Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

@GilbertMarkham

No, and in fact I need to resolve real issues in my own relationship or end it, but keep delaying .... Which goes to demonstrate what I've said about it being all very easy to see when it isn't you.

You don't have to make any decisions this minute - at least this thread will give you perspective and maybe some counselling would help too.

You mentioned somewhere that other things were issues/the infidelity is a possibile last straw ( is that right?)... Have you ever read Lundy Bancroft, his book is primarily about physical abuse but also covers all types and exposes a male attitude of entitlement and "authority"/power v well. It might also open your eyes to you dh's behaviour/character anx up you process things.

*and help you

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Sorry quote fail there, was responding to question about being a counsellor.

OP how do you feel today?

When I was in your situation I could not have told you my own name for the first six months never mind making any kind of decisions about what I needed or what kind of future I wanted, it felt like someone had kicked my legs out from under me. I ended up on meds, a tablet to sleep, a table for anxiety, a tablet for depression, I was zombified. I tried to encourage him to counselling but he did the whole "it's over, move on, you need to get over it" routine. He blamed me for his cheating, poor love was forced into it see, if only I had been shorter/taller/fatter/thinner (depending on the day of the week) then he wouldn't have had to cheat.

Another favourite tactic of his was rewriting the relationship history, perfectly bland days from the past suddenly became loaded with meaning and desperation where he had to cheat, he tied me in knots trying to make things right but never really accepted any fault for himself.

What it came down to was having a partner at home gave him an emotional safety net while sleeping around gave him a sense of freedom and sexual liberation and I knew at a gut level that although he was currently saying he loved me and was sorry (but taking no action to illustrate either of those things, work is hard after all, words are much easier) that one day someone would come along who he would believe would be worth imploding his (and mine) life for and he would be gone. I could not live like that, being a placeholder partner for an unengaged man who was not terribly sorry for what he had done to me, just terribly sorry that my distress was now inconveniencing him. You see he loved me in a way, he liked me very much. He enjoyed sex with me and enjoyed my company. He didn't want me to go anywhere (before he was done with me). He even wanted the best for me in an abstract kind of way (as long as it didn't damage his interests). But is that love, not really.

For now OP I would advise you to take as much time as you need, see a counsellor alone to help you think straight, you need to process this at your own rate, and if that annoys him remember that he has know about this much longer than you and knows the full truth, you don't so don't apologise for taking time to find your feet in this. I would also suggest having a look at www.chumplady.com and having a read of her book and also "Intimate Deception : Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal" Dr. Sheri Keffer both packed full of understanding from women who have been where we are. Please take care and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

(If you need copies of those books pm me and I will email pdf versions to you)

Everything that @ChuckleBuckles said!

I would just add that reading the (so-called) Reconciliation forum at Surviving Infidelity can be very enlightening. It is full of betrayed women pretzeling themselves to try and get their relationships with cheaters (who cannot be bothered to do the work) back on track.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=4

The distress and frustrations evident in many of those posts are very hard to witness. It's no way to live. In most cases, Chumlady's approach is so much healthier and ultimately more rewarding.

Thank you chuckle for asking after me, and thank you to all for the further book and website recommendations. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend!

Gilbert I hope whatever issues you have can be sorted - you sound so insightful. As far as I was aware there were no real issues in our marriage. I guess we’d become a bit complacent, but we seemed happy enough.

Hope you're doing OK, @TysonFurry

Ah chocolate how lovely of you to check in - thank you so much.

I wish I could tell you I was ok but I’m not! Done so much reading since starting this thread, and it’s influenced the way I think about Dh and the questions I’ve asked him. He’s stonewalling now - stock replies are “I can’t remember “ or “I don’t know”.

I have a solicitor’s appointment booked for next week (although don’t know if it will go ahead given the current situation), and I’m looking around for a counsellor for just me.

Can’t believe it’s come to this.

Something struck me in your comments

He says I’m viewing things through rose tinted glasses and that if ever he tried to address issues I would get angry, deny things and close the conversation down. I don’t recognise his version at all.

An affair is about an emotional disconnect between two people.

If you don’t both learn to validate and accept the other person’s view of what was hurting them then there is no possibility to build a good relationship.

You are both now feeling chronically “unsafe” with each other. If you want this to work, the first thing you must do is start practicing being a “safe” person for your partner to express their deepest hurts to.

You could try reading this together

www.alturtle.com/archives/1239

And then have a discussion.

Also, listen, together or alone,
to John Gottman

It is possible to do much of the initial behaviour change work alone and it will inspire your partner to work too, in the vast majority of cases.

It seems “unfair”, yes, that it’s you, but someone has to start the process. Someone has to show the other the skills they BOTH need to learn.

The alternative is : split and quite possibly make the same mistakes with a new partner.

By the way, his stonewalling is driven by fear and hurt. There sounds like a lot of deep feeling between you. My feeling is that with generosity of spirit and a deep acceptance of each other, combined with clearly but sympathetically communicated needs for changed behaviours , you can get through this

It will take 3 to 5 years, so hang in there.

or alternatively OP you could read The Script again. He cant justify his rewriting of history to make you the bad guy because he knows deep down it isnt true. He knows he's in th wrong and I just wants you to shut up about it and let him go back to how it was before...but you cant do that now.

