For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@12345kbm no I know it won't 😐 I will try and find the link you suggest and read it, thank you.
I will keep posting. I know if I was reading this about someone else/ my daughter I'd know what I'd be saying. It's hard because no one knows he's like this. He's also not like it all the time. He's like a 'normal' person, until he turns ( again, I know this makes no difference)

@jess3817 You've taken the first step in coming forward and telling people about it. That's hard. You're also looking for advice and help. You are doing something about your situation.

If you can contact Turn2Us today that's a great first step. Tell your partner that you're concerned about money and were advised to call them. He needn't know why you're calling. They can tell you about benefits, any grants available to help during lock down and can give you other information.

In the meantime, take a look at the Lundy Bancroft book and the Freedom Programme.

Keep posting here for support and advice. You're more than welcome. Just take it one step at a time. No one is asking you to doing everything all at once. Quietly gathering information and advice is very empowering. It means that you have all the info you need to make an informed decision.

I'm really tired so probably shouldn't ramble on now but I just saw your post @jess3817 and wanted to say you shouldn't think your situation isn't as bad as other people and it's maybe not right to think about leaving or getting help. I hope I'm making sense. It felt so familiar some of the things you wrote about (I had it growing up as well as now), things like ripping up the homework. That's really bad. It makes you on edge all the time when they do things like that. I've had my partner be really violent but it's the stuff like that and the smashing things and shouting and nasty words that mess me up more I think. I wish I'd realised sooner but someone on my old thread told me to not wait until things got worse. I do that too, what you do. Thinking it's not as bad as some people's situations and I don't need help as much. Its stupid to advise you when I didn't take the advice myself but it's so much easier telling someone else. Don't end up like me. I lost my confidence so much and then my health got bad. What your partner has already done is bad enough. Abuse of you and your child. I'm sorry I hope you don't think I'm pressuring you to leave if you don't feel ready. I know also how difficult it is to actually leave at the moment. I hope you can leave. It's a horrible way to grow up so don't worry about taking your child away from him. He's not a good dad to do what he's doing. I know the DV services are so busy now but you can email them if you can't get through on the phone. Because he's abusive to your child too, if you can't leave they will help you have him removed. I know you may not feel safe staying though. I feel like that but in case your situation is different I thought I'd say.

I don't have an update for my own situation. It sounds awful but lockdown is good for me. I feel safe. I'm trying to think about what to do when it finishes. I don't want to bother the services until I really need them as they're so busy at the moment. I know I'm scared to leave with the housing fears and the virus and scared to start again and scared to lose what I know and I'll miss him but I'm trying to think through things and be prepared if I need to.

@seekingfreedom I'm so sorry you went back. It's so hard though. I haven't even managed to leave once so you're doing much better than me. I hope you're ok.

@plantlife I'm really glad you're ok and feeling safe. Thanks for reporting in as I was concerned about you. You do know your options, so it's just a matter of pushing through the fear and acting. There is support available to you and it would help if you contacted the Women's Trust and looked into therapy as advised, it might give you the self belief to take care of yourself.

Being abused is physically, mentally, emotionally and chemically addictive. You will eventually make a choice that living with him is worse than living without him. Then you will go through withdrawal. That’s why you go back, it’s deeply painful without knowing why, you get accustomed to living in this state. Withdrawal is physically and mind altering scary but you will get through it after time. I still find myself thinking oh god this is worse then being abused, then I read or remember some of the occasions and think no just hang on in there. These men force there belief systems onto us, without conscious choice we start then believe them, there really isn’t much choice. You are thinking about him and his actions based on his belief system. With time after leaving you will get a shock like me at just what you’ve been living in. Then that’s another kettle of fish to deal with! Just keep an idea in your head of what you feel you want to live like. Do you want to feel safe or do you want to try and control a man into making you feel safe? Remember you can’t control others and you absolutely cannot control a man who is incapable of caring about your feelings. He is incapable of being interested in how you feel, he just cares about how you make him feel! If you make him feel happy he will be happy, if you do not then you will be in trouble, but you will forever be controlling your life for him.

