Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

things aren't always back and white

If you've been abusive to him too then it's further proof that the relationship is toxic and you should act in the interests of your poor children.

You’ve had your old thread deleted/ closed so what is the purpose on opinions that aren’t based on full fact?

Why are you ignoring this? Kids get removed from their parents over witnessing things like this.

I type from experience. The only relationship I have been in that involved the police being called was abusive.
Mentally, physically and emotionally.
I didn't have children with him (thank goodness) and it was incredibly difficult to escape from.
Please reconsider what you want.
I don't say this cos I'm uncaring, I say this because once the police have been involved it's crossed a line. Be careful

His own father is afraid of him.

Your in-laws are on YOUR side. (I'm not sure I've ever heard of that before!)

This speaks volumes to me.

This is a black and white situation, No shades of grey, you can't fix him, this is actually the real him...

Get shot of his involvement and start therapy alone to help you readjust that the 'loving him' you yearn for was just game play to keep you in the relationship.

Even the counsellor said he has no empathy for you. I would suggest he is incapable of empathy for anyone - this includes your children, his parents, etc.

Get out and stay out.

When you have moments of clarity write those thoughts down and read them back before you sleep. Harvest the strength you gain from them and let them grow so that becomes your default thinking. I know it is very hard to stop the 'what if' thinking but you have to overcome that.

The reality is that he is an abusive little shit and does not deserve the love of any of you. x

The old thread is still available..

I think the op knows this isn’t right. The counsellor has said he’s abusive, his own father is scared of him, he hates his mother, he’s absuive to his kids, but to a lesser extent. He’s using the op as his meal ticket, he gets her to pay for him. He’s been beyond abusive to her parents.

But she’s going back in to take some more from him. I don’t think anyone can stop her. She’s even considering removing her parents because he dictates it . He’s using the counselling as a way to manipulate her and abuse her some more, just in a different way.

He says sorry, I didn’t mean it, she says but I love him. It’s the age old story. One day. She will hopefully have taken enough, see that her kids have taken enough, see that her her family, his family, they have all taken enough abuse and it needs to stop .

But today is not that day.

I have not read the whole thread. I have been in your situation. I chose my parents over my ex-husband.

I told my husband he didn't have to like my parents but he had to be civil when they were in the house, as they would be to him. He wouldn't accept it and so I wouldn't agree to reconcile.

A few things stand out to me here.

Your husband sounds like a man who does not like to be challenged. He is angry because your parents challenged him. Do you challenge him? What would happen if you did? What would happen if your parents challenged him again?

We all need to be able to take challenge without reacting with aggression.

Counselling is not recommended in a relationship where there has been aggression.

You live a long way from your parents. If you give in to your husband on this, and I don't think you should, you need to make sure you have a support network close to home. Do not allow yourself to be isolated.

OP you mentioned your therapist knows the whole story and thinks it’s worth working on

I can’t help wondering how much they get paid.

I can’t see the old thread. Says the Page no longer exists.

I can get the gist though.

I am amazed the counsellor is letting you have couple counselling if there has been abuse

This link worked for me @OhCaptain www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3732196-huge-row-and-not-sure-what-to-do?pg=3

OP, it's ok to be scared about leaving and facing facts, but deep down, you know this isn't right. Don't forget about the bad times in the hope they'll stop and you'll only have the good times in the future. I'm going out on a limb here, but whatever the nature of your relationship with him, there's a difference between consenting to him taking the lead in a relationship and him being coercively controlling, cutting you off from your support network and intimidating you and your children. I hope you can sort it out.

@flipperlipper I know you’re probably overwhelmed and you don’t want to read all of this.

But I think you should switch counsellors...

Thanks Tiggers!

OP, your therapist is being dishonest in accepting relationship counselling under these circumstances. You could probably do with some individual counselling.

If your parents can't visit you, who is going to be able to call the police the next time he kicks off? Because abusers do not just stop at one time.

I imagine you love him, which is fair enough, but you are in danger and so are your children.

I’ve read your previous thread OP.

Leave him.

Leave him.

Leave him.

You say he’s not violent, but in your other thread you said his own father is frightened of him.

You are in denial as to the scale of his abuse, because if you acknowledge it it’s scary. If you acknowledge it you will have to face the fact that you and the children are in danger, but you are. Time to put your big girl pants on I’m afraid and act. I know it’s not easy, but there are people and organisations who will help you.

Make sure you log any further abusive behaviour with the police. It will help you ensure he cannot have any dangerous unsupervised access to the children in future.

Please just get out before it gets worse. Your poor children. 💐

I wonder if the counsellor is worried about the op and is deciding to work with them together as the alternate is she doesn’t see the op at all, and that’s even more concerning.

I agree Bluntness

Good point Bluntness.

some behaviour is unforgivable.you dont get to work on them because its just very very wrong.you dont have them back in your life becasue what they did before (previous thread) was dam scary and more than a borken marriage but domestic abuse.
op be kind to yourself.hold yourself tight and break the fuck free.please.for you,for your kids,and for your parents.for a future where you arent in this cage and tied upin knots.hes done this to you.he is chipping away at any sense o self you had or have left.

Look, it's not going to get better, he hasn't miraculously changed his personality. I think you're not brave enough to leave him (yet).
The twat should be begging for your forgiveness..Good luck! You'll need it.

Yet again I agree fully with @Bluntness100 - you speak a lot of sense.

OP I realise that on the inside of the situation this feels difficult, complex, painful and overwhelming. On the outside, it does look much clearer and more black and white. From here, it's obvious he is aggressive, dangerous and manipulative. It's also clear that he will not change in any meaningful way. His own father is scared of him. Just let that sink in, because I haven't come across it before. His father is scared of him.

It will be difficult to leave. It would be worse to stay. He will not change, he will not get better, he isn't genuinely sorry.

Please be careful. You need help and you need to separate from him.

OP, do you think your parents, the woman who carried you and gave birth to you, might be lying about events? Or is it entirely more likely your husband is lying

You are trying to have your cake and eat it.
You want a relationship with an horrific partner more than you want to protect your kids.
Make no mistake your kids are being screwed up for life.
YOU are responsible for that by not getting away from him.
As others have said,children sometimes get taken into care because the mother does not leave their abusive partner.
This is down to you 100 per cent to get the hell away

He's embarrassed and pissed off that someone stuck up for you and called him out on his behaviour

OP, you want a happy , healthy relationship. Your husband doesn't. You can't reconcile this, he has made it clear that there is no compromise, the relationship will be him doing exactly as he pleases despite your fear and the damage that it is doing to your children, your parents and you.

Your choice is between a toxic, abusive marriage or no marriage at all. There is no happy ever after with this man.