For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

No. Just go. I'm sure he'll work out what's happened when he sees that your stuff is gone.

You don't need to show an abuser consideration. You don't need to enter into any dialogue with him. Just contact the NCDV regarding a non mol based on the recent sexual assault. They'll guide you through the process. I would dial 101 and let the police know what's happened and give them your mum's address so they're aware of a possible incident should he show up. I would then start divorce proceedings and focus on your new life away from him.

He'll try and reel you back in. It usually starts with manipulation tactics, lots of tears, suicide threats, lots of self pity. It may then escalate to threats of violence on you or your family. That's why you need to prepare for that. He'll also threaten to take your child.

Don't listen to any of it. If you're concerned regarding suicide threats then contact the police for a welfare check. Make a note of all incidents and keep texts and messages as evidence. Contact the police if he threatens you and if he turns up at your mum's place. You need a solicitor trained in Domestic Abuse or with experience in it as abusers use the law to further manipulate and abuse.

Good luck! X

I work as a debt advisor for a debt charity. Just wanted to suggest that for anyone needing help with debt or budgeting there is free, impartial, non-judgmental advice out there.

I would suggest contacting Stepchange 0800 138 1111 www.stepchange.org

Or National Debtline on 0808 808 4000 www.nationaldebtline.org

I've spoken to several clients in similar situations to the posters in this thread. Just wanted to wish you all strength for the future x

@seekingfreedom all the best with your escape! Let us know when you're at your mum's and safe.

I'm at my mums now. Feeling confused, anger, emotional and so so scared.

You're really brave. Well done for leaving. You're going to be ok. Have you contacted the NCDV to get advice on injunctions, you might feel safer.

seekingfreedom well done!!! 💪🏼 Have you explained to your mum or not yet? Either way, let her look after you.

Beware, he will try and use everything in his power to persuade you to return. Spend time noticing and appreciating the feeling of being free of him, so that when he threatens, pleads, whatever else, you can contrast how you feel at your mum's with how you felt when you were living with him. Notice the change in your child too.

By far the easiest way (and it's still not that easy) is to divert any and all communications. It doesn't matter that he's your child's father either, at this point: that does not give him the right to continue abusing you.

I've told my mum bits, but it's enough to give her the picture. She wasn't surprised at the more 'less abusive' stuff as she had seen some of it herself. She was shocked at the sexual abuse bits though but she said I've made the right decision. Apparently, she had to stop my dad from saying something to my husband when we all went on a family holiday 3 years ago. Husband groped me alot in front of them, I don't recall anything but my mum was saying how horrified they were at the amount of groping. Just shows how accustomed I became to it.

Not contacted any helplines yet, will look at that tomorrow.

I can't believe I've done it.

Well done!

@seekingfreedom sounds like a very abusive relationship. I am so glad you got away. Please get some real life support and look into those injunctions. You've done so well.

@seekingfreedom I’m so relieved to hear you have left and delighted that your parents are supportive. Please continue to post as you navigate the coming weeks/months so you can get the support you both need and deserve.

Well done seekingfreedom, I was relieved to hear you have left and you have support there

I've posted on the coronavirus board so I hope no one minds if I paste here because I'm at the end of my tether and cant type it all out again. I've never written about it or talked properly.

I need to leave my relationship.
I have 3 kids but they are with their dad until this is resolved. Partner has 3 kids. They're not here for lockdown and I need to leave before things get back to normal.

I dont know how to even start though. I rang the domestic abuse line and they could put me in a womens shelter but I'd be miles from my kids (I normally have them 50% in holidays a bit less in term time) and they're the only things keeping me going. If I have to sit in a room alone with nothing miles from them I think itll tip me over the edge.

I've been called alsorts for the last year. My partner is also transgender. I've done nothing but support this and all I get in return is moods, lies or abuse.

I'm told almost daily now I'm ugly, stupid or shallow. I dont have my own opinions or thoughts. I'm a crap parent. I dont provide. I waste money (if I try to earn atm I'm barraged with abuse and accusations). I'm accused of cheating most days. They make fun of my teeth due to them being replaced after anorexia.