@Fightingback16 it's so lovely of you to take the time to help others. And you're right, it is addictive.

@seekingfreedom I hope you're ok. Please let us know how you are.

@12345kbm hi, sorry for the delay in replying, I haven't had rung them yet but did look on the website and followed the instructions to see what I'd be entitled for if anything, 2 I'm not, one is for 16 - 26 year olds, the other one is for people with a degree. The 3rd one, has to be refered by another party, like from the CAB, so not sure that's any help at the moment? I have a chance to read a little of link you recommeded. Not had chance with the freedom programme yet- I have 4 kids here, I'm attempting to home school at the mo, so alot going it, but I promise I will go to it . @plantlife of course I don't mind, any advice is gratefully accepted, it's nothing I don't know already . The guilt eats me alive when I think about the spiteful things he's said about and to the kids. He is quite careful as he is more, agressive in his body language and voice to me when he's having one of his outbursts ( he doesn't hit/ touch us) and has, up til this week, been trying to keep a lid on his temper while the kids were around and taking it out on me verbally, wich, I obviously rather happen ( I know it's not good)
I am taking everything youce all said on board, please don't think I'm not, and I will, at some point leavehim. I know, that before the other day, just because it's been 'good' recently, it's not going to last.It never does.
I feel totally ashamed of myself. And no one, apart from my friend knows. Everyone loves the bloke and thinks he's great. I've been working on myself to make things better for me and the kids when I leave, I left a job a hate last summer, and set up my own little business so I know I can supprt myself, and, I had also started drinking reguarly in the evenings, after the kids were in bed, to blot things out, but I've stopped that and not had any for 50 days, so I know that can't come back on me, a swtich has gone off in my head about that.
I'm not trapped by him about the practical things..If anything he is by me, but it is guilt tripping me, wich it shouldn't after everything he's done. ( sometimes I think he doesn't think what he says/ shouts is anything wrong!) The rent aggrement is in my name. I earn the money. He's been at home with the kids for 5 years after being made redundant, no amount of persuasion can get him to get a job. There always an excuse.I can't get one/ in what though? / when starts school/ when he starts year1/ I can't now because my shoulder isn't better yet ( broke it)/ can't now due to corona. You get the idea. He has no bank account. He got made bankrupt about 20 years ago and seems to think he can't have one, my friend whose an accountant says otherwise and it's another ex use.
Anyway. Sorry for the long message . Hope you're all keeping safe

@jess3817 I don't have time to fully answer you right now but please, please don't feel ashamed of yourself.

It's really good news that you have a business, you've stopped drinking and the place is in your name.

What we have to do is work on you building the confidence to remove him from the house.

@12345kbm @plantlife thankyou both.

He is following me around like a lost puppy, everytime I touch my phone he is questioning what I am doing, he keeps telling me how close he was to ending his life etc. However, we now have seperate bedrooms with no sex or touching. So far that bit is working, but the suffercation from being around me all the time is getting too much. I manage to talk him into staying at home while i went to the shop today (only for milk) and he made me promise that I would come back within 30 minutes. I was back within 10 minutes and then he made a big song and dance about how much he missed me in front of our son.

I am just letting these dramas slide for the time being, I know he is just trying to take back control. But I am still writing everything down.

He also thinks I am mentally ill and made me book a doctors appointment. When the doctor rang, I got up to answer the phone in another room and he followed me, promting me what to say to the doctor. She has prescribed anti depressants but I am not taking them, I am not ill at all. The doctor wants a follow up appointment in a few weeks, he should be back at work then so I will be able to have a proper conversation with her. Feel like such a fraud but when I said to him I am not ill he just said you are and that I can not see it. End of.

