Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

I think the fact that you've created the thread, read, considered and responded to various different view is really positive @tysonfurry, it's showing that you value you yourself as an individual rather than half of a marriage.

I have no experience based advice to offer, but it seems to me reading your posts that you've given all of your emotional energy to your H for at least the last 18 months (and quite possibly much more). Really it's time to invest that energy in yourself, your own life, your own friendships, interests, hobbies, work ambitions etc. I wonder if you're asking yourself too big a question for the moment. Should I end my marriage? is a big step. Your life won't go back to what it was but whether you stay married or not you can make it better for you by prioritising yourself and your future. Perhaps you should give yourself 6 months of genuine self-focus and review how you feel later in the year? Get counselling for yourself if you feel you need it, get some training if you want it. Is there anywhere you fancy travelling to that he doesn't? Could you go for a weekend - create some great memories for yourself that don't include him?

I've read and listened to Esther Perel and whilst I think she raises some valid points, for some reason 'I was an entitled gobshite, raised in a patriarchal society than encourages the commodification of women and prioritises the indulgence of my every whim and fancy' never seems to emerge as a reason for adultery when it undoubtedly is a lot.

Wishing you all the best OP - you sound great.

I'm glad thinking things through with everyone on here is helping OP. Keep posting if it helps.

I know exactly where you are coming from when you can match the behaviour with the person infront of you.

I am 3 years on from finding out about my DHs affair. He went through the same process of ending it but not really. Fast forward another 6 months and he did finally end it when he risked losing me. Unfortunately the damage was done. I now have intensive counselling and one of the issues is that I can't believe he did it. In my head this person that i put all my love and trust into just couldn't do those things. I've had to realise there are 3 versions of him, the one I married and I believed in, the one he became during the affair fog - the lying, cheating, unkind, selfish bully and then this one I am with - the kind, loving, remorseful, giving husband. The only problem is, I want the original one, without the bad memories back. But.....there is no time machine.

What I'm saying is, don't be me. I wish I had made other choices and now it's much tougher as I chose to forgive him but forgetting it is soooooo much harder.

Can't not can!

He's remorseful because he likes his nice comfortable life, and I'm sure she does love you. But he was happy to put that all at risk to be with another woman, could have been the buzz, the attention, the ego boost or maybe it was love, but the man you thought you were married to never existed, and whilst he might love you, it's a love that isn't what you thought it was.

It's like a piece of paper, your old life was a nice sheet of A4 white paper. He took that paper and screwed its up and ripped it into several pieces, now you can repair, sellotape it back together, maybe even iron out some if the creases, but it will NEVER be the same as it was before no matter how much you try. That's your life now.

I tried for 3 years to repair my marriage to someone who reacted a lot like your dh. After 2 years he started to get cross when I brought it up, he'd tell me I should get over it. I managed another year after that and left. It was the best thing for me, I started them to rebuild my life and it was the first time in 3 years I wasn't driving myself round the twist with it all

@Tysonfurry I really understand that. I was cheated on by a partner. And he had done so for 3 years. And when I looked at him I saw the man I thought I knew and loved. And how could he be the man that did such such awful things to me. But he was. I wasn't married to him for 35 years. I don't think you are weak or emotionally unintelligent. You don't want to have to deal with the pain and your life crashing around you that really seeing your husband for who he is and what he has done will bring. It's natural. Definitely get counselling for you. Put you first.

Perhaps stop suggesting that he goes to counselling with you. It sounds like you are doing all the thinking about how to make it right. You are the one suggesting counselling, not him, the one who did the wrong thing. Perhaps go on your own to work through your feelings.

I rather suspect his dismissal of couples counselling shows two things:

(a) he has no intention changing anything about your relationship. He expects you to find a way to get over it. He is brilliant at talking the talk to ladies, no change in actions required (except better concealment of behaviours not matching words)
(b) the affair was nothing to do with your relationship. He wanted so he did. Repeatedly. It's not about you. The learning for him is to do a much better job of hiding his phone and financial transactions. That's how to make a happier marriage. Simples.

When I forgive and work with my kid when she steals smth belonging to their sibling - and try to understand what lead to it - do I become a theft apologist?

