follow their advice and get him removed.
Cut ALL contact with him forever.
He knows what he is doing is wrong.
If he gives you further trouble, then police again and make a statement about the violence.
Keep any evidence of ripped clothes, take photos of injuries etc.
If he was truly scared about a future without you he wouldn’t treat you this way.

madcatladyforever · 31/03/2020 07:07

DON'T leave your home, the police will remove him. They removed my first husband, marched him right out and he was never allowed to come back.
When you leave the home it causes all kinds of legal problems and you'll find it difficult to get your house back.

eternalopt · 31/03/2020 07:12

Hi OP. Read through this whole thread and I really hope you get the help you need today to get this man out of you and your daughters lives. Call the police. Get him removed. Use lockdown to your advantage to spend time with just you and your daughter healing and recovering. During lockdown, it would be very noticeable if he chased and scenes or tried to come back so you will have a good distance from him. Getting police involved now means you wouldn't have to explain it all or prove it all in the future if he returns to your house - they'll have it all on record and will stop him coming back straight away.

You can do this.

You need to do this

Put yourself and your family first and be strong.

Queenoftheashes · 31/03/2020 07:27

@sammylady37 your comment is revolting and unhelpful. OP is trying to flee domestic abuse wtf is wrong with you?
OP I agree with most people here that you need to involve the police. He sounds unhinged. Don’t feel responsible for his problems. He has well and truly made his own bed. He sounds vile and dangerous. His happiness is not more important than that of you and your children (or your safety). Get him out.

IchbineinBerlinner · 31/03/2020 07:27

I really hope you get rid of this man today. He is dangerous.

PieceOfMaria · 31/03/2020 07:27

my gut knows hes bad, he weirded me out when I met him. God knows why I carried on

Christ, I only just noticed this bit. What the fuck is the matter with some women? Seriously? Moving them in with small children? Jesus.

MiggyMoggyMoo · 31/03/2020 07:41

Good luck today lovely. Be brave Thanks