For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@plantlife you’re not safe. And they would have waited until you called them back. Not contacted you. What if he had picked up and got so angry that he killed you?
The virus? Not as much as a threat to you as him. Why on earth email a charity and ask about their arrangements re the virus. You either say you need to get out. Or leave them to help people who are focused on trying to leave.

I've spoken with HR at work, they are going to put me on furloughed status, once I have the paperwork I will not have to worry about work until the 1st June. Massive weight off my shoulders and I can really concentrate on leaving.

@plantlife refuges are keeping people safe as best they can. They are separating people who are self isolating, meals are being delivered for them outside their doors etc

I'm sorry you didn't get a response but DV organisations are inundated right now.

@seekingfreedom you're amazing. Going from strength to strength. I hope those lurking can gather strength and hope from you in order to get away.

I really am sorry for wasting people's time. I didn't mean to come across as blaming refuges. I know they're doing everything they can. It's not their fault the government doesn't give enough funding to DV services or housing. I'm not trying to be difficult but I suppose I am. It's not their fault I have all my issues. I'm definitely safe during lockdown and then I'll just have to see what happens. I don't want to die from the virus. I don't want to die but most importantly I don't want it go be a horrible way of going. It's not the charities fault but being higher risk from it and in the worse part of the country for it means leaving, if you can't drive, is dangerous. I have to make a choice of the least bad option. If I have to ask for help, I'll cross that bridge if it happens. Hopefully they can find me somewhere safe if it's urgent and hopefully I'll be safe using a cab with a mask. They're so busy right now, I don't need to waste their time asking impossible questions. I was posting mainly to speak out really in the tiny hope it helps change things for the better for other women. Just in case I don't make it. More because of the virus than him.

@plantlife what you're doing is really common and you don't have to keep apologising. It's natural to be frightened of leaving in normal circumstances, never mind when a virus is raging. Your ambivalence is hardly surprising and you've been doing really well.

Refuges are abiding by protocols and keeping people isolated where necessary. You're being really hard on yourself and there's no need. Your life is just as important as anyone else's and if you're looking to be housed outside London it will be a lot easier.

I wish I could come and help you as you need a handhold and some reassurance. It's exactly what a DV organisation will do for you, advise and support you. I wish you'd get in contact with that other DV organisation and reach out for help. You don't have to act on the advice but it's good to know what's available to you should you need it.

Thank you. I really wish I could demonstrate/prove how much it makes me feel better knowing there are some kind people out there. Thank you. I can't help apologising because I'm genuinely sorry for being difficult, wasting people's time, and making decisions that sound awful to many people. I know this sounds bad but I'd much rather be hit than be homeless or very bad housing, or die of the virus. He won't kill me but even if he was that type of abuser (he's not) it would be quicker and less distressing then the virus. I read how it kills people. I should've maybe tried harder before the virus but I didn't. I think also it's too late for me anyway in that it's too late to rebuild my life. Because of how longstanding this sort of life has been for me, and financially, and everything really.

I don't see much of a way out for me. The biggest danger isn't bruises that go away, it's him infecting me. But being unable to drive means leaving also carries that risk. Every time I read of herd immunity or lockdown lifting I feel sick. I know that I likely won't survive (the virus, not him directly). That's why I want to post whilst I can. It's my chance to speak out before it's too late.

There is a chance an 80% chance of getting mild to no symptoms at all. Those at higher risk are mostly immune repressed or have heart problems. Sorry I don’t know your particular situation.

There are very very few conditions that mean you would be highly unlikely to survive.
Despite being “high risk” in several ways I’ve not got a letter telling me to stay in for 12 weeks!!
Few people are realistically in that situation.
Saying you would rather be dead than move out is a really strange view to take.

I slept so well last night, just having the weight of work lifted off my shoulders mean that I didn't wake up when I heard the car pull up on the drive (He is on nights this week), normally I wake up and then dread the next 30 minutes till he comes up to bed. I woke up at 930am! I couldnt tell you the last time I slept in that late. I also didnt hear him come to bed, thankfully he must have been shattered and he also fell asleep and left me alone.

Had a lovely day with my son, we did some school work and baking, just us two, having a lovely time. Then husband woke up and the mood changed. We had to watch what he wanted to watch on tv (old ww2 films/history programmes), little one went to play in his room to keep away from him. When he left for work an hour ago, the mood lifted again to a chilled out happy home.