@seekingfreedom thanks for letting us know you're ok. It's often the case that when you return the abuse ramps up, which he's doing. Be careful he doesn't take your phone. Can you order another one? It would be a good idea to have a back up.

The no sexual assault promise won't last long and, as is often the case, the abuse may actually get worse. Of course he's saying you're mentally ill, he's gaslighting you. He'll make out that you're seeing things so that if you do report him for rape, he'll have evidence of you being 'psychotic'.

You were told that he'd threaten suicide to manipulate you as well. So far, it's pretty text book stuff. It will escalate though so be careful. He's planning a way of punishing you for daring to leave.

@seekingfreedom please be careful. I wish so much that you would go back to your mums house.

I'm too tired to post much so I'm sorry for not replying properly. Please don't feel guilty @jess3817 It's not you it's him. I feel so deeply ashamed too. It's strange because looking at your posts I can see so clearly it's not you that should be ashamed but him, but I can't stop feeling so ashamed about my own situation. I hope you can get away again @seekingfreedom I think it's good you're going to tell the doctor the truth. My partner tries to say it's all me being mental and I think he's maybe tried to speak to my doctor to say I am. He convinced the police I was. I know I shouldn't advise because I haven't left but I really hope you do leave again soon. I've lost so much confidence to try after staying so long. The control gets worse too. It's so hard though to leave.

Anyway sorry for asking advice again. I can't think straight about my own situation. I started feeling really confident and more in control but he was a bit horrible in messages and I think maybe I should try to leave before the lockdown is over? I don't know if I've got the courage. I've been inside for months before the lockdown really and now with being at more risk from the virus it's even more scaring me. I suppose I could ask if there's any hope of me being found a place I'd feel safe in? It's probably too much to ask? They probably don't have anywhere anyway because of being inundated. That's what I wanted to also ask. As they're so busy now I don't know if I should wait and not contact them until he's back? I'm thinking only need to leave immediately if it gets bad and if it's ok I can wait until things are less difficult so more chance of going somewhere I feel ok in. They're so busy with immediate emergencies. I think I'm going round in circles. I'll try to think straight tomorrow.

I'm so sorry. I can't sleep. I'm really messed up with normal routines. I'm confused. I thought I'd been making baby steps and recovering a tiny bit but now I'm not sure. I think I was being too cocky.
Im not sure I'll ever it normal and get it right to fit in with normal world. I don't know why I'm like this. Sorry I'm not making sense. I let myself start to forget the situation and relax but now I realise it's maybe not ok. I fel guilty to think this but a feeling of fear in my stomach came after messages with him today. It's like the familiar fear and anxiety I've not had for the lockdown is back. I was very anxious still during this time but not in the same way. I felt like a sinking stomach feeling today. The feeling I have with him, feeling defeated and controlled and on edge and scared.
I keep thinking about things he's done to me and can't stop thinking about them. I feel unfair to not let go of the past. I don't know how rational being scared of him is. Is fair when he's being so nice mostly and he'd be so hurt if I left. It's not like regular beatings. He's so good to me a lot. More than anyone else I've had really. What if it's me just scared he'll give me the virus?.It's not his fault and he'd probably be really kind and look after me but I'm panicking if he would be awful. He's been bad when I'm ill but ages ago. I really do think he loves me even if he loses his temper at times. My parents love me despite being violent and emotionally abusive when I was young. Maybe its not impossible to be abusive but still care. He may want to be ok and not hurt me again. I don't need to wind him up. I don't deliberately but I can't seem to help it. I don't know if I'm still in need of being so scared of him. Is it unnecessary. Am I refusing to let go of the past. What if there's no real need to be scared. I want to be ok with him and safe and care about eachother. Is it mental health making me unable to get past old events. Im so lucky to have what I have. Someone there for me, who cares, looks after me, hugs, and all my home comforts. A lovely proper bed, nice Bedlinen(special to me but cheap so not about money) little everyday things in my bedroom, towels, clothes, food, my own kitchen, bathroom, bath, I have so much. Is it worth loosing if it's just my own mental health if not getting over past incidents that aren't that common. Sorry for such a ramble.

Your parents were abusive and so is he.
You either get help, break the cycle and leave or are condemned to feel like this for ever.
Your mental health isn’t great at least partly because he’s abusive. You will never be well and happy with him.
Your safety and MH are worth more than home comforts. Which you can find again somewhere else. Somewhere without abuse.

@plantlife come on, you know the answer to all those questions. Yes, he's abusive. Yes, those feelings of anxiety in your stomach are real and it will just start up all over again once you're back with him.

You have a right not to live in fear. You have a right to be treated kindly by people, most of all your partner who should love and cherish you.

It will all just start up again once lockdown is over and you need to get out. Get in contact with the other domestic abuse organisation, tell them you need help leaving and take it from there. You also have the details for Shelter and the council.

You can do this, make some calls today.

@plantlife you also need to get your sleeping back into proper night/day patterns because it's detrimental to your mental health to sleep during the day. You'll feel a lot better once you're not up all night. Try and sort it out this weekend.

I'm really sorry to ask more questions. I'm sorry if I'm repeating them. I can't think straight and my health condition is flaring up and I'm hot and tired. So I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. It's so hard and frightening and I'm so used to be inside now. He likes me being inside and then with my health or when I had an injury I couldn't go out. I know I need to get over it. It just feels safe and if I knew for sure not antagonising him would work I'd definitely just stay. This sounds really awful and horrible but I think maybe I should ask. He's not that bad and it's only occasionally bad but I think if he knew I was on here he'd kill me. I'm probably exaggerating it in my head. I just want to ask wouldn't anyone be furious if they thought someone close to them was betraying them like that? Even any of you. You'd be so hurt and angry. Anyway the other question is practical. Do you really think I can be found somewhere safe? I was reading other threads and on the news and it's all saying DV services are inundated and struggling to find places to put women. There's a thread where it says a hotel offered to put women up but the government said no. Please don't be angry. I just need a realistic idea. I'm safe for now and think I should try to be in as ok as possible position if I leave. The housing application decision is delayed because of the virus but that's probably my best chance.

You’re not safe now. No one can give you an exact address where you end up. You just need to take the leap. There’s little worse out there than a man who has threatened to kill you.
And honestly? How much are you physically unable to go outside and how much of it is a mental thing?

I can absolutely guarantee you it’s a mental barrier.

At the moment it's mental I suppose but also because of the virus. I know I'm not in the extremely vulnerable group but I am in the vulnerable group and I've seen threads saying my health conditions maybe very high risk. Before the virus it was partly because he doesn't want me out but also I was genuinely physically unable to for ages with my health and injuries. I'm sorry for being so frustrating. In going to try to get my sleep more normal and maybe be more confident on Monday. Today I was thinking about the viewings I didn't go to. I feel ok to do that now. I think him being around made my confidence go too much. I wish they'd been when he was away. I don't want to bother the DV charity when I'm safe for now. They're so busy and other women need to leave immediately. That's why I don't know if I should call on Monday.

I hope I'm making sense. I admit it became a mental barrier and also fear of him being angry but it genuinely was physical for so long. I was ready mentally at that point but physically couldn't go.

My mental health gave me M.E, my aches and pains have gone the last few months. Your mental health is effected by him and it’s directly related to your physical health and it’s keeping you stuck there in a vicious circle.

Honestly I think you’re looking for a reason to stay. You’ve been invited to view housing then didn’t want to because it was ground floor. You’ve contacted charities but because they can’t give you cast iron guarantees that (for instance) you wouldn’t have a shared bathroom then you’ve not taken the next step. One minute you’re scared of him and the next it’s not that bad.
I honestly don’t believe that the physical stuff makes it physically impossible to leave. I think it’s an excuse and not a reason.
I really wish you’d stuck with the freedom programme as was recommended to you on a previous thread plant.