Dating Thread 187 - Love in the Time of Corona

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Could you let him miss you for a change and just stop texting him first for a while, change things up for yourself and him? His response suggests he’s fed up with lockdown and not in a flirting mood that’s all. I don’t think he can give you what you want right now, that doesn’t mean he never will. Wanting someone to want you is not a bad thing but it’s about what you want/need and not about the other person at all. If he was sleazy texting you every night it would make you feel a bit cheap. So normal conversation is ok too

I'm not going to be texting him until he messages me. Think I'm just going to pull back a bit with my energy level. I know he is fed up with lockdown and he isn't the only one. All we do at the moment is have normal conversation if I can even call it that. I'm not just doing flirty texts to him, it was just to break up the monotony that has become conversation of late.
I'm still worried that he is just going to get bored of me and not want to see me when this is all over. That's the risk I have to take though. I suppose if he doesn't then it should be his loss and I will have to deal with it if it comes to that

@Dancerinthemoonlight I think @Menora is right, just because he isn't flirty now, doesnt mean he can't give you that in the future. Especially as you have already met/had a great time together so I'd say the groundwork is there.

So I deleted my chat after reading this thread as I was also left hanging yesterday afternoon after a suggestive joke! And lo and behold, I get a "good morning gorgeous" today. I'm a bit lost with the mixed signals!

@Dancerinthemoonlight, I think at the moment Mr Army is in the zone with work. He may be a very practical guy who isn't one for flirty or mushy texts, particularly given the circumstances in which they are working and living. I don't think any of us who are feeling a bit unsure about where things are heading with irons we met before lock down will get any answers until such time as we are technically free again to do as we please.
@Eesha, always nice to get the first text of the day. I think it tells you that you are in his thoughts and not to read too much into other times when he doesn't reply promptly etc. Again it'll be after lockdown that you will be able to really get the measure of him.

@Dancerinthemoonlight he’ll be bored of the lockdown by the end of this - but desperate to see you! Waiting it out is horrible though.

@Eesha deleting and waiting is definitely the best approach at this stage. It’s a pain. He may have been talking to someone else, he may have got stuck in to a game, he may have fallen asleep. You’ll never know. Are you talking to anyone else, diversifying the risk as it were?

Mr Mad has been in touch, to tell me he is going to be a Grandad. I congratulated him and said I was expecting to be a grannie in about 9 moths as my DDs are literally doing nothing but shag. Feeling really old. This time last year we spent a weekend in a hot tub together 😂

@Dancerinthemoonlight I had the same timeline with Mr Beard then ... amazing sex on the Friday, lockdown on the Monday.

We also went quickly from frankly filthy texts to the sort of conversation I used to have with my mother in law about what we had for dinner after a week or so of memes and messages about initial shock of lockdown. Then a period of me providing emotional support and not getting loads back.

I have thought about pulling back/deleting him so many times, because am not used to having feelings and frankly don't like the emotional jeopardy, but I can't, and actually now we seem to be getting back on track with some great phone calls and he's back to outrageous flirting if not actual sexting (which would be too frustrating atm).

I do wonder if I would be quite as invested in him if I had my busy life back and I guess I'll never know. I can't imagine him fitting into my life in a lot of ways, he is so different from all my friends, and now the enforced lockdown means I don't have to consider that, I only need to relate to him one on one IYSWIM.

At the same time, if I could still physically see him our chemistry was off the scale, so maybe I'd have a dilemma whatever. I do think I'd find lockdown easier if I hadn't fallen so hard for someone beforehand though, the timing sucks. Sympathy to everyone in the same boat, especially now it has been extended...

And @TigerDater I am actually talking to loads of other people to diversify the risk. But it isn't working, I am not fooling myself at all. I just see it as damage limitation. And I also feel disloyal as talk to Mr Beard every day, and I'd be upset if I thought he had other irons. All it would take would be for him to confirm we are actually in a relationship, and I'd stop, but we aren't quite there yet and I can't ask. 🙈

I need to learn to regulate my emotional responses to things a bit better. It’s so hard. As of now I have no emotional connection or investment to anyone so it’s all fine if people don’t reply or contact me again. I don’t want to try to be someone I am not but the doubt creeps in whether I am making life harder for myself. IRL and OLD I am fun and silly, naturally, not forced. But I don’t want to sext or sexual texting or anything with someone I’ve never met I do actually want to get to know them so perhaps I am giving off the wrong vibes? Maybe I need someone to look at my profile for me? It is just simple and silly but then if I am looking for more than a hook up should it be deeper?

I'm happy to look at your profile @Menora ... unless you prefer one of the men to do it for a Male POV?

@TigerDater yes I'm working on actively chatting to others rather than getting angsty about someone I have never met. I think it's because I had gotten a bit used to chatting regularly and then just seemed to be less so! Deleting really helped!

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Agree competely with all that posters who say give him space. Every single time I read your message it’s laden with he hasn’t text as much he’s tired, or he can’t video call he’s about to be on the frontline- so you basically making excuses for him. Utter socks asks a very important question - would you be so invested if it wasn’t this lockdown ?

