Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Served drinks by topless girls

181 replies

mamato3lads · 06/03/2020 13:10

Afternoon ladies

Some of you might remember my post about DH going to benidorm for a stag do and my anxiety around that.

Well, hes going, with my blessing and a genuine hope he enjoys himself. However due to me finding porn and other things on his phone last year, we have had a bad year and I have asked for complete honesty as any lies, no matter how small, are going to floor me. So we discussed benidorm and he said they weren't going to a lap dance club (which I would NOT have liked) but they are booked in to a place where the girls serve the drinks topless. Not naked but boobs out.

I don't know what to make of this or how to react. I mumbled when he first told me as the kids were about and I needed to be sure I wasnt being a dickhead about this

But now I have time to think I'm.just not sure
Is this ok?? Am I trying too hard here to accept this is what happens on stag dogs?? I just dont know
Obviously i would rather he didnt spend the evening with a load of topless women but I dont want to be a stick in the mud and I am 99% sure he wouldn't cheat on me.

Would you be ok with this ? Is it just lads stuff no harm or should I be tougher on him and say I'm not happy? Sad

OP posts:
sunshineANDsweetpeas · 06/03/2020 15:27

I've said this on another thread today, but it's all about your boundaries. They don't have to be reasonable, only to you. Your dh can choose then if he wants to cross them, leave or abide by them. If it's not ok for you, then he has his choice.

Personally I think your anxiety (I've read your previous thread), will eventually end up driving him away. But if you can't deal with porn, topless women etc, you have to think about if you want to try or simply put it to him that it's either you or the topless women/porn.

toastbutter · 06/03/2020 15:30

If my partner was the sort of "lad" who wanted to go to something like this, he would not be the sort of person I would want to be with.

This. Basically if my boyfriend said he was gonna go on a lads holiday and be served drinks by topless women he isn't the man I want. Simple.

mnthrowaway202020 · 06/03/2020 15:31

I think your relationship may have run it’s course. I think the trust has been broken and it’s so difficult to rebuild, you’re going to second guess everything now even if he hasn’t done anything.

MozzchopsThirty · 06/03/2020 15:34

Wouldn't bother me at all, OH goes to lap dancing clubs, watches porn

I just can't get all the drama

But each to their own

I'm in a loving, trusting relationship so it's not an issue for me

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2020 15:38

I'm in a loving, trusting relationship so it's not an issue for me

What a load of nonsense. The logic is that you don't mind a sexist, objectifying industry that exploits vulnerable women, increases sexual assaults in the area, makes all women less safe, but particularly those women in the industry. You don't mind trafficking, women being 'owned' by the clubs, the rampant abuses, the fact that mostly poor, survivors of abuse and vulnerable women do it...because you wuv your honey.

I love and trust mine too. Mostly because he's not a cunt.

Derbee · 06/03/2020 15:46

I wouldn’t be ok with this. But it wouldn’t come up. My DP wouldn’t go to a place like this, or on a stag do like this. He respects women and isn’t a weird letchy misogynist.

If you have such fundamentally opposed ideas, I’m not really sure how you go forward tbh

KaptenKrusty · 06/03/2020 15:53

hahah @MasterMargarita I really wouldn't care - my Husband has been at stags that had strippers at them - so what? he's there with a group, they are having a laugh - he wasn't having sex with anyone or cheating on me!

If I had a big problem with it then I wouldn't have stayed with him!

I wouldn't dream of telling him he can't attend something like that - I really don't think anyone should be telling their other half what they are allowed do - it is controlling

gamerchick · 06/03/2020 15:54

Personally I think your anxiety (I've read your previous thread), will eventually end up driving him away

Yep. Even though its perfectly fine to take issue with the things that are filling your head. The fact is, this relationship has run its course. You will end up being totally controlling the longer it goes on because he doesn't care OP. It'll end up consuming you and I'd be wondering what exactly your kids are being exposed to from the role models in their lives.

Fleamaker123 · 06/03/2020 15:59

It's not about controlling what your partner does! It's about a relationship where you don't do something because you know it will distress your partner. And that could be anything.

NoriShioCrisps · 06/03/2020 16:06

It really depends if you're okay with it. My friends and I, for example, don't smoke/drink/go to strip clubs. For my best friend's bachelorette party, we all went white-water rafting while the groom and his groomsmen all went sky-diving!

