Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

Also...sex for some is the cement of the relationship. How can it be special....if your partners doing it with everyone? I prefer to be monogamous but I except that not everyone wants to.

Im 10 years in.Im the one that had multiple affairs.Dp found out.He forgave me.

I didnt have the affairs because u didnt love my dp.I did it because i was bored.Like you together since teens.We had kids together.

I wont lie its hard,and we do have wobbles.But im glad he forgave me,we have a great life now.Always make time for each other.

Only you can decide if its worth the fight,but if you stay you cant keep throwing it back to him.You either forgive or you dont.

But i got an ultimatum if i done it again or he found out something else .Thats it we would have been done.Its been 10 years of a hard slog but we have a better relationship now.And if i ever feel like that again,i will just leave.

My colleague forgave her husband’s affair and for the last seven years they’ve tried their best to save their marriage. They are closer than ever before, and have fallen in love all over again, they’ve moved on...

And she’s just found out he’s been at it again with someone else! She’s wasted seven years on him saving a marriage when she’d have been better walking away then.

My mother in law forgave her husband. He did a good show of being the perfect husband and dad, then buggered off after mucking her about for 10 years.

We only know that this is the only time he got caught in the last 20 years. He went for 18 months without getting caught. There could have been many shorter hookups.

Prior to that he was monogamous for 30+ long years, and was a good husband

Big assumption on both counts.

People who cheat on a d lie to their souse for eighteen months are somewhat unlikely to be wonderful, respectful, unselfish, kind, decent, lovely partners in all other ways .. not impossible of course, but very unlikely.

Seems like he knows he can do pretty much anything to op and she won't leave him because he's all she'ss known since 18 and she's scared. He also sounds like the main bread winner.

*spouse

*And she’s just found out he’s been at it again with someone else! She’s wasted seven years on him saving a marriage when she’d have been better walking away then.

My mother in law forgave her husband. He did a good show of being the perfect husband and dad, then buggered off after mucking her about for 10 years.*

The other thing that the cheater will never say, and that the victim will never realise (or at least want to realise) that, while the cheater may say they didn't think through to the ultimate consequence of their affair, in reality we do mostly make an almost subconscious weighing up of the value and consequences of our actions. In the car if cheating, somewhere in there (no matter how much it's denied) is a lack of value for the primary relationship, and an acceptance of the ultimate consequence of the cheating (that the relationship will end and they'll "lose" that person). People know in their hearts that it's always a possibility they'll get found out, and its always a possibility/risk they their existing partner will leave, permanently. (Usually the potential new partner in the firm of the affair partner mitigates the gear of being alone/left with noone).
When it comes facing that, and the fact that it does still cause them pain, loss, adjustment, fear, inconvenience (emotional and practical/financial) etc etc. the cheater will thrash about, get upset, get scared, say they want to save the relationship ...
But ultimately that fundamental lack of value for the relationship and partner is still there, as illustrated by the above examples. In many cases they just want to get back control of the situation, of their life - which has gotten out of their control by their partners reaction and possible action, but it will often show through sooner or later (that deep down they can actually throw away that relationship).

Any ideas on how to proceed?

Divorce if you have any sense, or you are giving him permission to do it again, why should he stop when you are encouraging him.

So sorry you are going through this, you are worth so much more and I hope you realise this before he does it again.

Thank you for further replies. I’m reading and trying to assimilate. Have read a bit of the chumplady site too.

I’m trying to see Dh through the eyes of posters like Gilbert and Tork. On some level, what you (and other posters of the same opinion) say makes total sense to me - but only when applied to other men, not my Dh. I read your words and think “yes, that’s a good point but doesn’t apply to us”. It’s the old “it’ll never happen to me” thing. I look at Dh and think of this man I’ve known for ever and made my life with and think “yes, there are men who would do those things, behave that way, with those thought processes, but not Dh”.

Except all the evidence I have points to the fact that Dh would do that and must have those thought processes. But I can’t get it to sink in.

I feel so confused. People have asked what do I want - the honest answer is I want my old life back. I had thought Dh did too going by his actions and apparent remorse. Maybe he does want it back but not for the right reasons.

Going by what actions? Hes refused counselling and kept in contact with her after you found out. Are those the actions of someone who wants their life with their wife?

His "back to normal" is having an affair. That's his normal now.

Some thing may apply - others not.

Only you can know what is right for you.

True your old life has gone.
But you can have something better , stronger.
All relationships change over time.
They're suppose to.

