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Original poster

Served drinks by topless girls

181 replies

mamato3lads · 06/03/2020 13:10

Afternoon ladies

Some of you might remember my post about DH going to benidorm for a stag do and my anxiety around that.

Well, hes going, with my blessing and a genuine hope he enjoys himself. However due to me finding porn and other things on his phone last year, we have had a bad year and I have asked for complete honesty as any lies, no matter how small, are going to floor me. So we discussed benidorm and he said they weren't going to a lap dance club (which I would NOT have liked) but they are booked in to a place where the girls serve the drinks topless. Not naked but boobs out.

I don't know what to make of this or how to react. I mumbled when he first told me as the kids were about and I needed to be sure I wasnt being a dickhead about this

But now I have time to think I'm.just not sure
Is this ok?? Am I trying too hard here to accept this is what happens on stag dogs?? I just dont know
Obviously i would rather he didnt spend the evening with a load of topless women but I dont want to be a stick in the mud and I am 99% sure he wouldn't cheat on me.

Would you be ok with this ? Is it just lads stuff no harm or should I be tougher on him and say I'm not happy? Sad

OP posts:
Olawisk · 06/03/2020 13:15

It personally wouldn’t bother me.. they won’t be allowed to touch and most of the women in Benidorm will be hardly dressed.

If you trust him, what’s the problem?

He will probably see far worse in the shows some of the bars put on!! When I went a women was dancing around and proceeded to suck on a lolly that she then stuck up herself and put in some guys mouth! (Willingly) and that was in a normal bar...

anotherdisaster · 06/03/2020 13:18

OP you will get lots of different opinions on this. The main thing here is do YOU think its OK? Sounds like you're not ok with it. I'll be honest, I wouldn't like the idea of it but then if I trusted my OH and he was going because everyone else was as part of a stag do, I would probably just have to suck it up. This is down to how you feel about it.
The problem is, if you tell him you're not comfortable and you don't want him to go, how is he supposed to be the only one to opt out? I would then worry that he goes and then lies about it.

anotherdisaster · 06/03/2020 13:21

I agree with @Olawisk too. There will be topless women on the beaches etc and I think she was referring to Sticky Vicky who is well known in Benidorm. Its definitely not as bad as a lapdancing club.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/03/2020 13:21

Sounds like a classy place Olawisk Grin. Doesn’t sticky Vicky fire ping pong balls out of her bits in one of the bars?

Luckystar20 · 06/03/2020 13:22

You clearly have an issue with youre DH going away in this holiday

BumbleBeee69 · 06/03/2020 13:22

Not a chance.. I'd rather be a stick in the mud.. than pretend to be happy for my DH to sit on his arse being served by topless women... because I would be pretending to be happy about it.. so No he wouldn't have my blessing...

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/03/2020 13:24

I actually wouldn't be ok with it no OP but I wouldnt interested in marrying a misogynist either, nor someone who disregarded my feelings or made me feel I couldn't challenge them without feeling worried. He should be an equal partner, not your superior.

Women don't exist for the male gaze and the whole thing is vile, as is porn, women are treated appallingly as part of the industry.

Timely reminder that we don't have to agonise over whether men will approve of our criticisms or what we can get away with challenging them on. Nor must we 'accept' all the boys will be boys nonsense on a stag do or anywhere else.

You sound very upset by it OP and that won't change will it, because he will do that/similar regardless and the dynamic is set, he isn't a team player, you're submissive to him and the excuse is that he's male and we can't win if men want to do what they want to do Confused.

I have male friends (and a dp) who wouldn't attend something like that. It hasn't formed a part of any friends stag do's that I know as a person over the age of 30, and DP declined to attend a strip club stag do last year as soon as it was offered, then came home and said how cringeworthy the suggestion was. The whole thing is pathetic, paying for womens bodies, he's a punter if he goes.

MashedSpud · 06/03/2020 13:26

How degrading.

It would be different if it was some burlesque routine with feathers etc, just a glimpse or two but topless waitresses....classy....

Delbelleber · 06/03/2020 13:28

No way!

Pentium85 · 06/03/2020 13:30

Women often get butlers in the buff, absolutely no different.

Your relationship sounds a mess if I’m honest.

You don’t trust him, he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

GilbertMarkham · 06/03/2020 13:30

Uuugh.

Before all the bullshit continues about how there'll be girls on the beach topless; girls on the beach topless are not doing it for money, and not doing it (intentionally) for male titillation (pun intended).

The women in the bar are doing something totally out of the ordinary (serving drinks with their breasts exposed) for male titillation.

Why does your DH hang out with guys who feel sleaze had to be part of a stag do. They're choosing benidorm partly for "opportunities' like that, says a lot about them.

mintich · 06/03/2020 13:31

I just googled Sticky Vicky! Shes retired now, 76 years old!!