Theyve threatened to take away my make up and clothes, told me if I go I go with nothing and wouldnt let me sit down. When I couldnt sit more than a ft away from them earlier (they were spreading over the bed so I couldnt sit and do my make up) theyvr got enraged cuz I was using my toner water and it squirted on their arm. So they sprayed zoflora in my face and it went in my mouth nose and eyes.

Then threatened to report me to the police.

They tell me theyve logged alsorts of my apparent abusive behaviour but I'm not abusive. Sometimes I react after hours of baiting and abuse and these are held up as proof of my abuse, sent round friends and family. If I cry its videoed and sent to his ex etc

The flat isnt in my name and they have tried to throw me out every day since lockdown knowing I have no where to go.

I have no money and every time I get any I spend it on exactly what I'm told to and I'm then blamed for running out.

I cant see a way out. I dont know what to do or where to start. I dont want sympathy because I got myself into this and I've put up with things that I shouldnt have even before lockdown but can someone tell me who I can contact who's not going to take me miles from my kids?

I'm worried if I leave I'll be stuck for money. I've got about 50p in my account until the 5th. I could leave the day I'm paid but I'm worried I'll be arrested if partner reports and claims I've not sent them anything (I'd send them half even tho we only get more because I'm on Pip and UC sickness).

Can anyone advise please I cant even call anyone in private as we live in a one bedroom flat and I'm scared to go out incase they kick off and lock me out. My family dont live here so I'm just on my own.

@Mylittlepinkiepie I'm really sorry this is happening to you, it's wrong and it's abusive. You're really brave to share, I know how difficult it is to tell people.

You can't stay there. Can you do two things tomorrow. Contact your council. Your council will have a web page and I want you to look for their domestic abuse services. Google 'Brixton domestic abuse help' for example. Obviously, I don't know where you live so put in your area and what's available locally should come up.

They normally have joined up services, meaning that they can advise you on housing. You need to tell them that you're going to be homeless as you can't stay where you are and have nowhere to go and you need help. Take it from there. They may offer you emergency accommodation and you need to also apply for their housing register.

It's only for the time being while you sort yourself out. You're currently painting yourself into a corner and you need to take action so do that tomorrow first thing. Also get back in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation as well and get advice and support. They can help you fill out forms and advocate for you if the council aren't helpful.

There is a way out of this but it may be a bit bumpy for a while. If you don't act things are going to escalate and you could get hurt.

Let me know how the calls go tomorrow. In the meantime, pack a bag and hide it and take a look on how to make a safety plan on the first page of this thread. Don't let him know you are making plans to leave. Make the calls when one of you is exercising or shopping.

If he gets violent or threatens you dial 999.

@Mylittlepinkiepie if you simply can't make calls because he's there 24/7 and you don't want to leave the property then email instead. However, it's quicker and easier to call if you can.

I haven't rtft, and I don't know if my situation is as bad as 1 or 2 I did read, so feel bad posting on here.
Can't go into everything now as I'd be here all day.
He's lulled me into a false sense of security since the local down. He's been more calm and stable, out bursts all but disappeared.
Today two outbursts have happened, one being he ripped up my 8 year olds maths work he'd spent 1 hour on because he hadn't understood, asked for help and still didn't quite get it. So he ripped it up in front of him. Ranted and raved for 20 mins.

@jess3817 I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds very frightening for both you and your children.

Do you feel ready to leave or are you biding your time for now? I'm happy to advise.

There's no such thing as 'bad enough' abuse. It's all bad. You're welcome to post more if you want or to just ask for help when you feel ready.

@jess3817 I agree with the op that abuse is abuse no matter the severity. Please keep posting for support here. There’s another thread I started at the end of last year which may help those who for whatever reason can’t leave even once we are no longer in lockdown.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3772360-Support-thread-trapped-in-an-unhappy-relationship-and-can-t-leave-can-t-leave-yet

I’m hoping that both threads can continue to support people during this unprecedented time and throughout 2020.