This is about what you want. Its interesting that he's always the one who talks you into staying and not the other way round

you have to get to a point where you dont NEED him, only then can you decide if you still WANT him

A final point from me: for those with stories of “my friend/MIL forgave and he did it again” this indicates for me one thing: the partner that cheated again had not learned one of the skills of telling the truth at all costs. Telling the truth sometimes makes your partner unsafe, so we resist and the habit can become deeply ingrained between two people. The person receiving the truth has a part to play in this, which is twofold: to be patiently curious about their partner and find out everything going on in their world and to be a person who can receive a painful truth (I’ve started fancying someone else/feeling close to someone else) without punishing the person telling them. This is difficult and I think some couples don’t get to this last state of openness.

He’s stonewalling now - stock replies are “I can’t remember “ or “I don’t know”.

This is standard cheaters behaviour. It is NOT driven by fear and hurt, @Acetobacter.

I have a lot of respect for John Gottman, and the OP's husband is ticking all 4 boxes off the horsemen of the apocalypse. He puts all the blame for their marriage problems on her (criticism). He wont address the hurt his adultery has caused (defensiveness). His attitude towards her comes pretty close to contempt. Plus the stonewalling.

Each of these can kill a marriage. Gottman says he can help a couple overcome all four of them, but for this to be possible, both parties have to be on board. The OP's husband won't even consider counselling!

So, fuck this idea of being "patiently curious about their partner and find out everything going on in their world and to be a person who can receive a painful truth (I’ve started fancying someone else/feeling close to someone else) without punishing the person telling them".

No, just NO !!!

The OP asked “will I get over it?”

I think if you take the “he’s an arsehole, I’m an angel” approach ... you not only don’t really get over it, you don’t learn much and have a fair chance of failing in your next relationship.

If you learn to approach another person’s failings with patience, curiosity, and compassion you have a chance of becoming a better person, whatever the outcome of the relationship.

Just my two cents...

I don't think she will get over it because he is not sorry for doing it, only irritated by getting caught.

Ah OP. What a hard situation. In your early posts I was optimistic for you as a couple until I read he wouldn't go to counselling. That's game over. Marriages can and do recover quite often from this sort of situation but rarely without professional input from a therapist or counsellor.

Good luck going forward.

Hope you are ok OP. Great post by @ChuckleBuckles. Are you much happier now Chuckle?

@Acetobacter do go away.

There's a clear difference between genuine remorse and doing whatever it takes to save a marriage. And annoyance at being pestered. I think OP it's clear where your husband sits.

If you learn to approach another person’s failings with patience, curiosity, and compassion you have a chance of becoming a better person

So why did the OP husband not take that approach with his wife? Instead he spent 18 months deciding everyday to do something that he knew would hurt her? Why are women in these scenarios always told to be kind, patient and reflect on whatever failings they have that led to their husband sticking his di*k in another woman, repeatedly? If he felt disconnected or "unsafe" where was he putting in the work to reconnect? Oh right, he was shagging about because "unsafe". Patriarchal nonsense, women are not solely responsible for the emotional health of their relationships, they are one half, if the other half doesn't want to put in the effort you can't force them and you can't do the work for them.

@Notcoolmum I am much happier now, thank you. However I do have a tendency to get angry on behalf of other women in these same situations who are told guff like to work harder so he won't cheat.

I do have a tendency to get angry on behalf of other women in these same situations who are told guff like to work harder so he won't cheat

You and me both, @ChuckleBuckles .

Chumplady every time, and fuck the patriarchal shit pedaled by infidelity apologists like Acetobacter (who is probably a troll - but unfortunately there are too many of them IRL...).

@TysonFurry you are only a few years younger than my Mum (had me young) and the thought of her living in this limbo horrifies me. While you're with him, you're terrified to live alone and that threat hangs over you. At the very least I would say to have a trial separation, you'll see that you can indeed cope on your own.
What he does next will tell you what his intentions are.

The problem is I thought I didapproach things with patience, curiosity and compassion!

And in all honesty, I didn’t think we had any issues. I don’t remember these occasions when I’m supposed to have been angry and when I closed down conversations. Even now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can’t see how it all went wrong. I mean we had the usual minor irritations with one another but I thought we were happy. We spent all our free time together as a family, most weekends we were out doing family stuff.

I thought we were as close as ever.

Thank you all for further messages and support.

I don’t know if it’s living on my own I’m scared of but more living without him. But I am slowly coming to see him in a different light.

I don’t understand those who say that your argument isn’t with the OW, of course it is, and she bloody deserves an angry message now and again.
I couldn’t carry on with the marriage, the countless lies and utter betrayal would be too much. If you think you can really put this behind you and enjoy your life together that’s fine. If you think you can’t do that, cut him lose, however hard it is, it must be better than living with so much pain.
Best of luck, hope you find some peace.

I don’t know if it’s living on my own I’m scared of but more living without him. But I am slowly coming to see him in a different light.

@TysonFurry... it can be long drawn-out process. It took me FIVE years! How do I wish now that I had been braver, less focused on my vision of our close bond, more in tune in what is in my best interest!

I'm in my 60s and thought - as he kept telling me! - that we would be together until one of us dies. The very thought of it being otherwise seemed unfathomable to me. But here I am, on my own..... and so, so happy!

Can you - I think someone may have suggested this already - separate from him temporarily? This may give you the time and space you need to think clearly and come to a decision about what you really want. His reaction - whether he steps up and tries to do the work - will be interesting. If he remains passive, doesn't give a fig, walks away.... you'll know where you stand.