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Original poster

Served drinks by topless girls

181 replies

mamato3lads · 06/03/2020 13:10

Afternoon ladies

Some of you might remember my post about DH going to benidorm for a stag do and my anxiety around that.

Well, hes going, with my blessing and a genuine hope he enjoys himself. However due to me finding porn and other things on his phone last year, we have had a bad year and I have asked for complete honesty as any lies, no matter how small, are going to floor me. So we discussed benidorm and he said they weren't going to a lap dance club (which I would NOT have liked) but they are booked in to a place where the girls serve the drinks topless. Not naked but boobs out.

I don't know what to make of this or how to react. I mumbled when he first told me as the kids were about and I needed to be sure I wasnt being a dickhead about this

But now I have time to think I'm.just not sure
Is this ok?? Am I trying too hard here to accept this is what happens on stag dogs?? I just dont know
Obviously i would rather he didnt spend the evening with a load of topless women but I dont want to be a stick in the mud and I am 99% sure he wouldn't cheat on me.

Would you be ok with this ? Is it just lads stuff no harm or should I be tougher on him and say I'm not happy? Sad

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 07/03/2020 08:53

It sounds absolutely ridiculous tbh. BOOBIES. Grow up fgs.

Women are more that a pair of tits and a fuck hole.

And no - my husband isn't wanking to porn when my back is turned. He doesn't follow 'sexy' women on social media. He doesn't go to strip clubs with his mates. He's never visited a prostitute.

He used to work with male violent offenders and has seen and heard first hand, the objectification of women and the damage it does.

So no, he wouldn't go to a titty bar and if he did, that's the the kind of man I would want to be with.

PositiveVibez · 07/03/2020 08:54

Not saying he's perfect btw, but in the aspect of respecting fellow human beings. He's good.

SinkGirl · 07/03/2020 09:58

I agree Positive - it’s just so pathetic. Giggling schoolboys paying to look at boobs. I could not find a man like that attractive. Bleugh. And that’s even before getting into the misogyny of it.

BigFatLiar · 07/03/2020 10:44

Asked OH about this and he thinks it just a bit sad. Its juvenile lets all be lads on the town and this is what we're meant to do. He suspects most would rather go to a cheaper bar and drink but noone will want to say.

I did ask if he would go and he said if he wants a naked lady he has me at home.

AngelsSins · 07/03/2020 11:24

What a load of nonsense. The logic is that you don't mind a sexist, objectifying industry that exploits vulnerable women, increases sexual assaults in the area, makes all women less safe, but particularly those women in the industry. You don't mind trafficking, women being 'owned' by the clubs, the rampant abuses, the fact that mostly poor, survivors of abuse and vulnerable women do it...because you wuv your honey

I love and trust mine too. Mostly because he's not a cunt

^ This. I have no respect for men who don’t respect women. And to add, WOMEN HAVING BOUNDARIES WITHIN THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIPS, IS NOT CONTROLLING. I don’t know why so many women insist we have to be passive passengers in our own lives.

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 07/03/2020 11:36

Going to a place like that would be a deal breaker for me. Mainly because I feel so sorry for the young women working there, no little girl dreams of doing that job when she grows up.

MMmomDD · 07/03/2020 12:03

OP - your insecurities might drive him away, but more importantly they’ll keep you stuck in this anxious and unhappy place for a long time. And it’s seems a very sad place to be in.
Have you thought about therapy for yourself?

As to seeing boobs. You seem to be under impression that he doesn’t already see boobs and sexy women around him daily.
He goes to the gym? - well most women are there in very tight and revealing gym gear. Bums, waists, boobs - all in close proximity.
Then there are offices and streets. Especially in the summer.
Your husband sees sexually attractive women on a daily basis. It’s human nature and can’t be shut off. Seeing other people as sexy doesn’t mean he will be going after them.
Realising and accepting will really help you.
Please get some help

testing987654321 · 07/03/2020 12:10

I have no respect for men who don’t respect women. And to add, WOMEN HAVING BOUNDARIES WITHIN THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIPS, IS NOT CONTROLLING. I don’t know why so many women insist we have to be passive passengers in our own lives.

Even going to Hooters would be a deal breaker for me. Paying money to companies based on the objectification of women? Not a value I could support.

It's completely different to seeing women going about their daily lives at the gym etc.

angell84 · 07/03/2020 12:42

Yes it is important for women to have boundaries in their relationship.

I would not want my boyfriend to go to a topless club.

I don't think he should see other naked women.
And I also don't like those places that disrespect women

MMmomDD · 07/03/2020 12:59

OP isn’t struggling with the issues of boundaries or women objectification.
She clearly says HER issues are insecurity over the idea he can find other women attractive.
Telling her that she should instead object to topless bars for the reasons of exploitation won’t help her deal with her issues.
And she’ll then move on to other places her H sees women and obsess about those.
She needs to deal with her own insecurities first

ilovepixie · 07/03/2020 13:02

You can't touch the girls. The bouncers will see yo that! There's also near naked girls dancing on podiums in normal bars. But no one pays them any attention!