Someone whose idea of fun consists of getting drunk is a deal breaker for me, while that's something that's normal/acceptable for many people. It's all a matter of compatibility.

Helpme1010 · 06/03/2020 16:30

I would not be ok with that. It’s literally nothing to do with not trusting my husband either. I KNOW he wouldn’t do anything. It’s just a respect thing, we respect each other and neither of us would find this acceptable. I’m not a prude about nudity either and I’m not bothered about him seeing a pair of boobs it’s the whole sleaziness of it all. If you don’t feel comfortable that’s all that matters not that some random on here calls you controlling or that they don’t care what their husband does. Just be honest with him

boringadvice · 06/03/2020 16:32

I wouldn't want my DH going (he wouldn't want to anyway), not because I don't trust him but because I wouldn't want him contributing towards the objectification of women. Particularly important to me as the mum of girls.

TheMemoryLingers · 06/03/2020 16:39

Going to Benidorm on a stag do would be a deal breaker in itself. I've no interest at all in men who delight in doing 'laddish' things or anyone who thinks a stag/hen event is justified in lasting more than a day..

quietlyspoken08 · 06/03/2020 16:43

Wouldn't bother me but if it did and my partner didn't give a second thought to my feelings about it, then I would be bothered

I've been to Benidorm numerous times and topless waitresses are quite tame. If you aren't happy with them the live sex shows won't go down very well...

restingbitchface30 · 06/03/2020 16:48

Wouldn’t bother me one bit. It’s a stag do.

angell84 · 06/03/2020 16:55

I wouldn't like it, and I would say so.

Barbararara · 06/03/2020 16:55

If my partner was the sort of "lad" who wanted to go to something like this, he would not be the sort of person I would want to be with
^
this is how I feel too.

Isthistrueor · 06/03/2020 17:01

No I wouldn’t be happy about this and I’d expect DH to be miffed if I said I was going to a bar where half naked men served me too. I’m not keen on ‘lads’ holidays anyway, they’re often sleazy and immature.

probablysue · 06/03/2020 17:17

This wouldn’t bother me. So he sees a few boobs. I personally can’t see the big deal

SinkGirl · 06/03/2020 17:34

Do I care if DH sees a few boobs? Nope. In NICU lots of were pumping, in the children’s unit lots were breastfeeding. He saw other women’s breasts then, I couldn’t give a toss. Topless women on the beach? Doesn’t bother me.

What would bother me would be being with the sort of man who thinks that it’s fun to pay money to objectify women. Can you really imagine what it’s like in there?

Even if it’s not his idea of fun, I wouldn’t respect the judgement of a man who had friends who thoughts this was a fun night out.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 06/03/2020 17:40

To be fair he didnt book it, or plan it, and these are lads from growing up, he doesnt go out with them now. Just special occasions like this. He said originally if I'm not happy he won't go - but how can I do that, makes us both look like twats. He doesnt go anywhere usually, apart from work and health club, so I dont think badly of him because this has been planned , it wasnt his doing

I worry I will drive him away with my chronic insecurity which is why i come here for opinions rather than straight to him to start expressing how I feel all the time. I cant always see the wood for the trees
I've decided I'll say nothing. I trust him not to "do" anything but I can't even stand the thought of him looking and thinking "cor!" like most men would when faced with a pair of tits jiggling round in front of them

I need to get over this. I just dont know how to. Thanks for all your input xx

OP posts:
7dayslater · 06/03/2020 17:44

Grim. Can't imagine DP would want me to be served by half naked men either. Each to their own, I guess.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/03/2020 17:49

I don't think it would have bothered me, but I know DH would have been uncomfortable with it and run a mile if anyone suggested going to a topless bar (he was shy). He wouldn't even go to Hooters, and they are covered up (DS is a Hooters aficionado though). I think if there was no trust in my relationship, I would be worried, but I completely trusted him and knew he wouldn't stray.

I do see what many pp are saying about it being sleazy, but it seems much less dodgy than a lap dancing club or brothel. I wanted to see Sticky Vicky just for the experience, I think her daughter does it now?

Moomin8 · 06/03/2020 17:52

@carlyclock my point is that although you say 'it's only a pair of tits' it's not only that, it's (hypothetically) your husband supporting a business that treats women like objects.

magoria · 06/03/2020 17:53

I wouldn't be happy about this. What is the difference between them already being half naked and them getting their kit off in front of the blokes?

A lap dance is different and I wouldn't be with a man who went to one.