Fallen in love with a married man

[Sosounhappy]

It was meant to be just sex but after 10 months i love him

@Sosounhappy @Dontforgetyourbrolly Yep it happened to me years ago that one of the blokes left his wife for me.

It wasn't a good relationship, lots of sexual pushiness because as someone who was for sex is how he'd first seen me, including having 'sex' with me when I was asleep/unconscious. He even said about sex 'I deserve it.' I wanted to say to him that it doesn't work that way, but being me I didn't.

He was an older guy so I missed out on some stuff other women would do in their 20s. His health was very poor, and eventually I stopped finding him attractive.

But anyway, the main point is to see through all the lies and the insincerity OP. You are being used.

This is real just trying to keep it unidentifiable.

You really aren't that rare a find (unfortunately) so unless you shared both of your names and locations, you wouldn't be identifiable.

I don't want the details I'm just reminding you how utterly cliche this situation is. It's just run of the mill, selfish, foolish behaviour.

You won't be the first, you won't be the last. If you stop seeing him he'll find a replacement, another foolish person who will shag him and believe his lies.

He will see you as disposable I'm afraid. So stop thinking of this as a tortured soul love story. It's just a married man shagging someone who wants a relationship with him, when he doesn't want that.

Tale as old as time. Grow up.

@Sosounhappy

Why do you think you are in love with him? Normally to really love someone you need to spend a lot of time together. See one another properly and truly, flaws and all. See them throwing up, making stupid jokes, laughing at crap on the TV, losing their temper at the cat shitting in their shoe, normal every day stuff.

You haven't had any of the real life thing with him. You never do with an affair partner, even if you think you have they are always on their best behaviour, just as you are with them.

It's not real. You think you love him because you spend time with him and have sex with him. But it's not love, not real love, it's you subconsiously convincing yoursef it's love because otherwise you know you are just wasting your time.

You need to cut loose and find someone you really can love.

@Sosounhappy...... I have no idea what you were expecting from this thread. I cannot be bothered to read more than the first and last page. Just bear in mind that the pain resulting from infidelity is a special kind of hell. So just end it, please!

But his wife deserves to know. Yes, it will be totally devastating to her. But she deserves better than to be cheated on forevermore. My STBX would tell me that everything would have been fine if I hadn't snooped (and found out...). No, I just no!

Oh well that’s ok then . If he has a sexless marriage you can tell the wife and she will be happy you stepped in .

Absolute rubbish . He is having you on .

So the people saying tell his wife how do I do it

I would make him tell her or you will

So the people saying tell his wife how do I do it

I'm sure you'll figure it out, you seem to be quite the wordsmith.

Poor you, all you wanted was a bit of sex with a married man and you actually got... well, sex with a married man.

Careful what you wish for.

@ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself To be fair, OP says initially she met him on OLD and he didn't say he was married. If so, maybe she was quite into him by the time she found out (though walking away would still've been possible.)

@Sosounhappy I feel for you OP. I'm also in the position where soon I'm going to tell an 'ex' 's wife what he's like.

I've written her a letter, I know he's out on a certain night so am going to drop it through the door then, when the time's right. If you don't know their address, you could find her on facebook or whatever- ways of contacting people can often be found.

I got advice via PM on community.affairhealing.com/ from a wife whose husband at cheated on her as to what to write, as well as a couple of other people. The woman I msged on there said what I should write.

1. Details of your affair and any other affairs he's had that you know about. Give details of any excuses he may have given for going out, or any particular days/times you met if you can remember- so she has some sort of 'evidence' to believe you.

2. You could explain how you met him etc and the claims he told you that the marriage was sexless.

3. Say something like 'I'm really sorry I interfered in your marriage, it won't happen again.' (This is just what the person I was msging with said I should say.)

4. Leave an email/phone no. in case she wants to discuss it further.
   --
   I've done a combination of this and other stuff as the bloke I was involved with and the circumstances are not normal.

You could include any ways in which you think he took advantage of you or anything if you like. xxx

To be fair, OP says initially she met him on OLD and he didn't say he was married. If so, maybe she was quite into him by the time she found out (though walking away would still've been possible.)

Yes you're correct. So she found out he was married and instead of walking away and / or telling his wife what he was doing, she kept shagging him and now believes she is in love with him. It's only since she realised he doesn't want more than shags with her that she wants to tell the wife. As adult women the uncomfortable truth is that we are hit on by married men / those in a relationship many times. Many of us manage to say no. OP could have done so.