GilbertMarkham · 06/03/2020 13:32

Women often get butlers in the buff, absolutely no different.

Are men's buttocks directly equivalent to women's breasts?

How come the sun and star don't have page 3 with men's asses then?

GilbertMarkham · 06/03/2020 13:33

I just googled Sticky Vicky! Shes retired now, 76 years old!!

She must have excellent pelvic floor strength for a 76 yr old.

Pentium85 · 06/03/2020 13:34

@gilbertmarkham

A mans chest shouldn’t be viewed different to a woman.

How is a man, with no top on etc, serving drinks because women find him attractive to look at, any different to a woman doing the same?

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 13:37

OP I don’t think this is the relationship for you. You can’t turn somebody into who you want them to be when they aren’t that person. All you end up with is a partner who agrees with you to keep the peace but has no personal feelings to back that up and therefore will likely do stuff they think is harmless if they want to.

Why are you staying in this relationship when it clearly causes you so much angst and he’s likely no happier?

The drinks thing is tacky, but I can absolutely see why he doesn’t want to be the one guy on the trip who stays behind at the hotel whilst all his friends go out.

DingleberryRose · 06/03/2020 13:44

It wouldn’t bother me one bit. I’m also not phased by strip clubs, private lap dances or porn so long as everything is above board.

For example:

Getting a private lap dance: fine!

Getting a private lap dance and then fixating on the one dancer. Going back time after time to see her. Paying special attention: not fine!

It’s about intention.

GilbertMarkham · 06/03/2020 13:44

A mans chest shouldn’t be viewed different to a woman.

Bit it is - vastly.

That's why page 3 exists, that's mostly why strip clubs exist, that's why topless showgirl Vegas shows exist, that's why breast implants exist, that's why push up, padded bras exist, that's why common porn searches are "busty", "big tits", "small tits", "natural tits" etc. That's why this bar exists that ops dh and his group are planning on going to (and apparently topless or nearly topless shot girls are common in bars in areas of Oz, I could go on.

Breasts are filled with fat and developed partly as a sexual signal to males when we became upright and might be seen from the front as well as the back (they are essentially pretend buttocks) as are innately sexual, as well as functional.

Laurenxx12 · 06/03/2020 13:45

I think it's 'cool to be cool' about this sort of stuff. I think most people lie to themselves about being 'cool' with it. However, I don't want to be that annoying, insecure wife either so I would never ask him. We have spoken about boundaries in relation to what we believe would be cheating and I trust him not to cheat. He probably wouldn't feel great about some of the stuff that goes on on hen doos.

BigFatLiar · 06/03/2020 13:59

If you're not happy about it say don't sit and fester silent resentment.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 06/03/2020 14:07

Op this is your second thread in as many weeks asking if you have the right to feel upset about your husband sexualising and objectifying other women. And, exactly like your last thread, you have had some people say they wouldn't be happy, and others say they wouldn't mind. But what's very very clear is that YOU mind. So the question isn't "do I have the right to be upset", but "why do I feel like I need permission to be upset". Even if every single poster here tells you they wouldn't mind, even if every other person on the planet tells you they wouldn't mind, all that matters is how you feel. You can set any boundary you like, literally anything. If you don't want your husband eating apples on a Tuesday, that's your right. Of course he would then have the right to say "no I want to eat apples on a Tuesday so I'm leaving". But you can literally set the bar wherever is right for you. Your relationship does not exist in comparison to anyone else's relationship, it just has to work for you. So stop reacting to every situation like this as it comes up, stop double checking online if your feelings are valid, and start having some honest conversations with yourself about what you will and won't tolerate. Start trusting yourself and honouring your own needs. Decide for yourself on what terms you are happy to conduct your relationship. And then tell him, and decide between you if you are willing to stay together on those terms.

KaptenKrusty · 06/03/2020 14:10

Wow I wouldn't care about that at all!

TBH if one of my Male friends had a partner who was being the way you are I'd probably be advising he run a mile! You are coming across as very controlling!

There is obviously some problems in your relationship - you need to tackle what that is first and learn to trust your husband - otherwise you are going to get upset and stressed everytime a lads night out/weekend away comes up

you either trust him 100% or you don't!

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 06/03/2020 14:13

Its all tacky tacky tacky as are the bolkes that go. Not my sort of men.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 06/03/2020 14:14

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings
Spot on,

Sunflowersok · 06/03/2020 14:16

I agree with above posters, I believe that you have deeper issues here such as trust in your partner. Standard stag do stuff, he can’t just sit out of his whilst his mates enjoy himself, I’m sure it’s not him who has organised this on his own it will be a collective thing. Typical lads stuff. Let him have this one Op!