Biding my time for now. Been together 10 years. I have 2 older children (14 and 12) from previous marriage) and my 2 younger children are his. He wasnt like he is now until my 8 year old turned 2, it got gradually worse. Then worse since my 5 year old came along. He has to be in control of everything but sometimes makes me think it's my idea, so it's him controlling me / us. If that makes any kind of sense. He likes to control time and when I see family and friends but, again he doesn't stop me, it has to be done on his terms. Time - obbessed with things being done when he thinks they should be- or if plans have been made, and someone's late he makes a big issue of it causing an atmosphere. ( this is the tip of the iceberg) the main thing is the anger and the outbursts. He shouts. Calls us names. He breaks things. Slams the doors. Does things like the ripping the homework incident. It's often over and done within 5 mins, but because I get upset, he turns it round saying I'm causing the issue because I can't let it go and move on .
It sued to be 2 times a year, up until recently it was more like twice a week maybe 3 times a month. Last year I started cutting myself after it happened ( I haven't done that since September time btw) I've called him up on his behaviour. Talked to him til I'm blue in the face. He says this is him he's not changing for anyone. I think because I haven't left him yet he doesn't care anymore. I feel like I've caused this. Of I try and talk to him about it now, he says I'm nagging him about the same old bull shit. I've asked him to get help on many occasions. He used to says yes. Never did. Sorry for the long reply and that's it's all rambled.

First, this isn't your fault, no matter how much he tells you that it is. It's perfectly normal and right of you to get upset at this behaviour.

Your self harm is very worrying. Do you have any support for that?

Have you done the Freedom Programme OP? It's better done in a group but you can do it online, perhaps with the idea of doing the group after lock down. You can find it here.

The only option here is to leave as he's abusive and his behaviour is having a serious affect on your mental health. It will also be affecting the children. He's abusive and has no intention of changing his behaviour.

Perhaps take it a step at a time and make some plans, gather advice and information until you feel ready to act. Does that sound like something you could do?

@jess3817 that sounds like bad abuse to me and that you are so used to it that it doesn’t seem bad to you anymore. You’ll never be able to speak to him or get him to take any responsibility, it’s really hard to accept that. None of it is your fault and all of it is his plan, he wants to crush your spirit, please don’t let him.

I'm so sorry everyone, I've done something stupid and gone back to him. He pulled my heartstrings so much, promise the world etc I know it won't happen and my mum wasn't happy but I supposed he talked me into it.

I feel so stupid. I'm sorry x

I have told 1 friend about all of this, after 1 particularly bad time, poured my heart out in tears. And about the self harm. She told me to text her every time something happened so that I didn't get the urge to do it. So up til Oct / Nov I did and now I haven't done anything like that at all since then.
I have got use to it yes. Wich makes me feel awful and evil. He doesn't pyhsically hurt anyone ( this dosent make a difference I know)
I will look at the freedom programme thank you.
I issued him a ultimatum this afternoon wich I think through him a bit.
I can't do anything about leaving during this lock down. I'm self employed less than 3 years so getting no help whatsoever, ok money wise until july, and we rent our home. Been here 10 years. Can't go to my mums with 4 kids as 90 year old nan lives there. And step dad has parkinsons.
Was in process of trying to get ducks in a row before all this corona virus.

@seekingfreedom don't feel stupid, it's very common to go back. How are things at the moment? At least your mum knows so you have that support, it's awful when it's a secret.

@jess3817 the ultimatum won't change him. You can still get information and advice. Can you contact Turn2Us tomorrow? They can give you advice on any money from government grants available to you.
0808 802 2000

Yes, take a look at the Freedom Programme, I think you'll find it helpful.

Also have a look at Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft which many people find useful to understand their situation. I believe it's knocking around free on pdf somewhere.

You can leave because of abuse and you can also rent. It might be an idea to phone Shelter about your housing options when you feel ready.

I get the feeling that you aren't quite there yet. Keep posting here for support.