Fallen in love with a married man

[Sosounhappy]

It was meant to be just sex but after 10 months i love him

Why would a married man leave his wife .Presumably he loved his wife once ,probably more than he loves you .So he will think he can just as easily fall out of love/lust with you .If he leaves her he is going to lose half his assets,contact with his kids and social life -that’s a lot to lose.
You are like a really expensive new car that you test drive .It looks good ,feels nice and puts a smile on your face but you know deep down you cannot afford it .If he had met you first he might have chosen you but he can’t afford you now

You're not going to get any sympathy here. If you're unhappy, block him.

Find someone single next time

I find the tales of betrayed and devastated wives (and sometimes husbands) on MN absolutely heartbreaking, but I'm sorry sometimes there is more to the narrative than saintly, ignorant wife at home and scumbag husband just out for a shag. How do I know? Because I was the wife and I am now the OW.

Both long marriages, I fell out of love with my XH but we stuck it out (grimly) until youngest was at uni and we were in a financial position to make the break. I didn't have time for an affair but he did and went ahead with it. He didn't tell me as such but I knew. Frankly I was delighted, as I knew I could never have sex with him again and I didn't feel so guilty knowing he had found a bit of happiness. We eventually got divorced.

And now I'm in love with a married man who feels the same about his wife as I had felt about my husband. They are grimly sticking it out etc. When youngest DC goes off to uni he will leave her. I've made it perfectly clear he's not moving in with or marrying me, but we'll stay together if it suits.

So, no young DC involved, no leaving high and dry. Trying to make the best of a bad job, that's all.

You have been very brief in your answers OP which makes me think you're young or fake or possibly both. I just wanted to give another angle, but fully expect to get shot down. Ho hum.

Not young 50 not fake

Oh and I'm trying not to do it again- you should too.

Remember that by doing this these blokes are to an extent showing a lack of ethics.

Blokes are dodgy enough, but these are showing they're dodgier than the average bloke.

I've been raped, used, all sorts, by getting off with people who right from the start have shown they're not good people. If a bloke comes onto you or takes up your advances and he's married or in a relationship, your spidey sense should go off that this is not a good person and they're more likely to be 'evil' in other ways than the average person.

I'm not saying every bloke that has an affair is 100% awful, but they're more likely to be nasty than the average man. Someone who will use a woman for sex wihile he's married is not someone it's wise to trust in any way.

So why so brief in your replies? What is actually going on here? Why can't you talk about it with him like a grownup? Why, at the age of 50, would you even have to ask about whether you should tell him or just block him? What do you even mean, 'love'?

I’m sure everything you’ve said is what my ex told the OW. Actually I know he did cause I’ve found the messages - so much bullshit that he told her to ease his conscience.

Our marriage was on a fairly even keel until he started having sex with someone else.

We were having sex right up until I found the above messages but according to him we were in a sexless marriage.

Please have some self respect and end it with him. He has no respect for you or his wife. He lies way too easily and he’s not the catch you think he is - he’s actually the booby prize.

Yes I feel very guilty.

Yet you are going to continue to sleep with him. Feeling guilty my arse, nice try.

Buying his victim narrative in order to justify your poor behaviour is classic OW bullshit. 🙄

Men get away with this crap because there’s always some desperate woman who will enable them.

What's with the narrative 'using women for sex'? Do women not use men for sex? Are women always the victims? Are women never accountable?

Is it not possible that the man is looking for the love and affection that he doesn't get in his marriage, without destroying the home/wealth he's helped to build up? MN is far too quick to say 'well just get a divorce then'. An instant move to divorce is not the only and very often not the best option.

The fact that the OP thought that this was the forum for her self induced tale of woe, demonstrates just how tone deaf she really is.

zovir surely you’re not so naive as to believe his line that he of course is in exactly the same position as you once were, in a loveless marriage, miserable and itching to leave her - even giving you that old tale of just waiting for his dc to go to UNI and then he’s all yours. He has clearly taken your lead on this, and is allowing you to believe you are kindred souls, both of whom have gone through the same thing. You do realise that the reality is he may be manipulating you and feeding you a lot of lies? You really think a man who has no conscience about cheating on his wife suddenly develops a moral compass when it comes to caring enough to wait for dc to get through their education? He won’t leave. Ever. But I think you probably know that.

