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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fallen in love with a married man

249 replies

Sosounhappy · 13/03/2020 19:16

It was meant to be just sex but after 10 months i love him

OP posts:
Brainengaged1 · 14/03/2020 09:57

@emilybrontee

The Wife is the innocent in this . Why would you wish to cause her so much pain ? The ow is just disposing if her anger Onto to the dw

TippledPink · 14/03/2020 09:59

I have been in the same situation as you- met OLD, thought he was single but turned out to be married. Definitely sexless, completely disfunctional marriage (confirmed by every member of his family including his adult children, not just what he said).

I have been there, I know how much it hurts. The best thing I did was step away and go no contact. Even though it killed me, I just said I can't do this anymore, he was no good for my mental health! You need to do the same. If he has no plans to leave his wife, you can't carry on like this forever.

The story doesn't always go the way all posters like to say it will (mine left his wife after I went no contact) but to be honest the majority of the time, they are right- men want the best of both worlds. They don't want the upheaval of leaving a relationship.

emilybrontescorsett · 14/03/2020 10:03

The wife has a right to know what her husband is doing.
If she is fine with him shagging around then then so be it.
If she had no idea then she has a right to know.
Would you not want to know if your husband had set up an online dating profile?

izzywizzygood · 14/03/2020 10:10

@Sosounhappy He sounds a bit like a snake... He fooled you right from the start by pretending to be single on a dating site. Have you ever asked him exactly what his intentions are? Does he want to leave his wife? Push him and ask if there is a future for you both. If not, then either bin him or make it clear you are using him too and bruise his ego a bit. It's not your fault he married someone who, like many women, just want security and not long-term sex once they have got what they want (a child). Please ignore the lack of sympathy on here - it's their marriage that is at fault, not you.

Ellisandra · 14/03/2020 10:18

Stick with him. He’s one of the good guys. He’s doing this because it helps his marriage ❤️ It’s a great compromise for his wife, as she wants a sexless marriage. He’s a keeper!

🙄

Mulberry974 · 14/03/2020 10:19

He's married and I expect he's lying to you as well as his wife. Walk away.

opticaldelusion · 14/03/2020 10:22

It's mumsnet, OP, where wives literally have a protected status. You'll get no compassion here whatsoever.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 14/03/2020 10:52

Don't expect compassion to be honest

OP posts:
caffeinefix · 14/03/2020 10:57

Why are you deliberately being obtuse?

TigerDater · 14/03/2020 10:58

You don’t need compassion OP I agree. You need to get a grip. What do you want for your future? Realistically is there a place in your future for this man, given everything you know about his character and circumstances, good and bad. Then decide what to do.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/03/2020 11:01

It's mumsnet, OP, where wives literally have a protected status Not just wives but innocent victims of any situation not just a wife.
OP if you're in love with him it will only get worse if the situation stays the same.
If you want respect with love tell him to choose, if you think he won't there is your answer, it is your choice then to except the piece of him he is offering. Some women can except he'll be with the wife at Christmas etc all those family occasions others can't. If you want a more meaningful relationship dump him and find someone who can offer it.
You don't seem happy ATM. ❤

Wannabangbang · 14/03/2020 11:05

Ive been there and worn the t-shirt and i now look back and so wished i hadn't got involved. No winners will come of this, he will either go back to his wife or stay with you and then cheat on you.

Once a cheat always a cheat, they don't change.
Best thing for you to do would be to leave this disaster before it hurts everyone else aswell as yourself.

But you do have my sympathy ie being in love with him, hard to let go but do it as it's the right thing to do for all concerned

Wannabangbang · 14/03/2020 11:07

And fwiw all blokes that cheat say their wife isn't giving them sex and 10 times out of 10 their lying

TippledPink · 14/03/2020 11:27

@Wannabangbang That is not true- it does happen where people are in relationships and they don't have sex! I know a few!

Emeeno1 · 14/03/2020 11:28

None of us, including you, can know whether his marriage is sexless or not.

So work with what you do know.

He is a liar (he lied about being married).
He is deceitful (deceiving his wife every time he meets you).
He is duplicitous (capable of running two separate relationships).
He is selfish (putting his own needs before all others).
He is weak (unable to sort out his problems before creating more).

These traits may not seem obvious to you now but they will be in time. Is this man really worthy of your love?

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 14/03/2020 11:42

That is very true

OP posts:
allthedamnvampires · 14/03/2020 11:50

Aye right. Get a hobby.

SudokuQueen · 14/03/2020 12:10

Why are you deliberately being obtuse?

I don't think it's deliberate. Might be why he chose her. Easier to believe the obvious lies then.

NoMoreDickheads · 14/03/2020 12:23

Why are you deliberately being obtuse?

What has OP said that is obtuse? That she's being deliberately so would be unlikely.

Everyone has their own personality- if she doesn't write much it doesn't mean she isn't sincere.

Also, love is often blind- it's hard to see what's actually happening when you're feeeling it. I would know. Or even if you know, it's hard to switch off those feelings sometimes.

For me the love went though, after I realized he was a user and not a word he said/nothing he did could be trusted as not having an ulterior motive.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/03/2020 12:29

My best friend did the same as you op. And he actually did leave his wife ...
Now she is stuck with a virtually housebound obese old man with high blood pressure....and guess what she hadn't relaxed for one day in 10 years because she's constantly on the look out for another woman .
It's no way to live, i promise you

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/03/2020 12:30

You are enabling a married man to emotionally hurt people. You have been the hurt wife so should know better. You "were suspicious he was married". You should have walked away then. At the moment you are as selfishly immoral as he is. You do not love him. You love an idealised version, ignoring his disrespect of his wife & family. Grow a backbone & dump this lying cheating excuse for a man.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/03/2020 12:38

Ahhh the Road To Happiness.

Angsting online about your married lover boy whilst he's getting on with his family life.

Never mind OP the sex is good eh😁

ScreamingLadySutch · 14/03/2020 12:39

Hi @Sosounhappy

you might be right - it could be sexless.

Mine was - because he started shagging OW!

And yes when he was found out he did drop her and scuttle back but the damage was so great, I was devastated. Cheating men who give OW all their time thoughts and passion are very cruel to their wives. Who must just STFU and carry on being nanny housekeeper and secretary.

If you want to know WHY he is splitting his time between boring wife and passionate you - read 'the split self affair' by Emily Brown.

The women are not the problem, something within the man (duty/feeling) is.

The only thing I want to warn you about is that you are wasting your time on someone who is literally UNAVAILABLE. Whatever he says to you, he is not available. Years even decades of your life can go by, don't you want a man and children of your own?

Don't do this to yourself. Either tell the wife (which will end it), or end it and block.

Youdreamedmydreamforme · 14/03/2020 12:47

This is the wrong site for you, you’ll get no sympathy. I’d say break it off, go to counselling and find someone who loves you properly. Good luck.

GladAllOver · 14/03/2020 13:02

It may hurt the wife to know about this, but you should send her his OLD profile.

You were probably not his first hookup and there will be more when you leave him. He may even have others on the go right now - if he can deceive his wife he can deceive you too.

His wife needs to know, if only to get tested for STI a.