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Original poster

I do not how to react to my British colleague courtship

208 replies

superstar5219 · 09/03/2020 22:50

Hi ladies (and gents)
Was brought to this site as I’ve been living in the UK for not so long and I have a British colleague at work interested in me.
Issue is this is the first time a British guy shows such a deep interest in me, good thing is I like him, he's posh, I guess a middle class man, middle 30's, lots of matches between both of us, BUT…..and I don’t know how to react to his courtship.
I know he is interested in me as plenty of websites say his hints/behaviours are the typical British man hints/behavior to let you know they are interested in a woman...He's constantly following me around, keeping eye contact, arranged with me private conversations in the kitchen of our workplace.
However, I come from a latin country, where men are too intrusive, quite direct and straightforward since the very beginning of the courtship process, this means they lead and women's opinion are barely taken in account during the courtship.
So, what should I do? I feel petrified as he's extremely handsome and I don't know what to do or what to say in front of him as he is obviously waiting for my reaction to his approach/courtship.
I sent him some skype messages telling him I wanted to speak to him to break the ice after so many eye contacts and him following me around, he agreed to have chats in the kitchen (as I previously said) then the next week I sent him an email asking for a time but he didn't reply, he just kept the eye contact with me.
Why didn't he reply? He keeps avoiding replays to my emails but sends me subtle invitations to speak to him in the kitchen.
Need to say he's extremely shy too, got red/blush last Friday when I went to his desk asking for help for job task as he has more experience and more years in the company.
What should I do? How should I react to his approach?

OP posts:
Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 20:30

@LinoVentura
Do not have time to meet a lot people outside work...if they did pay for my bills or helped me with the big amount of personal workload/ladmin I have, I would have spent considerable amounts of time with them by now!! XD

OP posts:
Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 20:34

@TR888
Spot on!
No worries about disrespectful words, trolls are all over Internet hiding their faces behind a screen and showing their real toxic personalities by typing empty words.
That's what they are to me..empty.

OP posts:
LinoVentura · 10/03/2020 20:44

Because I haven’t given him enough confidence to progress things.

He's got enough confidence to stare at you all day and make it obvious he's interested but he doesn't have enough confidence to ask you to meet up outside work? You're making excuses for the guy. He's British yes but that doesn't mean he's got some kind of mental disability. If he's interested in more than casual sex with you then he will make the effort to chat to you and suggest meeting outside work.

Do not blame yourself if he can't be bothered to do that and please don't feel you have to make it more obvious that you're interested, as he will presume you want casual sex i.e. to be an unpaid prostitute.

Yes Brits are cold compared to Latins but regardless, we all know that if we want to get a gf, or a friend with benefits, or even a one night stand, we have to engage in conversation with the girl/woman in question and suggest spending time together.

LinoVentura · 10/03/2020 20:48

Do not have time to meet a lot people outside work...

That's a shame because if your only interaction with others is at work that's really not a healthy lifestyle. It's not going to give you the knowledge or confidence you need in life - particularly in a new and alien culture. I strongly suggest that you find a way of making some free time each week to interact with others outside work.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 20:51

@IdblowJonSnow
I don’t care gossiping. People will always gossip for anything, whether you do everything or nothing at all.

OP posts:
skinnymarshmallow · 10/03/2020 20:56

Men don't need to be given 'confidence'. They're not children Hmm

YRGAM · 10/03/2020 20:57

In that case you can ask him for a coffee and see how it goes from there. Us British men may be cold and awkward but we can generally take a hint!

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:07

@LinoVentura

You have not thought with a more positive outlook about him not even for a second, all what you say is "sex", "prostitutes" and blah, blah, your vocabulary is starting to make me feel sick now.
This speaks louder about yourself than about himself.
I see him everyday and not for even a second I have noticed lust on his eyes or behaviours, neither I have conveyed the same message. I haven't sexualised my behaviour, I have remained professional as far as I know (well not with the emails of course).
Time will tell me/make clear his intentions. As for know I will just observe him and analyzing him and later on will make my own conclusions.
And no, do not have time for meeting people outside work, maybe later on when I have more free time will be able to do it, not now as I have other more important priorities.
And people are not the only source of knowledge/confidence. There are way plenty of more options to get knowledge/confidence.
But thanks anyway for your recommendations.

OP posts:
Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:12

@mamato3lads
@Heartburn888
@Lweji
@PigletJohn
@1forAll74
@YRGAM

Thank you for all your positive feedback and advice! You are ALL stars!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/03/2020 21:16

If he's interested in more than casual sex with you then he will make the effort to chat to you and suggest meeting outside work.

Actually, I'd say the opposite.
If he's interested in more than sex he might not want to be rejected emotionally.
I'm with someone now who's a great partner and it took him ages to make a move. To the point that I almost doubted myself.