Comparing a child whose brain and understanding of so many things is in development; with a mature adult man who will have known since he was a young person that getting into an exclusive relationship with someone, even more so making marriage vows to someone, means you are not free to pursue a relationship with someone else (unless you have discussed and agreed such an arrangement with your spouse - which most would be unlikely to go for).

He's not a kid learning right from wrong, he's a mature adult, in a long marriage, with a teenage child. (In fact even children understand fidelity and are often the angry and horrified exposers of infidelity when it happens).

That attempted comparison is utterly irrelevant.

Forgiveness - we don't have to forgive anything. And legal comparisons - the main reason many crimes are "forgiven" as well as being punished is that we can't fkg afford to keep them in prison. But note that they are also punished. What punishment has ops dh has - the inconvenience of a devastated wife who he's now telling to stop referring to it.

If op were to leave him though, it's not really about punishment (though he deserves it) - it's about her happiness and security.

And by security I mean that, even if she were able to become the happy, carefree, secure, confident, relaxed etc person in her marriage again (and who the fk could be?) ....
I'm with the posters who I are worried that this fairly long-term affair and all the implications is has re. Op's dh's character, outlook, mindset etc. indicates a possibility that it could happen again. But he could leave the next time. All that pain swallowed for what?

I agree with @sunshineANDsweetpeas.

I don't think that you can go back to your life before. He is a different person now. A grenade as been thrown into your marriage. I'm not saying you cant repair your marriage (but your DH behaviour after discovery is not that of a truly repentant man).

I think the question is, knowing what you know about your husband now, do you still want to stay married to this man? The man you married is gone.

you've given all of your emotional energy to your H for at least the last 18 months (and quite possibly much more). Really it's time to invest that energy in yourself

There is a word for this - 'pretzeling'. And while Tyson has been doing everything she can possibly think of, what has her husband done? Other than telling her that he 'regrets' it, but that it is 'time to get over it' and 'move on'...

@TysonFurry..... It is understandable that you are not there yet. It is so very difficult to accept that the person you have shared your entire adult life with, the person who you thought loved you and had your back - that this person not only betrayed you, but cannot be bothered to now give you what you need, leaving you to struggle entirely on your own whilst occasionally and reluctantly pretending to be remorseful.

I think this entire thread contains a lot of useful insights about infidelity, betrayal, trying to make sense of something you cannot comprehend, and suggestions about coping with all this shit and getting strong - and ultimately moving on. Whether you move on with him or on your own is a decision that can wait. I would just reiterate the advice above that you should focus on and invest in yourself.

I do think a lot of men think the only thing that bothers us is the sex aspect, and that’s why few of them ‘get’ what we would call emotional affairs. personally for me that was not the biggest thing, it was the fact I was clearly coming second at one point, the lies about where they were, the texting, the fact they could go out for a meal and a drink with you knowing that this other shit was in the equation and in their head and you had no idea. I know everyone’s different.

You could spend years trying to forgive him but I don’t think you’d ever forget, the relationship will never ever be the same again and I doubt you’d ever be able to fully trust him. I’m imagining you always worry he is contacting her again, I don’t think this will ever disappear or you’ll start to worry he’s shagging another person.

Truth is, if you hadn’t found out about the affair he’d probably still be having it. He lied to her as well, I’m sure he painted your marriage in a negative light and told her he wanted to leave but didn’t want to hurt your DS or he couldn’t due to finances. Cheating husbands always follow the same script, it’s so tedious.

Stop texting her, it isn’t helping anyone. She was a victim too really and I’m sure she just wants to move on.

I find it almost impossible to look at him objectively

Ask yourself the immortal question 'what would you say to a friend in this situation?' Write it out without altering it.

I’m still struggling with the concept of why he’d be so remorseful if he didn’t want to make amends

I hate to say it but you only know he appears remorseful, because it'll get him what he wants- whatever he's getting from you- security, comfort, whatever. It's all lies, or at least you don't know when he's insincere, so you can't trust any of it.