Why are you all bothering?

Sistine - true but everyone has their weaknesses, otherwise these blokes would hardly ever get laid (which would be no bad thing.)

I'm sure you'll figure it out, you seem to be quite the wordsmith This 🤣

So the people saying tell his wife how do I do it @Sosounhappy just dump the waster. Personally I'd like to know but I thought this thread was about you being in love. 🤔

Sosounhappy Fri 13-Mar-20 19:50:18
Why should I tell her it would hurt her
.......
I think she needs to know but not be told by you. I expect she will find out somehow sooner or later and you may not be the only woman he sleeps with on the side.

You say you love the man but what does that mean exactly? Would you like him to leave his wife and move in with you? That would be a different type of relationship altogether and may not last long.

I'm not going to sit in judgement on you but the fact is that in time you could feel just as strongly about a single man which would be a far more honest relationship. However, you may prefer something part time with little commitment, many people do.

Sosounhappy Fri 13-Mar-20 19:24:02
So nobody else on here has ever had an affair. I am single by the way
........
I'm sure many have but people have short memories. They also probably had and have caused a lot of heartache because of affairs and want to warn you.

You have the upper hand and have more choices because you're single and that's no bad thing. I don't doubt you love the man but you could love someone else in time if you're prepared to take a risk and make a commitment.

Thank you for all the posts

Bloody hell the sleazy predator.

Going on OLD and lying to people about being married.
The messages, the Valentine gift....ways of keeping you reeled in and teed up.

The fun of staying in a relationship will not equal the doubt, the being kept hanging on, the being lied to, the bit being able to go on holiday, and the eventual realisation that the man you have pinned your hopes on will not leave his wife for you.

Assuming he is the same age or older than you he has had years to break free if he wanted.

He probably doesn’t want to split the house, the savings, the pension, so he chooses homely comforts and a shag in the side.

Posters are becoming far too invested in this post (understandably) whereas the OP's posts are deliberately obtuse and are no longer than one sentence

Would you like an essay. I met someone online dating after leaving an abusive marriage. He was charming flattering and I fell for him. I then found out he is married. I have feelings for him. Do I want to hurt his wife No I don't. Am I innocent I was but am not now

I was like the wife, at home with a 11 months old.. and pregnant with the second one 36 weeks.. but found out only 3 weeks after giving birth.. im a wreck.. but i would want to know because to continue that shit life full of lies is worse..

Sosounhappy Sun 15-Mar-20 11:03:31
Would you like an essay. I met someone online dating after leaving an abusive marriage. He was charming flattering and I fell for him. I then found out he is married. I have feelings for him. Do I want to hurt his wife No I don't. Am I innocent I was but am not now
......
You're a human being who makes mistakes, we all do.

I think what I would most dislike about this arrangement is the fact that he didn't tell you straight away that he was married, in fact posed as a single chap on a dating website until he couldn't any more by which time he had reeled you in. You must surely see how really horrible that is.

I haven't read the latest but last time I was on this thread, you were going to end it. Good for you. You do know he will lick his wounds for a short while and then search for someone else to fill the gap? His poor wife will find out sooner or later, she may already know he is up to no good.

Whatever you do, don't go on that website again. I presume you go out, go to work, mix with people - find someone that way if you can but not all of a rush. It will take you a while to get over this chap but it will happen.

Good luck.

Sosounhappy Sat 14-Mar-20 08:13:06
He bought me a valentine's present
.........
What was it? Does he spend money on you in other ways, meals out (if you don't live near each other), takeaways or is it just being at yours and sex? I'm not asking out of sheer nosiness, just to be able to gauge the type of relationship you have.

I do get that some people want a no strings deal and that can work but you have fallen for him which complicates things.

I'm going to suggest you stop being so exclusive and see some other chaps while you are disentangling from your affair. Just fun stuff, meals out, cinema, theatre, pub etc.

No meals out always end up having sex says it all doesn't it. Day 1 of no contact

I did hope you got a bit more out of it than sex but it is what it is; well done, stay strong!

OP I hope you manage to keep up no contact, try googling "the no contact rule" for advice. Forget the "no contact for 7 days" pages - this has to be permanent.