If he doesn't leave her that's fine by me to be honest, the current setup suits me fine thanks

What's with the narrative 'using women for sex'

@Zovir well, he is clearly using the OP for sex in a bad way now. It might've been a mutual arrangement at the start, but now she's into him and he's using the fact that she's into him or whatever to get what he wants.

We all know a lt of men will use a woman as a bouncy castle if they can. Yes, in theory women can be in an arrangement just for sex, but in reality, this is a motivating factor for men far more often.

Especially if the bloke tells a woman an utter pack of lies to get what he wants, then he is using that woman and it's not mutual.

Is it not possible that the man is looking for the love and affection that he doesn't get in his marriage

He's said he's just after sex.

The fact that the OP thought that this was the forum for her self induced tale of woe, demonstrates just how tone deaf she really is.

A lot of people post threads without being able to have an objective view of the situation or of how out of the ordinary it really is.

"It's sexless"

I bet his wife doesn't understand him, also

Anyway, while you're here, I've got a bridge to sell you...

Doesn't matter if you're single. You are ruining someones life. Yes, he is the one to blame as he is the married one however you are showing a distinct lack of morals. I hope you can sleep well at night knowing the destruction that you are helping to facilitate.

zovir well guess that’s fine then. But the decent thing to do would be for him to end the relationship with his DW first before sleeping with someone else. Sometimes if the ow is young you can kind of put some of it down to immaturity, but you’re clearly old enough to know better. But hey ho, wasting my time to try to explain why what you’re both doing is wrong, to someone whose moral compass is pretty much at zero. Good luck to you both - you sound pretty well suited

Yes, in theory women can be in an arrangement just for sex, but in reality, this is a motivating factor for men far more often.

Massive generalisation there, I've used a lot of men for sex in the last two years and I'm not the only woman I know to do so.

Ach, I know there are a ton of shitty men out there, I'm not stupid. I'm just tired of the default position on MN that women are powerless yet saintly victims at the mercy of dastardly men and their own hormones, only ever able to believe something if a man has told her it, unable to use her own eyes, common-sense and sense of self-preservation.

You only have to read threads on here to see that many women are not interested in sex. There was a thread last week in fact, majority vote that sex was not worth bothering with. Not all those women are single!
Sexless marriage = less than 12 times a year
Plenty of marriages fit that description

One poster said their mother said a man who likes sex wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage. Well no ... they outsource the sex and keep the housewife.

Thanks live, yes I think we are pretty well-suited but if it doesn't last I'm not going to fall apart as my life, wealth and happiness are not tied to one man - and neither is his wife's, for your info.

No-one is saying women are innocent victims of a loveless marriage, and absolutely if someone is unhappy they should leave. But why not leave before starting another relationship? That’s the decent and respectful thing to do. What sort of person would actually sleep with someone knowing that he is deceiving and lying to someone he lives with and is married to. It’s just something that the majority of decent human beings just don’t understand.

Using terms like 'whore' is just nasty and misogynistic. Please try harder.

@IkeaSlave maybe it is, maybe it isn't but this paragon of honesty would be trotting out that old chesnut to the OP either way.

Given what the OP knows about him for an absolute fact (that he has no problem repeatedly deceiving the woman to whom he made marriage vows), if he told her that the sky is blue and grass is green I'd recommend she double check. The idea that she'd take him at his clichéd word on this is risible.

What sort of person would actually sleep with someone knowing that he is deceiving and lying to someone he lives with and is married to. It’s just something that the majority of decent human beings just don’t understand.

I'm a decent human being but I think that breaking up a functioning family home is worse than sleeping with someone else while still married. it amazes me that 'decent' people can inflict a divorce on their children (leaving aside abusive marriages, obviously) so they can go off and shag. Just go off and shag, keep it to yourself (or be open and honest about it ideally) until the time is right to knock the failed marriage on the head.

@Zovir That goes for the cheated on spouse too, presumably, if and when they find out about the cheating?

Cheating partner may have shagged about, putting the other at risk of VD, risking accidentally having a child outside of the marriage and generally putting the other in a position of not knowing the truth about their own situation in order to make an informed choice about it, but the cheated-on spouse is the real villain if they dare break up the family when they find out?

Just checking for consistency.