Dh had an 18 month affair. Will I get over it?

[TysonFurry]

Dh and I met when we were 18. We’ve been together for nearly 35 years. We have 1 ds who is 14.

December 2019 I found out he’d been having an affair. He’s admitted to 18 months, and from all the researching through his phone that I’ve done, and bank records etc, I can’t find any trace of this going further back. But I’m very aware of the minimising that will have gone on.

In April 2019 I caught him one night with another phone :(. Big row ensued and I contacted the ow. She asked if I wanted to meet so we did. Her version of events broadly matched his and bizarrely I ended up feeling sorry for her.

The months went on. Dh is adamant he doesn’t want us to split. He loves me and ds unreservedly. We went on holiday in the summer, mainly for ds, but it was much better than I’d expected it to be. The months leading up to Christmas, and Christmas and new year themselves, were very hard as the previous year things had been in full flow with Dh and ow. Again, we put on a show for ds and family we had staying as this was going to be our last family Christmas.

Through the last year we’ve reached the point of splitting about 6 times. But he always talks me round or I get frightened about the future and back down. He is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have many friends and my family are miles away.

I have text ow a few times, eg on the anniversary of the day I found out, a few times in December, and most recently in February. I will admit to having called her some awful things, and wished bad things to happen to her etc. She always replies very measuredly, and I have to say, tactfully. By that I mean that I have heard from friends of friends that she has been completely blindsided by what has happened and is devastated. But she never says things like that to me, just apologises, says she’s as much to blame as he was, completely believed all he was telling her, wishes me well etc. And so far, everything I’ve heard from her tallies with what Dh has told me. Dh has tried to sell the whole thing as a midlife crisis and being just about sex. But I know they did things like go for walks and to pubs and to dinner etc. I suspect he sent her flowers on a couple of occasions too

I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m certain I love Dh and want us to close this horrible chapter. Other times I really hate him and can’t get the thought of them together out of my head. We’ve probably talked more these last 12 months than any other time, we’ve made more effort to go out as a family, as a couple, to socialise, have weekends away etc. I know that he lied to ow, and I actually do believe that she believed him - if that makes sense. But of course I also know he lied to me and I also believed him. He is the very picture of repentance - but he also was between December 2018 and April 2019 when he was in fact back in touch with her.

I’m rambling now! Any ideas on how to proceed?

Robin

What we see are only a few examples of people cheating and being caught.
And you also seem to be only referring to men doing it, where it’s quite obvious it’s men and women who engage in that.

If I were to guess you are in your 30s, and possibly either have small children or about to. Women in your age group have a very strong programming to be coupled and have kids and focus on raising them.
Then come years of raising the kids, changes that it brings to the relationship, and aging.
So people deal with it in different ways. Cheating is one.
It doesn’t have to be some sort of addiction

And, Robin
I am not saying all of that to poke you or to make you feel bad.
Of course, not everyone will cheat, and all kinds of long relationships are possible.
It’s just, at least for me, I prefer to see the world as it is, not as I’d like it to be.

I actually agree that a LOT more cheating goes on than is ever caught - and there are a lot of deceived wives and husbands - but you seem to have some sort of weird agenda to make that okay, Josuk.

It isn't okay unless you both -genuinely- agree to an open relationship. Lies, deception, the chance of STIs, the financial loss that comes with meals out with your affair partner, the lack of focus at home, again, the lies and deception and manipulations are not ok.

SeaEagle

I have never said it’s ok, or engaged in any moral discussions about it.
All I am saying is that it’s better to realise the reality of the world we live in, rather than assume that we live in some fairy tale.
And also - that life is nuanced and long and things happen.

As a society we forgive and attempt to rehabilitate even the worst criminals. Major religions also all promote forgiveness.
So it seems unfair when people, who chose to follow that route get criticised.

@Josuk..... even if all you say were to be true...

The fact is that infidelity utterly destroys relationships. You can argue till the cows come home that monogamy is unnatural. Whether or not this is true, the betrayed partner will, in most cases, be totally devastated. Trust is fundamental to a committed partnership and, once broken, may never be recovered. This is the reality of infidelity.

