Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

If your husband was being so aggressive that you asked your mum to phone the police, then I don't understand why you are back with him, let alone allowing him to dictate who you can and can't see in your own home.

I would think really really carefully about a man who was so aggressive the police had to be called, and who has now turned that around and blamed the people closest to you, so that they're pushed out of your life.

Don't isolate yourself with this man.

Why would you choose an aggressive man over your own family?

Why are you with this awful man? He's already shown you what he is.

So they were supporting you against his aggressive (violent) behavior, he can't forgive them and you're sitting on the fence. Really?

He was so aggressive you had to call the police.
He doesn't want your parents in your life.
He can't move past what HE did and the consequences for HIS actions.
Your parents were there for you.
Your parents put him in his place.
Your parents do not want you to be with this abusive prick.

And... You are back with him!!???
WHY????

You got your own mother to phone the police because this man was so aggressive.

You got your children away from him.

Now your parents can’t visit their grandchildren because the abuser is upset about it??

Sorry. But, really??

What did the relationship counsellor have to say about this?

I would believe your parents' version of events for the times you weren't there. Your husband behaved badly and now he's trying to cover his tracks by banning your parents from your house. Where will you run to next time if it all goes tits up if he takes your parents out of the picture?

I would have a very honest conversation with your parents about what went on and then decide if you really want to continue with this relationship.

Your husband was so aggressive you asked your mother to call the police and now he’s banning them from your house and you’re sitting on the fence?

Why? Why are you not standing up for yourself and your parents? And why are you back with such a person? And letting him damage your relationship with your parents?

He was shaking talking about it
Probably shaking with anger because someone dared to challenge him on his own territory🙄
joint counselling with a man who has been aggressive and manipulative may not be a good idea,it sounds as if he's making it all about him already, positioning himself as the victim, he's doing a number on you and the therapist🙄

Got to be a reverse.

You put your parents in the crossfire then got back with him? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Of course he doesn't want them round! If he kicks off again they will get him in trouble (again!)

Considering what your h did, how can you doubt your parents view of events and believe a domestic abuser? 🤦🏻‍♀️ You aren't sitting on the fence at all- your parents have done nothing wrong yet you're punishing them

Your parents are your only allies the only people who are willing to try and protect you, no wonder he wants to separate you from them and portray them as enemies
Divide and rule, he is working to get control of the situation and get you properly locked down

Have you explained to him op that your mother only did what you asked, as such you’re responsible and you only asked her to because of his behaviour? So he’s to blame?

Or are you letting your parents take the blame?

Why would you be back with someone like this and not make them responsible for their actions and not defend the only people who were willing to help you?

Poor fucking kids. You need to put them first and get them away from this pathetic excuse of a man. I’m sure he has good points, he’s such an excellent father blah blah blah.........you’re a mother, do not let them grow up in an abusive household (and yes they will be impacted, don’t kid yourselves that they won’t be), or they will blame you forever

Your parents were there when you needed protection. You needed protection when he was aggressive. Who's going to be there to protect you once you've cut them off?

Just to echo what everyone else has said. If he was aggressive enough aka violent enough that you asked your mum to call the police then why are you back with him.
Secondly he is trying to isolate you from your source of support, doesn’t sound great.
What did the coy seller say when he came out with this gem.

Counseller

Of course your parents can still visit OP, we have these things called 'hotels' or B&Bs or airbnb's where they can stay if they visit you.

You're having counselling with an abusive man which is never recommended because abusers tend to manipulate the sessions and use it as another abusive strategy.

Abusers isolate because it's easier to control their victims. He won't like your family visiting because they obviously challenge his behaviour, make him look bad and show you what he is.

Did the counsellor challenge him at all? What came out in the session ie did you find out what happened during the incident?

What exactly was the “relationship crisis” op? And what did the “aggression” present as that you felt the police were necessary.

The “shaking” would indicate anger. Is he violent?

Sounds like your parents are willing to move past it all for one reason and one reason only. They know you’re in trouble and have went back to an abuser so you will need them when the next “ relationship crisis” hits.

But by sitting on the fence and giving this man his way, you won’t have them.

Do you have individual counselling? Have you done the freedom program? Contacted women’s aid?

Did you have to call the police on your mother? If not, why do you not believe her version of events? She is prepared to give your husband another chance when he was the one in the wrong not her and he is not? Who do you think has your happiness at heart? Who is trying their best for you?

Let's take this one at face value shall we.

So, if you have 'worked things out' - presumably this means that your H has explored the reasons he was so aggressive as to have had the police called. He is remorseful for his behaviour and has apologised - yes?

In that case, if he has reflected, learned, and changed, then this isn't a problem. He will already, even before you posted this, have realised that he is being unreasonable and controlling. Firstly, he simply has no right to tell you you cannot have your parents in YOUR home that YOU jointly own/pay for. Secondly, he will have realised that in calling the police and taking your side, your parents were justifiably defending you - the wife he now realises he treated badly.

So there is no problem, is there? A genuinely changed man who you have REALLY PROPERLY 'worked things out with won't be acting like this, will he?

However - a nasty controlling, possibly violent little shit who is actually just as bad as ever but keeping a lid on it for now until the next bust up... well, trying to isolate you from your main source of support and trying to be the boss of your home life - well, that's exactly what he'd do.

I suggest you take this behaviour as evidence that no, you haven't 'worked it out' at all. Leave him.

What fizzygreenwater said with bells on

oh and this is interesting too...

I just want to change his mind and move on from this... but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks.

You don't actually need him to change his mind, if you're equal in the relationship because you've worked it out though, do you? You simply need to tell him that sorry, he may feel like that but that doesn't mean he gets his way. Your parents will still be visiting YOU in YOUR HOME - if he doesn't like it, he will have to stay away when they come. Because he's not the boss, is he?

Has this conversation happened? If not, why not? Because he's actually just as volatile, controlling and unpleasant as ever and you're a bit scared of him, by any chance??

Fizzygreenwater I read your username as frizzygreenwaiter