Original poster
mamato3lads · 07/03/2020 13:20

@MMmomDD you are spot on and talk a lot of sense. I KNOW I need to get a grip...I think I'm still hysterical bonding from my perceived "cheating" when I found out about the porn, sexy pics etc on his phone. It triggered feelings and emotions that have taken a year to even simmer down...but still raging inside me and tormenting me. I have no idea why I'm like this, I'm 42, I have 3 kids with DH and he has been a sweetheart to me all these years. Yet I'm chronically insecure! So.weird, so shit and I am trying so hard to not make it his problem, although he is aware and tries really hard to soothe me. Your words have helped me. Thank.you x

@probablysue you made me absolutely crack up laughing Grin thank you !!

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 07/03/2020 13:27

@Figgygal

Good point. I often wonder this. I'm a hermit, prefer to stay home type anyway. I've got the kids etc. I go yoga 3 mornings a week but that's it, and DH is there too, he waits in the sauna for me. Other than that, we work together (at home) and spend all of our time together, at home or we go for drinks/meal/weekend hotel trips.often. but always together. DH says that's the way he likes it and I'm not bothered as I'm not sociable and do not give one shit about going out with the girls or anything like that. I have a few friends but we dont go out.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/03/2020 13:28

I know, I have seen your other posts.
And I know it’s been a while and you don’t feel any better.
So - I think therapy and doing something for yourself to build your confidence is the only way for you to get to some better place.

Do you exercise yourself? Do you have a life of your own - friends? Go out?
Spending all your time with kids makes us feel sluggish and feel older and less attractive than we are.
Go out, try to have fun and don’t fixate on your H and women around - and you’ll see how your life outlook will change.
I think exercise is especially helpful - you’ll feel toned up, see other people. And one day you’ll see some guy at the gym that is attractive in that tight top - and notice that feeling. And realise that you have no desire to grab him and have sex there and then. And then, maybe you’ll start understanding that other people attractiveness isn’t a threat to your relationship.

That and a safe place to talk about it with a professional.

testing987654321 · 07/03/2020 13:48

The insecurity doesn't seem to be about random women though. It's about porn and topless bars.

She doesn't want her husband to be sexually aroused by women in the sex industry. Why should a woman "get over" her feelings about this? If she was freaking out when her husband went to the shops that would be different.

MMmomDD · 07/03/2020 14:18

@testing987654321

Why don’t you ask OP herself. Or read her other posts.
Her original insecurities were triggered when she saw he was looking as sexy pics of celebrities, etc.
It’s NOT sex industry issue.

peaceanddove · 07/03/2020 14:21

Sounds like a very tacky venue but at the end of the day your DH will just be able to see bare breasts, that's all. He could turn on the TV right now and see bare breasts, or go to the cinema and see them, or walk along the Benidorm beach. I'm not what you call a cool wife at all but the thought of my DH seeing bare breasts just doesn't unsettle me at all. He must have seen dozens and dozens in his lifetime.

peaceanddove · 07/03/2020 14:29

And @MozzchopsThirtyfeels for other women you really can't dictate how his hormones make him feel.

inasituation87 · 07/03/2020 15:00

Know what you could of been me writing this . This would be my worse night mate because of my insecurities and how little I think of myself . We have not got over finding porn on my boyfriends phone last year . If he was going to a topless bad I think I would end it

inasituation87 · 07/03/2020 15:12

Reading more of hour replies and it's crazy how similar we are . I'm a hermit love staying in don't like going out couldn't care less about nights out with the girls . I went through hell with my ex porn addiction . Cheating the lot . So when I found porn on my boyfriends phone it brought to the service the same feelings I had all them years ago which nearly ruined me . I was devastated and it felt like he had cheated on me . It's been nearly two years now and I'm not over it at all . It upsets me every single day and I know 100 percent as much as I love him he would be gone because I know that I couldn't cope feeling the way I did ever again . No way on earth would I be ok with him being around a bunch of girls with their tits out ! So sleazy and degrading x

peaceanddove · 07/03/2020 15:22

Ignore last post, don't know what happened?

MMmomDD · 07/03/2020 15:29

@inasituation87

But this is YOUR history and your issues. YOU had a cheating and a porn addict ex.
OP’s H isn’t addicted and didn’t cheat.
Transferring your issues on others isn’t helpful

user1481840227 · 07/03/2020 15:39

A friend of mine was a stripper and said that on a whole English men were the worst and far more likely to act like pigs and treat the strippers in a degrading way.
She said most of the girls hated seeing a group of English lads come in to the club!

Paulolina · 07/03/2020 16:26

Sounds like a laugh...chill out Wine

friendineed · 07/03/2020 16:31

I wouldn't like it, but I would tolerate it if I trusted my DH. I think this is relatively harmless and something he has to go along with for the other guys sakes. He'd look silly backing out of this. Relationships are based on trust, so you just have to find this.