Op, I am reading your posts and I actually feel sorry for your dh. I feel sorry that he has such a wonderful, thoughtful woman for a wife and still saw fit to have an eighteen month affair. He doesn’t deserve you
You should realise that you can do better. As another poster suggested, take care of yourself, do things that interest you, forge a life away from your dh.
You may decide that you no longer want to remain married to this man. If you decide stay with him, let it be on your terms . However, always be aware of the fact that he may cheat again. Think about whether you are prepared to risk spending any more time with a man who has shown himself to be a master manipulator. The affair only stopped because you found out about it, not because your dh was consumed with remorse and therefore ended the affair. He would still be having this tawdry affair if you hadn’t found out. The worst thing about men like this, is that they expect their wives to be faithful whilst they are out sleeping with all and sundry.
I sympathise Op , it number difficult.
I just hope that you find peace

I do think a lot of men think the only thing that bothers us is the sex aspect, and that’s why few of them ‘get’ what we would call emotional affairs. personally for me that was not the biggest thing, it was the fact I was clearly coming second at one point, the lies about where they were, the texting, the fact they could go out for a meal and a drink with you knowing that this other shit was in the equation and in their head and you had no idea. I know everyone’s different

You have nailed it @tarasmalatarocks

"the fact I was clearly coming second at one point, the lies about where they were, the texting, the fact they could go out for a meal and a drink with you knowing that this other shit was in the equation and in their head and you had no idea. I know everyone’s different"

THIS!

My Ex was even FAITHFUL to the OW whilst 'clinging on to the edge of the mattress' mentioned in that Script thing

One of my children broke my heart because they observed how unaffectionate he was with their mother whilst they have to endure him being all over Soul Mate #4. The children were little and they noticed! Devaluation strips your soul.

@TysonFurry you may find listening to some podcasts on marriage and infidelity useful. I have found a few on iTunes and Spotify that I enjoy. (Some American podcasts can be quite religious, I am not, but if you filter out all the God stuff there is often some great advice - my favourite is a british lady living in Dubai her name is Nicola Beer, and she's not religious and has some really sensible non-judgemental advice)

Just because your DH won't attend counselling does not mean that you can't attend on your own, I think it would really benefit you.

Personally I think he should be jumping through any hoop you ask to save the marriage and I'm surprised he has the cheek to say no to something that could potentially help.

Thank you for the further posts and for the kind words. I haven’t had time to look up Nicola Beer yet but I’m planning to do some reading round the subject at the weekend.

My head feels all over the place. This thread has been so helpful but it’s made me see things in a different way also. I feel the ground has shifted a bit - there was me thinking he was doing his utmost to make amends but so many of you see it differently, I know you don’t know us but I’ve tried to accurately portray the situation and so many of you are of the same mind :(.

I read a thread on here earlier from a lady who’s husband was messing her about last year. Lots of people told her to leave, he’d do it again. She didn’t leave, and he did do it again. I could identify so closely with the things she was saying about being unable to recognise the behaviour of this person she knew so well.

Why am I not able to see Dh’s behaviour in the same way that strangers on here are able to? How am I so apparently naive? :(. Honestly, this thread has been so enlightening - but I feel more mixed up than ever. He seems so loving and caring.

I was working with a colleague in her 60’s today. She has been with her husband since she was 16, very happily so. I found myself thinking “he’s probably cheated on you”. I don’t want to be a bitter sceptical person.

Your mind is trying to protect you like stages of grief-Denial,anger,bargaining,depression and acceptance as written by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Best of luck. How the hell this thread got derailed into a philosophy/sociology argument is beyond me

How am I so apparently naive?

It's not (entirely) naivety - we are detached, you aren't.

It's all very easy when it isn't happening to you.

Thank you both. I’ve sort of enjoyed the debate EKGEMS :). “Sort of” being the operative words!

Gilbert are you a therapist or a counsellor? You’re very knowledgeable.

@TysonFurry
That's just reminded me of my ex-partners mum. His dad had an affair 20 years ago, then again a free times over the years. We were sitting in her living room and she asked what I was doing that weekend. I said I was going to my parents to look after the animals as my dad was taking my mum away for her birthday and I described the holiday (very special to them). Her reply was "well he's probably cheated on her so dont sit there acting all smug about their perfect trip".
She was a horrible woman, like really nasty and bitter anyway. (When we told them I was pregnant, she said "well I wont be changing my life in anyway to help and dont expect us to buy anything". Announcing a planned pregnancy should be lovely but she made it all about her). So she was just a nasty person, but I always remembered her saying that my dad must have cheated because she couldn't stand the idea of a happy marriage.

Dont turn into her

Oh god Were she sounds really bitter. I hope I never get like that - whatever happens to me and Dh. I’m guessing she’s out of your life now.