People are different. It doesn't matter if they're British or Latin American. Individuals behave in their own ways despite their culture.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:17

@Thinkingabout1t
"Good luck, and let us know how you get on!"
Of course, I will let you know...via private message, as there are some trolls over here that will misunderstand or misinterpret or distort my words.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 10/03/2020 21:19

If you have no free time other than work then how would you manage to go out with this guy? Shagging in the stationary cupboard isn't something I'd advise. Just ask if he'd like to get a coffee sometime or a drink after work.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:22

@Lweji
That's why I'll give him a chance.
I hate generalisations, to put people in classification's sacks, everyone is different, different mindset, differents origins, different futures.
He is just another different person, I won't put a label on him, he is what he is, a unique-unrepeatable human being as I am and everyone is.

OP posts:
Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:23

@Iooselipssinkships
Where there is a will there's a way ;)

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 10/03/2020 21:34

That's a good point about finding the time to date. Will it be possible?

The other point I'd make is that it could be awkward dating a colleague. You might find it distressing having to work in close proximity if it doesn't work out. Also, check that your company doesn't have rules discouraging workplace relationships.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 21:54

@BitOfFun
Thanks for the advice.
If he is a good prospect I will find the time, be sure on this ;)
Also, I consulted this with my manager and she said there's not issues with it at work.
I will check the handbook just in case.

OP posts:
LinoVentura · 10/03/2020 21:56

@LinoVentura
You have not thought with a more positive outlook about him not even for a second, all what you say is "sex", "prostitutes" and blah, blah, your vocabulary is starting to make me feel sick now.
This speaks louder about yourself than about himself.
I see him everyday and not for even a second I have noticed lust on his eyes or behaviours,

Apologies for offending you. Obviously I can only go on what you say which suggested to me that his intentions were not very honourable. You asked for advice and in my opinion you need to be wary of this guy. You started the thread with the following:

He's constantly following me around, keeping eye contact, arranged with me private conversations in the kitchen of our workplace.

In my opinion if he's genuinely interested he'll behave in a manner that is a lot less hard work for you than the above.

I see him everyday and not for even a second I have noticed lust on his eyes or behaviours, neither I have conveyed the same message. I haven't sexualised my behaviour, I have remained professional as far as I know (well not with the emails of course).

I haven't made any criticism of your behaviour but you recently suggested that it is your fault for not making your interest in him clear enough. Making it more obvious that you are interested would not be a good idea in my opinion.

I'm just trying to give you good advice based on the limited information you have provided. I sincerely hope the guy is for real but until he shows he is you need to stop blaming yourself and stop making excuses for him.

LinoVentura · 10/03/2020 21:58

Time will tell me/make clear his intentions. As for know I will just observe him and analyzing him and later on will make my own conclusions.

Excellent decision.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 22:05

@BitOfFun
Oh you are right, it may be distressing having to work in close proximity if it doesn't work out.
I work for a pretty good employer and this job is giving me plenty of knowledge/experience for the next professional/career step I want to take...but I do not plan to be forever in this company as they do not offer the professional/career path I want for my life...So if I need to move on, my ultimate professional goal will be my leitmotif to do so.
But as I said, this is a good employer and I am thankful for it..

OP posts:
LinoVentura · 10/03/2020 22:14

I'm with someone now who's a great partner and it took him ages to make a move. To the point that I almost doubted myself.

I agree that some males have good intentions but are shy and it takes them time to instigate something. The reason I don't think this guy is like that is because he is following the OP around work, staring at her etc, plus this thing about the kitchen - is this the behaviour of someone who is shy but with good intentions? The fact that his other colleagues are exhibiting similar behaviour is also worrying me.

runlift · 10/03/2020 22:20

To me it sounds like he is interested but. Bit shy and not happy to use work email for private use.

In my experience this would usually progress with either

  1. after flirting and maybe sharing with mutual friends that you like each other (as you have done), one of the parties plucks up the courage to ask for a date
  2. A drunken snog after sloping off at the end of a work party.
BecauseReasons · 10/03/2020 22:42

I just wonder why out attitude is different .. to most of the rest of the world. We are a strange nation!

I think it's because we're afraid of being seen to judge other people. Fear of reprisals and scorn keeps people in line in other countries and that used to be the case here. Now it's only safe to openly judge those that are openly judgemental.

blueshoes · 10/03/2020 22:44

If he is single, there is nothing to stop him progressing things but he seems a little lame. Brit or not, you need him to make some positive moves otherwise you will always be the one doing the running around, which he might be grooming you for.

Unless you like to take the lead, hang back a little and give him a chance to step up. If he does not, well, he is not that into you.

Same rules apply.

Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 22:44

@runlift
Sounds like the behaviours of teenagers, but both options would be quite refreshing, less stressful.
=)

OP posts:
Original poster
superstar5219 · 10/03/2020 22:49

@blueshoes
Completely agree with you.
I won't be follow him or taking the lead, if he's interested is his job to take this lead. If he does not, I will accept he is not that into me.

OP posts: