Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

What would happen if you put your foot down and said that YOUR parents would always be welcome to stay in YOUR home? What would his reaction be?

He can't forgive my parents
What do you think he means when he says that? Does he mean he can't forgive them for trying to protect their own daughter?
Or is it that he can't forgive them for pointing out that he is an aggressive abusive person? He wants them to shut up and go away so that he can carry on with being abusive doesn't he?

Yes, he is manipulating you to get rid of your support network. Sorry.

I don't think he needs to forgive your parents. They have done nothing to forgive. He put you and your children in harm's way, they are probably terrified of what will happen to you all. And, now he wants to isolate you from them because they kept you all safe.

Please rethink this relationship.

OF COURSE he wants your parents to never be able to visit, why would he want you to have access to support like last time?

I wouldn't want to live with any man who's shaking with temper. About anything.
You don't need counselling. You need to get out.

He is very apologetic about past behaviour and he has been very different apart from this one sticking point. Thanks for those of you who have given constructive advice. There is no need to wrote exasperated messages that make me feel like shit. I feel bad enough without that.

What was the incident OP and what past behaviour?

It's really easy to apologise for things OP. You just open your mouth and words come out. The reality is in his behaviour.

Why doesn't he want your parents there?

OMG wtf did you go back to him, get as far away as possible, and he has no right to say who visits he only half owns the home with you.
Is there anything stopping you kicking him out or leaving yourself?
If you stay with him it will get worse and harder to leave as you'll become even more accustomed to it than you are now. You need random people on the internet to tell you this isn't right, and you also should ever go to counselling with an abuser.

If he's apologetic about his past behaviour and realises it was wrong, then he must realise your parents were right to support you.

...so why does he not want them around? It makes no sense, unless he's being vindictive and taking revenge on them for helping you when he was being unreasonable.

@flipperlipper I get that you say he's been different, but it has only been 3 months and you are still in counselling.

What can't he forgive your parents for?

OP it’s sad that you can’t see how unfair he is being. His behaviour was so aggressive that the police had to be called, and now he is banning you from having your parents visit. This is not the behaviour of an apologetic man. If he was truly sorry, and genuinely wanted to make amends for his actions, he wouldn’t be putting you through this. It really is as simple as that.

The words 'won't let' worry me.

It's not up to him to dictate who you can or can't see, let alone banning your parents!

You say 'he's different' but this is just his temporary mask to get you back. He's still the same angry, violent, abusive man.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but please trust us.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3732196-huge-row-and-not-sure-what-to-do?pg=3 after reading your previous thread I too am shocked you took this man back. Also the relationship between him and your parents was never going to go back to normal following the previous relationship breakdown. I dont know what you expected to happen when you got back together with him

OP, I've just seen you have kids. Are you sure this is the way to raise them? An abusive father will really screw them up and if they start to mention his behaviour at school ss will become involved.
Put them first and leave this abusive excuse for a husband. Your parents must be worried sick, I know I would be if my dd went back to a violent man when I'd helped her escape.

Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

What on earth are you doing with this man?

Do you honestly want to stay with a man who wont allow your parents into your home? He is still being abusive OP and controlling by isolating you from your parents. If he truly loved you he would attempt to be civilised with your parents for your sake, but he's not, he's being completely self centred and emotionally manipulative.

Of course he is apologetic about past behaviour he knows that he has to make some concessions in order to keep control of you and of course this one thing is a sticking point because he doesn't want you to have access to support and help

You can’t stop seeing your family for him

OP I’ve been in this situation and he isn’t really sorry because if he was he would be apologising to your parents too. He is embarrassed and angry that some one out of his control too action against him ( even though it was to protect you)

Your parents must be so worried. With me it was my granny, my ex banned her from the house because she called the police from her house as I’d rang her crying and he was raging in the background.

Don’t close the communication down with your parents. If you feel your not ready to leave yet go and visit them or have them stay in a B&B near you. Honestly you will really need them one day. Don’t let him make you choose.

No one should stay in a relationship with someone who tries to control who they spend time with. It’s abusive and it isn’t acceptable.

Op is this domestic violence?

He's clearly abusive to you and your children going by your previous threads.

Your DH should be bending over backwards to apologise to you and your parents for his awful behaviour. He should be doing anything to placate you and show you it was awful mistake and that it will never happen again.

What does he have to forgive your parents for?

Is he?

By refusing your parents he is isolating you. So that next time you have no one supporting and protecting you.

Has he also banned his own parents? This is a reasonable question given that they also supported you when things were at crisis point.

Clearly it’s going to be an issue which could be the deal breaker. If he bans your parents from your home then I would see no future for this relationship.