Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

Things are black and white where abusive is concerned.

Abuse = bad = get away and protect self and children.

There are no shades of grey.

You have an obligation as a parent to bring your children up in a house free from abuse. Can your children stay with your parents while you work on ways to extricate yourself so they aren't further damaged by your poor choices?

You can't bring your children up in an abusive household OP and I wish I knew who your counsellor was so I could complain about them. You don't give couple's counselling for abusive relationships. She should have ended the sessions that day after giving you information on how to get help for yourself.

The magic wand you're looking for doesn't exist OP. Your husband is not going to change and his behaviour is going to get worse. In the meantime, your children are suffering because this is their daily reality and they have no choice but to live with it. It's very unfair and wrong to do that OP.

It sounds like this is even more abusive than before

Yes, it has got worse, there is now manipulation and isolation thrown into the mix.

Why are you having relationship counselling with an abusive man?

things aren't always back and white

Yes, I remember back when life always felt murky and complicated. I remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't want to berate or upset you, OP. But would you gently ask yourself the following:

Is it complicated, or is it just that the simple truth is uncomfortable and something that's perhaps easier to avoid facing?

What did the police say/ do ? Also , my understanding was that you shouldn’t have jount counselling with an abuser . I hope you are ok .

He is very apologetic about past behaviour...

Oh well, as long as he's apologised.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

I have some advice on how to approach it but I have a feeling you wouldn't like it.

OP, no things aren't always black and white. Let's hope ss see it like that when they are tipped off that you have children in that situation, where you are refusing to keep them safe.

You already put you husband above your poor children when you went back to a man that you needed to call the police on.

Don't put him above your parents too.

From your kids perspective it's pretty black and white

You are keeping them living in a harmful and toxic environment.

I lose sympathy when abused people choose to stay and keep vulnerable children in the environment.

And now he says they're grandparents can't stay.

Yes obviously he's awful. But shame on you for facilitating this abuse of your children's relationship with their grandparents if nothing else.

We’re SS involved once the police were called?
What was their advice?
He’s a dangerous man & you’re in a very dangerous situation.

Please please listen to people's comments... They all say the same thing... Why oh why are you still with this abusive waste of air space... These things never have a happy ending. He's stopping you from having your parents over... He hasn't got the right. For your sake and more importantly your children's sake.. Ditch this dickhead now!!!

I think on average it takes women seven attempts to finally leave their abuser.

But it’s one of the sadder threads I’ve seen on here, where you are seeing it play out, the attempt at isolation, manipulation, the situation getting worse, the abuse taking a sinister turn, and like the oarents, there is nothing you can do to stop it happening.

FFS, no shame on you for attacking someone who is doing their best to deal with a challenging situation. I'm sure you're perfect, right?

Therapist wants to discuss again so we scheduled another session. Plenty of food for thought that we will discuss next time, so thank you.

@flipperlipper your anger is directed at the wrong people. It’s your husband that you should be angry at

As many pp have said, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING JOINT SESSIONS WITH YOUR ABUSER

It so so sad that you can't even speak to your husband outside of a safe room with a witness counsellor present.

Do you think that that is a good life for you? For your children?

Sorry to not answer all questions individually, but at work and lots there! Lots of Qs re counsellor- she seemed to think therapy worth pursuing and she knows what has gone on.

Yes, no need to pile on the pressure, FFS, that isn't helpful. OP needs support and advice, not guilting.

Flipper - if a friend had come to you for advice, what would you tell her. You’d advise her to keep herself and her children safe.

You’ve posted about him being abusive since November. The challenge you face is not how to fix him, it’s how to safeguard yourself and your children.

@flipperlipper I don’t think people are attacking you , I think the majority of us are very concerned. My first H was abusive and the police were involved more than once . My DD was in an abusive relationship , again police and SS involvement ( oh and he banned from the house!)
I don’t know your exact circumstances but I do know the impact that DA has on DC. My DC were much more relaxed when it was just the 3 of us and my DGS is certainly much happier .
Please don’t alienate a loving family.

Is your therapist fully qualified and experienced with abuse survivors? Just about anyone can call themselves a counsellor. It sounds pretty worrying that she/he is supportive of this, to be honest, OP. Have you had any sessions on your own?

I am angry with him - I just don't think shaming other women is helpful. If you think I'm being abused saying 'shame on you' isn't exactly supportive is it? Shaming doesn't bring people around to your way of thinking. I clearly am not getting everything right but I am really trying to do what is right for my kids; family etc and weigh everything up

@flipperlipper What would happen if you wanted a session with your counsellor on your own, without him? Would he allow it?

FFS, no shame on you for attacking someone who is doing their best to deal with a challenging situation. I'm sure you're perfect, right?

People don't agree with staying with a man so aggressive that the police had to be called and therefore they must be 'perfect'?

That's a straw man argument if I ever I saw one.

Read it back to yourself...

People are rightly concerned for you and your DC.