Give him some space he doesn’t need reminding you are there. His response about it will be ages yet spoke volumes.

@TigerDater I suppose that's what I don't know and am concerned about, that he won't be desperate to see me because we never had the exclusive chat and I now can't. I'm not nieve anymore to think just because he is going on dates with me and sleeping with me that he isn't talking to others. I'm just going to have to wait and see and I hate that. I'm not the most patient person in the world.
@Onesmallstep67 he sometimes did do the flirty texts but isn't one for mushy texts. You are probably right though that he is just in the zone with work.
@uttersocks we do have a very similar timeline. How long had you been seeing Mr Beard for? I thought about telling Mr Army where to go last night but I didn't. Just waiting and see if he gets in contact with me. I hate to say that the conversation is boring at the moment as there isn't much to talk about like there used to be. I don't want to stop talking to him though and I want to see him as soon as I can when lockdown ends. But just because lockdown ends doesn't mean his part in it ends so I don't know what that will mean for dating.

Trying to remain patient and like he is in another country and not 20 miles away

Would someone please look at my profile?
I get a few matches but I kid you not I’ve heard this from 3 different guys - I’m not sure you know what you are looking for, you have your guard up, you are sitting at the ocean looking at the water but haven’t decided to dip in . And no these weren’t the dic pic senders- all seemed to be decent guys, intelligent and willing to chat.

@Myfabby I honestly don't know if I would be or not. I'd be busy with other things but I haven't liked someone this much in a long time.
We both aren't huge callers and our preferred communication method is texting. That's the ways it's always been, that hasn't changed.

@Eesha

I’m glad deleting helped I am now doing this all the time! Mr M wouldn’t let me delete our messages exactly as he liked to keep them to quote them back to me in what he thought was romantic ways like you do Facebook memories. But this meant I was always checking for blue ticks and online status. Clearing chats or archiving them just puts the control back to you

@UtterSocks
I’m happy for anyone to look Male or female! How do I show you 😂

@Menora I'm happy to look at your profile. I think it's difficult to get the balance right between something short and funny versus giving away too much of yourself.

Dancerinthemoonlight that's so frustrating when a funny/flirty text falls flat. Maybe he read it wrong, maybe he just sent a quick reply. You don't know what he's thinking right now.
As others have said, you need to give him space. Dating probably seems like a distant memory.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Honestly I get the sense he does like you. Sounds like he compartmentalises -I’m at work now therefore detached from the world. 3+ weeks is nothing in their line of work. If you see something long term you have to deal with longer absences

Regarding the not replying, just from an opposite POV, I'm terrible at replying to messages. I've also deleted the blue tick feature so this can annoy people I guess. I read the message, and sometimes it's because I'm busy, but sometimes it's because I want to sit and have a proper real time conversation and I just can't do that at the moment so I wait till I'm in a position where I can sit and message back and forth. I do it to everyone 😳

@Myfabby happy to look at your profile. Interesting comments that you've had from those matches. Is that after chatting for a while?

How do we show people? I couldn’t attach a photo in a PM

@Menora depends what platform you are on but if it is one I am on too like Tinder you can just PM me a link

@Dancerinthemoonlight I saw Mr Beard 5 times over 2 weeks and slept with him twice, once in a hotel and one overnight at his. It was pretty intense from the start but we never talked about feelings or exclusivity or whether it was a relationship. I'm pretty jokey and flippant anyway, it's my defence mechanism. But have backed myself into a corner now as feel I can't backtrack on it and admit how I feel, and he might just see me as a shag. It is driving me crazy, the not knowing. I just wanted fun and sex. Getting neither now but all the angst....

@Myfabby, what do you feel is in your profile that gives them that impression ? I think it's really difficult to hit the right note with what you write about yourself. Difficult to convey how wonderfully witty and desirable you are without sounding up yourself. I am only using Tinder sporadically and mostly swipe based on picture, age and distance. Sometimes if I am undecided I read the profile and it will help.

@uttersocks we do have similar time lines - I saw him 3 times over 4 weeks and slept with him on the 2nd and 3rd dates. I did tell him on the first date that I don't do casual sex or hookups and if I'm sleeping with someone then they are the only perso I'm sleeping with and I expect the same. Who knows if he remembers that though. It's the not knowing where you stand is the hard part. Just tell me you aren't seeing or talking to anyone else and it will be fine.

@Myfabby I think he probably does compartmentalize. I know I'd have to be deal with longer absences if there is a future for us. Saying that I think it is the lockdown and not being able to do anything or go anywhere that is making it worse. If it were normal circumstances I would be working having recovered from surgery, seeing family and friends etc.
Work is another worry entirely. Wrong time to be in the midst of changing career and wanting to set up a business on the side. Who knows what the job market especially in the events industry is going to be like at the end of this

Thank you @EchoElephant. I PM’d you the link.

It’s after a few chats but one also said from the profile he sensed it

I have tried to register with POF and did a full profile however it’s not accepting my password and when I put forgot password it doesn’t send me any emails I have checked spam and all folders anyone any ideas please ?