In most cases, the best that can be hoped for is a conscious and mutual decision to put it all behind and focus on the future. But for this to happen, the cheating spouse has to be totally on board and committed - as in owning the fact that what he has done is unforgivable, truly appreciate his partner's gift of forgiveness, and do whatever it takes to repair the relationship.

However, in real life, this rarely happens. Cheaters will justify what they did (because whatever you did was beyond awful, he felt so very unappreciated, and he was soooooo unhappy and he couldn't possibly not fuck someone else.....). He will obfuscate, insist that it is time to move on (because it didn't mean anything), "we're good", et cetera.

No, no, no. Just no. We are worth more than this shift. Amen.

SHIT !!!
Not shift...
Bloody autocorrect.

@Josuk is bang on the money, which is rare for this board. It mirrors what i see in RL

Sadly it mirrors a lot of what I see irl too; jeeze, the number of married men who hit on me when I was younger, thinner and working.

But forgiveness for a cruel wound is a long long hard road and it can't be forced, and sometimes never comes even when the person would like it to.

A lot of people live with buried mistrust and pain from an affair. It's a question of which way do you get least pain? by leaving or by trying to 'get over it' and living without trust? Only the OP can answer that, though living with deep mistrust is a miserable way to live.

A -very- few couples genuinely get through it and have a stronger marriage, but the partners of most cheaters just have to put up and shut up in the end, or else leave.

@Josuk
Actually I'm -
Mid fifties
Kids all flown the nest.

Been round the blocked more times than like to remember.

Married to my best friend for 22 years.

Lost my first love due to My (female) infidelity.

Hard lesson not to be repeated.

And setting aside exit affairs and serial womanisers , the general married man who use to come on to me (of which their were manny) were unhappy in their marriages.

The happily married men were too busy working , sleeping , doing hobbies , taking their wife on a fabulous holiday, going down the pub with said wife or entertaining friends and family in their lovely homes , which they made / brought / done up with their spouses.

They were too busy having fun in their lives with their wives to have time ti be unfaithful

SeaEagle

If you listen to what Esther or other therapists are saying about what drives people - it may help at least some people to move on from infidelity and not end up in a miserable place you described.
The OP, for example is grappling with the question how can he love me and sleep with someone else. That’s because the idea that sex=love is so ingrained.
But it’s not that for all. And especially when we talk about lifetime of sex life with just one person.

So people who categorically state that her H doesn't love her and she should leave have some crystal ball who sees through a person they have never met.
Why not let the OP figure it out for herself, without making her feel bad for wanting to?

FFS.

The OP's husband had an affair that lasted 18 (EIGHTEEN!!!) months. He is not remorseful. He is just going through the motions. He is not doing what he needs to do to help his spouse get over his betrayal and heal.

He is making it as clear as day that she is Option B.

Esther P... whatever her name is, is an apologist for adulterers. @TysonFurry - don't listen to her shit.

Yes a man can love his wife and have sex with someone else - so can women.

It's not ideal because the you have to lie , feel guilty.

Ideally you married your best friend and have lots of meaningful sex , with them in a fulfilling relationship - for the rest of your lives.

It is not boring (having sex with the same person. )

Someone once said:

"Do you want to have the SAME sex with different women or DIFFERENT sex with the same woman?"

@TysonFurry

Is the OW single herself?,does she have children?.im assuming giving timelines in your thread your early fifties?,is she the same age?.

Was she hoping your DH would leave you for her?.If it had continued without you discovering it would he have left you?.

I imagine that the hardest part of all this for you is the emotional attachment that formed between them.No woman wants to hear their DH has declared his love for another woman.

I think you need to dig deeply inside yourself and ask yourself if you truly believe you can get past this as it sounds as though its torturing you and that's unfair.You did nothing wrong.

I have friends who have been the victims of extra marital affairs and although they've tried to work things through and forgive their DH's it's led to a split further down the line as ultimately they couldn't get over it.

Esther P... whatever her name is, is an apologist for adulterers

Esther Perel.

And yes she is.