You do not have to dump him immediately. You can also live a double life for a few months. Build up your own life as an independent woman knowing you might have to get rid within the next year or two. Change your mindset. Make new friends. Train. Work. Get your life in order.

Going by his actions since I found the second phone Were. He’s seemed really sorry since then and done a lot to appease me. Apart from refusing counselling but I’m going to ask him again about that.

Tork I plan to go and see a solicitor for advice if I can find one that offers free initial appointments. And see if I can access training through work.

What when he leaves you. When your son is grown up and left home and he doesn't need you in the same way. Won't you wish you left him then?

18 months is a long time. He said he loved her. He begged her not to end it. He was found out. He didn't confess. He lied to you and got a second phone to continue his relationship. Whilst pretending to feel remorse. He refuses to do counselling when you feel it will help.

What ACTIONS has he taken to make amends?

I couldn't forgive. And I honestly think if you take him back he will leave you. When he doesn't need you to parent his son.

I think “appease” is a really interesting word to use. It suggests that what he’s doing is saying whatever he thinks you want to hear to get you to shut up while not actually really recognising the damage he’s done to you

I think if you have any future he has to truly recognise what he’s done by showing you how he’s remorseful & that he’s changed rather than just saying it. Words are cheap....

@SeaEagleFeather
Charming

I can never understand people on here being so rude if someone has a difference of opinion.

It's childish and immature.

No one knows everything and it's beyond me how people think they do.

If you disagree move on without taking a poke.

Not charming, unlike promises as slick, sweet and empty as a melted toffee.

I’m trying to see Dh through the eyes of posters like Gilbert and Tork. On some level, what you (and other posters of the same opinion) say makes total sense to me - but only when applied to other men, not my Dh

@TysonFurry I was the same at first about my ex and the way he was (different issue.) The sisters here were like 'what would you say to one of us/a friend that was in this situation?' I said I'd say she should get rid of the bloke, but when it came to me and the ex I couldn't be objective and felt I just needed to tell him what I was unhappy with, or whatever.

Then I found that the thread made me more aware of what was going on (or maybe the issues between he and I were coming to a head, and that's why I'd started the thread, as I was feeling uncomfortable.)

Only a few days would go by and something else I disliked would happen, then another thing etc. And at the same time people were still raising my awareness of what he was like in the thread, with every new event I mentioned.

Soon I couldn't do anything but end it with him.

Anyway- sorry for wittering on, but please keep an eye out for what's happening, stuff he says/does and anything that you find unpleasant, write it in the thread.

And read the advice in general- see how it makes sense when looking at what's happening.

Going by his actions since I found the second phone Were. He’s seemed really sorry since then and done a lot to appease me

But you know it's all insincere, or could be. You can't tell what part of what he says in true and what's false- so the whole wine's contaminated with sh*t.

NoMore thank you for that. I do feel that the thread has given me things to consider which had never occurred to me, and already I am starting to look at him slightly differently. It had never crossed my mind for example that he was manipulative but someone pointed out that he’d talked ow round from ending things, and he’d also talked me round from splitting.

I find it almost impossible to look at him objectively, he’s just Dh to me and not capable of these horrible deeds. I’m also happy to admit I’m pretty naive, and I’m coming to think I’m not particularly emotionally intelligent :(.

Before this thread, I saw Dh doing his utmost to mend things. Now I’m questioning everything again. I’m still struggling with the concept of why he’d be so remorseful if he didn’t want to make amends but several posters have offered up explanations.

What if you hadn't found out about the affair?
He would still be having it.

What if you hadn't found the second phone?
He would still be using it.

The only reason he's not having sex with her right now is because you caught him... twice. He hasn't chosen to not cheat on you; he's been caught and been made to stop... twice.

You need to open your eyes. Relationships can recover from affairs when both partners want that, and when they both commit to repair the damage and really take care of each other. He isnt doing that. The first time around, he went and got a second phone. The second time around, he's refused to go to counselling and just wants you to drop it. He isn't trying to fix your marriage; he just wants you to let it go, go back to being oblivious and then he can do as he pleases.

Not charming, unlike promises as slick, sweet and empty as a melted toffee.

Why is bitter ?
@sea

Something very similar happened with my parents; they had been together a long time like you. There were endless nights of rowing and sobbing, but my mum was pretty determined to forgive my dad and she did, but it was painful to watch. At the time I kind of felt that she should kick him out. One of the things that worried her was the financial side of it, selling the house etc. I get that it is a big loss and a hassle, but I think it sounds like you would be happier in the long run if you made the break. I get what others have said about you DH biding his time till your DS is older.