I manage to speak to an old friend last night, not spoke in over 11 years. We had a lot of laughs and remember whens etc it was so good to catch up. He knows everything now and basically told me a few home truths which has given me so much strength. I just need to do it. Need some strength from somewhere.

@seekingfreedom this is no life. I'm not sure what's keeping you there now that you are off work. Have you made enquiries into the injunctions?

You need to leave for your son, every single day he has to go through this is chipping away at him. Your son needs to be brought up in a happy, peaceful home not with a dad who's sexually abusing his mum and treading on egg shells everyday.

Have you spoken to your mum yet? Come on now, you can do this. Deep breaths, get those bags and go.

@plantlife you have another three weeks reprieve to keep gathering information and advice. Five women a week have died since the lockdown and that doesn't include those maimed and beaten to within an inch of their lives.

I read about a woman stabbed twice in the face by her partner. Do you really want to risk that? Just because you don't think he'll kill you. How many of those women now dead thought that? Of course he's capable of it. You're being wilfully naive.

@12345kbm not spoken to my mum yet. Its my late Dads birthday today, the first milestone since he passed in December. My mum was in bits today, I couldnt give her my stress too. I will see how she is tomorrow then decide.

If you were my daughter I would be devastated I didn't know you were suffering like this already and I would want you safe with me. Please tell her x

@seekingfreedom sorry to be so blunt but your mum has already lost her husband please get yourself to safety so she doesn’t need to bury her child too.

@seekingfreedom I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you're ok today. I know it's hard but you're half way there. You'll wonder why it took you so long once you're out. You don't have to tell her, perhaps just say you've fallen out with your husband and had to get away for a while. I'm sure she'd like the company and the distraction of her grandson.

I know how hard it is but you know you have to do it and there's no better time than now. It's going to be a beautiful day today and the first day of your freedom from abuse. Please don't discuss leaving with him as you are most vulnerable when leaving.

I'm wishing you strength and willing you on.

@seekingfreedom my dad passed away 2 years ago so I understand how you must be feeling. In the end it became a massive force for me to change me life. I hope your mum will be supportive to you. I moved in with my mum, it was about 10 months after his death, I think it gave her something else to think about, me and my 2 year old dd!

I am just typing up a letter to him - is that a good idea? I suppose he needs to know why I've left as he will only try and call (will block) until he gets an answer.

When he got home this morning he comes over for cuddles in bed, I just pushed him off me, cant bear his touch. I claimed I was too warm and then my phone pinged - ohhh is that your boyfriend letting you know he got home ok after spending the night with you. I replied - No, its a notifcation that I forgot to take off my calendar about you working overtime tonight.

Every day he accuses me of having a boyfriend or sleeping with the milkman when i refuse his advances. It gets very boring very quickly.

I am so scared but I know I need to do this.

Personally I wouldn’t write a letter, it will hit a brick wall, he already knows what he is doing and it will only give him ammunition to reply. When I left I simply said, this is over and I’m going. Then he sent me hundreds of apologies stating that he was sorry for being aggressive etc so clearly he knew why I left without me needing to say anything. Just concentrate all your energy on leaving and staying away. You don’t owe him an explanation, you will never get any closure, it’s hard.

Do not write him anything.

@seekingfreedom Please do not write him a letter. Don't tell him that you are planning on going. The majority of women seriously hurt or murdered by their partner or former partner were hurt when leaving or in the first year of leaving.

I know you're scared and I'm happy to give you support and advice and do what I can to help but don't tell him you're leaving.

You're doing the right thing here. Have no doubt.

Please get to your mum's place and contact a domestic abuse organisation as you need real life support and advice.

I don't usually advise blocking the number of the abuser as 1. their abusive texts and messages can be used as evidence. 2. you are made aware of their intentions and can plan accordingly for example, 'I'm coming to your mum's to get you.' You can contact the police and tell them that your abusive ex is on his way over.

Just divert his number to 'messages only'.

Once you're at your mum's, don't let him into the property and if he comes to the property dial 999. I also advise you to contact the NCDV and ask them about a Non Molestation Order to keep him away from you.

im going to leave tonight once he has gone to work, he doesn't know I am leaving and will only find out at 7am tomorrow morning when he gets home.

In his eyes our relationship is all cosy and rosey, shouldn't I at least leave a note on a peice of paper to say ive left instead of a letter? Husband - we are over. Nice and simple so he gets the message?

@seekingfreedom please be careful.

I have said it already, but a friend of mine is a maxillofacial surgeon, 2 out of 3 of his cases he operated on the other day were dv. Just really got to me for some reason.