She can blether on a day (and by fk does she blether) about the flaws in.monogamy, but ultimately it's betrayal, deceit, treating your partner shit, letting them play by rules you're no longer playing by yourself etc.
If you've got to the point when monogamy is no longer feasible for you with that person, then discuss it and end the relationship or agree an open one. But that's just so unrealistic and so ridiculous an idea, right?

It's so unrealistic only because those people want to have their cake and eat it, because they're extremely selfish, because they think they're entitled, because they are ok with deceiving those closest to them etc.

That's the reality, not the monogamy flaws.

Also by all studies male infidelity is considerably higher than female; so the people you are expecting to swallow all this deceit and pain and betrayal etc. are more likely to be women than men.

I'd also point out that of many men who cheat, the pragmatic, stoical, forgiving attitude Esther Perel (and the men) expect would never ever be reciprocated if their wives were the cheaters. Many men I know who've cheated are actually very jealous, possessive and controlling towards their partners.

So it's hypocrisy, entitlement, and inequality that's the real game behind all the bullshit talk.

The OP, for example is grappling with the question how can he love me and sleep with someone else. That’s because the idea that sex=love is so ingrained

You really are ignoring that it was eighteen months aren't you josuk? That the OW thought it was more? That there was so much deceit and lying for so long?

This isn't 'facing reality as it is'. This is bullshit trying to justify having affairs and there's an ugly smell of gaslighting going on "it's natural, almost everyone does it, forgive it"

Esther Perel is a highly respected psychologist that has worked with couples for many years.
She isn’t promoting any point of view, and certainly isn’t promoting infidelity.
What she IS doing is holding a mirror to relationships and relaying her observations.

Incidentally she also has a book called Mating in Captivity. Focused on long term monogamous relationships and what makes them work.

She isn’t promoting any point of view, and certainly isn’t promoting infidelity.

Noone said she was "promoting" infidelity (as if it needs any promotion), but she is certainly excusing, minimising and being an apologist for it - in anything I have ever seen with her.

As I said it's all great, very logical, very realistic & pragmatic ... But the reality is that cheating is a choice the cheater makes, rather than be honest and act with integrity. All the discussions are the feasibility of monogamy are by the by.

*around

Most cheaters cheat while expecting/accepting/ensuring (so much as they can) that their main partner remains monogamous.

(Sone are also ironically very keen in fidelity/monogamy from their affair partner).

So "monogamy isn't realistic" is a bit of a red herring.

The real cruz is "some people (mostly men let's face it) want their main partner, or all their partners, to be monogamous with them; while they are polygamous/polygynous" ... Which is not quite so simple or "equal" as "monogamy is unrealistic".

*crux

EP has a very high profile.
Mostly she is a self promoter.
She may not be promoting infidelity, but she sure is trying to find every which way for people (mostly men) to get away with it.
The people who end up destroyed by infidelity are mostly women.
Men tend to go through the motions, they are so very sorry (but not remorseful...), it just happened, it didn't mean anything, let's move on, I love you I really do...
Fuck this shit.
Read Chumplady and let him go and whistle.

She isn’t an apologist. Her job is not to prosecute and stone the adulterers.
He job is to help people deal with issues in their relationships.

In your view - when we don’t give up on people committing crimes as a society - does it make us crime apologists?
When I forgive and work with my kid when she steals smth belonging to their sibling - and try to understand what lead to it - do I become a theft apologist?

This is what a counsellor does - helps people get to the bottom of what they do and why. And then - they can make their decisions - with an actual understanding of what lead to the behaviours.

OP had sex with someone else for a 1.5 years. Prior to that he was monogamous for 30+ long years, and was a good husband. It is an impressive track record. Most of us here wouldn’t be able to have done that.
And should be taken into account.

@Josuk some people want to be monogamous, some people don't. You have to do what's right for you....but it's important to be honest. I have been married for 20 years and whilst I see others that I fancy all the time, I've never met anyone worth losing my husband for. Whilst I believe people can have sex without being in love, I don't think you can cheat on someone you truly love. I still feel the pain from my fathers affair and I have been cheated on as an adult and it's so painful....so I don't believe you can do that to someone you love.